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I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!


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After a hundred times of trying to be friends with my ex and merely being stepped on and denigrated, I've been trying to forget about him. These days I only think about him about once a day, just thinking about how I'd like to see him so I could give him the cold shoulder or tell him how much I think he is an a-hole. you know, just for the closure that I never got after he yelled at me because I asked him for a favor and after he tried contacting my friend (without her response).

 

And this morning, as I lay half asleep waking up I heard a knock on the front door. I lay frozen, wondering if it was my landlord complaining about where I parked. And then someone opened the door leading to the entry way to my door and a neighbors and knocked on my door.

 

I was like, what? and then I heard "hi, it's me, do you want to say hi?" and i said "i'm sleeping". and rolled over. pause. he said "you don't want to say hi?"

and i thought for a full minute, my mind mulling over the last few weeks that I've spoken to my friends about him, becoming more confident that he was super abusive, and after talking to my former landlord that he'd yelled at for building a fence, without trying to figure out the situation was first. i thought about how she told me to stay away from him.

and then i wondered why the hell did he come to my door that way without saying "hey, i came to apologize for everything that i did" and i thought about how if i opened that door and showed my resentment and anger towards him that he'd get mad that i wasn't happy to see him.

and then i said "if i have to think about it... probably not".

and then he left, i heard and engine gun and he was gone.

 

and i laid in my bed and gave myself a big hug, because i deserve it. after letting him back in so many times just to hear him put me down and to feel angry every time, i finally did something good for myself...

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after i got up i saw that he sent me this email with a poem about connections and life and stuff and at the end he wrote "I Love You!"

 

I wrote him and told him not to say that ****, that he doesn't love me at all. And then I wrote him saying that if he knew how much I resented him he wouldn't have wrote me saying that or would have come by. I told him I've talked to my friends about him and that I despise him and that sometime I'll forgive him because he was a lesson for me to be more careful and guarded about who I let into my life. I said that I realize and appreciate the beautiful connections I have to other people and I'm finally feeling o.k. and good about being who I am.

 

And goodbye!

 

I mean, he's got to be freaking crazy to write me and come by after everything that has happened. It's WEIRD.

 

Sigh.

 

Thanks for the support...

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