Broke up 6 months ago ,Can anyone explain this pain I get

[quing]

Hi with out going into to much depth (the full earlier story should be on the board somewhere) My 6 year relationship was on the rocks from both points of view but then my ex announced she had met somone else and wanted to date them just before I was about to request splitting up to see how it goes.

 

For some reason this news left me feeling devastated, I got on my mountain bike and just cycled and cycled and cycled aimlessly for a whole day, crying my heart out (no one saw this or knows this) I felt very betrayed and cheated from what I thought was my closest and dearest friend in the world.

 

6 months on and I still obsess in my head about how wronged I feel about it all, and what happened, I am polite to her still when we do have contact through email even though she set about to rub my nose in so much of the whole thing which left me to throw it back one day because I wanted to hurt her back so much, and I announced that actually I had slept with her hairstylist amongst a couple of others (I know what goes around comes around for both parties) so many other things have happened since we split but that's another story and not the meaning of this post, basically 80% of me wants her and the memories out of my head and system, just the same as Jim Carreys 'Spotless Mind' movie.

 

But onto what the real topic of this post, basically I am allegedly a 'bit of a pretty boy 'who should have no problems with meeting a girl, but when I go out clubbing I am not intersted in a majority of girls who approach me, and it seems a lot of girls are either intimidated by me or they think I am a predator or even annoyingly to me 'gay' because I dress well. But anyway if I see one I like the look of and I feel I look like I am in with a bit of a chance with I frustratingly then come all over with a sought of flu like pain I can feel it through all my veins or muscles and then when I back away and choose not to make a move I feel warm and safe inside for not getting involved but also very frustrated with myself. When I first splt up the pain was very intense and I felt like had been kicked hard between the legs 'seriosly'.

 

What is this pain? does anyone else suffer from it? I am a very confident person really, I have no problem with chatting with women as soon as the ice has been broken, I just can't break the ice and my motivation does not exist to break any ice.

 

I have had sex with someone since we split and it was a girl I met on a dating site and it was on the first night of meeting her even though I did not find her attractive. I have had a play about with others, but I just feel completely empty inside.

 

I really hate being on my own, but I enjoy the saftey. Why do I feel like a freak for feeling like this, why does every one else look like they can meet other people after a relationship? is it my deep cynicalness of the whole courtship procedure? I am 33, this is my 4th long term relationship. I really do feel like a freaken alien thats crashed landed.

 

Can anyone shed light on this pain? does anyone else have a simular problem?

[DN]

Your self-confidence has taken a knock because of the failed relationship. thereforeeee, you are scared of the inherent risk in any relationship and hesitate about taking the first step in forming a new one - approaching someone.

 

The only way to regain your self-confidence is to take the risk. Don't let yourself be influenced by "what if this relationship fails' - just take it one step at a time and have some fun.

[quing]

But frustratingly I lock up, like my muscles freeze up and I feel an intense pain, my brain says go for it, but my muscles and body say no, I do have moments where I assert myself to chat the girl up, on the philosophy of throwing enough bricks I will smash a window sooner or later, but so far they always have a boyfriend nearby. But the majority of times I am frozen up like my body has been injected with that plastic stuff from that Geman artist Gunther von Hagens.

[TIGRONETTE]

Wow...that's pretty crazy

 

your story really is pretty close to mine, except that it was 5 years and not six, the gender is different, that I'm 30 not 33 and that it was a bass player not a hair stylist (oh yeah, and people don't think that I'm a lesbian if I make an effort to dress up).

 

Like you, I've had a few affairs with guys I don't like and all my friends say I could do better (but somehow I never do these days for similar reasons to those in your post, ie I only fall for guys who make a shameless play at me as I'm too inhibited to do anything else).

 

Likewise, this wasn't my first long term relationship, but it was the first to end really badly for me anyways. For a while I did wonder if I wasn't scarred or something. However, in the last month (it's been 5 months for me) I've managed to take a step back.

 

I reckon it's just a question of time - we mustn't be too impatient. So yeah, I would like to find someone new (or at least someone to hang around with for a while) but when your soul has been ground down to nothing like this, it ain't going to happen in a day, sorry. The way I get by is figuring out how far I've come in 5 months. I really am proud of myself.

 

3 months ago (once I stopped locking myself indoors and crying all the time) I'd go all red and clammy like some silly teenager anytime a guy even looked at me and even contemplated going out with guys who hit on me in the street (thank God i didn't).

 

Last night I got hit on by a cute-ish drunk guy and had enough presense of mind to say no but take his number in case I change my mind. Oh and a barman I've had my eye on for ages said I 'looked perfect' (his words not mine). He's a bit of a sh*t though so I also pride myself on the fact that I didn't chase that one up.

 

 

I'm not writing this to brag (no...really) just to say that I'm sure you'll come up with similar examples from your own recent past to proove that you're on the right track and that you'll be fine - just give it a few extra months.

[nataliejulie]

You need to let yourself move on. She bruised you, now you have to heal.

 

Keeping one foot in the past will never ever give you the chance to heal and better yourself.

[quing]

reckon it's just a question of time - we mustn't be too impatient

 

I agree TIGRONETTE, you hit the nail on the head with that one. I think I beat myself up a bit because I am not healing fast enough or finding someone I actually like fast enough, I am also annoyed with myself for admitting in an email that I missed her and her family, I don't believe she deserves me going that far, the truth is I do miss the old her and I do miss her family, I know she misses me or missed me, she even rang me up shouting down the phone that she loves me, this whilst she has moved in with the guy she met who is in his mid 40's and is nothing on looks on me, just that he is rich and more settled because of his age and he was someone different who charmed her at our weekest moment.

 

I told her not to call me again because I felt all this was insulting and did not believe a word of what she was saying and told her she was not worth the steam off my p**s.

 

 

I there was someone in my life already who I liked then I would not suffer from any weak lapses in judgment and I could just move on.

[TIGRONETTE]

Now here our stories start to differ

 

I was left for someone who looks/brains/finances wise is definitely in the same league as me (no point in going into more detail than that).

 

So I guesss I have fewer reasons to feel vindictive than you. He doesn't want me back but would really like us to hang out as mates. The git does not understand why I refuse to see him at the moment (how can we even be occasional drinking buddies if he can't even comprehend that !).

 

It's only by letting go that you'll have the chances of finding someone else. Yes it does happen out of the blue to some people but I reckon it's either

 

1. incredibly good luck (a small minority of cases)

 

2. they'll make do with the first person who comes along (the vast majority)

 

So I just try and take things one day at a time. I know it's hard when we live in a world that doesn't teach us to be patient, where everythning seems to be about competition and societal/peer pressure (and now that I've hit 30 it's suddenly got a whole lot more intense). But I reckon I've got to resist - don't have much choice in the sense that I've been doing OK (not wonderfully, but OK) for about a month now and don't want to start sinking again.

My life hasn't even been this good for about a year so its a question of survival I guess.

[quing]

Hi I have had some good answers so far but does anyone know the real science behind the pain I am feeling or feel though? why do the muscles and vains start to ache, and why did I feel a pain in in the groin area as if I had been kicked in the nuts? they still ache from time to time now. If all these symptons which maybe related to what people refer to as heart ache did not happen, then I am sure my life would be alot easier. Apart from the stupid obsessing, dwelling and scenario fantasising in my head if the pain and muscle freazing up did not take place then I could become a bit of a player for a bit and enjoy myself until I meet someone I really like, but this is like a bloomin curse thats been inflicted on me from the gods for some reason.

Even when I try to get drunk it does not work, I just can't get drunk, I feel to self awear of both myself, the environment and peoples behavior in it as if it's like some science project I have been given to observe and try to fit in and become part of it. does any of that make sense?

[heloladies21]

I am no doc, but it sounds like some kind of anxiety disorder. There are meds or some behavioral therapy (thinking in certain ways in certain situations) which can help. You might wanna talk to a doc.

[quing]

Your probally right maybe I should talk to a doctor, although I would be a bit embaressed about it because on the whole I am not that bad, I am still my old confident self its just I get that pain caused by what I think you correctly put as an anxiety disorder. If that damn pain wasn't there I would be unstopable.

[heloladies21]

Yes sometimes I get the same feeling in plain social situations as well as hitting on girls. I'm a social guy, but I feel tense and not able to let loose. I try and think about future success, past successes, funny things, have conversations with friends to help me loosen up. It doesn't always work though.

 

Drinking usually helps when i'm out trying to hit on girls. I don't even enjoy drinking though so I am not worried about abusing it.

 

I might go see a doctor about this now that i've recommended it to you.

[quing]

My pain has just vanished, wehay! yes so far I have got every thing off my chest to my ex, I have said so far what she is what she had done, how I don't find her attractive any more because of it, I have waved her boyfriend over and shook the little fellas hand, asked her why someone so old and small and then recently saw them flirting with each other and now emailed and said I was happy for them and that I will not change my so called self righteous argumentative a**hole ways for anyone, and I have finally received an email back which was a joke email with kisses at then end which I have ignored like I am going to ignore any other email too.

 

Last night I forgot all about ex and everything and I did not feel the stupid pain. Yipeee!

[sundaymorning]

quing, Im not a medical doctor yet but I am in my third year of medical school. From my knowledge I believe you are suffering from some form of anxiety or "panic disorder". This is quite normal and temporary. I wouldn't stress on it too much. Do you have trouble breathing during these episodes? Do you feel your heartrate rise? Even the slightest? Honestly, I think that your ex sort of pulled the rug from underneath your feet.....sort of speak. This caught you off-guard because like you said, you were planning on breaking up WITH HER! I really dont want to get into the connection between fear or shock and anxiety. You can look it up on the net and find some good info. My advice is to start excersicing! Eat healthy and AVOID your ex! Time will heal! Dont worry too much. Nothing is wrong with you! Good luck!

[zcloud]

This pain is called attachment and you are experiencing a physical manifestation of what is in your mind. You have not let go and moved on, perhaps buried your feelings and your body is reacting by letting you know that you still have an issue. Perhaps you need to cry and cycle some more, also do a lot of stretching, meet girls etc. but don't force yourself into relationships just try to find a way of letting go and allowing the pain to stop. You should also go to the doctor and make sure it's nothing medical but it sounds like fatique and emotional pain combined with tension.

 

Last time I had a broken heart I experience actual chest pain, the doctor assured me that it's not heart related and they actually put me on the machines even though I'm young, thin, non-smoker etc. Turns out it was a slightly upset stomach I hardly noticed but the chest pain was quite severe.

 

-Zcloud

[ocrob]

Reading your comments it awesome. Your condition is probably a mix between anxiety and depression. They usually go both hand in hand. I used to have anxiety and when my ex wife and I broke up I got the depression as well. I was smart back then and broke ties and moved away and have never talked to her again. That was the best thing I ever did. Now, I am in the same situation as before, but I messed up. My girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me and for the last 8 months I have tried to stay friends. We have so much fun together, but after it is over, I feel like *CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED*. If I see her on a saturday, I am so depressed on monday. I have tried to deal with it because she is my bestfriend and really cool, but, I know things have to end and they will soon. You can definitely be friends with an ex, but not while you still love them. Unlike most, I did not stay in and feel bad. Instead, I went out and got really drunk and have had a lot of sex since the break up. I have also done the internet dating thing. I have decided that soon I will end my friendship (after my company christmas party because I need to stay at her place for convenience) and after that I am just chillin. I have realized that the joy and happiness she brings me does not overcome the pain. Plus, you have to wonder about the ego boost you are giving this person. I have recently taken the position that I will contact her or ask for plans and never get back unless I get a response. Unfortunately, I am getting a response and am realizing I just need to walk away. If you are a good person, then it is hard because you almost have to be ruthless and have an ego and say f you, but in a nice way. Every woman I know says to cut ties. Women think so much differently than men. Just chill and the reality is that you will be over her weather she wants you back or not. I am what most women would call a very nice guy, but my ego has kicked in and I am done being a *CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED*. It is good to hear there are nice guys out there, but walk away because if they want you they will find you and if not, the friendship thing sucks! I have done it and I am done with it! There are so many great women out there and although there are many as**h*le guys out there, there are some good ones. Last weeek I met an older woman that just complimented me so much and I had sex with her and afterwards I was pretty guilty. She was cute and accomplished, but I just want to be with a cool woman or none at all. It is ok to be alone you know. It can be awesome. Yes, this was long winded and I apologize. Don't contact her unless she contacts you. That is my humble opinion.

 

ocrob