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Tactful discussions in a relationship


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Hello everyone, haven't been on in a while and I have really missed it here

 

A little bit of history here... I am divorced, a year or so after the divorce I met someone I thought might be "the one" we ended up living together for 4 years and then broke up tragically, dv, harassment from him etc. After that relationship I decided that I would not live with a man I was not married to again. Mainly because in that relationship I lost everything, I ended up leaving with nothing- that's right NOTHING, in my new apartment I actually lived with just my bed and a tv I bought from a friend for over 2 months that was my only furniture, while I got back on my feet, I had to buy my own car from my ex because he had titled it in only his name not both like he said he would...

 

ok now the problem... a little over a year ago I met a great guy and we have been dating ever since, he is great, possibly headed toward marriage, but the issue is he spends the night ALOT. In the past 6 weeks he has spent 2 nights at his place, so he is basically living with me. How do I tactfully tell him that this is against my rules, I told him in the beginning I would not live with someone who was not my husband, but now how do I tell him to keep the overnights to 1 or 2 a week without offending him.

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Have you ever discussed that belief before - it may be something that should of come up previously! Though, given it has not...you still should approach it if it is important to you.

 

It's tough to bring up something like this I know because there is that fear of offending him, or harming things as they are...but you also should not compromise your own values.

 

Personally, I am all for living with someone before marriage, however I do respect some think quite the opposite of me!

 

I am not sure there is a way to make it "easier"...you are just going to have to let him know..something along the following "I really love spending time with you, I enjoy being with you and I really do enjoy having you over at nights, however I am uncomfortable with it because I promised myself after my last experiences I would never live with someone before marriage again".

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I just don't want to put myself in the type of situation again until I'm sure it's permanent. He's great, but I decided after the last fiasco to live my life differently, not live my life for the guy, to just live my own life, but that is hard to do when you are basically living with someone. I enjoy my alone time too. There is the problem, it's not like he is doing anything wrong, I am just of the mind that until I am married my time and my home are my own. To do with as I please (of course respecting the relationship) but basically doing what I want when I want without having to consult with someone about it first.

 

does that make sense?

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Have you ever discussed that belief before - it may be something that should of come up previously! Though, given it has not...you still should approach it if it is important to you.

 

 

I did discuss this with him in the beginning, and more recently I kind of brought it up in a joking way that it was like we are living together and that is against the rules, but ...he's still here

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I just don't want to put myself in the type of situation again until I'm sure it's permanent.

 

Just one question...what do you see as "permanent". Your last marriage did not turn out to be "permanent", correct?

 

It's not the status that demonstrates your survival or security, it is the people involved.

 

My mom and stepfather have been together 20+ years, never married by their own choice, however are very much "permanent". I know many others whom got married and split within months or years.

 

Anyway, it's fine to believe in not living together until marriage, I just worry about that assumption...of course it is ideal, and what I TOO believe in (marriage is a lifetime commitment), just not often the reality!

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Have you ever discussed that belief before - it may be something that should of come up previously! Though, given it has not...you still should approach it if it is important to you.

 

 

I did discuss this with him in the beginning, and more recently I kind of brought it up in a joking way that it was like we are living together and that is against the rules, but ...he's still here

 

Maybe be less joking about it. If you phrase it as a joke, he may think you really are okay with it and are bending your own rules.

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very true raykay, but I think for me to live with someone, even if the marriage fails then at least I am protected somewhat if it does fall apart.

not that I want what isn't mine but I never want to end up sitting on pillows on the floor for 2 months again that was a hard lesson.

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Have you ever discussed that belief before - it may be something that should of come up previously! Though, given it has not...you still should approach it if it is important to you.

 

 

I did discuss this with him in the beginning, and more recently I kind of brought it up in a joking way that it was like we are living together and that is against the rules, but ...he's still here

 

Maybe be less joking about it. If you phrase it as a joke, he may think you really are okay with it and are bending your own rules.

 

 

I agree wholeheartedly with this, a few days after I had joked about it and he was still here I thought to myself the joking probably wasn't the best way to approach it.

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very true raykay, but I think for me to live with someone, even if the marriage fails then at least I am protected somewhat if it does fall apart.

not that I want what isn't mine but I never want to end up sitting on pillows on the floor for 2 months again that was a hard lesson.

 

The "shabby chic" thing does not do it for you then I guess

 

I do understand where you are coming from.

 

Here the law is a bit different, there is some more protection in common law relationships. To be considered common law, and be protected, you either have to present yourself as common law after 6 months, or after three years it automatically comes into effect. From research I have done into it, after three years though, they will "go back" further to that 6 months when considering assets or something..confusing but in any case, there does seem to be more protection for common-law couples then there is in the U.S.

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Then use that "joking" as a starting point..."You know, after I joked about it the other day it got me to thinking..."

 

 

I think that is what I will do, thank you so much.

 

and no the "shabby chic" thing just isn't my cup of tea, lol, trying to build a comfortable life is kind of thwarted when you have to totallly start over every 5 years

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  • 2 weeks later...
Hi, just wanted to let you know RayKay, that I did have the discussion with my bf, brought it up the way you had suggested. Everything went well, he is back in his own place, no hurt feelings- thanks!

 

Great to hear that punchy....and I am glad you both were able to bring it up and he appears to have been pretty understanding of how you feel

 

Good luck to you both.

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