Commitment Phobe?

[teach1]

So, I've been dating a 35 year old guy, I'm 28, for a little under two months. We see each other 3-4 times a week, usually during the week, which is easy because we live close by to each other in the same city. We also see each other on the weekends, but not every weekend, which sometimes concerns me.

 

We are dating exclusively, and he has told me that he adores me on a number of occasions, but he doesn't always include me in his plans with his friends. I have met many of them, and I have also met his sister and mother as well. He tells me that he talks about me to his friends all the time and that they can tell "he really likes me."

 

The thing is, he was engaged and the engagement was broken off almost a year ago. He says he is scared of relationships now, and that he needs to take things slow with me. He tells me he really likes me, but is trying to figure out if he can give me 100% right now, whatever that means.

 

Is he sending me mixed messages? or am I jumping the gun? I mean, I know it's only been two months, but I think I may be ready to get more serious, and he isn't just yet. Should I be patient and try my best to move at his pace???

 

Confused! Please help!

[rionmccloud]

Get more srious how? It's only been two months, calm down. The guy likes you a bit, I should say. You don't introduce girlfriends to important people in your life if they are not important themselves.

 

As far as the weekends make your own plans and have your own life. That's what he's doing. You don't HAVE to be together all the time. It's okay, and I think a good idea, to have YOU time.

 

Do what feels right, though. Usually can't go wrong. Notice I said RIGHT not good. There's a difference.

[DN]

I agree - two months is too short a time to get serious and be thinking along those lines. Just relax and enjoy the relationship as it is. Plenty of time to analyse things when there is enough to analyse.

[teach1]

so I shouldn't be concerned that we don't have plans until Sunday/Sunday night? And not Friday or Sat. night? He has plans with friends both nights... I know he always tells the truth, he always ends up calling me when he's out and when he gets home, but the comment about not being able to give me 100 percent right now scares me.

[DN]

Relax - it's only two months. Make sure you have other interests as well and don't focus all your attention on this guy.

[LoveLife8888]

problem you have, BUT mine is worse than yours.

 

I have been dating this guy who also lives in my town for about 3 months and 2 weeks (3 & 1/2 month) and I never see him on a Sat. night or Sunday or Sunday nite. It's only on Monday, Wed and Fridays

 

AND - I have not met any of his friends or family which is really starting to BUG me, so I am soon maybe going to be dating other guys. 2 weeks ago we had a discussion and we both agreed that we were exclusive re: sex and not seeing other people.

 

I have been to his house in the day and nite but never on a weekend.

 

What do you think of that.

 

 

[goddess23]

NO you dont wnat to smother this guy and this way it keeps you both with your own lives. you shouldnt feel DEPENDANT on them too much. granted, it would be nice that you guys do make plans at least once on the weekend at least every 2 weeks. but i wouldnt stress it too much. chill for now. it is too soon

[dreamcatcher5]

Ok girls. If you are seeing a guy and its only been 6 weeks to two months, you should be filling up your time with all sorts of activities to keep your mind of him. Not getting too involved. Which brings me to my next point. SEX.

 

If you are sleeping with a guy and have been for most of the 2 months or so....then you will be putting yourself into a position where you are 'bonding' with this guy. Your hormones...namely Oxytocin...will be surging through your body every time you see....hear....smell...touch....him. You are putting yourself into a position where your impartiality.....your judgment of how good or bad for you he is....is on the line. At the point where you sleep with a guy, you will accept him because of the bonding/hormone connection regardless of how good for you he is or isnt. You are putting yourself into a place where 'what he is doing.....where he is.....who he is with....what time he gets home....who he sees when he's out....everything he does....is of the utmost importance to you. So your rational self that may sit back and take a good look at this guy and see if he is in fact good for you will be replaced by the hormone driven self that wants him....warts and all.

 

My point is that at 2 months, when you are not sleeping with a guy.....you can remain quite emotionally distanced and keep your own life kicking along very nicely. When you are sleeping with the guy.....you 'bond' (oxytocin) and you then put yourself into a place where you may 'obsess' over him and spend way too much time thinking about him. He may take up way too much air time in your thoughts. More than he deserves perhaps in some cases, only because you have bonded with him before you get to really know him and if he is good for you.

 

This puts you in a place where you want to see more and more of him but he....being a male.....who doesn't bond in quite the same way through sex.....as a woman does.....doesn't necessarily share the same urgency in maintaining constant contact with you. So the answer then is this...

 

Keep yourself really busy if you find yourself obsessing over him. Even if you just want more than he does in the relationship at an early stage. Divert your attention elsewhere with loads of interesting things to do. Take yourself constantly to places where you'll meet other great guys, to keep your sense of balance with him. If you are sleeping with him....try putting the brakes on it. If you part with him.....stay away for at least 8 weeks completely, to shake the oxytocin 'fix' problem. It'll be easier to resist him if you do finish with a guy at some point to stay completely away from him. But if you want more from a man, you must move in the AWAY direction from him. The busier you are, the happier you are, the more light and breezier you are and happy to see him when you do (as apposed to any heavy, we dont see enough of each other conversations) the more attracted to you he will become. The more he'll want to see you. Remember you dont put yourself at the risk of 'bonding' too quickly by sleeping with a guy too soon. This isnt a morality call.....its a self preservation one. It keeps you in charge with your emotions. Ok this is just some input on why women tend to want more from guys in the early stages....and men are happy to coast along.

[Luciana]

It's too early for you to tell whether he has a commitment problem, give it 6 months. HOwever, it's in these initial phase that couples like to spend time with each other better, so you can get to know each other well.

 

If you work from Monday to Friday then Friday and Saturday nights are the nights you have for entertainment (since you can probably sleep in the morning after), and he is not spending them with you, which is a bit suspicious. Some guys who ar ejuggling more than one woman reserve those nights for the "serious one".

 

If I were you I would ask him if you can accompany him in one of those outings with his friends. Why can't you go too? Are they chasing women? Then you have to be cautious because he now has a GF: you. He shoudn't have to be chasing women.

 

If he doesn't agree, follow him and find out what's going on. Or find a guy who is willing to spend every weekend (not necessarily the whole weekend) with you.

 

"You" time is good, but if you are being constantly being left alone, it means he is not that much into you, period.