Breaking up is the least of my problems...

[notmyself24]

Hello, here is a link to the last post I made under "pregnancy".

link removed

 

I am sorry for posting so much *panicking*, its just that SO MUCh has been bottled up in the past 4 months. I had gone through so much w/my "ex" bf. that many people do not go through in a life time- this is not an exaggeration!

 

Today, I had it & told him we should give one another space- he is so suffocating & confusing- alternates b/t crying & becoming needy to I have no time (to make a simple phone call). He whines about how much he loves me, needs me, wants to marry me to acting like he could care less- he is confused & its bugging the hell out of me.

 

I know most people say 4 months- move on, but it isn't that simple. Both of us had been in long term relationships (4 years- me & 8 years- him).

 

I said we need space & if someone comes along that is better for us, that is fine. he began to panick- but he is good at the poker face when we are in person & playing it cool on the telephone...he acted very calm, even though I know he will call me crying later- he is so predictable.

 

I loved him b/c how he made me feel: he's 6'2, I'm 5'3. He is noce to look at, has a soothing voice & can be goofy like me & when we were together all was fun & relaxed- it "felt right". But, I have come to realize from experience that feelings can be wrong & they are not everything. I do analyze alot & this annoyed him even though he also analyzed.

 

I have flip-flopped many times w/him- want to break up- no, lets give it another chance. Today, I was the one who stood my ground. We were supposed to see each other today (on his terms, of course). I realize that I cannot sacrifice anymore or stop my world for him. When I was pg, he said that he couldn't stand how much control I had- he felt pwerless- he stopped at nothing for me not to keep the baby- he manipulated me & lied & I was too weak to fight him.

 

There are days I cry non-stop & want to die- I attemped suice over a year ago by oding on 200+ pills. I am still here today for a reason, but deep down I am a broken soul. On the outside I am well put together. Someone says I make my outsides look nice to cover up how I feel deep down. My body wants to cave in, but my mind is so strong, I cannot even give up. I must live for the baby I lost & getting rid of bf was the first step into my recovery. Thanks for listening.

[notmyself24]

As time goes on, there is mre info that comes to me-

 

Mike also has issues with letting go- he can be in denial about us "not working out"- its hard to expinan, but I told him many times that I want to leave- it can be so draining with him (serious abandonment issues, he has). Instead of giving me space, he holds on tighter, which makes me more resentful...I do love him, I just don't know if he is the one I should marry- does that make sense.

 

He has wonderful qualities & is a loyal friend- I think he makes a better friend than lover, I dont feel romance with him, our relationship is so real & raw that rmance just seems phoney...I don't know! This is the second time I fell in love so fast & now we are in cahoots.

 

No matter how bad a situation is, I never regret it, I learn from it. But when it comes to relationships, I keep making mistakes, it just becomes disenchanting, yet I still want more...is it an addiction? See, I analyze too much & this is one thing that he gets annoyed with...sorry for my rambling. In life, people come to me for advice, I just want to talk about myself for once & also willing to help. I know I will be judged harshly, but this is the Internet, I cannot hide these issues in my "loving" relationship anymore!!!

[Weezy]

Writing makes everything more clear, keep it coming. The more you look back and see how he manipulated you the more you will notice it daily and you will have the will to say enough.

[notmyself24]

Thanks for the encouragement weezy- well, here I go again, off in a million tangents...

 

After I told bf I need space, i didn't call him, but about 2 hours later I sent him a text & he was in class (his phone is alos off) so he didn't respond. When I left school i went to lunch by myself & called a friend to talk about what been going on w/bf lately. My friend said I should seek counseling to get out of this relationship- I had been in serious denial...

 

So, bf called me while I was talking to my friend, but I never got a message until 2 hours later. The message was long & he said he wanted to see me, but i twas getting late & boxing was on (his favorite sport). He hoped we were not fighting, he said I love you many times & acted all remorseful. Of course, the sucker that I am calls him back & we make plans for Sunday since he has a meeting early at one of his jobs (he's not a morning person). We talked a couple of times Sat. night b/t boxing matches & he says that he has to go home to help his uncle clean out a shed- typical. He called me sunday at noon telling me he's still coming. I waited until 4pm, no call then he called soon after saying he was already in New York on his way. I met him around 5 & we had a great dinner & we talked about our issues (that I thought were resolved). he got paid & was going to finally turn his cell back on & switch to Nextel- the phone I have. In the morning he had an internship in New York at 9am. His pans for the evening were to go home & wipe out his computer b/c there were alot of viruses, call me & go to bed. We talked once on his way home, but I never got a call later on- he usually calls me before he goes to bed.

 

Around 8 I called, no answer. he was supposed to be on his way to the internship so I called again after 9- his phone was supposed to be off & i was gonna leave a message. It was on & he picked up. He realized he over slept & said he had to go. he called back a few mins. later b/c he called in sick & now he had free time until 3PM, his next job, to pay his cell bill.

 

I asked him why he didn't call. He said he called twice- I never received missed calls. Usually, I trust people when they say something, but he has exaggerated about stuff before, so I assumed he said that to cover his ass. I began grilling him on his night- then I told him how irresponsible he is for over sleeping & I am just settleing- He says: Then leave me...I aked him if he would hate me- He said: No, I love you. Then he said, we dont have plans for Sat., maybe I could make up the internship then. But we did make plans for the weekend- according to him that could mean fri., sat. or sun. He was just becoming too frustrating & he said he doesn't want to deal with me criticizing him. This is BS b/c I was the one who always encouraged him to live his dreams. i was his greatest support system- how could he say that? I just hung up on him & never called him back. This is not the last of him, I assume. he always ends up emailing me or leaving a long vm about how sorry he is. I am through on so many levels. At this point I want to change my number!

 

I am starting to think that my bf treated his exs similimarly & maybe the 8 year one who left him had low selfesteem & they met very young, so it took her that much longer to break free from him. he alsways says that he doesn't play games, but i was not born yesterday-

 

Isn't with holding communication a game? I mean he says he will call- sometimes doesn't or I will tell him to call more- that's all & he stubbournly doesn't b/c he says calling more won't change anything- but, it will & he'll try to call more then stop b/c he says that he knows we love each other so why should he prove anything- this is petty, I know, but there are many underlying issues.

 

He has no money (he can't even pay his phone bill every month b/c it is very expensive), his bank account is closed b/c of bounced checks (he's paying off a $5,000 sugery he had before we met), he has no health insurance- the list goes on & on...and when I confront him in a diplomatic way he tells me: "Then why don't you leave me? I've been left before and I treated them better than you..." I always have money even though I dont work so I offer to help pay some of his bills & he can pay me back since he's working 2 jobs- but, he refuses, so the bills keep piling & this causes him stress & takes it out on me (so he says). I can't take it anymore.

[notmyself24]

I guess I am talkimg to myself on this thread, thats ok- its good to vent.

 

I am by no means playing the helpless vitic (anymore). I should have learned from past xperiences & listening to others- when you give too much, act like a door mat, and expect something in return, the only thing you get back is disrespect.

 

The best move I made was to tell him a few weeks ago that I cannot marry him b.c. I would feel trapped- in fact, it was another of his manipulations to hold me to him. he wouldn't let me go, a friend of mine said I had to go- the irony is, there was nothing holding us together in the first place.

 

Last time, i took a step to leave him about a month ago- he acted like he hated me & never want to speak to me ever again then went right ahead & began texting me ho wmuch he loves me, will neve fall out of lve with me, wants to give me another baby, so sorry about putting me through an abortion--

 

My friends who was there through all this told me hes a loser & just leave. I';s only been 4.5 months. I am still distraught about my descision to abort, I guess i cling to him too or uses him not leaving me as an exscuse to stay b/c there are positive things b/t us. I cant stand is manipulations any more- slowly I am losing respect for him & think he may have blined me to the fact that he is a loser (its happened to me in the past). Sweet talk only goes so far...

[zcloud]

Why would he want to "give you another baby" after he made sure to get rid of the last one? Ugh this is so awful; when it comes to life and death of a child, there is more at stake than a man trying to figure out what he wants - this is too serious. He seems like he wants to engage you in some ever lasting drama of some sort, just so you're always around should he ever need you. If you think he's an a$$, leave him and be done with it. If not....

How much is he in debt, tell him you can marry him when he is gainfully employed and proves his worthiness, you can wait. This is a person who is "playing" relationship rather than having a real relationship. If you don't want to play you need to get out before you get hurt much more deeply. If you want to play, then go ahead but realize it's a game; and he may never be ready for anything real with you. In this game, STOP helping him financially, emotionally. If this is the reason he is with you, then as soon as you stop helping him or he gets a job or any other way to pay his bills he will leave. He isn't really here now. You should try to date other guys and keep him as an unreliable backup if he's even worth that. Usually I'm always for trying to work things out; but this guy needs so much work, even I would have given up out of sheer exhaustion.

[notmyself24]

I DONT pay his bills, I offer knowing that he works & can pay be back, however, he always says NO to my money...

 

Mike usually calls me & texts me 3 times at night around 1, 2 , and 3 am knowing that I am asleep. I am a morning person & he is a night owl. His friends (2 best buddies) are very important to him & he stays up all hours hanging out with them, watching movies etc..

 

Well, he called me on Weds. morning to tell me he got me something that i would love b/c he never has gotten me anyhting. Later he called me & then left me a vm (while I was in manhattan doing yoga). he said how much he misses me & he wants to tell me what the gift is b/c he can't wait until saturday.

 

I called him back later on & was dying to know what the gift was- he finally told me that he bought me a gold necklace with a heart pendant surrounded by diamonds, then he told me it was $200. Ok. My ex bought me a $2,000 Gucci watch- I am not a snob, but used to nice things & I guess he was trying to tell me that he is spending money on me (finally). That is not what I need, but I feel if I don't accept the gift, he will think i dont appreciate him.

 

Part of me knows that he is not ready- for a family or even marriage. I dont think he is stringing me along although someone who has known me a long times says I deserve better & can do better.

 

I love him very much so this relationship is not easy to just let go of. I guess his issues stem from 2 woman he loved leaving him & he had not wanted our baby, so he is is the main reason I aborted b/c I told him to go away if he didn't want it, but he made damn sure I didn't keep my baby yet I am still with him, caring for him. I must sound like a very needy person, but he is actually the needy one b/c he couldn't stand me loving another human being more than him which is why I believe he never wanted the baby to be born. I f I knew he would be like this I would never have had the ab. I am a good person & I miss the baby everyday & wrute him/her letters & poems & cry everyday b/c of the loss & myselfish actions!

Sorry for rambling. Thanks for any advice to my confusing life.

[2cute2bstressed]

i hope each day gets better for you