I've got to stop ignoring this now... Please help!

[Doctor Smurf]

This is kind of a combination of two issues, and one of them I have been trying to ignore for too long now. It will be quite hard but I will try and be honest with this.

 

I met a girl in college last year when I was 14. It was obvious from the first time that we set eyes upon each other that she had feelings for me. A week later she asked for my number, and from then we embarked on a relationship. The only conceivable problem with that is that she was 17. Our tutor got wind of what was happening and she brought it to the attention of my father. He judged it as inappropriate, and he spoke to us together. He kind of explained why, but the outcome was that there was no way we could go out together.

 

Not out of spite for my Dad, but feelings can't always be controlled and a year later we are still very close. We agreed that we shouldn't go out, but we have always been very up-front and flirty, even to the degree of holding hands in class and stuff. Looking back on it I guess it was wrong.

 

We finished college together at the end of term last year, and stayed in contact. Just recently we decided to meet up, and she came to where I work without knowledge of either of our parents. In hindsight it may have been an error of judgement, but I feel wrong saying that because I enjoyed it so much. That evening we ended up making out together. That was two weeks ago, and since then she has been texting me in an increasingly sexual manner. I responded to it, and we had a really nice chat on the phone the other night.

 

I am coming up to my 16th, and her 19th, so the age gap is still far too prohibitive. This is where my second issue comes in, being that I would be so happy to have a girlfriend my own age. I feel that whilst I am the way I am towards this older girl I couldn't be dedicated to a lasting relationship no matter how much I wanted it, because I do love her.

 

How can I tell her that we should cut out a lot of the sexual things between us without making it sound bad? Because to hurt her would break my heart, she means so much to me. I plan to take her as my guest on our staff Christmas dinner, (Which my father knows and agrees to) and I definitely can't have her coming on to me then!

 

What can I say to her, considering that meeting up isn't an option? Because I feel that until I get some space from her, not that I want to that much, I will be unable to find a girl my age. Will I ever meet someone similar to her my age? I have come to doubt it somewhat. Is this a normal thing to happen to a guy of my age? I mean I have always liked older women, but a year later I am in quite deep with this one! And I like her so much!

 

Please help me to straighten this out… Thanks for your time, respond as honestly as you can!

 

[Beec]

Interesting issue. You want her, the older woman, but that is just not going to work now. If you had your choice, my guess is that you would be with her. (I question why she wants to be with you, not the other way around.) And my guess is that in five years, you may choose to do just that, but in the meantime, it just won't work and you do want someone.

 

So why not just tell her this: Look, I want it, but we cannot, so let's try to act like it's not an issue. Let's keep a friendship, and maybe in the future there can be more. For now, I cannot take the tension.

[hazlcha]

My gut reaction here is that all that you need is a little time. She being three years older than you is not an issue. The issue is you being 16. You're happily a bit young to be getting so deeply involved, certainly sexually. That certainly should wait a bit.

 

However, I don't think you need to break up with her for a girl your age because of that. I think that having a relationship without sex can be every bit as fulfilling, especially since you know in the future there will be a time for everything. If she really has feelings for you, she will respect your impressive self-awareness and principles when you simply say, "it's not right for me to do this just yet." I truly doubt she'd be heartbroken by that.

 

So maybe the best way to go would be to remain close friends, keep certain limits but support each other. I always feel the best part of any relationship is knowing that someone wonderful is there for you, and that you are there for them. Maybe that's what you should enjoy now.

[Doctor Smurf]

I see what you mean and we've both had times when we needed eahc other for support.

 

Should I continue to try to find someone my age, or wait until I'm old enough to see her sensibly?

Thanks for your posts!

[hazlcha]

Well, a girlfriend is not like the sort of thing that you have to have, or else something is wrong with you, especially at 16. Why such pressure to find someone your own age, or anyone else, for that matter? Unless, of, course, that's what you want to do. But if you love this girl, as it seems you do, why not continue the relationship in a loving but not-yet-physical manner? You don't need to have sex when you're in high school. It's not a rule, and I don't even think it's a good thing, because it becomes the whole reason for the relationship for many people. But that's my opinion.

 

Trust me, a true soul mate is a blessed thing, and rare to find. If you have that, you won't mind waiting for the physical activity, and you'll be happy with the loving companionship. It's great. Don't feel that your missing something when what you have is worth so much.