need help! married for a year and no sex in almost 3 months!

[chuckd]

Hi. First post... I've been married for a little over a year. I love my wife more than anything, but we haven't had sex in about 2.5-3 months. She says it's because I've gained weight since we married (so has she, but not as much as I have) but I haven't gained any in the past 5 months. Even when we first got married we had sex 2 times a week, tops. Then it went to once a week. Then once a month. She says she still loves me, but I am afraid she is perhaps getting some on the side... I hate to say that, but I just don't know what else to think. I am very loving towards her, I do the majority of cooking and cleaning. She is on her feet all day at work so I give her foot massages almost every night. It makes me feel bad whenever I try to initiate anything, because I know I'm going to get turned down. Sadly, I have had thoughts of waiting until the next time she tries to initiate so I can turn her down so she knows how I feel. I know that sounds petty, and I probably won't do it. But what is sad is the reason I won't do it is NOT because I don't want to do it out of spite (which SHOULD be the reason) but because I don't want to miss an oppurtunity to have sex and have to wait another 3 months. What can I do? Please help!

[Bubble]

I am considered to be fairly young. I was married and had 3 kids by the time I was 21. I can tell you that early in my marrage I was terrified to have sex with my husband. I was afraid that he would compare to his other physical relationships and be disappointed with me. It is so important to talk to your wife about your FEELINGS...NOT what you are THINKING. There is a big difference. Maybe she is feeling stressed at her work or wants more romance like in the beginning of your relationship. The first 4 years of marrage where our hardest. With kindness and understanding on my husbands part it made me feel safe enough to open up to new feelings and experiences with him. Keep a positive attitude and romance her, make her feel like she is the most important thing in the world. Love each other and don't let your pride get in the way of talking about everything.

 

Good Luck,

 

Bubble

[snowchild]

Did you get married too soon? Have you been for therapy?

 

Lack of sex in a relationship causes damage. Period. It is damaging my current relationship to the point of no return.

 

There are many reasons for lack of desire but sometimes (as in the case of my gf) they are not understood or resolved. The amount of damage this has caused my relationship of 3 years is immesurable. We've been to therapy but my gf didn't want to continue with it. She doesn't want sex, she doesn't even like it if I kiss her sometimes. My relationship is at an end because of it.

 

If you are serious about your marriage (sounds like you are) then you need to get this sorted ASAP as resentment will soon build up in you and your feelings will be damaged. In fact, I can see it already has as you are thinking of rejecting her next advance (been there done that).

 

Both of you need to know that this is a serious problem, especially after only 1 year of marriage. Therapy is probably a thing you should think about suggesting at this point.

[n1ce_guy]

Hi Chuck,

 

I just posted a thread, describing a situation similar to yours. The differences being she gained a little weight, but has since lost it. Plus, neither of us are getting anything "on the side". We're completely faithful to each other. We have sex only about once a month. Like your wife, mine's very busy-- she went back to college full time and often says our lack of sex is because her schedule and mine were too opposite (her classes are at night, and my work is during the day). But this entire summer all her classes are during the day so we're free at night, but then she says she's too tired. She seems to make a lot of claims like that which she ends up contradicting. And I too do almost all the cleaning around the house (we usually cook for ourselves). And I have also found myself turning her down for other things to have her feel what I feel sometimes-- for example just yesterday, she wanted to play a computer game with me. I probably would have under normal circumstances, but I said no. It does sound petty, but it's a small way of regaining a sense of "control" in the relationship when the lack of sex makes you feel like she's calling all the shots.

 

I know I haven't really given advice, but thought you'd be interested to know that it sounds like we have a similar predicament. Good luck, and feel free to drop me a line if it'll help to blow off steam.

 

-Guy

[PowerjacK72]

I am getting married in 5 weeks and my fianece and me haven't had sex in over a year. She has been concerned about her weight and has managed to lose some in the past 3 months. The reason she is losing the weight is because she wants to look good and wants to have sex on our wedding night. I am concerned that after we get married things won't change and that is not acceptable to me. I am not the most affectionate guy but I am tired of trying to initiate sex and keep getting rejected.

[Sexlesssassy]

All the posts that I looked at are quite similar to mine, except I am the female in need of a good pounding..........Anyway, I have been married about 5 months so I know all the thoughts that come from lack of intimacy...Cheating, porn, love, etc.

 

Well, after all my research I guess I realize that people have different sex drives..Period. Sometimes they change with the season or day of the week. I have been looking hard to find things that make us happy. When I posted before I listed the things I tried...lingerie, toys, bondage, role play, music, porn, tanning, etc. In the end it came back to the fact that his sex drive is not as high as mine.

 

Part of this could be age? I am 8 years younger than my husband. Either way this is one thing I find to work. Sneaky or not I have found that not appearing to be interested in sex, messages, kissing, etc. Reverse phyco I guess. Make your partner understand what it is like to want something!

 

On a nicer note, I find that scheduling a time to have sex helps me. That way I know I have maybe 3 days until I enjoy him. If it happens sooner fine, but at least I know when it is coming=)

 

Talking to your partner is helpful, explain it is not a want but a need!!!!

I hope something works. Without sex a relationship is hindered. Always remember what ever you don't do somebody else will!!!!!!!

 

[saylzman]

Ive been married 6 months and 4 days and I havent had sex with my wife in 6 months and 1 day I think you all can do the math on that one.

 

She is pregnant I understand hormones sometimes go different ways.

 

But it seems like somwhere in the 6 months she would have wanted to.

 

We dont kiss we went from a regular kiss to a peck on the lips (she said because i get her face wet when i kiss her) well thats not really a kiss so I dont even try to anymore.

 

Im so confused. Has anyone else been in this situation.

[avman]

Oh I've been where you are. After 3 kids I just got used to having sexual activity die out during a pregnancy. Some women get sick. Others just have problems with hormones. Many just don't feel like it.

 

Don't take it personally. Try and be supportive and understanding during this time. Your wife is having a LOT of things going on in her body and fulfilling your sexual needs is really not high on her priorities list.

 

Hang in there. The best advice I can give you is to have a complaining session with your buddies about it. You'll have to suck it up for the time being and just focus on her. She needs your love and support and not your demands right now. Its an investment you need to make for the sake of your marriage and for your child.

 

avman

[saylzman]

Well Its good to know that some people stop having sex when pregnant I was told women get more "horny" during pregnancy.

 

Thats a relief and I will try to be as supportive as i can be, even though its tough to rub her back or anything when she doesnt allow me near her.

[sykochik]

I have been in my relationship with my fiance' for almost 3yrs now and we have a beautiful son and are a very young couple. We are only both 22....but we have like a zilch sex life, it seems like we never want anything to do with each other intimitley and when either of us might have an incling the other is a hell no.....but it wasn't always so. Sometimes I feel that having our son has royally thrown our sex life down the drain...I've gained some extra poundage that I can't seem to get rid of and well that just makes me think its my fault. We don't have a bad relationship either...its just like we are living together as best friends...its very odd. We love each other but aren't interested at all in each other sexually. Is this normal??