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eating problems - please help me


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this is the first time i am actually facing this problem and talking about it.. i need help.. i have to stop this.. my body is not in good shape... please help!

 

anyway, it started a little after the start of the new year, i got really sick with some awful stomach infection (to where i couldn't keep anything heavier then some fruit or soup down without getting sick and throwing up) and i was also diagnosed with really bad IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) (fyi: stomach problems, etc. run in the family). anyway, i lost about 15 pounds pretty quickly.. and then the rumors started. people were making all kinds of judgements and talking about my "eating disorder," etc. and i got really upset about it.. this was also around the most stressful time of senior year of high school - everything ending and college preperations, etc. needless to say, i was not happy.. eventually i got over the stomach bug but i suddenly didnt want to gain weight. i liked the new thin me.. and i started making myself throw up after i ate. it scared me so much the first time i did it that i cried but then i realized how wonderful it could be - i could eat anything i wanted and then just get rid of it... the best of both worlds..i began getting so smart about it- new exactly which bathrooms i could go to and no one would hear, how long i could wait after starting to binge and still get EVERYTHING out.. i know it sounds sick but it's like i became numb to it.. and i used to be the girl who would throw up if i even smelled or saw someone else do it in like elementary school.. and here i was planning when i could go and raid the kitchen and make sure to allow time to throw up afterwards... it was awful. this went on til the end of the semester and i was now 20 pounds smaller than i had started at the beginning of the year.. then i had a "month off" when my family went to europe for a month and i decided it would be way to hard to keep up these habits and i completely stopped and ate what i wanted when i wanted and had an amazing time.. it was so wonderful and i was so happy with my family and in these amazing countries with all this food and such but then suddenly i was home again in the states- and 6 pounds heavier.. i was so disgusted and fell right back into my old habits.. which is where ive been since.. there was even a point when i felt it was ok to have this problem: the day i found out one of my very best friends had the same problem.. we formed some unspoken, twisted understanding of each other and actually helped each other out at times - using each others bathrooms, etc. it was as if i started justifying my puking because i knew she was doing it too and so i wasn't alone.. now im my first semester of college and it's worse than it's ever been - ive even recently accidently cut the back of my throat with my fingernails bc i was so desperately trying to get rid of the food and thereforeeee small amounts of blood sometimes come out.. ive been getting some nosebleeds recently too and the worst thing is i cant stop.. i plan my meals around when my roommate wont be home afterwards so i can use our bathroom and she wont hear.. it's so awful i am so disgusted with myself. i want to stop so bad! ive tried.. i'll tell myself that ok i'm not going to do it at all today! and then ill successfully go one day w/o it and eating small normal food throughout the day but then the next day i try to go "another day" but by about midday i start feeling so guilty and fat and disgusting that ill go have myself another binge.. then ill sit on the bathroom floor crying because im such a failure.. another really bad thing about it is that it's not even worth it anymore because it's not even working anymore because ive actually gained a couple pounds - how can that be? i know it must be that my body thinks its in "starvation" and holding on to every bit of food like crazy so that even when i have my "healthy" days, it absorbs everything and blows me up really quick.. so but why i am still doing it?! i just dont know what to do.. i want to stop so bad i miss the days when i was healthy, i was always happy, ive been a dancer since i was 7 and i always prided myself that i was one of the girls who would eat normally and just exercise and would never fall into an eating disorder.. i never even understood how girls could do that to themselves.. but now here i am- drowning in the exact problem i said i would never fall into.. i completely understand how it completely controls you - i am so ashamed and really cant stop.. i dont know what to do.. has anyone delt with this first hand? how did you recover? i know that it is so bad for my body and i am so scared that i already have/ am going to cause serious damage to my body and have a heart attack and die or something.. ANY help would be amazing.. just steps or tips or what to tell myself to talk myself out of binging, or just how to stop the crazy cravings for all the "bad foods"... just please help.. please..

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don't let yourself be alone when you eat, or right after you eat. even if you're just in a restaurant with a book, by yourself. eat slowly. get used to sitting for a while after you eat. if you're by yourself, and you've eaten, take a nap for an hour or so. think of anything but the fact that you're eating. if you really feel disgusting on the second day, go to the gym, or for a run, or practice dancing.. work off the food instead of taking the easy route. that stuff helped me for a while. good luck, and take pride in the fact that you want to stop, and to get better.

Don't forget that you can always contact me if you need to talk, or i'm sure a lot of others here would be glad to help you if you aren't comfortable with talking to someone in person.

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You absolutely MUST get to a doctor/therapist to deal with this problem. You are bulimic.

 

The health risks with bulimia are severe. Not only can you severely damage your stomach, tear up your esophagus, lose your teeth, become malnourished, cancer - but you can also die. Sometimes when you throw up you mess the levels of potassium for example in your body, and you can die as your heart gives out. You can also experience paralysis.

 

Please read the following link for some of the dangers inherent with eating disorders.

 

link removed

 

You already know that being healthy means exercise and eating well, but your stuck in an illness right now, which you must get treatment for. It is way too hard to just fight on your own, and often impossible. The hardest part is seeking help and admitting you have a problem.

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