almost an ultimatim....

[SubtleGrace05]

Background, broke up last April, spent all spring and summer getting close and pulling apart. I never wavered on wanting him back, and wanting a relationship with him. Once he told me that he couldnt give me what I wanted, and that he couldnt see it ever getting back to the way it was. Yet he still makes contact.

 

Well, we are still talking, chatting, texting, making plans to see each other next week. I asked him today if he was comfortable with the way things are going, and he said yes, then asked me why I asked. I told him because I was still hoping we could put things back together. I asked him if he thought that was possible, and he said he hadn't really thought about it. I wasnt sure what to say at that point, so I said, well, you know how I feel and what I want, and he replied, yes he did. Then we went on to discuss other things.

 

I dont want to push, as that was one of the things he disliked when we were together. My instinct is to wait until we are together next week and ask him then, if he thinks there is a chance. If he says no, then why waste anymore time with him?

 

I guess my question is, how do you know when to take the next step, when to begin relationship talk? Ive tried so very hard to show him that I can be loving and patient, I dont want to screw up, yet I dont want to be strung along either. Im sure he needs time, but how will I know when times up?

 

Thanks,

 

Grace

[buffryan45]

i would tell him to leave you alone if things are not going to go the way you want them. If the relationship is unfulfilling for you then you could just get hurt more in the long run. I gave my ex an ultimatum on friday, lets fix this or leave me alone for good. Last night she called and we are gonna talk things over on wednesday night. I think i was in a similar situation to yours, but i didn't want to keep my hopes up for nothing. I agree that if he says no, you shouldn't waste anymore time on him, too, if he were to say no.

[atomic]

You will be a lot more attractive if you don't show interest. Call off seeing him at the last minute and leave the reason vague "sorry something't come up, I can't talk about it right now".

 

It will be the last thing he expects!

 

If you meet in the future I really wouldn't say anything, you can't force it to happen it just will or it won't. You just need to draw a line under it and some point and move on.

[SubtleGrace05]

Update - well, I dont think my question caused any damage, he has been very attentive and affectionate. I really think seeing him is the best indicator, also, if he tries to make it physical, I can simply tell him Im not comfortable taking it to that level unless there is a relationship developing.

 

I like the idea of canceling the meeting, but then again, it would be manipulation, so on an unconscious level he would sense that, and that would erase the trust Ive worked so hard to build. If I decide to change my mind, I will tell him that, that Ive changed my mind and why.

 

This has been such a learning experience for me. He is the type who is very much always in control, of everything, and Im the type who always wants to know who, what, when, where and how...right now!!! I know that he will do exactly what he feels is right, and he will decide when to take it to the next level or not, so Im learning patience (ought to be a four letter word!).

 

Thanks for the input, both of you.

 

Grace

[nataliejulie]

You sound just like me, with the who, what, when, where and how right now! He hated that. I'm trying to change that. We have similiar situations, however, if I ask if he thinks about getting back together, he tells me he thinks about it every minute of the day. Right now, we are working on things very slooooooooowly, so patience is all I have.

[SubtleGrace05]

Nataliejulie,

 

Thanks for your input. My guy is very cautious, confirmed bachelor and we are much older than you and your sweetie. When things were new and intense and good he wanted a committed relationship with me, just not sure what he wants now, but, I will not be a FWB or string along.

 

I try not to contact him alot, yet, I know he expects some and would be hurt if I didnt, so its a fine line. He is continuing to initiate contact with me, and that is nice.

 

Im sure that makes you feel good to know he thinks about you that often.

 

hugs,

 

Grace

[nataliejulie]

My man is 26 and going through a "mid-life crisis" already. lol

 

It's nice to know that he thinks about me......

 

but actions speak louder than words!

 

I wish he would put forth more effort as I am, but he has a right to be cautious considering I did a whooooooooole lot of wrong to him in the past.