in college, great friends/family...but i'm scared again

[sephoraX]

I'm in college Now. and i like it here. I'm away from some of my previous troubles (family life), but now i'm back here again.

 

I feel so...scared. I don't think i can keep up with everything. I know that if i drop out, i will screw my family over and they will be in debt. and if i fail here, the same will happen. and if i come back home (moved 2 hrs away for college) i will be a failure, and i will ahve to face the same troubles that drove me crazy before.

 

When i get really freaked out about stuff i think i have only one option, and i don't want to feel that way. I've been in this loop before, and i really was doing better. but for some reason it always comes back. Now i actually feel like more harm would come from suicide (i didn't feel that way before). I know that my family would be torn up, my boyfriend would be upset, and i can't have that. but i don't have a happy life. I'm not a good person. I'm not as nice to people, and i don't have much to offer them. I do my best, but i never seem to have a positive affect on anyone i meet. I try my best to be the bbest person i can...but nothing really improves.

 

I don't have a job, and i really need money. i don't want my family to continue paying for me. BUT i am always busy here and i always have alot of work to do. I can't find any on-campus jobs, and my boyfriend was just GIVEN a job for like the 5th time. (yes, someone just called and asked if he needed a job and now he gets $400 a week.) to add to it, he's getting money BACK fromthe gov't because his school (community college) didn't cost as much as they can give him. I go to a university that is kicking my a** all over the place and i really need some of the things that have ALWAYS been handed to him.

 

I don't think i'll ever be happy for more than a week without coming back to the 'suicide thoughts.' No one knows that i have ever felt like this and i don't want them to, but people always say stuff like 'call 911 if you ever have suicidal thoughts' or jsut tell someone. this is the best i got.

[UT]

Nothing good can ever come out of death.

 

We are stronger than we think. Don't be so scared of what others think. Make yourself happy. You can always cope with education. You just need to organize. I'm not good at that so I do everything in the last second. This is bad because I had and maybe still have a little dyslexia.

 

Just give it your best. We are only humans we can't do more than our best and more can't be expected.

 

You have everything to live for. Education and a lot of people who loves you are only some of the reasons. Even if they do get disappointed you will know in your heart that you did all you could. Failure is a part of growing as humans. It is needed for us to evolve.

 

Suicide is only an easy way out of what everyone experience. We might feel lonely and might be having a hard time. It happens to everyone. Some just seem to find the wrong solution.

 

Education is not the most important thing. Society is putting too much pressure on students of today. be yourself, love yourself for what you are and can do. Don't hate yourself for what you can't.

 

When something bad happens think positive. It'll be alright. Something VERY important to know it that it's okay to fail, its how we grow (as I stated earlier)

 

Hope this will help you. Take care

[atomic40]

Hey there,

 

As you state above, you try to be the best person you can be. This is all we can do in life no more can be asked of you. College is always tough at first. When I went away to school I was far away from my family and it was tough financially (going to school and living in Boston is super expensive). Money always has a way of working itself out however. It's also not everything in life, the people you care about and who care about you matter most. I made it through school working part time jobs and work study. Hang in there because you will meet so many interesting people in college and it will be a truly rewarding experience. I did not like it at first either but now I would do anything to go back

[sephoraX]

Thank you. What you said really was very helpful.

 

I still can't help but to feel like i'm..'ready to go.'

i mean, even if i don't take my own life i usually still feel liek something should. When a drunk driver hits someone with a great life and everything to live for, i don't understand why it doesn't happen to me instead.

 

and i fear that i may bring it on one day.

[UT]

Why should it. Even if you don't think you have anything good or great in your life you do. We all have. One life is not greater than another. Besides, we don't decide what's great or what isn't about your or someone else's life.

 

If you can't live for you at the moment then live for the ones who loves you. You family, your boyfriend would be devastated if they lost you. Often we mean more to the people around us than we do you ourselves.

 

I'm not rich or have had any luck in my entire life but I keep up the struggle. Nothing has ever been served to me. I had dyslexia, I never have any money, I found out I was gay (I don't see that as something bad anymore but in the beginning it was horrible)

 

Whatever you do, keep on living. To be hit by a car is VERY painful and it's more likely that you will survive it will major injuries that it is of you dying.

 

You don't need a speeding car or a blade. All you need is someone to talk to and remember you're not alone