I feel like a diffrent person - can you grow out of love?

[GoalieChiky]

I have been together with my husband since I was 19 - we were married when I was 24. I am now 27.

 

We have been through a lot together. We started dating the summer I came back from university. Went back to university then left after a month so I saw him a lot when I stayed at home. Went to college, he stayed at home. He then moved to Toronto. I graduated and moved in with him. That was in 2001. We have since married and gotten good jobs and enjoyed the city.

 

I love my husband very much and he is very good to me.

 

But I'm finding that I'm starting to change. Since being in the city, I have discovered so many cool things and they have had an affect on me. I used worry more what people thought of me and now I'm having more confidence in myself. I feel like I have discovered myself - sounds cheesy but don't know how else to put it.

 

I have spent my teenaged years not wanting to be single - as if being in a relationship defined me more. I always had everything planned and lay out exactly what I wanted. The typical house, kids, etc. Now I'm finding that's slowly changing. I have always been more mature for my age but now it's taking it toll. I'm feeling like I only have one life to live and I'm getting scared of regrets.

 

I want to talk to my husband about these feelings but other than explaining what I'm feeling, I feel like there is no solution. I've thought about maybe separating and trying to experience what I can to see if that helps but would it?

 

It's hard to find an unbiased ear within your own circle of friends so I'm glad I found this board. I'm feeling lost - tug of war between an ultimate discovery of oneself and your marriage. You would think that you should be able to grow together but I think that you still have to figure yourself out first and I was still growing when I was with my other half. I don't think people who get married late in their 20's experience this feeling as much as those who get together with their high school sweethearts...who knows.....I'm lost.

 

Any thoughts / direction would be amazing!

[Willow_Moon]

I kinda went through this a couple of years ago... my husband is 12 years older than me, and I was 22 when we married. I was in a place where I just suddenly didn't know what I wanted anymore... BTW, I was 27... not sure if that has anything to do with it or not. The thing was, when I went and finally told my husband what was going on in my head, I was surprised to hear him say that he had pretty much expected that this day would come... because he also went through a simular need to find himself at around 26 or 27.

 

He was very encouraging and was glad that I was finally at a point where I didn't want or need to define myself as 'his wife.' Maybe his reaction was in part because he was older than me, but he seemed really excited to find out what more there was to me that neither of us knew about. I asked him how he would feel if in my 'finding myself,' I found out that I no longer wanted to be married to him... and again he gave me encouragement to do what I needed to do. He didn't want us seperating to be the conclusion, but if it was then he would accept it.

 

He pointed out that in both of our lives we have each had people come into our lives and then later - for whatever reason - go out of lives. Did we regret our time together with these other people... even when the parting was painful, would we sincerely wish to have never of met them? Sometimes people's paths cross only for a nanosecond... other times we are on the same path with someone for a very long time or take our full journey through life with them, but sometimes our paths grow apart.

 

For myself, my husband and I are still very happily married... more so now than ever before, and feel proud to know that he was able to support me and let me test my wings... even though it was hard for him. It reminds me of the song by The Oak Ridge Boys... Fancy Free:

 

I'm sittin' fancy free, because she wants to go

She's tired of loving me, she told me so

I guess she don't know just how much she means to me

But along with all my dreams I'm settin' fancy free.

 

Chorus:

Yes, I'm setting fancy free even though I love her still

She'd be no good to me If I held her against her will

And even though that girl's the best part of my world

Along with all my dreams I'm settin' fancy free.

 

Oh Lord, You just don't know how it hurts to say goodbye

She did her best to stay, I can't say she did not try

I just hope the road she takes leads back to me

So along with all my dreams, I'm settin' fancy free.

 

Chorus:

Yes, I'm setting fancy free even though I love her still

She'd be no good to me If I held her against her will

And even though that girl's the best part of my world

Along with all my dreams I'm settin' fancy free.

 

Chorus:

Yes, I'm setting fancy free even though I love her still

She'd be no good to me If I held her against her will

And even though that girl's the best part of my world

Along with all my dreams I'm settin' fancy free...

 

My road led right back to my husband, and I hope yours also leads you where you ultimately want and need to be.

[DN]

Remember that this is not just about you but also about your husband. If you decide to separate to 'find' yourself, and then decide you want to get back together with him - he may have moved on. Be careful.

[talo]

Thank you for your post GC.

 

What appears to be love, changes as we go through life. It appears to change from a more exclusive love to a more inclusive one.

 

This change from exclusive to inclusive appears to be a reduction in (exclusive) love; a feeling that there is 'something more'. It may be seen as a 'loss' of love. We often interpret this 'loss' as a signal to go and 'refind'. Such a life is often seen as a 'path of choices' and if this is the case, then there are bound to be regrets.

 

But this does not have to be the case. As we grow in confidence, we do not need the same level of attachment that we once needed. We are more free. We are tempted to try other ways of living, other ways of being. These other ways do not necessarily need to be in other places, with other people.

 

Your growing confidence is the confidence of love. The confidence of love is confiding in love. It is loves way, loves trust, loving trust.

 

You may care to share this loving trust with your husband (in fact it cannot be hoarded). It does not result in solutions but is the solution. Within loving trust you and your husband may part, or not; but you will still both be in love, as nothing is neither left behind nor taken with us in inclusive love.

 

With and in love,

[Willow_Moon]

Remember that this is not just about you but also about your husband. If you decide to separate to 'find' yourself, and then decide you want to get back together with him - he may have moved on. Be careful.

 

This is a possibility for sure... but ideally, you wont need to separate to find yourself. At least in my case, my husband was my cheerleader... I couldn't have asked for a more supportive and loving friend. He celebrated my 'finding myself' as one celebrates a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. He got excited and excited for me much the same way I get excited and excited for my infant daughter as she crosses each new milestone.

[GoalieChiky]

Thank you everyone for you wonderful posts I feel better already!

[Bethany]

If you really want to find out how you feel then do this ...

secretly, dont tell anyone but yourself that you are leaving, then in the morning pack a bag and leave, book into a hotel, think about the fact that you could be alone from now on and how cr*ap it is and think about how much he loves you and I bet you will find yourself in your own bed by the end of the day.

[Themis]

I can really relate. I feel like I'm just now starting to "discover" myself and what I really want out of life...a year after I got married.

I want to travel and learn about the world, maybe try a different part of the world every year or so with my vacation time. When my time is up, I don't want to regret all the things I didn't do. I'd rather regret the adventures I did have, at least that is living!

 

Unfortunately, my husband isn't thrilled by my self discovery. I've since realized that he married me because he wanted to settle down, which is why I can't get him to travel. He doesn't even want to go on a honeymoon. My dreams worry him because he doesn't want me to leave him, so a lot of times he discourages me.

 

I don't want to leave him, I'd much rather explore the world over the years with him by my side! But if he really doesn't want to, then I have a choice ahead of me. Pursue my dreams without him, or make new, more "hubby compatible" dreams. For now, I just hope we can come to some sort of compromise.

[talo]

Themis, I find it hard to believe that a loving wife could not 'influence' her loving husband to come/be with her to/in a lovely place for a while.

 

I mean, isn't this what love is? The selling (and the buying), the living, of/in an 'idea of love', or 'loving/lovely location'. Doesn't it all just 'naturally flow along'.

 

Aren't the ideas that hubby is a 'settler' and you a 'traveller', just not compatible with the 'idea of love'? You are not some 'different ideas' are you? You are in love aren't you? And when in love you are the idea of love, the ideal love. There is no other love.

 

If there were any other love, there would be some other place of love and there isn't. There is only one love and we are living it, making it, buying it , selling it, washing it, sewing it, driving it, ..... it. It is not something separate.

 

Something separate has to be only an other idea, not love. A compromise, if you like.

 

So please do not compromise with hubby. Compromising with him is compromising him. Compromising his idea of himself. Compromising is compromising it. It is not anything to compromise.

 

It is love.

[Willow_Moon]

Honestly, talo, I found your post a bit confusing. Although, if I read it right - basically you are saying that if you love someone, you don't try to change them and that would include loving yourself? Just trying to clarify.

 

I can sort of relate to this issue... as I am the one who is agoraphobic, and my husband is a social bug... it is tough for us both. I have a hard time walking out my front door, much less actually going out... and he craves socialization, but he wants me with him. We did compromise, and so far it is working out well... We go out once every other week drinking and dancing and socializing. I do get nervous days before just thinking about it... but I push myself to take at least this step, because not only is it healthy for me, but my husband NEEDS the socialization like others need water. In return, he is very understanding if I am not up to last minute dinner invitations or whatever... I mean, with starting out every two weeks, sometimes I can go out more often to 'easier' places... like to dinner or a movie. If I were only pleasing him, we would be going out three or four times a week. If he were only pleasing me, we would never ever go out, except to very easy places.

 

We compromise for love, but we do not compromise love.

[talo]

Willow Moon, you say that you and your husband did compromise (or have compromised) on 'going out'. What was/is actually compromised?

 

If you actually cannot go out, compromise is an impossibility. If you actually can go out, you either go out or not. You cannot half go out or leave part of yourself behind when you go out. Thus compromising on going out is in either case is impossible.

 

Is it possible to compromise a belief/idea/point-of-view that you cannot go out? Well, no, a belief/idea/point-of-view is just what it is. And even the belief/idea/point-of-view that beliefs/ideas/points-of-view can be changed is just another belief/idea/point-of-view.

 

We compromise for love, but we do not compromise love.

When we "compromise for love" we may believe we are compromising, but there is actually no compromising going on.

 

The belief that we are compromising 'moves us further away from' love.

[Willow_Moon]

Willow Moon, you say that you and your husband did compromise (or have compromised) on 'going out'. What was/is actually compromised?

 

The actual compromise is that although my husband and I go out, we do not go out as often as he would ideally like. On the flip side, we do go out and thereforeee I do not get to stay holed up as much as I would prefer to. We both get some of what we want, but neither of us gets exactly what we want. We both give and take in order that overall WE are both happier. In the end we are both individually happier and thus our marriage is happier, because each of us feel understood and respected as well as feeling understanding and respectful - so in that sense we are both serving our own goal of making our-self happy by making each other happy.

 

If you actually cannot go out, compromise is an impossibility. If you actually can go out, you either go out or not. You cannot half go out or leave part of yourself behind when you go out. Thus compromising on going out is in either case is impossible.

 

Again we compromise on how often we go out... and while I grant you that I can't leave a leg or arm at home while I go out, I very much do have to leave part of myself behind in order to get through the night. I have to leave behind the part of me that is afraid and would rather not go. Even when I am out, I feel like I am there in body, but not in spirit - it feels like I am playing a role - my part... the social wife enjoying her night out.

 

Is it possible to compromise a belief/idea/point-of-view that you cannot go out? Well, no, a belief/idea/point-of-view is just what it is. And even the belief/idea/point-of-view that beliefs/ideas/points-of-view can be changed is just another belief/idea/point-of-view.

 

To your first question... it is not my belief that I cannot go out, I recognize full well that I am not a prisoner in reality, I am a prisoner only because of my own fears - which rationally I know have no merit. One's own belief system or opinions or feelings are not compromised - you may change your belief or opinion or feeling, but I agree that you either believe or you don't believe and thereforeee there is no room for compromise. This however highlights the few examples that require no interaction with another person or the consideration of the overall good.

 

Now, I, for example, may absolutely hate my mother-in-law, and my husband may hate his - but we both love our mother and we both want our daughter involved with our mother. So, we both compromise for the good of the family as a whole - he is pleasant to my mother and I am pleasant to his and because we both love our mother, neither of us put down the others mother - and most certainly we don't put down the grandmother's in front of our child. We both have urges to just tell that old b* to go to hell, but we hold our tongue. It doesn't mean either of us like our mother-in-laws anymore that we ever did. It simply means we would rather not hurt our loved one, than to act on our feelings towards someone we hate... thus we compromise continuously in big and little ways - one for Thanksgiving, one for Christmas; etc.

 

When we "compromise for love" we may believe we are compromising, but there is actually no compromising going on.

 

The belief that we are compromising 'moves us further away from' love.

 

Every relationship, in order to succeed knows compromise... It is impossible to always only think of yourself and do what only pleases yourself without thought or consideration to what it will do to the other person, and still have a successful relationship. Often there is a certain amount of 'because it makes you happy, it makes me happy,' but not always... sometimes you just do it whether it makes you happy or not, because it is that important to the other person - and that other person is that important to you. Italian is not my favorite... but my husband loves Italian food, so occasionally we go to an Italian restaurant, neither one of us likes Chucky Cheese, but we both go there to please our nephews and daughter. He picks the movie one night, and I pick the movie the next.

 

A compromise is not tantamount to doing something begrudgingly, nor is it subversive to yourself, your partner, or love. Compromise is not a negative thing - nor is it necessarily positive, but it is necessary at times. When we meet in the middle we share with another the expression of true love towards each other, because we both equally go the distance to keep each other, our family, and ourselves happy.

[talo]

Thank you for posting Willow,

 

We both give and take in order that overall WE are both happier. In the end we are both individually happier and thus our marriage is happier, because each of us feel understood and respected as well as feeling understanding and respectful - so in that sense we are both serving our own goal of making our-self happy by making each other happy.

You appear to make a distinction between individual happiness and overall happiness. You appear to believe that giving and taking is required to achieve overall happiness.

 

If you could truly make overall happiness by giving and taking, what would actually need to be given and actually need to be taken to achieve this?

 

As seen here, nothing is required to achieve this. If some thing is required for this, this is not true happiness/love.

 

Again we compromise on how often we go out... and while I grant you that I can't leave a leg or arm at home while I go out, I very much do have to leave part of myself behind in order to get through the night. I have to leave behind the part of me that is afraid and would rather not go. Even when I am out, I feel like I am there in body, but not in spirit - it feels like I am playing a role - my part... the social wife enjoying her night out.

When we 'leave our fear behind' we are only 'playing a role', the role being an assumed identity. And when we do not 'leave fear behind' we are only playing a different role, an apparently more real role, apparently made more real by fear.

 

To your first question... it is not my belief that I cannot go out, I recognize full well that I am not a prisoner in reality, I am a prisoner only because of my own fears - which rationally I know have no merit.

You say that your fears rationally have no merit. Does this mean that irrationally they have merit, or that you are not aware of the merit of your fears? Fears have merit, don't they? Fears show us what we are not conscious of, don't they?

 

One's own belief system or opinions or feelings are not compromised - you may change your belief or opinion or feeling, but I agree that you either believe or you don't believe and thereforeee there is no room for compromise. This however highlights the few examples that require no interaction with another person or the consideration of the overall good.

You appear to assume that 'one' is some 'thing' other than belief/opinion. Some thing that can have, hold, change. Things are only beliefs/opinions.

 

When you say "This however highlights the few examples that require no interaction with another person or the consideration of the overall good", are you saying that some thing good can only 'come about' via interaction or consideration? It is only an assumption that assumes some thing, let alone some thing good, some thing that can interact, some thing that can consider.

 

A compromise is not tantamount to doing something begrudgingly, nor is it subversive to yourself, your partner, or love. Compromise is not a negative thing - nor is it necessarily positive, but it is necessary at times. When we meet in the middle we share with another the expression of true love towards each other, because we both equally go the distance to keep each other, our family, and ourselves happy.

Compromising assumes some thing, some thing to compromise. If no thing is assumed, what is there to compromise. When 'we meet in the middle' we are not sharing any thing. When we truly meet, there is no-thing to meet or share, 'there is only' what is called true love/happiness.

[Serendipity1607307077]

I am starting to get the same thing too..

 

I proposed to my partner about a year ago now, and I thought it was what I wanted... I really love being with him and thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life in his company.

 

And I love him, I really do... but lately I feel a sort of "numbness" towards him... and I don't like it but I don't know what to do..