Afraid of Commitment?

[dazed-confused]

I had been seeing this great guy for 2 months, when he decides out of nowhere that he is not ready for a relationship. We spent almost everyday of those 2 months together. We always had a good time together no matter what we were doing and had great sex. Needless to say I am heart broken because it seemed as though we were on the same page. He can't explain to me why he doesn't want a relationship only the he doesn't want to be in one. I'm guessing he is afraid to need someone or depend on anyone. I have really strong feelings for him and I feel that he does for me too, he is just afraid to open up to me. He stated his life is better with me in it but yet he is "okay" with letting me walk out of his life? Will he realize in a short time that he made a mistake letting me go? I want to hold on to the idea that he will call me telling me he made a mistake and he wants to try again, but I don't want to keep torturing myself either. I want to believe in the fairy tale ending but does that kind of thing really happen to people?

 

Dazed & Confused

 

Life is not the amount of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

[NewPhillyGuy]

What I would do is give him some space and a good long dose of NC, and see what he does. Maybe the space will help him to realize he wants to be with you. He's either afraid or is just messing around. If he's just being a jerk, he won't come back and you will know. In that case, forget about this loser.

[coolchick]

Was there any talk at near the end of the relationship that made him feel as though it was getting more serious? Some lads enjoy the relationship as it is, the sex, the talking and just hanging out together. Some though, if they hear the girl talking more seriously about it they start to get a little afraid and dont want to feel smouthered by the word "commitment". Was he in any other long term relationships before you?

[dazed-confused]

I don't think he is playing games. He said he had not been this deep into a relationship for 7 years.

[coolchick]

No it wont be a game he's playing...just him wanting to maybe be on his own and enjoy the non commited side of things? I know that sometimes there are points in my life where i just dont want to be attached to someone. Not having to deal with trying to make them happy and concentrate a bit of myself. I know it sounds selfish but some people do just want their own space to do their own thing sometimes. You should give him this and then see if he comes back in his own time. What age are you both may i ask?

[patience]

dazed,

 

Who knows why he did this? He could have some serious intimacy issues, he could have freaked out, it could be anything really. I am going through something similar, and I've decided to stop contacting her. It's hard, but if they are going to come back they need to come back on their own.

 

Either this guy is willing to work through his fears or he isn't. His actions towards you over the next few weeks will reveal a lot.

 

You have to figure out if you will talk to him when he calls you, because he probably will after he has time to miss you. There is no guarantee that he won't run off in fear again though. Ask yourself, can you live with that?

 

My gf needed space, then she came back, then she needed space, then she came back. Recently she had a freak out on the phone and said things she won't be able to take back. If he is commitment phobic, there is nothing you can say or do. You are powerless to change him. Focus on you now. You deserve someone who doesn't run off when you get close with him.

[RayKay]

I don't think you should hold onto too much hope - it seems you may be assuming he feels exactly as you do about things - he may very well have a good time, and great sex, but that does not mean he is ready to commit, or that it's the same for him as it is for you - something can still be missing. There has to be enough there for him to want to take on the responsibilities of a commitment I think, and right now, there just is not.

 

Or maybe he was starting to feel too pressured, too soon - 2 months is still quite early on, and maybe he was just enjoying it as it came, and not worrying too much yet about later...

 

Don't make excuses for him - he is not afraid to open up with you or be involved - he chooses not to be involved. You can't "guess" for him what he feels, he feels what he does, or does not. You are guessing why he does not want more, hoping you can fix it but the fact is you have to accept what he said for what he said - he does not want a commitment with you right now, plain and simple.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, I just want to show you that you are holding onto a fairy tale in a sense - maybe he will regret it, maybe not - but you have to work with what you DO know right now and DO have, and that is the fact he is choosing to not be with you. Start healing and moving forward.

 

I just don't believe in commitment-phobes - I believe in people not wanting to commit to specific people however.

[patience]

I just don't believe in commitment-phobes - I believe in people not wanting to commit to specific people however.

 

There are people with intimacy issues who cannot tolerate emotional intimacy. There are messed up. Intimacy terrifies them, and they retreat. Sometimes they even have disorders, like avoidant personality disorder. People can hide this stuff pretty well, until intimacy starts to develop and their fears and anxities are triggered, and then they engage in dysfunctional and sabotaging behavior. They generally have a track record of having never been with anyone for very long.

 

I agree that sometimes people choose not to commit. They aren't phobic though.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I do agree that some people are afraid of committment no matter what. They may feel more or less comfortable with certain people. In the end though, some will just run no matter what.

[RayKay]

I just don't believe in commitment-phobes - I believe in people not wanting to commit to specific people however.

 

There are people with intimacy issues who cannot tolerate emotional intimacy. There are messed up. Intimacy terrifies them, and they retreat. Sometimes they even have disorders, like avoidant personality disorder. People can hide this stuff pretty well, until intimacy starts to develop and their fears and anxities are triggered, and then they engage in dysfunctional and sabotaging behavior. They generally have a track record of having never been with anyone for very long.

 

I agree that sometimes people choose not to commit. They aren't phobic though.

 

And that's fine, I just don't believe that is commitment-phobia - issues with intimacy yes, issues with relationship skills, yes, bad timing, yes, pain from past, yes. I have seen people with the biggest "emotional intimacy aversion and terror" changing their tune once they met the right person - to the point they were picking out china patterns within months and have had VERY successful long term relationships/marriages.

 

I just don't like the term commitment-phobia, too often it seems to be used by people to justify their partners behaviour, and they always hope to be the one that changes it. And I see people use the term themselves just to get out of relationships rather than accepting responsibility and help for their issues.

[patience]

I just don't like the term commitment-phobia, too often it seems to be used by people to justify their partners behaviour, and they always hope to be the one that changes it. And I see people use the term themselves just to get out of relationships.

 

I see what you're saying. The term is over-used and mis-used. There's no way to change anyone's behavior. I am starting to really dislike the words, "I need space" as well. It's so cliche. Why not say what they really mean? It's just all so emotionally immature.

[dazed-confused]

RayKay I don't think you are being harsh. But I believe he does truly care for me and he is scared. I just don't know if he has strength enough to even WANT to overcome it and have a relationship with me. Yes I agree 2 months is moving fast, but I wasn't the only one steering the boat before we hit the iceburg. Believe it or not this posting board is some kind of therapy, please keep your comments and responses coming. Thanks!

[patience]

His actions will speak volumes. Pay attention to what he does/doesn't do over the next little while. Don't fall for nice words, you need to see actions. He may need therapy to overcome his issues. If his running away is triggered by closeness, you'll never be consistently close with him.

 

Ask yourself what you really want, then ask yourself, "can he give that to me?" You probably already know the answer. Running away is not a good sign. It shows that he cannot handle depth. He is lacking emotional maturity and the capacity to communicate openly and honestly with you.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't cause him to run. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that somehow this was your fault. It's not. This is his issue.

 

If you are 'waiting' to hear from him, it will be hard. He may not call for awhile...and when he does, you may not want to risk re-involvement with this man.

 

Don't contact him at all. Post here, call friends, keep a journal, run, work out, eat tonnes of chocolate but whatever you do, don't call him. Just be still, see what happens when you are forcing anything to happen.