Trying to salvage a relationship

[FoolishHeart]

Well, here is the shortened version of a long 4 year relationship. My boyfriend (30) and I (27) have been together for 4 1/2 years. We have two children together 2 and 3 months. I also have a 7 year old that lives with us. We have broken up many times and he has cheated on me at least once, that I know of. The problem is now we are back together and have been for sometime. He has way more female friends than male friends. He also continues friendships with people that he had a romantic relationship in the past. All these women know about me. He has a pager that they will page him on. I have resorted to horrible measures to keep tabs on him. Such as looking through his pager when he is sleeping, his wallet, the redial on the phone, etc. He does everything for me and our kids, as far as the house and the bills go. We still are very sexually active with each other. I don't know if he is "just" friends with these other females or not. I have even had conversations with them and they denied any romantic relationship with him. There is one girl in particular who pages him all the time, I think they were even seeing each other while we were broken up last year, I know that is when he met her. I am tired of being so jealous.. some people tell me just to be happy that he is home most of the time and paying bills and being there for me and my kids. But my jealousy and sneaky ways get the best of me and I end of going through his stuff or playing on peoples phones. I hate being like that because when I get caught I am humiliated and he is mad. We have broken up and always get back together, he says he can't be with anyone else. But the other day he told me he was not marriage material. He says he loves me but I am unsure what to do.. Help.>>

[SwingFox]

Hi FoolishHeart,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us for seeking advice. I am sorry to hear that your relationship isn't working the way you planned it to be. I understand that you are very worried over your b/f having so many female friends and that they keep paging him constantly.

 

Although I believe that friendships and even female friendships should be allowed for him, he might be overdoing things a little bit. At least so much that it concerns you and that you have some trust issues against it.

 

My advice is that you start to communicate with him. I understand that it might upset him a little and that he might tell you that you should trust him. However, you do feel bad. I believe that he should take that into account. All in all a relationship is everything about two people being happy with each other. You don't seem to be happy with him at the moment. I suggest that you start to think first what exactly it is that bothers you and what exactly you want to have changed. Break all ties with his female friends? Cut down? To what extend? In other words what are your boundaries. Then talk to him and see how far he is able to meet you halfways or at all. If you feel satisfied with his answer, you might continue to stay in this relationship. If not, wouldn't it be a better idea to find someone else more fit? I believe that if he doesn't commit to your needs, he will not change, either.

 

I hope that this helped you and I wish you good luck.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[GregB]

Are you totally sure that you're not addicted to the drama of all this?

 

Take a moment and imagine that your boyfriend started behaving exactly the way you think you'd want him to. How long can you sustain that fantasy? Probably not very long until you start wondering if there's anything new on the pager.

 

Ask yourself why these girls want to maintain a friendship with this guy. Maybe he's the best listener in the entire world and you have totally missed it because you're being jealous and paranoid at all hours. If you can set all of that aside for five minutes and start trying to be his friend rather than his accuser maybe you'll find yourself becoming his friend too, maybe even his best friend. ON top of that, you'll continue to have your needs provided for and your children benefitting from two parents.

 

-GregB

[kdreger]

First question, why do those women page him? If I was with a woman and she had a pager where guys were paging her all the time. Forget that! I'd tell her to lose the pager while I'm around or I'm gone. That's incredibly disrespectful to have women paging him while he's with his woman. Geez.