Need to know how to get over it

[zod]

I made a the biggest mistake of my life. I had an affair and got pregnant. Now after One year since the affair, I'm still finding it very difficult to come to terms with my decisions. My decisions were to stay with my husband (as we already have children together and my husband forgave me for the affair and has accepted my child). My biggest problem is that my ex lover has nothing to do with me or the child and I feel sad about this as I had hoped that he would want to have contact with his child. I accept that I have been very fortunate, but I am struggling to bring up my baby as the child reminds me of his father and this doesn't help. I did think of sending the child to his father, but his birth dad said that he wasn't in a position to bring him up.

 

I know I need to come to terms about this. But I just don't know how to

[suprema99]

I give your husband credit for forgiving you and excepting this kid. You should technically be his ex-wife right now. But, I wouldn't really count on this other guy for any support . goodluck

[DN]

What would your husband think of your former lover having a constant presense in his life?

 

Are you sure you want the ex-lover to be there for his son or is it really so that you can continue to see him?

[Hope75]

It doesn't sound like the ex has an interest in being in the baby's life.

 

You should feel thankful that your husband not only forgave you but accepted this baby as well.

 

Your husband doesn't need to be a biological parent to be a good father to this baby, and your little son is lucky to have your husband as a role model.

 

Are you still lingering over the affair?

[anonymous_presence]

It's a good thing that you recognize your affair as a mistake and are assuming responsibility for it. It's natural to feel that this other guy's lack of willingness to participate in the life of your child is a form a rejection, and this is obviously difficult to deal with. But consider the ramifications of having him involved, how it would affect your husband, your child, etc. It would just complicate things. However, there's no need to justify these feelings or exculpate his absense - move on with your life and accept your decisions, and bear the responsibility for the consequences of them.

 

For the moment you should focus on your child and give him the life that the rest of your children received, and don't let the fact that his/her biological father is out of the picture harm his/her upbringing.

[zod]

Thankyou all for your encouraging words. DN and Hope 75: yes I think if I am hones that I am still lingering over the affair. I am coming to terms with the situation more now than previously, although I do feel that if I feel this way about someone else, who isn't my husband, then I shouldn't be in this relationship. What do you think?

[Hope75]

How do you feel about your husband? I saw you wrote that he loves YOU very much, but what about visa versa?

 

What are some terms that come to mind when you consider your feelings for him?

[zod]

Hi Hope75

 

Some terms that come to mind are, that he is loyal, a great father, he does Love ME very much!, faithful, secure, wonderful friend.

 

Unfortunately, I don't desire him in the same way I used to and I think there is a golf between me and him. I know I have fallen out of love with my husband, but how can I fall in love with him again? I've tried and its really difficult. I know I am fortunate to still have a married and for my husband to still love me and accept my child. I MUST BE THE LUCKIEST WOMAM IN THE WORLD. But I'm having a difficult time moving forward because I've been too scared to face my feelings and sometimes I think I should have left him.

[Hope75]

Have you considered marital counseling?

 

If not, perhaps that would be a good idea.

 

If all else fails, I pity your husband to have a wife who does not love him and who would cheat on him like that, and maybe you should consider turning him loose so that he can find someone who loves and respects him enough not to step outside the relationship.

[DN]

How would you feel if he suddenly left you and found someone else? Imagine that happening in detail and analyse your emotional reaction.

[zod]

Thank you for your opinions. I feel that I should be brave and turn him loose, at least so that he can be happy and find someone to share that happiness with.

 

I'm just afraid of letting go because of our children.

[DN]

He may not think it brave or want to be turned loose - he may have more respect for his marriage vows.

[zod]

I don't know. Is it time to let go and see what it is like without him, and just go it alone. I think I could do it!

[DN]

And your marriage vows?

[Hope75]

Have you considered counseling? (with your husband?)

[zod]

Yes we started counselling recently. I want to be honest about how I feel in counselling but find it difficult. I just don't want to let anyone down and sometimes when I'm in counselling I feel the things I'm going to say may upset the people around me. My parents say I'm being selfish for thinking about separating. That I should say married and make it work, even if it isn't working. My husband does not help me around the house and we have a big family and I feel most of the household chores get left to me to sort out. He doesn't mind if its untidy but I can't function well when it is. We've been married for 11 years and it has change a little, but not as much as I need it to be. It feels as though he doesn't think its important, so I should just get over it.

 

I need him to care about me. I don't want a man to pick up the pieces once the vase is broken. I need a man who can appreciate me, not just sexually, but verbally and by coming along side and showing empathy. Seeing things from my own point of view. I know this sounds selfish, but I've asked him on a lot of occasions about what I could do to be a better wife and he says he loves me the way I am. Unfortunately, I don't love him the way he is. I can't help that, its the way I feel.

[Hope75]

You need to be honest is counseling. If you aren't up front with your feelings, and in front of your husband, you aren't going to get to the bottom of what's wrong or be able to fix it. You aren't doing yourself, your husband or your family any favors by glossing over the truth or keeping quiet.

 

Maybe if your husband knew how bad things were for you he would make more of an effort to meet you halfway.

 

Be honest and give this a chance. You owe it to your marriage vows.

[suprema99]

After reading. it all comes down to were you honestly in love with your husband 11 years ago? Your not happy now obviously, and actually lived out your dislike by having a kid with another guy. I think that's selfish. DN was talikng about vows. Your vows mean nothing. If I was your husband I wish you would tell me what's wrong and get counseling before you go off and have a kid with another man. And create real life problems that maybe shouldn't of happened. I think the damage is done and hopefully with counseling you can resolve things. goodluck

[zod]

I loved my husband when we married 11 years ago. I was quite young and inexperienced and I think I am quite naive, and that's why I fell into the net of having an affair and having a baby for someone else, thinking that pleasing people was the answer to my true happiness.

 

Since coming here to this forum I have been able to be critical and open about my feelings. Yesterday I spoke to my husband and told him exactly how I feel. He stills loves me and thinks that we can work things out. I don't want to throw the 'baby out with the bathwater'. I've stuck at it for this long - I will stick with it, because he is my best friend. I think "we" as a couple have got completely lost and don't have much of an identity. This is going to a long time for us to find happiness but I want to try.