I don't know what to do anymore.

[HoldMeTightly]

Death is as beautiful as you make it.

 

I'm falling. Incredibly far; extremely hard. Maybe that's what I want. To hit the ground so hard that it knocks the life out of me—literally. I just don't know anymore. I thought I was out of this hole months ago, but I guess I always knew that I wouldn't be for a while. I'm out of every kind of therapy because my family thinks its okay, and they don't even wonder why I wear long sleeves when it's hot or a sweatband that I wear so often that I have a tan line from it and its unusual to see me without it. I'm not okay, I'm not fine but I don't want to hurt her anymore. Because when I hurt her, she hurts me. She thinks its all a lie. A cry for attention. My cutting, my depression, my sexuality. I didn't know that a cry for attention could be so well hidden, such a good kept secret. I really do need help, but I can not pay for therapy on my own. I think about death again. A lot. Its more and more inviting than it ever has been. I make a small mistake I think 'die, you're not worth it'. When I say something wrong, it sticks with me for a long time.

I'm overly possessive of people. I constantly think everyone's going to leave me, or is mad at me. When someone says call at five. I call at five, not a minute after. I will wait around for hours for someone to show up when they ditch me. I guess I could be called naïve in that sense, I just don't want it to be true. My friend, right now, hasn't talked to me or called me, so I IM her every day. I try not to, but I have to. I've called her, her roommate tells me she's always out. I lie awake in bed at night thinking about things I've said, things I've done that aren't perfect.

I'm a failure. I suck at everything that I do.

I'm digging myself into a huge hole at school because I have to make sure my work is perfect, and if it's not, I don't turn it in. I'm weeks behind in my work, and since I'm taking AP classes, the workload gets bigger and bigger and my hole gets deeper. I'm up until 3 am sometimes working, and I just can't focus, I get nothing done.

I don't know what to do. I know something's wrong with me and my friends, I think, are sick of my drama. So I don't tell them. I tell no one. I barely even write poetry anymore (my outlet) because nothing I write is good enough.

Why can't I be the person I want to be?

I can't even get a boyfriend or girlfriend. I think even if I did I would be double overly posessive.

I've started smoking to relieve stress, and I take pills to calm me down and bring me out of my mind. I cant take the constant thoughts of seeing myself dead on the bathroom floor anymore.

I cut. A lot. Not as much as I used to but I'm afraid I might start it more now that its getting colder and I can get away with it.

God, there's so much more to say, but I just can't think.

I'm sorry this was written so poorly, I don't even know if any of this made sense.

[jordan_2]

Dear HoldMETightly,

 

you have to know that you are loved in this world, and at times it is hard to know by who, but the important thing to know is that you are no matter what. I think that for one, you need to get away from school for awhile and find time to fully find your true self...

I honestly believe that by doing so, you can confront the inner demons that may be hurting you emotionally. Please continue your outlet with poetry, you are a beautiful writer and maybe if you found others that share your same passion, you can talk to others more familiar with your situation and be able to support you better....

 

but whatever you do, please, don't give up... life is so valuable and you will realize this eventually.

[HoldMeTightly]

I wish I could get away from school, however, I am a junior in high school and that is impossible. Thanks for the imput though.

[jordan_2]

well Holdmetightly,

 

I think that you should at least try to find a week-month of time where you can just be with yourself. Somewhere where the the world that seems to have turn its back on you, does not exist. Even if you imagine this place, that can be of great help. Make it a utopia for your mind. If you can find a place just to get away for yourself, you can really start to reflect on your problems and tackle them one by one. but it can not be done, or started for that matter, until you are in a somewhat, less stressed, more relaxed frame of mind.

[HoldMeTightly]

I wish it was just that easy, however, when I imagine things differently, I think of the way things should be and why their not that way-- thus bringing out my imperfections even more, I mean they show enough already (like a huge zit on my face i swear you can tell im a failure just by looking at me). Thanks so much for the advice and maybe I'll find a way to make it work

[jordan_2]

if a zit is a problem for you not being able to live a normal day to day life, then I wish I was in your shoes. These tiny imperfections are what make us unique and it is how we fix them that make us strong. I think you need to just take all those little imperfections that you keep pointing out to yourself (whether it be physical, emotional, psychological) and fix them one by one. It will help, it will take time, but it will help...pleasee at least try it.

[HoldMeTightly]

the "zit" was like. a metaphor.

[jordan_2]

oops, sorry

 

I kinda took things a little too literally...

but I still stick with my reply....get out there and explore true self and you will learn soo much, and you will come to love yourself, I assure you

[HoldMeTightly]

ill try. thanks so much. I've been cutting/depressed since I was twelve. I'm 16 now. I just wanna be happy.

[anonymous_presence]

Whoa! You need to take a second to breathe! You're in the dilemma that most perfectionists find themselves in, with regard to how you view yourself and how you handle work, but there are techniques out there to help you cope that don't involve lighters or razors. Like jordan_2 said, you need time to explore yourself and understand your interests in life, and once you do this and give yourself a little space, you can begin to priotize what exactly is important in your life, and then carry out your goals.

 

Don't ever think of yourself as a failure! It just bogs you down, makes you depressed, and then you get pissed off at stupid things like not being able to tie your shoes right because you're too frustrated, and these little defeats just accumulate and devastate you further. You can pretty up the picture and think of yourself as ambitious, because from the looks of it (taking AP courses, for one), you seem to have a pretty clear notion of what you want to achieve. This is a great thing! But don't load yourself with too much - if you have to, drop an AP course (if possible), so you can focus more on your other courses, and so that you're not loaded with more homework than can be handled. And I have to advise you from personal experience that staying up late doesn't do the trick - it just makes you more tired the next day and less able to concentrate so you take more time to do things that you would ordinarily do much quicker (again, adding to a sense of frustration). So if you must, put off work till the morning and focus on SLEEPING. A lack of sleep can completely disalienate you, and though it sounds so insignificant, it truly does impact the way you feel the next day. Exhaustion just makes you less able and less "functional," which may be contributing to your sense of failure. And when you're too tired, you can't process emotions as well and you tend to overexaggerate things; you don't see things as clearly, and suspicions arise when people don't call you back as promised.

 

Apart from sleeping, try and take things with less seriousness. I know it's difficult, almost impossible, because it's in your nature, but try and let it go when someone doesn't call you back. More often than not, it has something to do with the person (they're busy; they're not feeling sociable; etc.) than with their relationship with you, so don't overanalyze. Try not to measure yourself in the way other people view you, mostly because you really don't know how other people feel about you, and because a healthy self esteem is one that can function independently of other people's opinions. Don't think that because you can't get a partner there's no one interested in you - you're not alone in that. Many people are single not because they are unworthy of companionship, but just because they haven't found the right person or they're in an unfortunate situation (e.g. small school). Focus on yourself. Realize that the effort is what you should measure yourself by - trying is everything, and attempting to succeed is an accomplishment within itself.

 

I hope that in some small way this helps you out. Just take a second to breathe when things seem impossible, and you'll see they'll work themselves out if you give it the right effort.

[HoldMeTightly]

thank you so much anonymous_presense. that was very informative.

just to let you all know though, i can not drop my AP class because, well, my mom is psycho and i have to take it.

starting now... (its 10:45 am here) if I work non stop i won't get done with everything thats DUE tomorrow until approximately 3 or 4 am. So i'll be busy for quite some time.

[jevonj77]

I have a couple of things for you...

 

One...life is going to be tough no matter what...

 

The other thing is...many times when one beggins to think about suicide, it is because they can not see past the tunnel that they are currently in...you said that you were out of this phase for some time right? Well...now you are back in...your job is to hang on until you see the light again. I garuntee you that you will not be in highschool forever...then the world will once agian change drastically...

 

The other thing is that you need to find a sport or something that you can start to do besides school, an extra activity, that you can get good at. This will build confidence in yourself. The better you are at it...the better you will begin to feel...it will just happen...trust me.

 

Also...you got to know that you are a tough individual...don't think it...just know it. Look death in the eye and tell it that it will not rob you of your life. When you get out on your own...you will have much more control over the way your life actually is.

 

The other thing...is that at this stage of your life...age that is...it is normal for the body to start emitting more oils and such...and you will find that your face will have many zits or whatever...no big deal...it's common and won't be there at all in a few years or maybe sooner.

 

I went through something like that. First my face was a smooth as a babies face and then...there it went. My current girl friend showed me a photo of her when she was around her late teens...she had zits on her face...well they weren't out of control...but compared to now( she has none at all...like me) you could really tell.

 

Lastly, it is not the end of the world if you feel this way...even though you might be thinking that. Start doing other things to get your mind away from the negative thought pattern that you have developed and is symultaiously bringing you down...

 

You are a champion...you already defeated this once...so it has shown it's ugly head again...and so you will defeat it again.

 

Also...you said that you do not want to hurt her anymore...so you are thinking...well if I just kill myself...I won't hurt her anymore. Well there is just a slight something wrong with that logic. For one, if she finds that you are dead...that will definetly hurt her a lot...not a little bit. The second thing is that you may be thinking, at least it will only be for that time...but as I am pretty sure that you already know, she will be hurting for many years after the fact...maybe much more years than it would have taken for you to get out of highschool...and who knows if she would ever get over it.

[HoldMeTightly]

jevonj77 thanks.

I play softball for the school and on a select team, however, that just takes more times from my studies.

 

Okay. I don't care about my face's zits. haha I was using an analogy. I actually have a decent complexion with very little signs of pimples.

 

PS. i'm not gonna kill myself anytime in the next couple of weeks, however, if my mom found me dead, she would only be upset because that is what she's supposed to do. she would actually be a lot better off without me. and she knows it. she's told me so. im just haning around to piss her off. ill be 18 in approximately 17 months. ill be outa here by then

[jevonj77]

Look...I just want you to know that you are making a big mistake...

 

I can relate because I know what it is to be like living in a house where you can't stand the pressure that your parents are putting on you and such...

 

If you have the guts to do something this drastic...than wait it out...once you are 18 you have the freedom by law to move out and move on...

 

Why let her decide to end your life...what you don't see is that because you don't like how she is treating you...you are letting this kill you...it is not like you have a good life and are happy and you said...well I did every thing that I wanted to do...and so I will just end it...no...you are thinking of doing this not because it is what you would like, but because it is what her attitude is forcing you to do.

 

I do not live with my parents anymore...they have no control over me...do you get it...in a little while...you will be able to do whatever you please...providing that it is legal of course...so just hang on until then...

 

You won't regret it...

[jordan_2]

hold me tight,

 

check your inbox first, and I'm happy to hear that you are not considering ending your life because of this.

 

It shows at least that you do have (even if it is the slightest bit) positive outlook on life. I think from there you should have an easier time finding yourself and your place in life. but you need to remmber this at all times: YOU HAVE A PLACE IN LIFE, WHETHER YOU KNOW IT OR NOT!!

[HoldMeTightly]

okay. im not killing myself when im 18. im leaving this house. starting a new life. thanks for all your concerns and such. it really makes me feel like someone cares.

 

ps. my mom found a bloody paper towel in my garbage can (yes, she sifts through my trash) meaning i might be getting help. it also meant a little beating. whatever. maybe therapy is what i need right now. i know things aren't going well.

[anonymous_presence]

You're right: that's a good thing! Acceptance, as they say, is the first step to conquering your problems, so I'd say you're on the right path! Therapy might be what you need, and it's excellent that you're open to the idea of it. Just don't start thinking that there's something wrong with you, like you're flawed in any way, and don't start indulging in the masochistic art of self deprecation. Realizing that there's a problem that you need outside help to cope with is enough; keep up that optimistic attitude!

 

I really don't know your situation, but perhaps you should think this "starting a new life" thing out. I don't know what the entails, exactly, but don't underestimate the value of your education. Yeah, the system of life is screwed up at times, but sometimes you have to play by the rules to get what you want, and that means continuing your education and prospering that way (or is that what you meant by leaving this house?). I hope you don't wind up doing something that's beneath you, because you really deserve something great!

[jevonj77]

Well I just want to say that I am proud of you!!

 

Know one thing though life is though and is for the strong...your living is an example of strength...you must live it...there will be ups and downs but you keep pushing through...take a breather and start again...when you are out of this house, you will have so many options...like I now do.

 

Does that mean that everything is just rosey? No, but I am much happier because I know that these are my choices and such. Look you are taking AP classes...that means that you are at least a fairly smart person...I was only in honors while in highschool and didn't dare taking one of those classes...just seemed too hard...Look, you survived this so it is clear that you have got what it takes to go on...

 

The other thing is, that all the positive that you have gotten from this, even though your mom seems to be doing it for herself, will stay with you...it is you that is going to be using this knowledge when you are on your own and so it will benefit you tottally...

 

Be manly about this...which only means take courage and role with the punches...

 

Right now you are at war...and war is never fun...but drive on...until you see the light...Just think of it as you are a prisoner and you are counting the days until you get parole...every day closer to that date is a victory...until then...you stall as much as possible.

 

Peace...and I am proud of your courage again.

[jordan_2]

wow haven't been in the forum in awhile...

 

this is my first post since last year and all I want to say is, I hope that you're doing well HoldMeTightly. It's a new year and you can see it like that. Don't let past (pointless) things bother you anymore, and like you said yourself, once you're 18, you can move out and live a happy fullfilling life!....please PM me and let me know how you've been!

[ShySoul]

Jordan - Welcome back. You've been missed.

 

Hold me tightly - If you read this, I too hope that things are going well for you. All the pain you have felt in the past, you are strong and can get through it. Better days are coming for you. If you ever need anything, I'm here for you.