Just separated or gone forever?

[btobia]

 

For almost 3 and a half years I have been going out with Wendy. The way we met was different in my book. We met on the internet, emailed each other for a few days, than talked for hours on the phone for a week. Normally I hate talking on the phone, but Wendy made it easy. We talked about everything. We both told each other many personal things that would have taken months or even years to learn. When we finally met. I must say that I didn't feel a big physical attraction but knowing as much as I did about Wendy seemed to balance things out. Over the years this attraction has grown.

 

I am 42, divorced with 5 older children. The youngest will be 13 in a few months. Wendy is 36 with 3 children, 2 girls 6 & 9 and a boy who is 14. She divorced the father of her son and her two daughters have also different fathers. None of them are in their lives. The feelings I have for Wendy are much stronger than the feeling I had for my wife. When I married her, she was pregnant.

 

The only thing that bothers me about Wendy is she likes to go out to the bars and dance. I am trying to learn how to dance better because it is actually fun, I just don't do it well. In my mind two people in a relationship should not be doing things, like the bar scene, dancing with the opposite sex, when your partner is not there. I know Wendy has been on her own pretty much from her teen years. Her parents lived in a bottle and Wendy was allowed to do or not do what ever she wanted to do. No supervision. This is like the only thing about Wendy that bothers me. I have become attached to her children and I love her with all my heart. The thing that I know I do that is wrong is that I can be smothering. Just a few days ago Wendy said she feels trapped and she needed some space. Me being the smothering type find this really hard to do. But I am trying. I have not seen her or talked to her for days and it is totally killing me. My friends and even one of hers' tell me that I need to do what she asks. I really love Wendy and believe that we could be very happy together. I just don't know what to do.

 

 

I would do anything for this woman. I know I have some things to fix in myself. When I look in the mirror I don't really like the person who looks back. I am doing thing to help this problem. I know that it will help me and Wendy, I just hope it's not to late. I want to have a life with her. I want to grow old with her. I want to be a family.

 

I asked Wendy if she felt loved as a child. Her answer was "probably not." The men who fathered her children are skids. We both agree. I don't think Wendy ever felt really loved and I don't think she knows how to be loved or to love herself. She has admitted that she has problems showing love. Even to her own children.

 

More than anything I want a life with Wendy. What should I do? Does anyone have something to say or ask?

 

Bill

[FenderRocker17]

hmmm..i dont kno what to say but it seems like u really truly want some help ya? heh, dang..maybe u can try to get a certain alone with ehr and ask her if everything is alright..ask her whats wrong, try to confort her. sorry man i just woke up and ive been answeing alot of posts this morning , not to mention that was a long story and didnt understand it much, well sorta. hope this helps a bit, i wish the best of luck for you both. btw u got some good writing skills o_O yeah... Mr.InsparationalWriter...er..yeah..

 

-FffFFfEnder

[kdreger]

"I know I have some things to fix in myself. When I look in the mirror I don't really like the person who looks back. I am doing thing to help this problem. I know that it will help me and Wendy"

 

Based on that comment I would say that you have co-dependency issues. In order to properly love someone, you have to love yourself first. You have to feel that your life has purpose without this person being a part of it. As well, your fixing yourself for the wrong reasons - you have to want to do it for you not her.

 

That said, it's hard to do. I can't even follow the above advice. Don't do what I did - I smothered and drove her away. Basically, you have to be able to live without her to properly live with her. When women want space it means that they aren't happy. The only thing you can do is give her that space and hope that after being alone she likes being with you more. It's a raw deal. I know as that's what happened to me (and she's moved on). You have to come to terms with the fact that you have no control over what happens now. All you can do is wait. I feel your pain and wish you happines.

[btobia]

kdreger,

 

Thanks for your reply. I agree with you. I have a daughter who is 17 and I feel that she could be in a co-dependant relationship. But I didn't realize this about my own relationship.

 

The things I want to fix in myself are things that I have needed to do for a while. I do want to do these things for me. I know that if I were happy than Wendy or someone else would have a better chance of being happy with me.

 

My heart is breaking and I will do whatever is necessary to fix it.

[cookies]

that was a very detailed description of what ur goin thru Bill. I thank God for creating men like u, because it gives women that ounce of hope of obtaining a genuinely loving man someday. You have got to learn to love yourself b4 you are capable of nourishing your relationship with love and happiness. We all have something that we are not happy about ourselves, weather its the way we look, or the person deep within our reflections in the mirror. But we must take control in order to make a change that will reflect outwardly...

 

Ive learned the word "can't" should not and will not be a part of my thought process if I am trying to make a positive change about myself, or accomplish a task that seems impossible. Endurance is a key factor in helping you gain much needed strength in anything u set out to do. Start nourishing your OWN mind with positive reassurances, and committing yourself to a new approach in the way you handle or view daily circumstances...it may be difficult and seem unreachable, but hang in ther,..because everything is possible. There is an answer to everything that is questionable in our lives...but we have to get out there and find it...it doesnt come to us.

 

Wendy.

 

well, she has seemed to have an unloving past, and her way of going about her daily life, is a learned pattern of behaviour, becuse she doesnt know any differently...and she is not to blame. These mishaps happen to millions of ppl, but its the love and guidance of their partners that can help them go about life differently, responsibly and with grattitude. Give her the space she needs, as you work on your inner self. As you become more intune with and love the man you see in your mirrors reflection, you can begin to reach out to her in a manner that she will take notice of, which may draw u 2 closer and in unison with God.

 

Sometimes when we feel voids in our lives, we tend to rely on encouragement from humankind, when God is really the answer. Once we let him into our lives, is when we begin to view life as it really is, ...beautiful and meaningful and understand who we really are, versus what others perceive us to be...

 

thank you for the private message. You are definitely a man with a loving heart. and i hope things work out in your favour..

 

peace,

 

cookies