I'm not sure what this means

[justplainconfused]

My boyfriend and I have been together for quite a long time and have endured many hardtimes that most relationships would not have lasted through. On occasion he has told me that he wasnt sure if it was working between us (this usually only occurs after he has worked 2-3 doubles in a row and is over tired) I always reassure him that everything is ok and it always turns out ok. On Monday he sent me the most wonderful e-mail saying how much he loves me and how we are meant for each other and he cant imagine life with out me, etc, etc... He asked me if I still want to marry him (and asks all the time). We've talked about having a baby together and agreed that I would stop using birth control so we can (and I stopped.). Today was different. I didn't see him or talk to him yesterday and was very upset about it. I sent him an e-mail letting him know my disappointment. Today he says he's not coming to see me and that he needs "space" and he doesn't think it's working (again). He said that maybe we can try again "in the future." He said he loves me, and I love him. So what do I do. I don't have a choice but to give him space. What am I missing? I want to give him what he wants, but I'm affraid of losing him. So I just sit back and wait for him to come back like he has in the past? My only concern is that he has never asked for a seperation before.

What do I do?

[RooferGirl23]

It sounds like he need to make up his mind. Does he think that you will always be there waiting? You cant waste your life, either. I think the 2 of u schould talk things really thru, and have him give you some answers. We dont live forever.

[shes2smart]

Well, what you do is going to depend on what YOU want. So, what DO you want? Do you want to get married and have a family? Do you want to keep letting him dictate the pace and timing of the relationship? Do you want to be free to find someone who would like the same things as you do and will be definite about going after them?

 

What do you want?

 

I don't know what you mean by "quite a long time"....for some people that means months, for others it means years, for others it means decades. Is it realistically long enough for him to figure out if he wants to follow through with marriage?

 

I don't have an answer for that, but I will offer up a couple examples from my life:

 

One ex and I talked about marriage on and off...we were together for 7 years and just never got around to follow through...I think it was because, deep down, neither of us really wanted to get married at that point (we were both in our early/mid-20's) but thought it was expected that we should at least be talking about it because we'd been together so long.

 

Another ex brought it up only when he thought I was getting ready to leave him....he knew that was what I wanted but didn't have enough backbone to flat out tell me he didn't want that.

 

The man I ended up marrying knew within 5 minutes of our first date he HAD TO be with me, he bought a ring 3 days later, and proposed one week after our first date. We got married less than a year later. That was a little over 3 years ago and it's the best thing either of us has ever done in the realm of relationships.

[Iceman26]

You need to decide whether or not you want stability or instability in your future mate, because from the way you describe this guy, he is fragile and unstable.

[Strandysmommy]

You say he works doubles? What does he do- nurse, doctor, emt? Sometimes those jobs can be extremely stressful, and following a double or a very hard day it can make someone just wonder what the heck they're doing. He might be concerned that he cannot provide for you while he's working insane shifts. Of course this doesn't excuse his little mind game, beating around the bush etc...he doesn't know what he wants is the issue. It's not fair because you're being strung along.

 

For goodness sake, DO NOT give up the birth control! What would you do if you got pregnant and in your 7th month or right after you have the baby, he decides "I don't think it's working out!" How long have you been together? How old is he? It may be a bit of a dark outlook but if you've been with someone for 3 or more so years and some sort of commitment hasn't been made, either engagement or marriage...and they or you aren't like, in med school or you're not 18 or 19 or whatever- then ya need to have a little talk.