Cliche's versus Reality

[petalbud]

everyone always tells you "everything improves with age".. "things always get better",. "what will be will be",.... Ive heard those over and over and over again, i even believed them at one point.

 

Thing is,. im in and out of a depression at the moment,. trying desperately to get better. Im seeing a councellor for this.

 

But all i get from her is cliches like i listed above. We once talked about my childhood sexual abuse which left me distressed for days after because I've never spoken about my childhood abuse,.she offered me tissues to dry my tears,. and kept telling me "everything would be okay".

it really annoys me,because i dont see "everythign" just "being okay". I dont know if the councelling is effective,. because im still as low as ever,. and i still cant deal with my past. I avoid it,. by burying it under.

 

what are councellors really meant to do other than repeat cliches to you,??.. this is the first councellor ive ever been to.

 

I admit,.My self esteem is very very low and im very depressed,. but i do WANT to get better. Ive been depressed for 3 years now,. and im at my lowest point now. I dont know HOW to deal with this depression,. and how to go about telling my councellor that i dont feel like the councelling is helping me in any way,..

 

thanks for your replies,.

[Jetta]

I wish I had a wonderful answer for you but I relate a lot to what you are saying. Perhaps you just haven't found the right counselor for you. I know it takes a while for them to figure out the person, and it could just be you haven't worked with him/her long enough. Usually around session 10 is when they start to give workable feedback (I've since learned).

 

I read a lot of self-help books, I really try to use positive affirmations and the like to help me through very trying situations. There are good times in life just as there are bad times. Attitude has a lot to do with coping though the challenges to reach the better times. One thing that helps me is setting attainable goals. Perhaps you should focus on activities you could involve yourself in, and that would bring some joy to your life.

 

Bad things happen. What I've learned is that we won't forget but we can make sure they don't control us or our life. Release the pain, forgive the person (it's for your benefit not theirs), and focus on what you can do to make things better.

 

You'll be hurt more than once in life, some degrees worse than others, but hanging onto the hurt only attracts more. What you focus on you create.

[czebra]

See another counselor. That's not how it should be at all! Sadly, I've seen more than my fair share of counselors, and there is a big difference between good ones and bad ones. You might also want to talk about meds.

[smallworld]

Petalbud, therapy takes time. But as you may have noticed, not all therapists are equally skilled. This one is trying to offer you empathy in response to your distress, but in contrast to what you've gone through and the extremely ambivalent feelings it endgenders, her attempts at empathy and comfort end up sounding trite and "cliche." When one is extremely distressed, cliches feel like the empathizer is slapping a band-aid over a gaping wound.

 

The therapist's office is supposed to be a place where you can practice opening up and being honest with yourself and others. Help her help you. Take a risk and explain how the cliches make you feel unheard or emotionally dismissed. See what happens. Chances are the therapist has heard similar sentiments before and will want to work with you to find a better way to express those same sentiments. If the therapist herself becomes defensive or continues to make you feel in anyway that your concerns are trivial, then find a new therapist.

 

Time on the couch is money. Your money. If you feel you're not being helped, it's your absolute right and job to speak up.

 

As for depression, you've had those feelings for quite some time, so it takes time to learn healthier ways of thinking and new problem solving techniques. Be kind to yourself and give it sometime. The first step is doing what's good for your body. Get the 8 hours sleep. For a natural anti-depressant effect, eat your bananas (tryptophan) and get in at least 20 minutes of sunshine and exercise (a walk will do) a day. Eat your fruits and veggies. Drink your water. Avoid the caffeine and junk food. And finally give yourself something fun to look forward to every day. Take good care of your body, and it will take good care of your mind. In time you should find the depression naturally lifting.

[Nerve_Net]

I agree that therapy takes time, and over time it can help. I've personally never had it. I just don't believe in it, despite troubles I've had.

 

And yes, petalbud I do agree that there are too many cliches. The same advice, phrases you've pointed out, they all are cliches. I understand, sometimes it feels like it's the same old same old advice and it's too contrived. But there isn't any magical answer to solve things instantly, and it HAS to be a cliched answer. Humans don't have the answer so they make up cliches that have stuck over time. That stands for counsellors.

 

But you have to give your therapy just a little more time. And there are other ways. Therapy isn't just sitting on a chair reciting your life story off by heart.

 

Good luck petalbud, and I agree with you about the cliches. I'm tired of them myself.. Tell your counsellor it's not working. I doubt she would be offended in any way. In fact, I reckon she'll give you alternatives, or do anything to make it better. I won't use a cliche, but good luck. If you hang in there, you can do it, in some way. Good luck.

[petalbud]

Thanks everyone for your replies. just so you know,. Ive been with this councellor for 6months now,. and im actially lower and moer depressed than before i started seeing her. Thats why im actually questioning her effectiveness.

 

Our sessions are not in a any way goal orientated,. so I have no way of measuring my progress or "achievement". Its just the same rountine- i talk about my week and how things made me feel. basically just reciting off by heart what ive written in my journal anyway.

 

Im not looking for a "quick" answer,. i do realise that emotional wounds need time to heal. i just want to know that im progressing and im getting better. But I just feel like ive been going round in circles,

 

i have tried affirmations- but i feel silly saying them because a part of me keeps telling me that the things im confessing arent true.

 

i would love any imput from you guys just telling me how you deal or have dealt with your depression.

 

Im an artist,. art is something im extremely passionate about. i have channeled all my energy into doing more artwork lately,..- just to get my mind off things and bost my mood,.

but when im not doing any artwork,.im really upset,.im in tears half the time,.because everything gets to me,. everything upsets me.

i am not expecting the councellor to be the answer to my problems, Im expecting the councellor to guide me through finding out my own answers and helping me heal my own wounds. i expect the councellor to be a guide on my quest to heal myself and get better. but repeating endless cliches in no way guides my towards getting better or healing my wounds....

sorry about this long post,.. I would just like some ideas/tips on how to deal with this depression. Im determined to fight it off,.

thanks

[Nerve_Net]

YES. That is it. Concentrating on your artwork is good. Very good. It can be therapeutic to concentrate on artwork, but not to take your mind off it. Try drawing/painting/whatever-ing something depressing. Really depressing, to get the dark colours and feelings out. I've done the same, but I've written poetry to vent my feelings on paper, maybe you could do the same? (Or something similar). How about taking a little sketchbook round with you. If you feel upset, start drawing little things out just to keep it off.

 

If you feel you're going nowhere with your counsellor, you should tell her and try and quit or get alternative help. She'll understand.

 

I also find it useful to keep an occasional journal (but my poetry covers that), so good.

 

And I don't honestly know how to deal/beat depression. I feel like I've been in and out for the past 8 years. There is no easy solution. But I think you're on the right track with artwork and keeping a journal. Maybe in your journal you could set goals for yourself (never mind your counsellor). Don't stifle your tears either, it is good to cry, there's nothing wrong with it. If you feel bad thoughts coming in, read, draw, paint, listen to music... watch a comedy programme... ANYTHING. Or listen to the radio. If something you really hate comes on, take the mick out of them/the song. That usually can get a giggle. But there is no concrete answer. But I can at least try to help... I know how you feel...

 

Good luck again.

[Caldus]

I admit,.My self esteem is very very low and im very depressed,. but i do WANT to get better. Ive been depressed for 3 years now,. and im at my lowest point now. I dont know HOW to deal with this depression,. and how to go about telling my councellor that i dont feel like the councelling is helping me in any way,..

 

Stick to your art. My sister is now an amazing artist and is much happier in life than she used to be. **** the starving artist stereotype. Your passions and connections with other people in life can be proven to be essential for your alleviation of depression.

 

I used to be really depressed in high school. I think I started to get happy when I felt like I was worth something. In other words, I started to dive more into my passions and just swam in them relentlessly. Try poetry too.

 

These would be good first steps as I know how hard it is to climb out of the depression hole.

[BillyJean714]

Petalbud,

 

I've been in your shoes before. I know exactly how you feel- all of the emotions that you're going through. I did what you did too! Keeping things bottled up does take a toll on you, and yes those old cliches do get very annoying. Although I'm older than you, what I can say is, there is some truth to the cliches as in "things will get better" as you get older and become more mature. Well, they do, but gradually. It is truly a step-by-step process.

 

Like you, I finally was able to come out and talk to a counselor about it, but to me, the person who I spoke with did not have the level of understanding/empathy that I needed. In fact, I thought she was quite incompetant with some of the questions and responses she gave as a counselor, who supposedly is out there to 'help people.' Seems as though all she was concerned about were her DKNY boots, and getting paid. That was the vibe that I got from her. I then spoke to another one, in which, I could not relate to either.

 

What is the best solution I found so far? Personal healing. Instead of going to a counselor, I sought help by going to the bookstores. I read books written by other psychologists relating to what I went through, and it did not help me. One thing that helped me is to read books written by Tibetan philosophy. Upon reading these books, I discovered a different way of finding "Peace" in my life. I also learned to see things in a rational, humane, and practical approach- I realized that other people had it just as traumatic, if not, worse. Reading those books helped me so much more tremendously, compared to tallking to some stranger who doesn't even know me.

 

So, maybe you can take the introspective approach like I did. One last thing, the pain doesn't go away permanantly. Some days, you will be tougher than others. But slowly, as you try to 'make sense' of the emotions, you'll feel stronger. And, other days, subconsciously, you will fall back and feel down again. It may feel as though it's a roller coaster of emotions, but once you tackle them, the fluctuations become between feeling happy and sad will even out. P.S. - it's important to take good care of yourself. Maybe you can go for walks or jogs along the beach. Whatever it is, keep yourself occupied. Find a creative outlet and do things that make you truly happy, and thereforeeee, you will slowly regain yourself again. Hope this Helps. Hang in there! - Billy

[petalbud]

thanks for all ur replies,.. but can u reccomend any books to read about this? Ive read a few books,. but i gave up reading them because it was all the same "postive thiniking" and "believe in yourself" cliches,. only re-worded.

 

And if anyone on here uses affirmations? DO they actually work? i stopped cause i felt silly saying them sometimes because a part of me was constantly telling me that they aren't true and i was only lying to myself.

 

Im tired of my wretched existence,. trying desperately to crawl out of this dark hole of depression. No advice is too small or insignificant,....

 

 

thanks

[smallworld]

No advice is too small or insignificant

 

I agree! I recommend Feeling Good : The New Mood Therapy by David Burns which gives practical step by step advice on how to challenge and reprogram the negative thinking that leads to depression. This is not a rah rah self-help book. (You can find similar books by clicking "books" to the left of the "Red Cross" donation link above.)

 

Affirmations can work, but they have to be free "true" to you. Maybe the ones you're reciting are too generic and don't necessarily apply. It might be more useful to list things you sincerely like about yourself (and while you're at it another list of challenges you've faced in the past and overcome) and put them up where you can see them every day (like a bathroom mirror.) Reinforce and strengthen your opinion of yourself, and you'll feel stronger.

[BillyJean714]

-Hey Petalbud, You're welcome..

 

One book that I highly recommend as well is The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. I love this book! I especially love how he rationalizes human suffering. He really knows how to put things into perspective. After reading his book, it really helped me to heal and see things in a different light. Hope this book helps for you too!

 

Also, as a fun book to read, I recommend Kokology. It's a really interesting book. Not really much of a read, but if you do see it at the book store, thumb through the little stories a bit. It kinda to get a glimpse into your own psyche.

[petalbud]

thanks for your suggestions, im looking into them. i thought id just update you guys on how things are going.

 

I saw my counellor a few days ago and we talked about the usual stuff. I asked her if she could give me any advice because i felt i was the one doing all the talking,.. basically just reciting everything i write in my journal. she gave me the usual "everything would be fine". " I have a feelign theres still hope for you".. "you'd get thru all this".. but it really didnt help.

i walked out the room with tears in my eyes because im starting to feel like im goign nowhere,. like my life's a waste,. Like im reaching the end of the tunnel and the light i thought was there has gone out.

 

Ive buildt a wall of silence around me-- which is something i usually do when im feeling vunerable. Ive suceeded at pushing away my best friend. She says she's "bored of my constant depression" and "doesnt see the point of me wasting my time with the councellor because im still as depressed as ever". and she also thinks im not trying to get better!

Thing is,. I wouldnt be looking for help if i didnt want to get better. I feel so alone and cut off from everyone else,. I feel like an alien.

 

Im looking into getting those books,. you guys have suggested,.., but i cant afford them now and my local library doesnt have them. what do I do until i get these books? I just feel like shutting off completely and never returning to reality,....

[BillyJean714]

About your best friend, I don't want to pass judgement, but if I were to be bestfriends with someone, knowing that they're having a rough time, I wouldn't just easily shrug things off and say, "You're not trying to get better." I would listen, and understand why you're going through the emotions you're going through. It may not be easy, especially when a friend is always sad, but the point is, that person is my BEST friend, and is having a tough time. A true bestfriend is someone who understands and sticks with you through thick and thin. Maybe she's losing her patience. Give the friendship some time to see if she truly is a good friend. Maybe she is. But, just ask yourself, "How do I feel when I open up to her and she tells me this?" If you always feel as though she's kinda pulling away, maybe she's not that much of a good friend to begin with.

 

My uncle used to tell me as a kid (I know it may sound very Machiavellian), but, he used to say: "Your friends aren't really your friends. They're only your friends when they want to have fun." I partially agree with him in one aspect, because while growing up and going through high school and now college, the only friends who remain true to me were friends who were there to have fun, and were still here even during my toughest times. I have one good friend who is like this. So, that's how you know when you have a true friend- someone who is there during your highest highs and lowest lows.

 

About the books, you can always read them at the bookstore whenever you're out and near one. Or, one good thing about having a public library is that you and your family- as taxpayers (assuming that you're a U.S. citizen)- you have every right to request for book orders, you know that? Yes! That's good news! So, if you can't afford it, go ask the librarian to order it. If you kinda feel shy and don't want to ask in person, google up your local library, get the phone number, and call the librarian and ask her.

 

About counseling, sounds like this one doesn't click with you. I bet you your diary does a better job at actually listening. I'm sure that your counselor has a set of her own problems, but really, her generic responses aren't helping. So, I say, read those books whenever you can. Find something that helps you. Counseling may help for some people, and may not help for others. We are all different, and have different approaches to resolving our emotions.