Afraid in my own house

[KB]

I just need some support. After 8 years of marriage with a crazy man. I have been pushed and punched long enough. I knew it wasn't right when he would degrade in front of others, but I always let it slide. Everyone took it as a joke. But now I understand what he is up to. I started drinking more than ever and I now understand that I'm doing it as a coping skill. It has gotten pretty bad and I kept thinking it was my fault. If I could just keep quiet he won't hit me. I was burised up and cut up on Monday. I wasn

t able to use the phone in the house to call 911 because he pulled them out of my hands and broke them. I ended up getting out of the house and going to the neighbors. They arrested him and told me that the protective order would not let him come within 1000 ft of me....they made a mistake and the only thing the order says it that he can not be rude or mean to me or he'll go back to jail. I had the locks changed and I'm forced to stay in this house. I worry letting the dogs outside, because he will us them as power to control me. I have no children and the dogs are my comfort. They don't belittle me or get into any strange moods. I'm more scared now. He keeps calling and e-mailing me with statements of how much he adores me.....right. I'm not responding to him. How long will it take before he gets pissed? He is already in a depressed state. What if he comes over and breaks in...I only have my cell phone and he can get it away from me pretty fast. Why do I still feel its my fault? How can he do this?

[skyjuice]

Hi KB,

 

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Anyway, I am glad the police arrested him. Well, you are in better in condition than he is inside the house to abuse you.

 

Ignore his emails and phone calls.

 

You have the strenght to seek help from neighbour, I believe you also have the strenght to get over this. You go girl! You just need to make a few more steps forward to get away from him.

 

Do you still have family or friends that could help you? Consider moving to their house temporary.

Do you know any local agency that could help on this matter?

Do you want to file a divorce?

 

Do NOT drunk yourself to escape the reality. Because drinking would not solve problem.

[Minty80]

You might want to go to a shelter for now, somewhere that he can't find you where people will be in a position to help. I hate saying this but right now is THE most dangerous time. Is it possible to at least go to a family members house he doesn't know of? Or somewhere out of state temporarily? Can you get the restraining order corrected to say he has to be 1000 feet away?

 

There is info link removed here that can help. Also link removed , and a list of shelters in texas link removed . Please, call the numbers and take care of yourself!

[lucybird]

Hi KB-

 

Like you, I was in an abusive relationship and found some comfort online at places like

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and link removed

Getting some immediate support from one of these groups might be helpful because there are other women who have been in the exact situation as you.

 

Please know that his hurtful/abusive behavior is so totally not your fault. I know you must be very scared and confused right now. You can be very proud of yourself for taking a stand. You deserve to have a good life and you have the power to create that.

 

I wish I could give you some solid advice to help you deal with the fear. Abusive men thrive on their women being in fear, so maybe the most empowering thing you can do is to refuse to be in fear and tap in to your anger to help you through.

 

Sending you cyberhugs...

Lucy

[Hope75]

Hi KB, and welcome to Enotalone.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I was there myself 8 years ago, I lived with and was engaged to a man who beat me for 5 years.

 

I think it's good that you aren't responding to him, but what about this supposed protection order? Can you go to the police and find out why he is allowed to come near you? You need to get a restraining order that keeps him away from you.

 

The other thing is, do you have anywhere else you can go to stay? Friends, family, co workers, anywhere?

 

You are probably not safe in your own house right now, and the best thing would be for you to get out.

 

If you want to PM me feel free, I'd be glad to talk to you.

 

Hope

[KB]

thanks for your posts. I'm glad there is someone out there talking with me. I can find more excuses for not leaving. I do have a job, two dogs, two cats and a home I need to get sold. He moved us to this area to be near his family. But I do have a couple good frineds. I really hate talking to anyone about the problem, because they think he is great...They just don't know what I'v been living with. Even if he were to admit his problem I don't see any chance of change. I just get so scared he will show up at the back door...its locked but he is a very smart man. He can do many things other can't. Just look at the state I'm in. He is good. This is his third marrige and my second. I don't trust relationships anymore. I don't believe a word he says.

[HajiMaji]

Im going to agree with a shelter. Its an awesome place to get some stability and sanity in your life.

 

You are going through an extremely rough time right now. Keep strong. My aunt use to be on call at a shelter specifically designed for women and their children who were trying to get out of abusive situations. Theres nothing shameful about going to a place like this to get things together. You deserve someone to help and be there for you! What your going through is difficult, and im proud that you actually got him arrested - that must have been hard to do.

 

I understand that you feel like this is all your fault - this is the nature of abuse. I PROMISE you that its not. Youll get through this, just keep up the faith and stay as strong as you can. Its not your fault at all!

[avman]

I'll also vote for the shelter. Most women's crisis centers have free counseling and legal assistance. They can give you some resources to help you figure out what you can do regarding the situation.

[KB]

I spent the weekend with a friend. She came over and took me out of the house. I was worried about leaving, because I was afraid my husband would do something nasty..he didn't and I started feeling better. I began to think that maybe he isn't so bad and I should give him another chance. I haven't spoken to him or tried to make any contact with him. He showed up at the house several times and only walked around. I posted signs on the doors telling him that he would go back to jail if he tired to enter...he never did. I received one of his emails this morning and relized that I do need to stay away. He will never admit that he has a problem. He just keeps saying that I need to help him. That if I hadn't caused him to feel like this, he would never have hurt me. This isn

t his first time.....than another statement that bothered me was this...I'm sorry for your pain, but what about the pain your putting me in now..................I'm sorry but..........he thinks this is my way of torturing him. I don't understand. Than this evening he told one of my friends that he didn't care anymore and was really rude and said some things that didn't need to be said around her eight year old. I think he is getting to a breaking point. I'm so glad I waited before making a decision that could cause me more harm. I still have this quilt feeling that I could be over emotional about the whole situation. Maybe I dreaming this. Lets reflect, he hit me on Saturday and than tortured me on Monday...these are the most recent. There are 8 years of this...It can't be all me. Oh I have my problems, but it can't be all me........right

[Hope75]

He just keeps saying that I need to help him. That if I hadn't caused him to feel like this, he would never have hurt me. This isn

t his first time.....than another statement that bothered me was this...I'm sorry for your pain, but what about the pain your putting me in now..................I'm sorry but..........he thinks this is my way of torturing him.

 

He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, and he is blaming you for "making" him act out, and saying that only you can help him-- these are classic abuser tactics, if he can pass the blame on you, he doesn't have to accept any responsibility for his actions or admit that he has a problem. Don't buy into it, I suspect you already know it's not true. He has to want to help himself, and you can't do that for him and he won't admit there is a problem.

 

I agree with others that you need to get out. Those excuses you gave to stay don't fly. I had 2 dogs, 2 cats, a lease and a job too when I left my ex. Sometimes you have to put those things on the back burner. Find a friend to watch your dogs and cats and get out.

 

You need to prioritize now. It might seem at times that it is easier to do nothing, but it's actually harder to live in fear every day like you are than to make a change and get out. I found that very surprising once I left, but it's true. Just getting through a day being terrorized like you are is more exhausting and trying than taking action and leaving.

 

Where is your family? Does anyone know about your situation other than us? How about now that he's out of the house?

[DN]

Yes, go to a shelter. They will probably also be able to get you some legal advice to get the restraining order altered so that he has to stay away from you.

[KB]

Doing better around the house. I did come into work today and found out that my husband had to leave town for work....I don't have to worry about him coming around till Saturday. A friend told me that before he left town, he went to our doctor and told him everything. I guess for once he is being honest with himself. They but him on 30mg of Cymbalta and make and appointment with a psychitrict (sp) for Wednesday. Does anyone know anything about this drug...

[KB]

My husband is out of town and I feel so much better. The problem is that he is calling my cell phone and leaving me messages. Its bothers me what he is saying. Nothing hatefull, but they are strange. He said "I'm a lost puppy dog without you. You knew I was a snake before you put me in your pocket. Help this snake get better. " He wants me to go back to his needly place and that makes me mad. This is where the problme is...He is very NEEDY. He said, we have the perfect marriage but it needs some work. Why does he feel it has to be a perfect marriage? He also said that we both needed help, which is true because his illness has caused me to do harmfull things to myself, like over drinking. He also said that my silent treatment isn't working, because he really needs to talk to me and that he is being punished because of it. He claims that if this doesn't change, he'll be forced to find another...whats up with this? If he is trying to scare me into believing that I could loose him...so what...I'm sick of feeling quility for everything.

[Hope75]

He claims that if this doesn't change, he'll be forced to find another...whats up with this?

 

Again, he's trying every tactic in the book to guilt you into taking him back. He had you right where he wanted you, he could abuse and control you and I bet it took him a long time to condition you to accept it, and it's going to be hard to condition some one else to allow such abuse.

 

He's right about one thing-- he is a snake.

 

Perfect marriage? For him maybe, he had a puppet instead of a wife.

 

Well good for you for standing up for yourself and your rights.

 

Do not allow him back into your life, he's not willing to change, he just wants to maipulate you into taking him back so he can have his way again.

 

Don't fall for it.

[KB]

Going to see a counsler today. Don't know what to say. I don't want to talk about him....now I think its about me and what I should expect. I need to change my way of thinking. I need to say NO to the abuse. I don't think I'm depressed, but do you think I should go to my doctor. I just don't know anymore

[Hope75]

What do you mean?

 

I think a counselor is a great idea. Believe it or not it will help to get those feelings out there, and talk about what you went through. Keeping it all trapped inside makes it harder to get past it and close the door on that chapter of your life.

 

Have you thought about the next step? As in divorce?

[avman]

Let your counselor guide you. You don't have to spill everything in your first visit. Take it slow, build up some trust, and tell him/her what you feel comfortable with.

 

A good counselor understands that it is not a one shot deal. It is a series of meeting and conversations to get through the core issues that are hurting you.

[Gracelove]

He is crazy. Take his e-mails to a lawyer, and try to sue him for harassment.