sister taking advantage of family's kindness

[shorty20]

Ok... to actually help you guys understand my problem and what I need help with, I'll have to give you some background. I have two older sisters. Both got pregnant around the age of 18, and both were single moms very early. The oldest struggled with being a single mom, working, and taking care of her baby, but she was awesome at it and did what she had to do. The middle one got pregnant when she was 18 with her first child. Then, two years later, she got pregnant with her second child... each from different dad's.. neither of them pay child support. My middle sister has done so many things wrong in the past few years because she acts on impulse, dosen't think about decisions, and just kind of dosen't think about things before she does them. She went out last year and bought a brand new car, even though she didn't have the money. Now she's stuck with payments in a car that breaks down all the time, when she could have gotten a used car and had it payed off already. She settled on money that the first dad owed her, and settled for $2500 when he owed her over $6000 just because she wanted the money right away. She refused to take the second father to court, just because he told her if she did, he would leave her (this while he's still married and living with his wife and kids) I just remember when we used to be little, and she was so smart. Always the perfect daughter. And I don't know what went wrong. Now, the problem. She is now getting evicted from her apartment. This is an apartment that she pays $800 a month for, when she could be paying less rent in a cheaper apartment, but she wanted "the best." She had the nerve to ask my parents if her and her two kids could move back in with us. I'm still living at home because I'm still in school. This means, I'm getting kicked out of the basement apartment and being moved up to the spare bedroom. I understand my parents can't leave her out on the streets, but it just seems like she's takign the easy way out. Who wouldn't chose to move back somewhere where there's no rent, and live-in babysitters? She's taking advantage of them and their weakness to her... they could never tell her no. So how am I supposed to deal with this? I can't afford to move out, unless I find a school near by that I can get housing in and just get financial aid. I just feel like I"m being kicked out of my house by someone who dosen't even want to acknowledge her mistakes or the consequences that came from those mistakes. Sorry this turned out to be so long.... having a bad day and needed to vent.... any comments, suggestions.... anything would be great. Thanx guys.

[DN]

It's hard on you and you have my sympathy.

 

But, after everything is said and done, the bottom line is: she and her kids are family and need the help.

[shorty20]

i understand that DN but after over two years of giving and giving to her, and giving her nothing but sympathy and help... she keeps making bad decisions. Rash decisions that if she stopped for a second to think, she'd make a better decision. There comes a point when you run out of sympathy... she does these things to herself... she's family but she can't always expect mommy and daddy to get her out of trouble.... am I wrong for thinking like that?

[DN]

You are not wrong for thinking like that. But what are your parents to do? She is their daughter and her kids are their grandchildren. They don't want to see them on the street or anywhere close to it. Especially helpless children.

 

I am a parent and grandparent. I speak from experience.

 

Because we supported my daughter under almost identical circumstances, she is now happily married, with a good job and a nice house, and is about to take university courses.

 

We could have turned our backs on her - but we did not. We took her and her children in, my youngest daughter sacrificed her bedroom for the kids and moved into an unfinished basement and we pulled together as a family. She was not impressed either but did it willingly and without complaint.

 

It was not easy for any of us, we were crowded and it was tough financially for a while. But now we are a very tight-knit family, my daughters are as close as any sisters could be, and the grandkids are happy and content - and are also very close to us and to their aunt.

 

The outcome for your family may not be as good - but you will have done the right thing anyway. And your conscience will never bother you.

[Cadence308]

I'm sure this is hard on you and probably annoying, as it sounds like you think things through before acting on them. I've struggled watching both of my siblings make similar mistakes.

 

Your parents will not turn their backs on her no matter how hard the situation gets. They do not want to see their daughter and grandkids living on the streets, as DN suggested. So even though she keeps screwing up and you think they should tell her no, I doubt that it will happen.

 

Maybe you should talk to your parents about how you feel she is taking advantage of them and that you feel they need to enforce some boundaries on her like get a better job or go to university, set long-term goals so that she can be independent and take care of herself and her children.

 

Both her kids' fathers need to be paying child support. I don't see how else she can be independent and support her family otherwise.

[shorty20]

thankyou dn.... i do want nothing but the best for my sister. I love her, just wish that she would wise up and start making better decisions. It seems that I, only being 20 years old, am wiser that she is in so many aspects. It never used to be like that.... i used to admire her, and respect her.... but you are right.. and I have not complained in the least bit to anyone... just said I would do what needed to be done... and that I'd be looking for a college near by with housing so I could move out to make more room for her and her kids... I guess it's just frusterating, but you made me see that I need to put that aside for now.... thankyou....

[DN]

thankyou dn.... i do want nothing but the best for my sister. I love her, just wish that she would wise up and start making better decisions. It seems that I, only being 20 years old, am wiser that she is in so many aspects. It never used to be like that.... i used to admire her, and respect her.... but you are right.. and I have not complained in the least bit to anyone... just said I would do what needed to be done... and that I'd be looking for a college near by with housing so I could move out to make more room for her and her kids... I guess it's just frusterating, but you made me see that I need to put that aside for now.... thankyou....

It is frustrating and you have every right to be upset. You also have a right to your life as well, and the family should not just revolve around her. But for now, let out your frustration on here, or pm me if you like. You won't regret it.

[Jetta]

DN really handled it but here's another perspective. You are 20 years old not 15. Yes she made bad choices, but she has two children and really would need a separate living space from the family. And maybe they are doing too much for her but they're thinking about the grandchildren, and also thinking if given a chance she can turn things around. You could choose to live on campus if it really bothers you. I know it sucks being uprooted but at 20 you're often uprooted because that's just the age. She was smart once, she can smarten up again. Some people just hit a rough path (you aren't done living yet, you'll have your periods). Try to be a bit more understanding because you just don't know where you're life will lead.

[shorty20]

you guys have a point... but yes, I will be moving out if she moves in, and No, I don't think it's immature, I think thats what you were getting at Jetta.... my sister's kids are not disciplined in any way. They have no respect for anyone, and don't mind either myself, my parents, or even their mother. This being said, I don't think that I would be abandoning my family by moving on with my life. I don't agree with her moving back in with my parents. They are almost 50 years old.... they've done nothing but help her from the start. They're tired. They're worn out. And she dosen't even care about how it will affect anyone else. She's a massage therapist but insists on spending an extra $300 a month to rent out a personal office space because she states that she dosen't get alogn with the girls when she tries to work at spas... to me... that's just lazy, and being irresponsible. She works one day out of the week... I'm sorry guys, but i'm not with you on this one. She's being lazy, and dosen't want to find a job, so she's moving back here. If my parents allow this, I don't think she'll ever move back out. It will be too easy for her to just stay here and slack off and let my 50-year-old parents pick up after her and her kids....

[Sexychiick16]

I thought she had a job. thats gotta be rough! it sounds

like she may be doin drugs, id be taken a closer eye

on her , try playin good cop, bad cop...

 

black mailing could be h orrible, but dude

shes makin everyone stressed out, she should

at least clean up after them, and Senior citizens

shouldn't be having to pick up after her, thats

crap!

 

if i were you, personally...i'd tolorate it for a while,

get myself a job...cause when ur at work, ur thinkin

about work, Not kids crying and screaming..not

messes in the house...WORK...and i'd try my best

to rent a apt.

 

try filling out some applications for your sister and

start talkin to her about work in the mean time,

put a little guilt trip on her. When you see her

just smile and tell her to clean up, and get a job, one

your on the role and starts makint he cash, ya know?

 

dont talk to her about anything else. when you have a job,

your parents will be happy that you are and maybe even

build up the confidence to kick her out!

 

give her motivation....

 

My bestfriends sister and kids were liivng with her and her

brother, mom and dad, But now TAmmy lifted herself

back on her feet and owns her own house Making BANK...

 

Hang in there, things will get easier

 

--ur friend Roxy