Mixed Signals?

[Longshoter]

I dated my ex-girlfriend for 3.5 years and we broke up because of my issues in a past relationship and something that happened that invoked me to try to let go which only made her feel used and unloved; but this is a novel if I get into the details.

 

Anyhow, so after 3 months of NC I visited her. Let me summarize a few important subjects:

 

- We started to give each other affection after the 2nd or 3rd visit, hugging, and holding hands, and she even laid on my lap while watching TV.
- We went on a trip and later she offered go on another trip.
- She had me sleep on the couch for the first 3 times I spent the night, but the last night she said I could sleep on her bed but "no funny stuff" and I caressed and rubbed her back, she even lifted her shirt and said "don't touch my boobs" and mumbled "only if you really want to", but I chose not to, just didn't feel right.
- She would call me everyday from her break at work
- She said I was one of the most important people in her life
- Her father past away shortly after our first contact and I was there for her whenever she needed me
- Since we made contact, we really haven't talked about "us"

 

Well things were going great for about a month until she wouldn't return my calls for a week and the calls from work stopped, she said that she's been too busy (her father past away which didn't play a big role in her life), so at first I understood and gave her space to deal with all this. Another week goes by and she calls me and says she's still busy. When I heard this I just don't believe it anymore, I just didn't feel important anymore.

 

Well, she called me on Monday and for the first time I told myself I wouldn't pick it up, she did leave a message, she even mentioned that she was hurt that I didn't pick up (of course she laughed it off like it was a joke). She called a second time on Friday and again left a message, I didn't pick up nor have I called her back since last week.

 

What should I do? Should I call her back and be honest with her as to why I haven't called her back? Should I email her? I'm lost. What should my next step be?

[kellbell]

It's hard to say. I want to say she wants you back but things are kind of fuzzy to me. I think she wants to hold all the cards this time around. Like she calls you and tells you she is busy. That's kind of weird. She has been calling you a lot because you have not been calling her and it's making her feel uneasy. She doesn't want you to be "mad" at her but at the same time, she wants to know exactly where she stands with you without her being your life completely, you following me? I kind of did that with my ex, I know, it was wrong but I was hurt and I wanted to hold the cards when we started contacting each other again. Like he would contact me and I would not get back to him right away because I did not want him to think I was waiting around for him to text me and not take me for granted. So when the time came for me to text him and he would not contact me right away, I got antsy. Like, "why isn't he contacting me?" But I wanted him to contact me because I wanted to know what he was doing and if was still interested in keeping in contactimg me. I know, it's silly and childish but hey, things can get that way sometimes.

So I guess, you can contact her but on a limited basis. Just be honest with her and how you feel. I wasn't honest with my ex and neither was he so we continued to play these stupid games. Just lay all your cards on the table and see how things go. It sounds like you 2 have some unfinished business together so maybe you 2 could settle things once and for all and find out where each of you stand. Take care and good luck.

 

P.S. sorry if this post is confusing, I know what is going on intutively but it's hard for me to put it in words. Maybe someone else would be able to explain it better.

[mairi]

go 2 visit her, face to face always best.........phone convos, emails and texts can be missleading and she cud missunderstand .

[Longshoter]

Kellbell, what you say makes sense to me and even explains some more small things that have happened that make me wonder. So thank you for sharing your side, really helps.

 

Mairi, I will visit her, shall I just show up unannounced? or contact her and just say that we need to talk in person?

[kellbell]

I would not go unannounced but I would call her and tell her you have some things on your mind and you want to share it with her and sort things out, kind of like some closure and it sounds like she needs some closure too but maybe a little too shy to come forth to say it. I would take her for some coffee or a place for drinks and appetizers. Something very comfortable and casual. Like I said, I have done it before (what your ex is doing now), not sure why, maybe because we did not have closure. Take care and wishing you the best.

[Longshoter]

Alright I'll do that and post back and see what happens, I'll keep you posted.

 

Also, when you say closure, it sounds a bit negative. Do you mean closure as ending it and moving on together or closure as she heard what she needed and can go on her own path without me? Either way I can honestly say I'm hoping for the former, but if the latter comes it comes and what can you do but move forward.

 

You still with that same guy or it didn't work out?

[kellbell]

It depends on the relationship you guys had, the circumstances on which the relationship ended, and what you guys both want. Either way, you guys are sending each other mixed signals. Obviously these mixed signals are making you uncomfortable and confused, so maybe closure in the sense of these mixed signals.

To answer your question, no we are not back together. But I abruptly left him because he was not honest with me about a few things. I feel bad for leaving but lesson #1, never lie to me about your ex to my face. But regardless of how things worked out between us, we still played those silly games. Now it's cool, we are just friends that talk once in awhile.

[Longshoter]

The relationship ended because of a connection from issues from a early relationship that I was cheated on. Something happened at about the 1 year mark that had my mind wanting to run as fast as it could in the oppisite direction but my heart wanted to be with her -- after a while my mind won out very slowly, she even accused me of cheating and having multi-personalities. I know she knows I would never cheat on her and I haven't (but let me tell you, I was so damn confused, I think I drove myself mad). So we both left confused, I didn't know about the past issue I had about trust because I honestly blocked it out, and I assure you she had no idea what was going on with me.

 

Well I can say that lying to me can break down trust quickly, all the little lies become just as important as the big lies. I'm glad I don't have the need to lie to people, I even told my girlfriend that my ex-girlfriend came into town and she wanted to be with me again and I told her no -- if you have nothing to hide why lie? Sometimes I wonder maybe I'm too honest, but I enjoy being honest, I get the best sleep that way.

 

BTW this place is awesome, it helped me when I was going through the 3 month NC phase, made me feel NOT ALONE..

[kellbell]

Good for you, honesty is the best way to go. Well, from you wrote, then I would definitely go out and talk to her about everything. It sounds like she is not quite ready to let go either. If you think this relationship can work, despite your issues from your past, then I would talk to her about how you feel, and leave the floor open for her to talk too.

[Longshoter]

Well I called her today... she asked me why I took so long to call her back and I just said that I really need to talk with her and to find closure and she sounded really curious as to what it was, than said something about how if it was about us getting together that she she would save me the trip? My heart dropped, I just didn't get it, perhaps she found someone new? I go over her house to talk to her tomorrow, I'm going to say exactly what I need to say. I'm so disappointed right now.

 

Could it be that the word closure had a negative affect? I mean to me closure is ending something, maybe she felt hurt by that? Maybe she recently found someone new? I just don't get it, this woman is driving me nuts, f**king nuts!

 

Now to think what I'm going to say tomorrow, now I'm confused. I want to be honest, but NOW her comment makes me feel like if I make it sound like I want to get back together with her I'll make an a*s out of myself.

 

Also, I'm not 100% sure about where the placement of this was, but I'm pretty confident it was after I said I need to talk to her and before "finding closure", she said that one friend from work was moving in with her boyfriend and another girl at work were going on vacation and she had nothing to do this weekend. Now this is just another thing that confused me, I just don't get her, I really don't.

 

Why do I feel like giving up? I know I don't want to, but my mind is tired of playing games.

[Longshoter]

I talked to her on the phone yesterday, I just feel she isn't ready to hear what I have to say, she came off as being spiteful and that just made me feel like backing off, so I told her I wasn't coming over and again she started to be spiteful. I understand that I hurt her, but the immature games are beyond me and I've decided not to pursure the relationship anymore; -- I got so much going on in other areas in my life that I should be focusing on myself and getting everything where I want them to be instead of childish games.

 

She also made a comment about that she hasn't been leading me, which is far from the truth. So now I'm forcing myself to move on, not going to call her, not going to pick up the phone when she calls, I'm done.

 

Anyone agree that I'm making the right decision here?[/b]

[madtolove]

Hi friend just read your post and I have had this with my ex. She would text and call about stupid things. I would contact her straight back but she wait a while or not get back at all.

 

Its seemed like she wanted me in her life or just wanted to know what I was up too. I was displaying all the signs of moving on. She saw me with another girl and she was texting to find out what was going on. But she though it was ok for her to date other people and for her to ask about my life which really confused me. So thats all I have had is games and confusion. I dont think you will get true closure from your ex as they sometimes dont even know that all they are doing to playing games and they see it as normal behavour. This is what I was getting and still am.

 

We ended it in a big argument where I told her what I though of her and I dont feel any better. But she too has really hurt me and I was too afraid when I was with her, to say things which she did, that where just disrespectful. So I am just going to leave her to thoughs games I guess it gives her a sense of power and control over you but I am going to break that and take it back from her.

 

Good luck!

[Longshoter]

Thanks for taking the time to post.

 

I had the urge to argue with her, I'm beyond arguing with her, I could have easily picked up a fight, but that won't accomplish anything, it will make the both of us feel bad and that isn't what I want, all I want is to deal with everything in a mature manner, and it just seems she's really stuck on the past, which is truly too bad for the both of us.

 

Everything has really made me realize that I don't need or want someone such as this in my life. I know I made some mistakes, I've resolved those issues.

 

I'm with you madtolove about letting go, letting her play the games by herself.

[madtolove]

Yea I have had to face facts this week about my ex, again she had issues with ex boy friends treating her bad. When we did argue the other week, things came out, not sure if she was just saying it to make me feel bad because I was having a go at her for treating me like dirt. I made it clear to her that she cant and wont treat me like this no more. So i am in the same boat as you. Dont get me wrong I am sure like me that you really wanted to care and love your ex but I think if they dont want to love themself's and be better persons then there is sod all you can do. I have tried everything from being a friend and being on call to her 24/7, this was when we where together.

 

Its all been thrown in my face. She just wants to drag things out between us but in a nasty way. She doesnt want to be with me and I am starting to become the focus of her hate. She wants now to blame me for her inside problems, but these have and always been there before me. I think the way Ive acted has not helped as I most of look like her, chasing all the time, how she was with her ex. I think she wants this and gets a feeling of power. She done this to good friends of hers, used them and push them away, and now she has nobody. But my ex has this I dont care nomore attitude. She gets involved with anybody who looks interested but they never last.

 

I hope she and like your ex think about what they have lost in time. I think you really saw all this behavour and want to show her you want to care and not use her. I did as well.

 

I am just focusing on self improvement and keeping my chin up. I wish you well mate.

[rascal]

Now to think what I'm going to say tomorrow, now I'm confused. I want to be honest, but NOW her comment makes me feel like if I make it sound like I want to get back together with her I'll make an a*s out of myself.

 

you have to be willing to make a fool out of yourself. if you truly love her, who cares? tell her how you feel. make the most of the moment, dude. it could very well determine the rest of yourself. tell her EXACTLY how you feel, and you'll have no regrets. good luck.

[Longshoter]

I have done allot to get to where I am now, it took allot of courage to travel to her house and meet her face to face, I took the steps needed, I supported and dropped everything for her when she needed me. The feeling I have now is one of confusion, of doubt and I'm not sure I'm ready to take that step now, not sure if I have the energy to put into it this very second, I've really put a hole into my career because of this, I've lost clients and I'm back to where I started.

 

I'm such in a field of not knowing what to do, just to give you an idea of how financally devastated I am, I can't even afford to mail the gift I got her for her birthday which is in 4 days.

[madtolove]

Iam sorry to hear this friend, you sure your not me. Ive had to move stores at my work because of ex, and this has also put a promotion I was due to get back a while. I know what its like, you give it everything and they throw it back. I took my birthday gifts back off me ex because it was her birthday, and guess what she only wanted to meet me up because nobody else would. I mean where was her new b/f she told me about. Even her friends dont want to know. But stupid ar~s her went and got her an exspensive watch and bag but I got them back after we had a massive argument. Dont know if this was petty but she didnt deserve them.

 

Any gift you give them will just say you are thinking about them and give them the power. I have not spent a penny more and have been buying new clothes and working out. I am going to get out there for me and not her. You do the same. I will take these steps with you!

[Longshoter]

You know it's funny you mention "invisible people" because she always mentions friends this, and friends that, but I never seen a sign of friends calling when I was with her all those weekends. Just another weird puzzle piece that doesn't fit into place. madtolove, sounds like were in the same boat, different women.

 

I want to give her the gift, it's a personal gift that only SHE would enjoy, so I might as well try to send it, it won't bother me if she thinks that she has the power, because when that phone rings or when she needs me again, I won't be there. She always had the comfort of knowing I would always be there for her, and even though I was the problem in the relationship, I showed who I was in drastic situations, and she was the opposite, where is she when I need her? Playing games.

 

I started working out too!

 

madtolove, I sent you a PM.