Question about Sexual Abuse

[blueyes25]

Can anyone tell me anything about sexual abuse as a child - how you recovered or are re-covering and also, what can we do to support someone who has been through this and has just finally had the courage to speak about it for the first time?

 

Also, how has it affected your relationships?

 

Thank you

 

Blue

[chai714]

Can anyone tell me anything about sexual abuse as a child - how you recovered or are re-covering and also, what can we do to support someone who has been through this and has just finally had the courage to speak about it for the first time?

 

Also, how has it affected your relationships?

 

I knew a woman who was sexually abused. She was sexually abused by her brother and her parents NEVER put her in counseling. Today, she's 25 and she has very distorted views on sex and her own sexuality. She has an absolute fear of penetration and won't even visit her gynecologist. She tells me she's very uncomfortable being intimate and would rather not have the part of a relationship. She still has not seeked counseling and the more longer she takes to get help, the harder it will be to overcome her fears (my opinion).

 

If you want to support someone, you learn about it yourself first. Get a book - there are plenty out there and some are specifically for partners of sexual abuse survivors. I MIGHT know a title, but I'd have to do a seach. If you can't find one, PM me and I'll find it for you.

 

Other than that, there's not much you can do except be patient, patient and more patient. You'll probably experience a lot of frustration, misunderstanding, and even anger. You can't take it out on that person though - they are this way as a result of damage that has been done to them when they were children. This is very important. I believe there is also a forum on link removed dedicated to sexual abuse that you might want to look into. Again, PM me if you can't find it I'd be glad to help.

[blueyes25]

Thank you - I very much appreciate your suggestions. I will try to get that book title from you

 

Blue

[chai714]

An article on partners of sexual abuse victims from WebMD:

link removed

 

Message Boards for Sexual Abuse Victims (may be insightful for you to read as well:

 

link removed

 

I'll get you the names of a couple books that might help you too. I'll PM you later today.

[blueyes25]

Awesome!!! Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this helps. I am so angry at the individual that has done this to him - I am angry for what he has taken from him and what he has taken from me as well.

 

I just need to know what steps I need to take to be there for whatever will happen netx. My b/f pushed me away without answers about 2 months ago and has been in therapy since April. I knew that there was abuse, but did not know what kind he had sustained or when. He would never say. He finally told the therapist and on Sunday - after not seeing him for 2 months and a solid 3 weeks of no contact...he came home. He let me in and we cried. It was one of the most intimate experiences of my life and his. We have been in this together and I have no intention of turning my back on him now that we've come this far.

 

I don't know much about this type of abuse, but I will do all I can to educate myself in order to be supportive. I have no idea where the road will lead now. What I do know is how much courage, trust, and faith he had to have in order to come out and tell me what happened. I am the only person other than the therapist that he has told. He has been carrying this pain with him for 26 years.

 

I am so proud of him for seeking help and for trying to be a better man. He is truly a remarkable individual and things have been challenging...especially these 2 months apart. However, I am so greatful that we have always had a solid foundation of love, trust, respect, openess, forgiveness, and faith. It seems as though he has finally let himself trust in this all the way...and I fully believe that the foundation of us and our love is what brought him home.

 

Anyway, when he told me - I just let him talk. Nothing can prepare you to hear something like that. I didn't say anything - I let him talk - I let him cry - and I cried with him. I hugged him and rocked him and told him that he didn't deserve that and that I loved him very, very much - unconditionally - just as I always had. I told him how proud I was and how angry I was at the individual who took so much from him and also me.

 

I am amazed at the power of love - and the power of fear.

 

Any suggestions would be much appreciated. If you do not feel comfortable posting on here, please PM me.

 

Thank you!!

[Bounder]

blue eyes,

 

Your faith and strength is really admirable.Yes, it was hard for him to open up to you about what happened to him, but remember it has been hard for you too, and that you have shown incredible strength through all of it and continue to do so now that he is opening up to you. Inspiring. Hope all is well

[bk12]

For myself my involvement in therapy and therapy support groups has helped alot. But you need to get a therapist who believes sexual abuse happens to children and that, most of the time, survivors have to get to adulthood before, they can face or remember what happened. That's important. It was important for me to interview my therapist to make sure he or she was an ally and had the skill and training to help me.Sometimes are also support groups for partners and family members of survivors, depending on where you live.

 

I've also found SIA Survivors of Incest Anonymous very helpful along with these other supports. They define incest very broadly to include sexaual abuse by non-family members, who were in a position of trust or authority.It's a spiritual but non-religious program. It's anonymous and its free. You don't have to believe any dogma. (You can visit their web-site which explains more)

 

At SIA I at least have been able to trust we all had a common experience when my friends couldn't handle it. So I have relied sometimes, more on the group, therapy, books and individual survivors who are trying to recover, than on friends who don't understand . I've also needed to pace myself and find activities that are soothing without being self destructive. I've needed to accept that not everyone can handle it. Being with others who are also recovering, lifts the shame, secrecy and the isolation.

 

I've also needed to develop spiritually , to realize that I'm not alone and I don't have to be alone. Unfortunately, we live in a world where children are victimized.But by continuing to go through recovery I can perhaps be of service to others, and perhaps even be a more compassionate person.

 

There are several really good books that have also helped me: Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, Victims no Longer by Michael Lew , Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman

[moothecat]

Can anyone tell me anything about sexual abuse as a child - how you recovered or are re-covering and also, what can we do to support someone who has been through this and has just finally had the courage to speak about it for the first time?

 

Also, how has it affected your relationships?

 

Thank you

 

Blue

hi blue...i was sexually abused by my grand father for several years...it took me a long time to speak up and finally tell someone what happened...but I am so glad I did...my husband has been supporting me through my recovery and there are days when it is harder for him than it is for me....everyones recovery is different but the first step...telling someone...is the hardest step, but that has been taken.

Just remember to always be there, it will not be an easy road, don't ask questions, but listen when they are ready to talk, and they will be, maybe not today but soon. And always remember that you can not change what happened and this is a big part of you your loved one is.

I think it is fantastic that you want to help and support someone through this....THE WORLD NEEDS MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOU IN IT!!!!

Therapy is a wonderful way of dealing with sexual abuse, you get to take all of your anger and feelings of shame and guilt out on someone that is not emotionally involved. You don't have to worry about hurting them.

I did get married last year but it took me a long time to make a committment and there are times when I yell at my husband for no reason whatsoever, but just because he is there. I had many relationships that would never work because I would not let anyone get to close, but when my husband and I were still dating I was able to tell him what had happened to me and with his love and support I was able to face it and FINALLY move on with my life.

Good luck with this, it will be difficult for you both, but you can do it. You can help them become a survivor and no longer a victim.

[Rosie007]

I was sexually abused throughout my childhood. In addition to psychological, verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. And neglect.

 

How was I affected? Hmmm ...

 

I was a black-out alcoholic for 15 years. (Good news is I'm now sober 15.5 years). During the time I was a drunk, I had four abortions. Haven't had one since I got sober.

 

Now I wish I had children, but I'm soooooooooo thankful I didn't have any when I was such a sick alcoholic.

 

While I was an active alcoholic, I was promiscuous (as evidenced by my abortions).

 

The longest relationship I've had in my adult life lasted for seven months. I just had it. Which is why I'm here. Got my heart ripped out. What little bit of it is still in there.

 

I've been bulimic on and off throughout the years.

 

I struggle with a weight problem throughout the years.

 

I have anger issues.

 

I have anger turned inward issues.

 

I get the cut yourself / kill yourself feeling. To this day. Despite the fact that I finally agreed to go on medications last July. Which, incidentally, coincides with me being able to tolerate all the anxiety and pain of a relationship. About 7 to 10 days before I started seeing Rex, I started Prozac. Sometimes I wish I had started the medicine sooner, but I wasn't open to the suggestion. I'm still very glad I didn't start taking it in early sobriety. I don't believe in magical fixes. I believe in AA, therapy, friends, listening to others (without offering any advice, unless asked for), willow trees, and the love of a good dog. Dogs are so loyal and unjudgmental.

 

I don't trust many people.

 

I'm too vulnerable.

 

Sometimes I feeling like I'm this gaping hole of sadness, sorrow, and love neediness.

 

I have a hard time falling to sleep, especially in strange places. It wasn't until I started wearing ear plugs that I started sleeping soundly. I wake at the slightest noise.

 

As evidenced by my relationship with Rex, I'm grateful for crumbs. Logically, I know I'm worth more than that. But not subconsciously, I guess.

 

Did I mention I have a hard time trusting people?

 

 

Oh, it's a gas being an incest survivor.

 

On the other hand ....

[Rosie007]

Oh yeah.

 

I was raped when I was 14.

 

When I lost my virginity, the guy ... not the man who molested me ... didn't even kiss me. I carried the shame of that around for years.

[SherriLi]

Is it possible to be abused and not know about it??

 

Are there signs that i can look for within myself?

 

To the OP, i'm sorry about your situation, and the pain you and your partner are going through. Judging by the way you've described you and your partners relationship, you two will get through all of this. He's taken the first steps to talk about it and seek help to deal with his pain.

 

Your relationship sounds like it will last a lifetime. I admire it immensely.

[Rosie007]

If you read about incest survivors / recovery, you will learn it's quite common for people to suppress their memories. It's a survival mechanism -- because the truth can be too painful for some people to handle all at one.

 

I would like to have full recovery of my memories. They're are some foggy areas. And I didn't even get into the ways I was physically, psychologically, verbally, and emotionally abused as a child. And neglected.

 

It seems many of my incest memories are intact, but that I've buried my memories of physical abuse. Unbelievably, I didn't learn until seven years ago, when my father died, that he'd been physically abusive to me. I only have a single memory of standing up to him; however, the day after my dad died, when my mom, brother, and I talked about some of the violence and terror we'd lived through for the first time ... perhaps because we felt safe enough to acknowledge the violence now that dear ol' dad was dead. My brother told me I used to go up against my father -- a 6-foot-tall, barrel-chested Irish-American -- all the time to protect my mother and him. I have no memories of this whatsoever.

 

When the facts of life are too terrible, our psyches often protect us by submerging our memories. In fact, I'd say a sure sign of childhood abuse, in whatever form it takes, is to block memories.

 

I recommend highly you see a therapist as soon as possible. Preferably a woman. It's one of the best things I've ever done / do.

 

All best,

 

-Rosie

[SummerRain]

Hi To You BlueEyes

 

And thank you for people like you, already I think your wonderful, and your partner is very lucky to have found a person like you, who he can trust and talk to. It may have taken him 2 months of thinking time, but he came to you.

 

I am 31 now, and I was first abused at the age of 6 when I first moved to a different town, then again at the age of 10 years old.

 

I ended up trying all sorts of ways to block out what happened, first it was petrol sniffing at 11 years old, then on to Tipex Thinners through the early years of high school, gas sniffing became a friend of mine also airisols, hairspray, deodrant - anything I could get my hands on. I did get caught I few times, but was made to drink 7 pints of milk - NO ONE asked why I would be doing these things.

 

I met my first boyfriend the late age of 15years - he just turnt 19. I told him that he wasn't my first- because I felt dirty and already used- by this time I had stopped with the sniffing and started smoking pot. He started cheating 3 years down the line, so I called it off, I was glad I never told him of my abuse or me abusing myself.

 

Then I just fell in a string of violet relationships- .

One boyfriend would put ideas into his own head that I was seeing other men and would lash out at me unexpected- that relationship lasted 3 years.

 

I got married to a man that I met 6 months into the relatonship- he got really bad on his drinking and spent more time in a pub than anywhere, yet again, the relationship lasted 3 years.

 

I came to meet my boyfriend who I am with now when I was 24 years old. I fell pregnant at 26 with a baby that was very small in growth- I had to have a E/C at 37 months pregnant, guilt set in for all the times that I had abused myself by sniffing, and still smoking pot.

When she was born, my daughter weighted in at 4lbs, I looked at her and swore that no man will ever touch her the way they had done me.

All the while I was talking to her and holding her, my boyfriend was outside telling my mum about my abuse as a child. (I thought I trusted him).

 

I also have a son now who was born at 5lbs and also under E/C, but this time I never got to see the birth, I got to hold him 5 hours later.

This thought alone, distroys me.

 

So the run down.... I have ended up abusing myself.

Entered Violent Relationships

O/D 3 times in my life

Still going through the no one believing me part.

Lack of interest in sex

Extreme nightmares

 

Now I'm at the stage where I am exsisting - not living.

[Rosie007]

Hi Summer Rain,

 

I'm so sorry to hear about all the terrible ordeals you've lived through.

 

It sounds like you're being honest with yourself and that's a mighty important step for healing and to move towards living, not just existing.

 

Please try to find some support for yourself, such as therapy, incest survivor meeting, any place that you'll feel safe.

 

All best,

 

Rosie

[SummerRain]

Thank you Rosie for your msg, I have tried all sorts of counceling from ASAC and places like Kinergy - I just seem to freeze when the sessions get indepth, thats around after 3 times of going, then I stop altogether.

 

I just wish there was someone like BlueEyes in my life, someone thats not a stranger to me - so I can feel comfortable talking.

 

All The Very Best To You All 2.

[I dont know how to date]

To Rosie - that list is me to a T (does anyone know what that saying 'to a T' means?!)

 

I was sexually molested again and again by my mother's father from 5 to 10 yrs old. I didn't repress any memories, in fact I can view them all like a home movie in my head at will, but I did haul around the burden of my story like a secret for 25 yrs.

 

I was a binge alcoholic and slept around. The 90s are a blur. I had so much rage and hate and unleashed it on the world. So many people would say, What's your problem? or You need an attitude adjustment. The worst of the worst was the fact that I was told by my mother (one only who knew) to "say hello to grandpa, don't be rude" , "go hug your grandpa or he'll feel bad" for years. He was more important than I, I didn't matter, no one was in my corner whatsoever.

 

In 2005, in a circumvention of fate and deliverance, my entire family found out about what happened to me on Christmas Eve. He died 2 weeks to the day later. I was the only family member not present at his funeral. Instead I spent the day destroying my bedroom and cursing the other grandkids for getting off lucky (Thank God it never happened to any of them, I am the oldest by 8 yrs)

 

Anyway, I contacted our sexual abuse centre here shortly after, and took 12 weeks of group therapy with 6 other women with similar experiences. I had talked of the abuse in the past to choice friends, but nothing offered any support, validation, or understanding like sharing with others who were affected in the same way. One of the greatest things I learned is that I am not alone. None of us are. All the pain and misery and bs I've felt my entire life was felt by others and somehow that knowledge lessened the pain.

 

Knowing that other smart, funny, and warm women don't trust, have self-doubt, have no self-esteem, think the pain will never end, don't give themselves credit, worry about abusing others by default, can't commit, cry, cut, and create daily chaos, is actually helpful! We are not alone

 

Another point I'd like to make in case there's anyone reading this who thinks they'll never see the light at the end of the tunnel, is this. Your experience with childhood sexual abuse DOES NOT DEFINE WHO YOU ARE. Undoubtedly it has altered and shaped the way you behave, what you feel, and how you think, but believe me, those 'ways' can be re-learned, and altered and adjusted back. It just takes hard work and faith. I am not the same person I was 2 yrs ago, definitely not the same messed up girl I was 15 yrs ago, and each day is a testament to surviving and thriving.

 

I just want to say kudos for reaching out and talking, inquiring about chsa. I believe its the first step to take towards healing. Good luck to all of you.

[I dont know how to date]

SherriLi,

yes its possible to not know. My friend wrote poetry for years that didn't really make sense to her. Then eventually while counselling for something else, the regression was realized. Now reading her poetry she is amazed that she felt that way without even knowing the reason, and the words make total sense now.

 

Also, I think my mother is a closet case of childhood sexual abuse because her behaviour, thought patterns and reactions echo mine and are "text book" symptoms.

 

Do you feel unworthy?

Low self-esteem?

Do you have problems trusting, esp. men?

Were you ever promiscuious?

Or on the flip side, are you uncomfortable with physical contact?

Do you have an uneasy feeling around a family member? (trust your gut)

Do you think negatively about yourself?

Do you feel unreasonably guilty a lot?

 

These are just some of the symptoms, and you certainly don't need all of them. A great resource is the book called "The Courage to Heal", about 2 inches thick of figuring out, coping skills, stories and most importantly, positive confirmations.

 

Best of luck, You have the courage and strength you will need on your journey.

[Rosie007]

Hi IDKHTD,

 

How nice to meet another kindred spirit. And may I say I'm so sad to hear you faced similar ordeals. I believe the molestation my father's foster father did to me would classify as an unforgivable act.

 

I hate when people talk about forgiveness. I might be able to understand why some things happen, but I don't believe it's my place to forgive. I think it's my place to remember, and help others who aren't done with the pitfalls that face incest survivors. You know, all the fun promiscuity, sexualizing of relationships, craving physical affection but freezing from it.

 

I know what "To a T" means, but I don't know the origin of the phrase. Is that what you're asking?

 

Cheers,

 

-Rosie

 

p.s. I don't know how to date, either.

[kristar]

Hi

I was sexually abused as a child up intill 5 years ago.

I am surviving and hope to change this negative experience into a positive by helping others. I do have my bad days still and have to except this will never disappear but I can learn how to live with it and handle my bad days.

Counselling helped but people seem to thin k once you have spoke about it, It will disappear and everything will be normal this is the First biggest step that needs to be done to start healing. XX

[Rosie007]

Dear Sweet Kristar,

 

I'm soooo sorry to here you've been hurt. You sound like a brave angel of love, and I wish there was some way I could ease your burdens.

 

It is true that the fact that you were betrayed can't be erased, but it's probably safe to say that the negative impact of abuse that you and I survived will lessen.

 

Please feel free to contact me here at any time if you need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to be there when you celebrate your life.

 

Hugs and best wishes,

 

-Rosie