about a one night stand...can some guys answer plz

[HaloDestroyer]

Nothing is wrong with being a feminist. I just personally have a problem with them.

 

After all, this IS my PERSONAL OPINION.

 

It's not the fact that she slept with him. She is perfectly within her rights to do that. It's the fact that she slept with him the day after coming out of a relationship.

 

You are also right, why shouldn't he keep quiet? I guess that's down to personal respect levels, but I suppose he just had to tell someone how he 'scored', so to speak.

 

She is only bad for sleeping with another guy the day after coming out of a relationship. The act of casual sex does not make her bad by itself.

[Sli]

Sounds like more assumptions I’m afraid, we have no details of what was said or the extent of the “bragging” that took place, just some gossip from a friend of a friend.

 

Look I’ve done some pretty wild things on the spur of the moment in my time so I’m not judging anyone here (or being reduced to name calling), but on the question of respect or disrespect I have to agree with Vert, I was always taught that respect is something that should be earned. Now I’m not saying she did anything wrong, either worthy or not worthy of respect…However they’d known each other for 5 minutes, he owed her nothing. Like I said it is up to her to look after her reputation - not his responsibility

[Vert]

I wouldn't go so far as to make this thread a feminist issue or not, but the facts still remain and Sli hit on them just now -- respect is earned, she slept with him without even knowing him, and now the man is the cad for it? Please. Sure he might be a jerk, but this guy owes her nothing. In fact, if there is no relationship, as some have suggested, then this man REALLY owes her nothing since they weren't dating and aren't in a new relationship because of it. Who can dictate that he can't go talking about it? Again, it takes two to tango.

 

Raykay, I don't know why you insist on the fact that this man owes her respect when you and many others here obviously believe HE isn't owed any respect. I don't have any respect for him, but I certainly don't believe he should have any for a woman that had sex with him like that.

[Minty80]

However they'd known each other for 5 minutes, he owed her nothing. Like I said it is up to her to look after her reputation - not his responsibility, they weren't even friends, they were strangers. If you can't stand the fire you really shouldn't be playing round in the kitchen!

 

How about the idea that all people deserve respect on the basis of them being another human?

 

Obviously she didn't lose respect for him because he had sex with her, so why should he lose respect for her because she had sex with him? Isn't that a bit of a double standard that he should be allowed to disrespect her because she had sex with him that night?

 

I'm of the firm belief that until proven otherwise all people deserve at least the basic amount of courtesy. She did nothing that should have caused him to deny her that. Yet going around and telling people he had sex with her, after she specifically asked him not too, is about as disrespectful as you can get.

 

I just don't get why this guys actions of telling people, after being asked not too, are being in anyway defended. Are you guys who are defending him actually saying that it was okay to treat the OP with so much disrespect?

 

I also don't see how her other relationship really plays into this. We don't know any of the details so isn't it hard to make a fair call on that? I mean really, from the little she wrote it seems like the guy was definitely controlling and possibly borderline abusive, who owes a guy like that anything? To me behaving like that is a case where it is okay to lose respect.

[Minty80]

Raykay, I don't know why you insist on the fact that this man owes her respect when you and many others here obviously believe HE isn't owed any respect. I don't have any respect for him, but I certainly don't believe he should have any for a woman that had sex with him like that.

 

Except he DID something to lose respect, he told co-workers after she specifically asked him not too. In all honesty, had the OP come on here and was upset because she slept with a guy she didn't know and then he wouldn't return her calls I'd have to say (in a nicer way) too darn bad, shouldn't have slept with him and expected a relationship.

 

I don't think it's too much to ask another human being for some common courtesy though, which this guy was defintely lacking.

[RayKay]

 

Raykay, I don't know why you insist on the fact that this man owes her respect when you and many others here obviously believe HE isn't owed any respect. I don't have any respect for him, but I certainly don't believe he should have any for a woman that had sex with him like that.

 

So, should she also have gone around talking about him to his coworkers? Maybe talked about how he was not "all that"? Would that have been fair? I guess by that logic it would of been. And I would NOT agree with that either.

 

I believe she deserves respect because they BOTH played a part in it, they BOTH made the decision. He can feel however he wants about her after, but he does not have to relay the information after she expressly requested he did not tell her coworkers to her coworkers.

 

I believe he was definitely owed respect. She did not in any case disrespect him. In fact I told her the best thing to do was take the high ground and not say a WORD about it. Don't talk about it, don't slander him, do NOTHING. I never said he was not "owed respect" I said he was not being respectful to her. I just said he was not putting himself in a very good light.

 

I have slept with a couple people on the first date, and you know what, we managed to still respect one another..in fact in both cases we ended up in long term relationships - one of them being the very one I am in now, we live together and are planning our future together. Considering he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and we both see each other as the "one", I would say no respect was lost in this case...we BOTH wanted to do it, we both felt it was right, and we proceeded. Just because someone sleeps with someone on the first date does not preclude them from doing it in an adult manner since they BOTH made the decision to proceed.

[RayKay]

Raykay, I don't know why you insist on the fact that this man owes her respect when you and many others here obviously believe HE isn't owed any respect. I don't have any respect for him, but I certainly don't believe he should have any for a woman that had sex with him like that.

 

Except he DID something to lose respect, he told co-workers after she specifically asked him not too. In all honesty, had the OP come on here and was upset because she slept with a guy she didn't know and then he wouldn't return her calls I'd have to say (in a nicer way) too darn bad, shouldn't have slept with him and expected a relationship.

 

I don't think it's too much to ask another human being for some common courtesy though, which this guy was defintely lacking.

 

Precisely! I agree with that post, and the one previous to it you wrote.

 

I also don't see why we are using her past relationship as a reason for her not to get respected. That's like saying "well, she was wearing a skirt so she deserved what she got".

 

Why the double standard - he also chose to sleep with her, why should she be the one not deserving any respect for sleeping with HIM?. Maybe he just got out of a relationship, we don't know. Who knows, maybe he is dating someone else casually. We don't know, but I am giving them both the benefit of the doubt. They BOTH should be respectful and courteous to one another, plain and simple, as they BOTH made the decision to sleep with one another.

 

If the poster was complaining about a guy not returning her calls after sleeping with him right away, I would also say learn the lesson, and you should of been aware of that risk beforehand. The poster is wondering why another human would react that way afterwards as to go around bragging about it, when he KNEW that it could effect her workplace - her superior found out even. Granted there was a risk this would happen which she should of thought of, but that does not excuse him for it.

[Shadows Light]

Websters Diciontionary n 1: someone who is morally reprehensible; "you dirty dog" [syn: bounder, blackguard, dog, hound, heel] Informal. A dishonorable man; a cad.

 

He did act in a dishonorable fashion. Call him a "jerk" or a "CAD" its the same thing. There is no honor in being a braggart.

 

How is it that she gets painted as making a "bad" decision for sleeping with him after, knowing him all of a few hours, and he's just ehhh just being one of the "guy's" and doing the guy thing when he tells his buddy he got a piece of tail last night.

 

Feminists and Chavenists asside. They are two human beings. Male and female. Both looking for some company, for whatever their personal agenda's may be.. for those few hours or uhhh hemmm moments.. they are MALE & FEMALE. Whether they are in a committed relationship or not is not the issue. They are MALE & FEMALE enjoying their sexuality. Its a private moment. Else it'd be done out in public view. And that private moment should remain... private. She had specifically asked him to keep a "TRUST" and he broke it. He disrespected her. Her question was why.

And maybe only he can answer that question. But my assumption would be is that he is not secure enough in himself. He needs to VOICE his manly manness and his prowess to his buddies. So he can appear to be bigger and better. He made a conquest. Makes him out to be the big guy on the block. How many of you guys have heard your friends make these comments... did you ever step up to the plate and say "you know.. that just isn't right, we don't need to hear that..." NONE, I bet. And yes, I have stood up to GF's who make sport of hunting men. I don't want to hear it. They didn't appear to be any bigger and better women than I was by giving me a play by play of the action. Now.. I do have to admit, if I heard my GF's tell me that they just spent the most wonderful night with the most wonderful lover in the world. My hat goes off to them. They didn't name names or go into details.

 

There was a gentleman at my place of business who made his rounds. And he made sure all the "guys" knew who he tagged. It's awful.. its disgraceful...its dishonorable. Now there's a women walking around work and everyone has in the back of their mind that she's the greatest lay ever...and she gives amazing HEAD. YYYIIIPEEEE... how honorable was that????? Us women certainly never got a play by play on how great he was.. what his size and girth was... or whether he was a sprinter or a distance runner. But I don't want to know. I don't care. It should have been kept quiet and between the couple.

 

Honor should be played on both parts. The minute the couple decides to dance its their dance... if they want to make it public knowledge. Its up to them...the both of them. Irregardless of what their past histories are. They are in their own intimate dance. She asked him for "trust" and he broke it.

 

And yes.. she should definitely take the high road at her place of business and not say a word. Gossip is like yesterdays news. Something else is sure to replace it the next day.

 

Original Poster...you didn't do anything wrong. Before, During or After. As for anything you owe the past relationship...that is entirely a personal choice. Its what your conscience tells you.

[Vert]

Let's get this straight before all of the women here continue to rain down on the guy and the men continue to defend him.

 

First of all, I never condoned his behavior nor have I disagreed with anyone that he's a jerk. However, most of the male responses here to the female posts of how this guy did all the wrong and she was the victim is the focus of the topic. All I'm saying is that neither participating parties should EXPECT any respect from anyone, and that whether or not you "deserve" respect is another story. I agree with an earlier poster on this -- respect is earned, IMO, not given. There are men out there, like this guy, that make all of the honest guys out there look bad, and there are women out there that do it just as often. What's the difference? Well, most of the time you never hear about those women because society tells us that men are the sex craved dogs (aka "cads" as shadows so likes to say ) and women are the helpless sheep that are hunted down.

 

I guess what I'm trying to get accross is that yes, the man is a jerk, and yes, the girl is foolish for sleeping with him, BUT that doesn't change the fact that no one here deserves or should expect any respect from this. What's Webster's Defn of a one nighter -- "a brief sexual encounter lasting only for a single night". You think you expect respect from the other person for a "brief encounter"? Sure, it should be there, but expected? Be realistic. Sure I don't know the situation or how they got there, but that doesn't change the fact that people are jerks and people will take without giving. I'm not defending him but rather playing the devil's advocate here since I'd usually agree that a "gentleman never tells". However that doesn't change the fact that the guy has no responsibility to this girl and vice-versa.

[HaloDestroyer]

How about the idea that all people deserve respect on the basis of them being another human?

 

Obviously she didn't lose respect for him because he had sex with her, so why should he lose respect for her because she had sex with him? Isn't that a bit of a double standard that he should be allowed to disrespect her because she had sex with him that night?

 

 

I also don't see how her other relationship really plays into this. We don't know any of the details so isn't it hard to make a fair call on that? I mean really, from the little she wrote it seems like the guy was definitely controlling and possibly borderline abusive, who owes a guy like that anything? To me behaving like that is a case where it is okay to lose respect.

 

A bit contradictory; sleeping with someone else the day after you broke off a relationship is easily as bad as telling your friends about how you 'scored' last night!

 

The issue is, exactly as many people have put it, let it be. She's learned her lesson.

 

But, MY issue was that I'm fed up of some people having double standards, when it comes to what men do v.s. what women do, and namecalling, and so forth. Infact, it's more specific than that, I was sick of the women in this thread having a real go at the guy in this situation, and by default, men in general. I wanted to put accross MY PERSONAL VIEW, which is women are easily as bad as men, always have been, and at best we're equal.

 

thereforeeee, don't use one guy's actions in a single situation to judge him overall, because that's not fair. The girl in this situation acted equally as badly. But also don't judge men overall, because it offends me personally.

 

I like to think we're all different, and I don't expect to be offended as I'm reading the forums, ok?

 

We're both right! Both the man and the woman in this example have possibly acted without respect, and at worst, badly, so they are both to blame.

 

So thanks for everyone who participated, but is this not getting slightly off-topic? Sorry for causing such a fight! I was angry!

[RayKay]

Halo,

 

Did she break it off? Or did he? Or was it off for a while, only finally truly off? I don't know those details.

 

I don't think I personally ever labelled the guy as a jerk overall, I said that his actions afterwards were not very mature on his part. I did not have a real go at the guy, I had a go at his actions based on the information I was provided, pure and simple. I NEVER once labelled all men as the same as him, or critiqued all men.

 

No one ever denied that women do not also mess up. No one judged men overall. On a side point, I am not the one who labelled everyone here "feminists"

 

Nor did I ever apply a double standard. If you read all my posts you would see that I have said she is equally responsible for what occurred, and that if it was the other way around she would be wrong as well.

 

I don't think we are disagreeing on those points, honestly, so I am sorry if somehow I put accross what I said in an offending manner. The fact is though, these are open forums, you will not always like what you read, neither will I. But adults can have a discussion without labels..

 

Despite being a "feminist" by your standards, I love men, I love people, and believe we can all give everyone respect or the benefit of the doubt.

[HaloDestroyer]

I'm not attacking you personally RayKay.

 

I just said I was offended by the way men were initially being attacked in this thread.

 

'Adults' can have discussions without labels? Isn't the word 'Adult' a general label?

 

*Giggles* I'm just messing with ya! But seriously, I didn't like the way the thread was turning out. Everyones' input is valid.

 

But sometimes, some people phrase things in a way as to point the blame at a selected party, without technically doing so. I take offense to that, too.

 

No-one reads threads to be offended. Especially one entitled 'guys please read', or slang to that effect. I thought the poster wanted help, but actually she only wanted a discussion on the flaws of man.

 

Whatever, I respect everyone's opinion. I just had something to say.

[lillady898]

Although I have completely read through this thread- and completely dissagree with many of the points stated- I would like to address the original posters question that was initially asked for advice on.

 

He is being very immature. Regardless of whether or not it was wrong for you to have sex as early as you did (which is ultimately your decision as an adult) after breaking up, he was wrong in boasting about the fact. On the bright side, at least you can be happy that you realized how immature he is now rather than after a few more sexual encounters. You did nothing to intentially hurt anyone. So learn from the experience, and ignore everyones talk. Because that is all it is- Talk. It will be yesterday's news soon enough.

 

 

 

(And quite honestly, I don't undestand how anyone can say the original poster doesn't deserve respect... She came here looking for advice on her situation. Not to hear how wrong she is and doesn't deserve respect. She came for advice. And I think it is wrong to otherwise attack her character for something she has already paying for (and continues to pay for) due to someone else's bragging. I think she is dealing with enough at the moment. I think if everyone put their own perceptions aside, the real question underneath all the seemingly controversial way it was stated, was "Someone is bragging about our sex; How can I deal with it?" We should stop analyzing things as much to where people will fear ridicule and defamation of charater when they ask a compltely personal question looking for guidance. There are ways to be a bit more tactful in the way we say things, rather than saying things such as, "She deserves no respect.")

[Shinobie]

Its just simple there are a lot of jerks out there im glad to say im not one.I know of plenty of women who ran into the jerks in their lifetime.Gotta find some way too move on.

[djedix]

Just remember all the jerks women run into there life, It's always benficial to the nice guy... because when they find the nice guy they will be like "omg hes so great" and love you forever..

[Vert]

Just remember all the jerks women run into there life, It's always benficial to the nice guy... because when they find the nice guy they will be like "omg hes so great" and love you forever..

 

You watch too many movies, dj

[Sli]

Just to also clarify my input or position with regards to this post…

 

1. In the absense of any real details about how any rumour was spread or the extent of the alleged ‘ bragging’ apart from hearsay from a friend of a friend… I do concede that if any person, male or female loudly brags about sleeping with or ‘nailing’ another person to that other person’s group of friends or colleagues with the intent to cause maximum embarrassment to that other person and with complete disregard for any perceived understanding of intimacy they had shared…Then yes that is not a very nice person to be getting intimate with to say the least.

 

2. If the poster had made it completely clear to her ex boyfriend that they no longer had a relationship and it was over, she owes him nothing, she is a free agent and can do as she pleases. If sleeping with another man a day after ending their relationship causes her ex boyfriend additional pain or angst, that is not really her problem, she has broken their bond and agreement to be exclusive and no longer owes him any respect with regard to her fidelity. The only thing he can do is take it on the chin and chose his partner more carefully in future.

 

3. By the same token and with regard to this sexual liaison, no relationship was entered into, no agreements were made beforehand, this was a physical act undertaken with no prior knowledge of the other’s character whatsoever and so with regard to respect for confidentiality it is the ideal but is not owed. The man in question is free to discuss his sex life with whomever he chooses. The only thing that she can do is take it on the chin and choose her sexual partners more carefully in future.

 

4. I do strongly object to the labelling and name calling that some people have used within this post when jumping to wild conclusions about this mans actions based on virtually no facts. To immediately start throwing sexist adjectives about describing this man as a ‘Cad’, ‘Neanderthal’, ‘Pig’, ‘jerk’ or ‘unevolved’ is a gross assumption in my book and shows an acute inability to construct any kind of intellectual debate. This is like a man coming on this board and immediately labelling the poster, as she herself put it a “big drunk s***”, when in fact all she has done is have consensual sex. This kind of sexist name calling or labelling is offensive.

 

 

At the end of the day this is not a life or death issue and as many have said, it will soon be yesterday’s news but people must accept the consequences of their actions, to do otherwise is extremely naïve. I’m just glad she’s ok, after all there are many more potentially disastrous outcomes linked with one night stands that are far more serious than having to put up with some temporary embarrassment, loss of social standing or a dent to the ego.

[RayKay]

=D>

 

Well said Sli, and I agree with all you said 100%.

[HaloDestroyer]

I agree with Sli 75%.

 

Well done all, an outstanding debate!

[combat_barbie]

Well, I left for a while but I guess this thread kind of took off. I'm really amazed by the kind of off topic nonesense that has gone on. As I clarified before I am not having a "go at men" the post was improper it should say some guys not guys.

 

Oposed to what Halo said I had absolutely no intention of starting the topic so I could have a "discussion on the flaws of man". I was wondering what would motivate someone to act in such a disrespectful way. I was wondering why some guys, as in more than girls, feel the need to brag about their conquests.

 

Vert said: She expected to get respect from a guy after giving it up that fast?

 

I think that pretty much hit on my reason for not wanting people to know. Many men and also women think that a women who enjoys sex outside a relationship is somehow less deserving of respect than a man who does. This is a stupid double standard but it exists unfortunately. I wanted to do something that I enjoyed doing another person did the exact same thing. Then why because of their genders did give something up and not deserve respect wheras the guy walks off with pride for what he did?

 

Now maybe I wasn't in a relationship but basic human respect is still deserved. Now ages ago I had a one night stand with some guy and he was horrible. Like absolutely horrible, very "insufficient". Now I was friends with some girls who were friends with him although I was never knew him at all. I even wound up going out with a guy who knew him from his work. Did I ever for a second even consider telling them how horrible he was? No, because thats basic human respect and thats all I ever expected from this guy either. I mean if you ever saw someone in a situation that made them look bad even if you barely knew them I would hope most people would have the decency not to go around gossiping.

 

Also FYI not that it affects the ethics of what I did because I was broken up with my boyfriend anyway. But he hasn't the faintest idea I did anything. I don't brag about who I sleep with. It would probably hurt his feelings but he doesn't know and doesn't need to know because we are broken up.

[Stari]

combat_barbie,

 

After seing you two together at the bar and leaving together; There is no way that your work colleges would not ask him if the two of you were intimate.

 

If his honour prevents him from telling lies, then he will say 'Yes'. He will probably smile while saying 'yes' because he knows that your work colleges will accept him even more into the group of friends. Acceptance, after all, is a fundamental human need.

 

If your friend is female, she (like women on this forum) might interpret anything else than him saying 'it is not of your business' as boasting loudly.

 

If your friend (who told you) was not present when he admitted your nocturnal delights to your work colleges then it is your work colleges that are spreading the news. Their actions could it that case not be blamed on your probationary partner.

[HaloDestroyer]

combat_barbie,

 

Why were you wondering what would cause the man you slept with to act in such a way?!

 

You already know the answer to that question. You were drunk, and he 'nailed' you.

 

I'm sorry this turned into a fight, as I have already said, but I felt offended at the way this thread was turning out.

[annie24]

I don't see what the big deal is that she had sex with someone else 1 day after the breakup. How long are you supposed to wait.... 1 day? 7 days? 2 weeks? 3 months? Is there some kind of equation out there that I don't know about that says what is the "respectable time to wait"? Some kind of equation that takes into account how long you dated, the circumstances of the breakup, and who broke up with whom that dictates that 37.5 days is the appropriate time to start sleeping with someone new?

 

Once it's over, it's over. End of story. She and the ex are free agents and can do as they please. What's the saying....? Don't judge someone until you've walked 1000 miles in their shoes. (And even then, we're not here to judge, just offer advice.)

 

But... back on topic.... I usually tell my friends about "conquests" just because I tell my close friends everything. And, for the ones in long-term relationships, they usually have fun (I think) listening to crazy Vegas stories, or whatever.... Well, that's my response to you why some people brag about their conquests.

 

Don't worry - you are the subject of their gossip. It's flattering, in a way. They think that you're cool enough for them to be discussing your personal life. Like Brad Pitt and Jen Aniston.... people are talking about celebrities all the time, but honestly, who really knows what is going on except the people in the relationship?

 

I bet your co-workers have forgotten about it by now... if they haven't, they need to find lives of their own

 

good luck!

[HaloDestroyer]

Uhm... we went through this...

 

The whole.. 'relationship' after the break-up?

[annie24]

Uhm... we went through this...

 

The whole.. 'relationship' after the break-up?

 

What relationship!?!? It's over! That's the whole purpose of a breakup! That's saying, "our relationship is over."

 

Sure, you may still have feelings for someone after a breakup, but are you supposed to wait until your ex is over you until you date someone new? I mean, there are people here who have been broken up with for months and are still not over their ex. Should the ex be waiting to date someone new until the dumpee feels ready? That's the silliest thing I've heard.

 

Really, this is a serious question. For those of you that think it's not appropriate to sleep with someone 1 day after the breakup, when is the right time then? 2 days? 3 days? 16 days? 1.5 months? What's the difference if they start sleeping with someone new 1 day after the breakup or 17 days after the breakup. The bottom line is that the relationship is over.

 

What if her ex was cheating on her for the last 5 months with a girl named Twirly and that's why she broke up with him? Isn't sleeping with someone new the next day fair?