Hi I am new here... and hope i came to the right place

[vulnerable]

Hello please call me May. I have been with my bf for almost 3 yrs. Last January, I recd a call from his ex gf telling me that they never really broke up. To make this long story short, he has been living a double life for two years, now six months later, and yes, stupid me, I took him back in hopes that things are going to get better and people change and we will try to make things work. Things did get better but really just from what I have said, I am already the BIG LOSER here. But I love this man so much, I will do any thing to continue and work things out but I am getting tired because ever since January, I found other things from snooping around, I found emails and personal profiles online. I also found phone calls and text messages. One incident I called the girl and she said they'r e just friends. This time I suspect that something is up again. I looked on his phone calls and found this other number and it's a girl again, he swears there is nothing going on. He swears that he is not having an affair, and that I can call that number again if I want to. While out shopping together this weekend for our new place next month, we had a huge talk in the store, I sat him down and refused to go anywhere until he tells me every thing. He swore once again, NOTHING, but why is it that part of me just cannot believe him. I don't know what to do any more. Should I call this new number again? Why do I have to go through this every time? I cannot understand my self any more. Sometimes I just feel like walking away but I feel so damn guilty… over what?? I don't even know. Is this love or just plain stupidity? Please advise, I am ready to just pack my bags and give up every thing I have and start anew in a new city since our new place is just going to be down the street from where I live now. If I don't move in with him, we'll be neighbors and I don't think I can deal with that? I don't want to spy on him nor worry and feel guilty and love him all at the same time. I am really having a hard time. I can't tell any one about this because I feel ashamed of every thing. He keeps saying that I shouldn't feel this way because we are moving in. Am I just being paranoid? Should I call this number but I am afraid things might get worse if so?? Please help.. . I am going crazy, I cannot take this anymore… thank you for your comments…

[Tigris]

It sounds to me that you already know the answer to your question but refuse to believe it!

 

This person is making your life a misery. It's obvious that you don't trust him. If he's cheated on you before then it's obvious that at some point he'll cheat again. He's saying that you're wrong about him, so now you're doubting yourself. It sounds to me like he's playing mind games.

 

My advice is find yourself someone new.

 

Good luck and take care.

[chai714]

Don't call the number. You're not a PI and should not have to call anyone. If you called, what would that solve?

 

It's normal that you don't trust him. Afterall, his trust was broken long ago. According to my own theory, there are 2 levels of trust:

 

1st Level (highest level of trust): No lies have ever been confirmed, thus you give the person of interest 100% of your trust.

 

2nd Level: Lies or deceit has occurred in the past. Over time, trust has been built back up to very high levels, but you'll always have moments of doubt in the back of your mind - either consciously or unconsciously.

 

You playing PI with your boyfriend will not solve your problems. I wish I could tell you, "if he cheats again, leave him." That would be too easy for me to say, and far to difficult for you to listen and actually do. Right now though, you're condoning his behavior. Basically, you're saying, "you can see other girls and it makes me feel horrible and insecure, but I'll stay with you anyways."

 

In the future, implement a zero tolerance policy. Schools and businesses do it, so why shouldn't you? It's highly effective as you can see. The "one strike and you're out" attitude, followed by action is very powerful. As for right now, either plan on working things out with him or leaving him. You can't have one foot out the door and the other in though - it will not work.

[Laura1607307275]

Please do not blame yourself for this, it is NOT your fault. Trust is a very hard thing to build up again once broken, and i think that it could take a long time to build it up again if you stayed with him. You would always be wondering where he is and who he is with and what he is up to. In my opinion, you should leave. He obviously doesn't respect you if he has lied to you for this long, and will more than likely cheat again. Don't call the number. Don't listen to anymore lies or explanations. Just get out and eventually you will find someone new. Someone you loves YOU and ONLY you. Don't let this one bad experience ruin any chances of future happiness, there really are lots of good ones out there, its just unfortunate you fell for a bad one.