Should the ex attend the funeral?

[queenofvalidation]

Hi,

My ex-husband's dad recently passed away. He was also our daughter's grandpa whom she loved dearly. I was never very close to him & hanging out with the ex-in-laws in mourning at the funeral would have been awkward for me, not to mention miserable. I am finally emotionally stable after the divorce/breakup with my ex after alot of pain, tears heartache and suffering (divorce is such an emotionally draining ordeal, isn't it?). My 14 yo daughter is upset with me & thinks I don't care because I didn't go. She is loved & very well received by the entire family. I on the other hand feel like an outsider now that we are divorced.

 

Was I wrong not to go?

[avman]

If you were never close before, then I don't see why you should go to the funeral. It is different for your daughter, after all he was her grandpa. But you will need to just explain to your daughter that your ex in-laws are no longer part of your family although they are a part of hers. It will be very confusing to her as a teen so have a thick skin. But I think what you did was totally acceptable.

[salmonhead_uk]

No, no way. You did what you felt you had to do. In fact that was the best thing to do - you don't want to be at a funeral knowing you should be thinking about someone elses pain but instead just feeling insecure and then ending up thinking you are selfish. You didn't stop your daughter going - so there is no problem.

I haven't been divorced - thank god - but i have been cheated on and dumped and when i see my boyfriends family it is a total trial. I feel awful and I can't even imagine what it would feel like to have a daughter with someone and then lose that persons father -- you have no choice but to remember him all the time etc.

So back to point, I think you made the right decision. It was what you had to do. You didn't ruin the funeral, you didn't deny your daughter the right to go, and to be honest in most circumstances any excuse not to go to a funeral is a good one - you can feel terrible for a death but funerals sometimes seem to just add more pain.

I really do think you were right. And it's done now so cannot be changed. You have obviously suffered enough with the divorce, why put yourself in to further self-conflict worrying about whether your choices are right - if they are right for you then so be it. At 14 your daughter will not necessarily understand your situation - but I can almost guarantee that one day she will understand it - at 14 you can't relate to the pain of losing a whole family (your ex's) and feeling crippled without them. But she will. Just try to be there for her, realise that she may put some of her grief on you, and that obv the divorce will have affected her. As I'm sure you know (dont mean to sound patronising). Try your hardest not to take too much to heart her actions towards you during her teenage years - the things I used to say and do to my Mother - phew man - but we are the best of friends now, as I think you two will be.

Hold your head up - you stopped yourself feeling bad, you stopped your ex and his family having another thing to think about on top of their grief, and you still have the emotional where-with-all to feel worried you made the wrong decision. You're a good person, and you don't need to question your actions on this one.

xx

[lookingforclosure5]

Well, I have always thought that the funeral was a place for love and support of the family and friends of the one that has passed. The fact that you were not close with the man really has no significance here, you would have attended the funeral in support and comfort of your daughter who was mourning the loss of her grandfather. Perhaps you can find the strength in you to attend merely for the sake of your daughter and her beloved grandfather?