I hate my life....

[StuckwivLife1607306436]

This message is one of the desperate last attempts I can think of to help improve my life

 

I have been suffering from depression for a good 5 years now and feel Im just getting close to being permantley stuck with it..... which I can only take so much more of....

 

It all started after my first relationship at a slightly later than average age of 19. It did not last very long (3 months) but it gave me an insight into what I was missing out on.

 

I had only just started going out to pubs and clubs at 18 and had no friends previous to that, even though I have not had any proper friends since then as they have been more like just people I go out with.

 

On my first relationship coming to an end I was devasted and had a bad couple of years following the breakup. On top of that I suffered with spots, pale complexion and unhappy about my nose (bump on the bridge) and teeth (slightly crooked) and a job I really hated.

 

Then I met someone who I went out with for nearly two years but it was very up and down as her ex was always on the scene confusing her and causing trouble, he didn't want her back but didn't like her being with me. Even her parents turned against me. After the break up it was obvious that she was just as bad a person.

 

That ended 2 years ago and since then I have got worse and worse. I am still on anti-depressents and have tried group therapy, seen a few counsellors and even tried hypnosis - none have worked.

 

All this pushed me to getting cosmetic surgery on my nose to straighten it which I am now happy with. My spots and complexion have improved from drinking more water and with age (mid 20's now) and the occasional sunbed.

 

But there is nothing in my life. I go to work (electronic engineering) which I don't particualry enjoy, get home about 5pm and go straight to bed. I abuse sleep by using it to escape life - if I sleep I'm unconscious - so I escape being depressed and worried about my life - until I wake which is the bit I hate.

 

It's kind of like a temporary suicide - being unconscious which could well be what death is like? - but then coming back to life when I awake.

 

This happens from Monday to Friday. Come the weekend I can get very worried and stressed as I like to go out to pubs or clubs and always 'binge drink'. Drinking and going out is a break from being stuck in all week and also gives me a bit more confidence.

 

If I don't go out I end up getting even more depressed and try to sleep away my weekend. Then its back to work Monday to Friday with sleep in the evenings hoping that I will be able to go out the weekend coming.

 

I wouldn't go out on my own, I only go out with my 'mates'. I have to follow them as they're never interested in anything I want to do. So if none of them are out, then nor am I. The fact that nearly all of them are in a relationship makes going out even less likely. The ones who aren't in a relationship dont tend to be interested in going out anyway.

 

So how have all these experiences left me feeling? Very low and depressed. No motivation - even paying a bill, tidying my room, cleaning my car or looking after myself - is something I have no enthusiasm of doing anymore. No confidence what so ever - I feel everyone is better than me in some way or another and that I am the odd one out.

 

When I was in a relationship and had more of a social life I felt alot better, so for the past few years I have based my life on trying getting to get this back - with no success, only more put downs and failures. I have even thought of moving away and trying to get a new job, but I cannot find any job that appeals to me and with such low confidence it seems such a daunting task.

 

I am stuck in this horrible, depressing rut and don't know what to do anymore.... but desperate to get out of feeling and being this way.

[littlegrl87]

hey there! i'm very sorry to hear about your deppression. i think what u need to do is go out there and get involved in something. such as a sport, a book club, or anything else that interests you. this would be a good way for u to get to know people, have fun, do something u enjoy, and maybe forget about all of the stress in your life. i know its not the same, but i can relate to u in some way. last year, i had no self-confidence. i was never happy. whenever i would see people talking or whispering i would think that it had to be about me and i took everything personally. i just would worry about everything and i got so stressed. it was awefull going day to day like that so i can't even imagine how u do it. this year i am much more happy. i think i am more outgoing. i've gotten involved in clubs and sports that i have fun in and i talk to people. i just strike up a convo even if i don't know the person, it's fun and then u have a new friend. about your job, try to think of things/jobs that u would have fun doing and try to get one. i think u should stop the drinking and sleeping as a way to escape your problems. they never go away if u do that and it is the worst feeling to wake up knowing that u have to face your problems all over again. stay awake and sober and get your life back together! i hope this helps u! i'll be thinking about u! bbye!

[JustAnotherFriend]

Please try to understand that Life if God's gift and we should make the most of it. The problem here is that you are living a life which is self-oriented and hence is unsatisfying. Try living f or others and see what a difference it makes. One day, instead of drinking to kill your time, spend your time and money on someone who needs you. Soon, you will find a lot of people depending on your love and support to exist and then you wont find your life that meaningless after all. A romance with someone you find special is not the only form of a satisfying relationship. Think about establishing the basic human relationship and bringing people out of trouble through whatever simple way you can. That is the best and most satisfying reason anyone can live for.

All the very best !

[izabel]

hey listen buddy i understand ur feelings.. but for whom u wanna be dipressed for , if u think in reality life is a short span of time and it will not be very long.u better enjoy ur life as ur in a age where u can do loads of things comon come out of ur weird boring life and have a change have a haircut, wear great clothes and catch new cool people as friends, dear the world is not a small corner it has many things to be explored and and sort after.. and its a ocean full of mysteries, listen u go ahead with yur in a positive thinking and say to urself iam gonna do it the way i like!

hey go search the world and urself dont hide plz..

[AKAJohnDoe]

Try Saint John's Wart.

 

I was justing sitting getting teary eyed over my ex girl of 1 mo now and I drop a St. John's Wart and a half hour later I started feeling a whole lot better. It is a natural supplement and can be found anywhere I believe. Good luck and cheer up man nothing lasts for ever, especially depression. 5 years in a lifespan of 90 is a small price to pay, if you look at the long haul.

[neenuno]

When i read your posting i thought that i wrote it to explain how I feel. I am interested in helping you becuase you are like me. I hope that I can grow to inderstand someone else because of my critical eye, perhap gaining insight to myself.

 

Tonihgt i went to a bar, met my husband and his friends. They always welcome me, we are all in the computer industry. I can ususal keep up with them in tech conversation but since i lost my job they seem very disinterested in my opinion; maybe it is my unatural state of paranoia.

 

Our conversation turned into a discussion of war and politics, sent my head spinning. I am so concerned about everything around me and going on in the world that i could not explain anything. plus being the only woman at the table did not help.

 

eventually i sat there, cradled my head and eventually got the strentgh to stand and leave. I simple said well I'm gonna go, bye. I cannot help wonder what they think of me. I am too drunk and yet i drink alone, but i am more comfortable. i hate this.

 

everyday is not like this. i usually sleep to overcome my fears. the most funny thing is that i am getting more and more confused about which is reality: dreams or life.

 

i have never sought help or therapy. i have been so controlling of my emotions that i know i am going to have a breakdown. every time i drink a little too much i have a mini one, walking out and leaving, running.

 

i need to stop as much as you do. i once considered myself safe anywhere i went. irony, now i am in the most stable environment ever and i cannot be happy: i am being self destructive, loathing, anxious and incomplete. i lack something in myself to perpetuate my life. i love my husband and he is tolerant of my behavior but i long for understanding.

 

i hope that you grow stronger against the anger. i know that it might be the only thing to save me/you. we all deserve to feel good about our lives

 

wishing you power

[david_sp1607306449]

Dear StuckwivLife,

 

I know it's never easy, I know it first hand. I only have one thing to tell you, change your life and do it as soon as possible. I know you would say it is not possible, but it is. You still go out of home, you go to work, you do lots of things and you don't realize you still have the power to control our life. It's an act of will, nothing more.

 

I have been for 25 years in a situation similar to yours. At the end, I broke. My mind, my heart, myself... all destroyed. And there's no relief on it.

 

Start your new life not with words, but with actions. It is only too late if you don't start now. So... take your ass off your seat and get moving. Go out and make the world your playground. Nothing is more powerful than your will to change.

 

Love, David.

[SeaninSeattle]

Hey Stuckwiflife -

 

I've only had one period in my life where I was sleeping to avoid depression (ie - that the depression was so bad, that it was only when I was asleep I was 'happy'). At that time, I was unemployed, my girlfriend dumped me and I had only one friend - who was not returning my calls.

 

But you know what happened? I ended up getting a job I could tolerate long enough to get myself into graduate school - and worked for 10.5 years for a company that had me travel around the world, and rebuild their infrastructure - learing new IT skills on the way (yes, I know it's a run-on sentence...). Then I owned a 35 foot sailboat, dated a bunch of nice women - and things looked great....

 

Until July - when my boss decided to outsource all our IT assets to another firm - and I lost my job. Now I'm stuck trying to look for a new one (and I don't want to go back to IT as there is a huge slump here at the moment - but where I wish to go - urban planning - I also have no/little experience at) - and I'm getting depressed (hence coming to this board).

 

My point is this: You DO NOT KNOW what will happen next - good or bad. Consider yourself in a dark room - looking for the light switch. You can get angry, depressed, upset, etc -- but the point is that you KNOW the switch is there - you just have to find it.

 

So is your life right now - you just have to hang on, and believe that you'll come accross happier days again. Believe me - I only have 4 weeks of unemployment benefits left before I'm in real trouble - so I have to take the same advice.

 

Also - I want to thank you - for I had forgotten about those days so long ago (it actually brings a tear to my eye when I think of how I felt then). I just need to look back at all the good times since, to realize that there are good times ahead also.

 

Just do what I do when you're annoyed/worried - just shrug, smile and say "...One day this will all seem funny...". It's true - it will - I promise.

 

Good luck -

 

//sse