My observation on Internet Dating

[Puddin]

A few months ago I signed up for an internet dating site and have met so many people. The first few weeks of my ad, I had over 60 responses

 

Here's what I found:

 

1) Out of the area responses - mostly people who want to do the one-handed typing/phone sex thing. Hey, not that there's anything wrong with that but it depends upon what your looking for. Personally it seems a bit shallow and boring to me.

 

They are usually outed right away because they want to know my bra size, favorite sexual position, etc. It typically is crystal clear.

 

2) In the area responses - Some of them just want a hookup and others seem to really be looking for that special person to spend time with and possibly build a relationship.

 

Typically I will talk to them on-line for a bit and see how communicative they are. The less communicative they are, the more they tend to be looking for just sex. Again, not a bad thing if that's what you want.

 

If there seems to be a connection and a free flow of information, I may give them my cell number and talk on the phone. You can glean a lot of information just by hearing a voice and listening to what they have to say. Are they interested in you as a person? Are you interested in them as a person?

 

If you are both interested, you can set up a coffee date. Good venue because if there's no connection in person, it's easy to just say so and part as friends. It's also safe to be in a public place, etc.

 

I've met some nice guys on-line and I've met some stinkers as well. It's really not all that different than meeting people elsewhere. Some people your going to connect with and others....... well, it can be quite uncomfortable.

 

Dive in and try it but use common sense and be smart about your safety - enjoy

[TiredMan]

Personally, I don't really believe in finding a "soulmate" or "relationship" on an internet dating service because you are sharing all the big information before ever meeting the person. It's like doing it backwards. Now, if you are looking for a fling or even a buddy, then I guess it's ok.

[Puddin]

Personally, I don't really believe in finding a "soulmate" or "relationship" on an internet dating service because you are sharing all the big information before ever meeting the person. It's like doing it backwards. Now, if you are looking for a fling or even a buddy, then I guess it's ok.

 

Tiredman, I see what your saying and I don't know if I believe in "soul mates" per se either.

 

What I like about meeting possible partners on the Internet is that you can actually get to know a person first rather than being too caught up in their appearance. Looks are very important but for me, if there is no intellectual connection, the rest will not fall into place. It's very interesting to take that out of the equation and see where it takes you.

 

Right now I'm dating two guys that I met and both are very nice. I look forward to getting to know them more IRL. FWIW, this is not for everyone, that's for sure.

[OceanEyes]

I only tried the whole internet dating thing once, and it was mainly out of curiosity when it first became popular.

 

A lot of the replies I got were from either older men of around 40-50, or foreign men offering to fly me to distant places for sex. I'm serious! There was only a small handful of men that I would have considered dating, and even less after having phone conversations with them (girls, you can tell everything you need to know about a man from how he is on the phone).

 

I only agreed to meet two guys, out of about 100 I corresponded with. The first guy was totally awesome, but there wasn't really much chemistry and he came from a totally different background/ upbringing than me (he was Jewish upper class, I was raised Protestant middle class). The second guy was also a lot of fun, was a physician and older than me (I'm 25, him 36). I actually really liked him until he started sending me obscene e-mails every day. Let's just say that it didn't go further than 4 dates.

 

The biggest suggestion I can give to women who want to try out the internet dating scene, is to be completely honest about what you're there for, and never seriously consider a guy who hasn't even taken the time to read your profile. If you're there because you want to meet someone special, say so in the first line of your profile - you'll filter out the pervs (well, some of them anyway). If and when you decide to give a guy your number, pay very close attention to the vibes he gives you over the phone - your gut reaction to his voice and attitude are usually spot on.

 

Good luck, and be careful!

[TiredMan]

 

Tiredman, I see what your saying and I don't know if I believe in "soul mates" per se either.

 

What I like about meeting possible partners on the Internet is that you can actually get to know a person first rather than being too caught up in their appearance. Looks are very important but for me, if there is no intellectual connection, the rest will not fall into place. It's very interesting to take that out of the equation and see where it takes you.

 

Right now I'm dating two guys that I met and both are very nice. I look forward to getting to know them more IRL. FWIW, this is not for everyone, that's for sure.

 

Like I said, I think it's backwards. It's not about the looks part. But you can tell a lot about a person when staring them in their eyes. I always had that gift. I can tell when someone is lying or faking something.

 

I think I have met one person online but years ago. I think I was 19 or so. And it just led to sex. I'm a believer in soulmates but I don't think it's possible to find that online. You might connect with someone but usually it will be someone not very nearby and then opens up another problem.

[sandman47]

I agree about there being lots of people looking for hookups on the internet. That's fine and good. But finding true love, or anything close to it is difficult. At least for me it is. The 'net is another option for meeting people. For someone like myself who's the proverbial quiet guy in the corner it's another way to talk to others you wouldn't normally meet IRL.

 

Thing is I've seen people like me (capital I Introverts) have this entirely different personna online. It's like they flick on their switch to become this super-extrovert when on their favorite sites. That attracts interest from others, which in turn starts private conversations, which in turn gives way to friendships and even romances. Cool. That is if you can do that.

 

With me however there is no separate online personality. I really thought it strange when in college a business prof told about the need to have a business personality and one for your off-hours. I've always thought that such a thing was the height of dishonesty. I am who I am, whether it be online or IRL 100% of the time. What you see is what you get. That puts a lot of people off. But I make no apologies, none whatsoever.

 

So even online that quickly narrows down the pool of potential love interests. Even online it seems one must play these mating ritual games.

[RayKay]

Well, I met my soulmate online. There are chances I may have met him anyway, since turned out we competed at same events, and had some friends in common but...online sped it up I guess.

 

It happens, I know others who have too.

 

It all depends on your approach. I don't spend weeks trading "big information"...just some basic information is traded, and then I meet if we are both interested within a week. None of that building up of expectations can happen. We either click in real life or don't, at which point we either move on, or go on more dates.

 

The point is not to build a relationship ONLINE, just to connect with people, then take it into the real world and see how that works. I made sure to meet early, otherwise if we did not click in real life, what was the point?

 

Honestly, before I met my bf, we both felt "maybe we'll be friends" as we shared interests. Neither of us worked up too much about it, or thought it would change our lives, or hoped it would be amazing..honestly our expectations were low. But it was a life changing evening, without question, for both of us

[BellaDonna]

A lot of the replies I got were from either older men of around 40-50, or foreign men offering to fly me to distant places for sex. I'm serious!

 

The second guy was also a lot of fun, was a physician and older than me (I'm 25, him 36). I actually really liked him until he started sending me obscene e-mails every day. Let's just say that it didn't go further than 4 dates.

 

OMG you poor thing! Sorry you had those experiences, but I must say, the way you describe them is quite funny. I do think you're more likely to meet someone socially inept or perverse online, because there are many people who use it as a sexual resource. But I guess you could meet losers like that in the "real" dating scene too- at a any night club.

 

I think they key in any dating situation is be clear on what you want- don't offer up too much info too early, but do be very direct on whether you are looking for just sex or potentially a relationship.

 

I have a lot of single friends that use internet dating sites, with no luck so far. I also know that it has become more common if you meet someone face to face at a club, that they try to give you their e-mail address or screenname, and not just their phone number anymore. I'd advise against "getting to know" someone via chat or the internet- face to face- or at least phone is always better because it's less of a fantasy world.

 

To use the internet as a connection point is fine, but I think it gets tricky when you try to develop a relationship online.

 

BellaDonna

[studygirl]

Although I personally have never been on an online dating site, I think there is nothing wrong with it, and there is definitely a possibility that you will meet someone that connects with you. I don't discount any possibilities - I think that we should all keep our options and minds open. WHERE you meet the person is not such an issue - you can meet sleazy people ANYWHERE. I think people get too caught up on that, "you can't meet good guys at bars/clubs/online/etc". I go to bars/clubs/online, and I think I am a good person, so I don't believe in automatically assuming everyone is out for the wrong reasons.

 

Sure, you will meet guys who just want to have sex online, but you will also meet guys like that at school/work/coffee shops/grocery stores/etc. My last boyfriend I met at school, thought was amazing, and he ended up cheating on me and being very different from what I thought. That doesn't mean that I should assume everyone I meet at school will do the same thing to me, right? So anyways, I am just trying to say that the issues should be WHO you meet, not WHERE you meet them.

[Luciana]

I agree with Studygirl and the others that online dating can be an effective and fast way to connect to people. You can also avoid wasting time by selecting certain things that are important to you, like age, height, interests, location, children or none, etc.

 

Of course you will find bad guys and good guys anywhere, even in church (the hypocrites). Just use your common sense and go slowly. Feel the person, meet them in public places, follow your instincts (and tell someone you know where you will be on a new date-and have your cell phone with you).

 

There are obviously signs of men who just want sex. One is not wanting to talk much-but meet you right away. Another is directing the conversation towards sex too soon, the other one is not being available, etc. The married ones do not take long to figure out: just try setting up a date on Sunday-or Saturday nights-actually my favorite day for dates because there is no rush.

 

So I am strongly in favor. It can be hard for some people to meet people at work or at parties.

[djedix]

I think it helps alot of people who are shy, or with low selfesteem beable to meet and connect to people. And it's the age of instant everything, so Instant meeting people and dating is here... You wont get a relationship out of it if you play it that way, but it's a new option, and i can see it becoming more and more popular with the younger teens and such with myspace, and whatever else they use.

 

It's kinda like advertising yourself... without you doing much but making a simple profile

[CinnamonGirl]

I tried the internet dating thing. Woh.

 

I dont recommend it personally. And that is just what I think, others may see it as a positive blessing.

 

I myself was just blindsided by a manipulative abusive chameleon looking for someone to guide him through his custody battle and look like a trophy to his ex.

 

I love the internet, but I love my life and my future more. If you really do need to find someone, pick a place on the map near you *that isnt too far*. Find fun things to do around there and things you are truly interested in. Someone fabulous is bound to show up. Fabulous people, fabulous places.

 

Some people do meet great people in bars, but it isn't quite likely. Me thinks.

[OceanEyes]

OMG you poor thing! Sorry you had those experiences, but I must say, the way you describe them is quite funny. I do think you're more likely to meet someone socially inept or perverse online, because there are many people who use it as a sexual resource. But I guess you could meet losers like that in the "real" dating scene too- at a any night club.

 

This is very true. You are just as likely to meet some type of deviant at a bar or a coffee shop as you are online, but it's much easier to blow a guy off online than in real life.

 

I guess what's most troubling to me, is that it's tough get a sense of who a guy really is without actually observing his body language and getting those extra-important 'vibes' from him that you have the advantage of doing in person. Some men refer to this instinct as "women acting on emotions". I refer to it as a special quality and highly reliable skill that helps us pick the right men. Of course there are a few who will fly under the radar, but most of the time all it takes is talking to a guy to know whether or not you really like him and what he's about. If you don't know what I mean, just think of the last time that a seemingly normal guy gave you "the creeps".

[Borashi]

Internet dating to me seems to be for desperate people or predators. I just don't see how you can spark the same connection on the internet than from inside a mall or gym or grocery store or sidewalk when you first see each other and then sense the chemistry. On the internet anyone can makeup anything about themselves and a lot of people would believe it because on the internet its easy to manipulate someone.

[RayKay]

Internet dating to me seems to be for desperate people or predators. I just don't see how you can spark the same connection on the internet than from inside a mall or gym or grocery store or sidewalk when you first see each other and then sense the chemistry. On the internet anyone can makeup anything about themselves and a lot of people would believe it because on the internet its easy to manipulate someone.

 

In that same vein, its surprisingly "easy" to manipulate someone in real life. What else explains the people who end up with cheaters, women whom are selfish & verbally abusive and so on you see often around here?

 

Again, the point on "online dating" is NOT to date ONLINE, it is to "meet" then meet soon enough in real life that you can tell if their is chemistry.

 

People make up things on and off line. The people who are treating it seriously, and honestly want a true relationship however will be just as honest online as they are in real life.

 

As you get older, and your life gets busier, it gets harder to just socialize and meet people here and there, especially since people tend to be attached more the older you get, and married or in long term relationships. Online is just another venue...and better than the bars or in my opinion even the gym - I go to the gym to workout, not to worry about looking my best to pick someone up or be talking and socializing!

 

There is more to chemistry than visual, and nothing about online in itself necessarily precludes that.

 

You will find that there are far more normal people online, then predators or "desperate singles".

[Puddin]

RayKay, I definitely agree there. I've met some nice people on-line and I've met some stinkers - same goes for meeting people "IRL". It's pretty clear right away (generally speaking) which category people fall into.

 

I like to get to know them briefly online and then graduate to the coffee date as soon as possible. I really have to wonder about a person that finds it engaging to talk to you about all sorts of things forever and doesnt want to take the next step and meet in person. So far, the people I've met have been who they say they are and didnt post someone elses picture. Whether there was a connection in person, is a whole other story.

 

BTW, I'm a confident woman with a healthy self-esteem and attractive. I just don't find many opportunities to meet guys around my age who are ready for a relationship.

[Borashi]

I agree there might be a lot of wonderful single people online looking to get into a LT relationship or date. But to me I believe in randomness, meeting a person by chance is a lot more exciting, than seeking someone out so to speak. Life does get busier as you get older, but at the same time if you are out doing a lot of different things than more opportunities should present themselves to meet people.

[RayKay]

I agree there might be a lot of wonderful single people online looking to get into a LT relationship or date. But to me I believe in randomness, meeting a person by chance is a lot more exciting, than seeking someone out so to speak. Life does get busier as you get older, but at the same time if you are out doing a lot of different things than more opportunities should present themselves to meet people.

 

You would think, wouldn't you?

 

I work in a small office, with no singles. I am VERY involved in mountain and road biking and racing, to extent I sit on a committee, organize races, act as an official AND race! I have a great circle of friends, family. I took classes, both education wise, and recreational like dancing, or what have you. However, it turns out that those whom are NOT attached, always were not the ones I meshed with! I know plenty of very busy, exciting 30, 20 and 50 year olds who are "out there" yet have problems meeting people.

 

 

I met my partner online. He was someone I *could* of met in real life, turned out we raced at many same events, but we always missed one another.

 

Sometimes fate, it needs a nudge to get started. The internet exposes you to a wider variety of people you might never get chance to meet otherwise, but one of them just might be the one for you. A lot of them won't be. Some might end up being casual acquaintances. Some might be short term or long term. Some end up in marriage and forever.

 

It just seems silly to discount one venue entirely. It's fine if it is not for you, but it seems odd to label people as desperate or something for being on there, or laughing at them for not being able to find anyone in real life. Everyone has different circumstances, and for some people, online just works out perfect for them in the end.

[Puddin]

Raykay, I couldnt agree more (again) LOL.

 

I'm active, have a lot of different interests and meet people all the time but the thing is that being 42, most of the people I come into contact with are married or in a LT relationship.

 

The guy that I'm dating right now runs in some of the same circles, lives in the area. Heck! He works right next to my Doctor's office. I'm amazed that I havent met him before the internet dating site ad.

[SexySadie7]

Sometimes you can tell ALOT about someone by their phone conversations, but not always.

I met this guy IRL and because we had different schedules and lived pretty far away, we spent alot of time on the phone together right off the bat, literally hours & hours. I thought he was a PERFECT GENTLEMAN at first, he seemed so very considerate and kind hearted..

Only after we started to hang out together did he start to reveal his true nature.. and believe me.. he was not a GENTLEMAN at all... he turned out to be this total player and manipulator... not to mention having a penchant for all kinds of sexual deviant behavior... definitely not my kind of guy.. but i wouldn't have found that out if I hadn't spent time with him in person.

Nothing like hanging out with someone in IRL, it's the acid test.. and yes.. you don't know how they will treat you or act toward others unless you spend time together.

I've not had much success with online dating.. problem is.. i can't afford the sites that require you to pay a monthly fee just to respond to letter to you.. Can anyone suggest a good one that waives the fee? I just don't have the extra $$ right now.

[sandman47]

link removed is a free site with lots of users. It's a nice place to start.