Want to tell ex what I'm feeling, w/o being pathetic

[LonelyConfused]

I've never really done anything like this before and I hope it helps. My ex and I broke up because we were fighting too much lately. We were best friends for about 5 years and dating for a year. We have both had a lot of things happen to us in the past 6 months, family sickness, death, loss of job, and debt. It hasn't been easy, but we both managed to get through it. We have broken up twice before, but they were breaks, we took a day off from each other and then hung out again. Two weeks ago we broke up and he broke up with me, saying that he just needed his space(he did this over the phone). We didnt talk for 2 days and when he did call me everything was fine and we let two more days go by before we hung out, we hung out two days in a row and not again for four, and then two days in a row again. Now I haven't seen him in four days because he went to visit his parents(they live in another state). This is very weird since for the past 6 years we have seen each other every day, we have taken our vacations together and everything. We were supposed to hang out but he called me at the last minute to say that he was given free tickets to a baseball game and he was going with a friend of his(i love baseball and we used to go to games together all the time). So I was disappointed, but I told him to call me when it was over. The game ended around 9:30, and I still hadn't heard from him at midnight. I called him and he couldn't even spend 5 minutes on the phone with me, he started yelling at me that I do this all the time and I must sit at home and wait to call him and ruin his whole night. I told him that I just want the respect that he used to give me even as friends. He has been late calling me back before, or just hasn't using the excuse he was too tired (but he doesnt work, just hangs out with his friends). So basically last night I told him that if he didn't call me back, that I never wanted to speak to him again. So 3 hours later he called me back to say that his friends were still over and he would call me in a little while and I said fine, n then he called me two hours later(much drunker than he was earlier and both of us were exhausted) and he wanted to know why I am so upset and why we can't just take some time away. I told him I didn't want to talk then and to call me in the morning. He said that he wants to make me dinner tonight and I said I have to think about it. He was my best friend and normally the person I would go to when I was upset and I want to be able to tell him everything I'm feeling, but I don't want him to think I'm pathetic. And honestly sometimes I do feel kind of pathetic.

 

Is it possible to tell your ex how upset you are without sounding pathetic???

[kellbell]

Oh, I know exactly where you are coming from. The feelings of being "pathetic" and not strong. Then you hate yourself for not talking to him and hate yourself even more for giving in.

Trust me, what you are going through and how you are feeling is normal and common.

I think the best way to show your ex that you are upset without being or sounding pathetic is putting him on ice, meaning NC. When he calls, don't answer. If he texts you, don't respond or if you do, tell him your busy even if you are not. You have given him too much control, take some back. Putting him on ice is not being mean or bit*chy, it's simply stating that you won't tolerate being treated in such a way and that you are taking control of the siutation. He's right about you sitting around waiting for you to call him, you should not do that. It is pathetic to wait around for a man to call (been there, done that and it's sad). Don't be so accomidating to him and jump at any chance to be with him. If I were you, I would not go over to his place for dinner. He's having all the fun, he going out, getting drunk, going to ball games, while you sit and waddle through this, and he feels you will come to him at his beck and call. Too much fun and power on his part. Take some back. It's so much easier said than done because you care but believe me, it's for the best. It's hard, I know, I have been in your position before. Each day will get easier. I wish you the best and take care.

[LonelyConfused]

Thanks for the advice, I think you're right. It just sucks because he knows that i usually don't go out during the week anyway, because I have this internship for the summer where i work over 40 hours a week. And I have told him that I agree with him and I don't want to get back together especially because in a week he will be moving back with his parents (they are having a lot of family problems right now). It is very weird, he has his own apartment and most of our friends live at home so they have all gotten used to just going there and sometimes even sleeping there because he lives on his own, so there are hardly any times when he is by himself just to talk to me except at his parent's house where he calls me n talks and listens and everything. And when we do talk he says he just stressed out and needs to straighten his life out but he wants to be with me after he has a chance to fix everything. BUT then he comes back and he is always with his friends and you know how guys can be with their friends. He cares a lot about what others think and doesn't want us to fight in front of our friends and lately we always end up fighting. I just want our friendship back and it sucks because I feel like he isn't upset about this break up at all. He is leaving to go to his parents this weekend and then coming back for two days and then moving there indefinitly. It is only 2 hours by car, but I'm going to have to see him to get some stuff back and give him some stuff which makes me think I should go over there tonight, give him his stuff, say my goodbyes and start NC. What do you think? He has my laptop and a jacket and I have his PSP and expensive watch. I'm not sure what to do...My friends are his friends and don't want to get involved, I've already pleaded. I should have wrote this in my first post, sorry. And I'm sorry for these posts being so long, I'm really heartbroken and just need to get it all out, I'm very confused and things aren't gettin easier.....

[kellbell]

Why should you wait for him? I wouldn't. Let him go fix his life. In the meantime, I would move on with yours and maybe down the line, you 2 can be friends then.

I would wait to get your stuff when he moves back in with his parents. When that happens, bring his stuff to his parents' house and do an even exchange. I still would not go over his house for dinner but that's just me. If he isn't as upset about the break-up as you are then he didn't value your relationship as much as you did, meaning you 2 were not meant to be girlfriend/boyfriend.

Believe me, the beginning stages of a break-up is hard, but it will get easier, I promise. PM me if you ever want to talk. God, if I knew more then as I do now, I would be 21 again in a heartbeat.

[LonelyConfused]

Thanks again, I know you're right and I totally agree, and He is upset, it is just like he doesnt want any of his guy friends to know that he is upset and for some reason that bothers me, I guess I don't want them to see me as pathetic. I don't know what I think/feel anymore really. My life is total confusion. What's PM anyway?

[kellbell]

Hey no problem, love can stink sometimes. Hang in there.

 

oh pm mean private message, there's a little icon on the bottom of each post that says "pm"

[Bounder]

Loenly, I just read your posts and I must say I am on the same end as you right now....but it gets better in small steps. Its been over a month since the break up, and I have not broke NC for over a week, though she has like 3 times. You just have t stay strong and let them go for a while.

[Unchained_melody]

Hi Lonely&Confused,

 

I know what you're going through. I'm in the same boat. Feeling like he was the only one I could talk to. We were together everyday when we were lovers. When I'm upset I usually would talk to him about it, but because he's broken up with me and I'm upset I automatically want to talk to him, but i have to controll myself because it stresses him out.

 

I feel completely alone with how i feel most of the time now, because he isn't there you know?.

That's why I'm glad i found this forum this is where i talk to people instead.

He didn't seem upset either about the break up, he seems to think not having money is more upsetting.

 

Hang in there you're not alone..

[LonelyConfused]

Thank you guys so much! I really needed something like this. Its so hard right now because anytime anything happens I want to call him and I want to know what is happening with him. His dad is really sick right now and in the hospital and his parents became like second parents to me over the last few years, this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I saw it coming too, which really upsets me. I'm really glad I found this forum too, thank you guys soo much! You don't understand how much this helps me

[toonsy]

Some of you are lucky! I've been broken up for 1 1/2 months now (We still are in love, he just cant take the argements we were having). 2 of those weeks I guess dont count on the NC list because week one he was being clingy right after breaking up with me because I had contacted another man (which I only did because I was pushed away - it went nowhere), the second week we went on a trip we had planned months prior. Since then I have emailed him twice. He responded in kind..... Then I sent him a letter over a week ago telling him how I feel. He emailed me last week in response (he still has feelings for me but feels our communication is a problem - wants to work on being friends since we both feel it's something we 'missed'). He is seeing someone new now. I told him I no longer feel right inititating contact since he's seeing someone even though he said it's OK. He said he will talk to her about it, and then initiate contact with me.

 

It's been a week now. I have gone into NC phase.....it's all up to him. Only a week and yet I know it's going to be a WHILE before I hear from him. My birthday is in 10 days and I even wonder if he'll acknowledge it. Some of you have been contacted by your ex's.... I wonder and worry when that will happen for me.

[LonelyConfused]

I'm sorry but I have to stop posting for right now, I'm at work and I'm just thinking about it too much and I'm getting really upset. I'll be back later..thanks again for taking the time to read my story and share yours

[LonelyConfused]

Hey guys, its a couple hours later and I'm still thinking about it constantly but I am feeling better....I'm not going to have dinner with him tonight and if anything I'm going go to his apartment this weekend n drop his stuff off and take my stuff....Thanks again everyone!

[Bobby101]

L&C,

 

Yeah do NC, if he is not as upset as you are he isnt worth it. Why should he be out having a ball whilst your trying to work with all this constantly playing on your mind.

 

Its a bit like him still being in a relationship with you ; you are still caring for him although he got his own way. Let him stew a bit !

 

I'm also in the same boat as all you guys. I think its time to heal together. Wherever you are in this world, whatever the circumstances we are all hurting together.

 

We need to forget for the time being. Once we heal we can then have a think about our ex's. They will then realise their loss and we will be so much stronger and happier. Maybe we will still be single but we didnt go to hell and back for nothing now, did we ?

 

Try and remain calm we will get through this together.

[LonelyConfused]

Hey guys....Little update, he called me last night but I didnt pick up and he started calling like every two minutes and then waited 1/2 hour n called my house, my mom answered and told him I was home so I got stuck on the phone, and he asked if we were going to have dinner....So I told him that one of my friends called and we were going to this party instead and I would have to call him back about hangin out, and he was like oh well do u want to have lunch tomorrow or something (i get out of work early on some fridays) and I was like well I already have lunch plans so I don't know...and he was like oh alrite, n I was like well let me go I gotta get ready, I'll tlak to u soon .... and he was like oh ok fine bye.......IT WAS AWESOME!!! I FELT AMAZING AFTERWARDS!!! Its crazy how just acting strong even when you're not, can totally turn the tables....I loved it, I am soo glad that I listened to you guys, now I just have to work on keeping it up....everyone else hang in there, its worth it...