So long and thanks for all the pain !

[Bobby101]

Ok guys, I think I've evolved to my angry stage.......

 

I just don't know what I did deserve being dumped. I liked her style though, she hasnt even contacted me to find out how I am but was more than willing to stay over at mine last Saturday night. Other than that total NC (on her behalf).

 

Ive dumped girls before so I know what goes on in the mind when people freak out in relationships. But I never ever let someone down like this. She said a while back, and I quote, 'I know you have been through a few rough breakups but I will never hurt you'. Sorry I just wouldnt have said that to someone and then stabbed them in the back.

 

Pain is seeping from ever wound here and to make matters worse she has gone a booked a holiday, with her friends - just after coming back a holiday of a lifetime with me.

 

Maybe she is trying to help me and maybe I'm still not letting go but I need help guys.

 

I'm improving myself but I still feel bad, salt is just being poured into all my wounds. I am seriously considering emmigrating to Australia.

 

I have everything here but I feel that I gotta do this, maybe slightly irrational and spontaneous but I can't get away from this pain.

 

I just want to stop caring about her and I cant cause I am under the false illusion that after some months she will want me back.

 

I certainly dont hate her but I'm disappointed in her for doing this after telling me she was not gonna hurt me.

 

I think that I am a victim of my own success, this bred jelousy amongst her friends, whom Ive no doubt bolstered what was a small doubt about me into actually doing this. I feel so hurt.

 

Never hurt her, never abusive, met her emotional needs, listened, gave advice, stabbed in the heart.....

[heloladies21]

Don't do anything drastic like move away, just do No Contact. People make some of the worst decisions when they let their emotions take control of them. That's what this board is all about, keeping your emotions in check until you get to a point where you can deal with the situation. Seriously, do strict No Contact and everything will become clear in a short while.

[pizzachick13]

Hey mate, if she's going to do that then she isn't good enough for yuo in the first place. Like heloladies21 said, just do NC. Moving away is a drastic measure and I don't think that your pain will leave you if you leave Scotland. It will just keep haunting you.

 

If it's not a cruel question, how did she break up with you? If it's in anothre thread just post the link and I'll check it out... you don't have to repeat it if it's too much for you.

 

Never hurt her, never abusive, met her emotional needs, listened, gave advice

 

You sound like a really great guy, and if you do decide to come to Australia... I have a lot of girlfriends who love those sorts of things in a guy

 

Hope you start to feel better soon.

 

Sappho...

[Bobby101]

She broke up with me because her feelings had changed.

 

Liked the quoye from your website ;

 

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

 

How relevant - Im complete polar opposite to this now.

 

Cheers honey

[Bobby101]

Well Im at work now.

 

Work has been very diffcult for the last month. Ive made a few mistakes and in my job those can cost milllions of pounds.

 

It annoys me to know that she doesnt even know the damage she has done to me. Shes carrying on like nothing even happened. I wouldnt destroy someone and sit back and watch. I thought women were the ones with all the empathy.

 

Maybe this is easier for her, maybe better for me - I have progressed since the inital bomb drop but still I want to feel better.

 

She will get guys on this holiday and its eating away at me.

[Bounder]

Doug,

 

i know its hard, but dont think about her holiday! I have that problem too. Yesterday when she left me a message about getting this great job interview, I wondered if she was lying in bed next to her new guy when she called and just saw red. In fact I see red in general now, or I feel an incredible ache when I realzie I have an overactive imagination. I guess finding balance is about time man.

[FCTex]

Same boat her. girlfriend changed her mind out of no where.. decided to take a "break" and then I got her to say "it's over". She doesn't wanna really talk to me, and she's acting like she doesn't give a crap. I sit here wondering what happened with a tear and a blank face, and she's out dancing and clubbing with her friends, more than likely meeting guys. It's killin me..

 

I feel like she has no respect for my feelings in this. I just have to sit and watch myself be torn apart.

 

I have a very over active imagination, but then again, I tend to be right about what I invision, it's scary.

[Bobby101]

I feel like the bottom has fallen out of my world.

 

I'm in grave danger of losing everything I have worked hard for for 8 years.

 

I know this is pathetic, Im disappointed in myself. I just loved her so much. Constant pain I can't hide from. I'm trying to go out with other girls but I just feel so bad about myself.

 

My self esteem is zero, before I was very confident and ambitous - she has ruined me.

 

Of course I miss her but I just cant believe she would have done this to me.

 

Im trying everything to get me back to life but I just feel like a ghost. Going about my daily tasks just doesnt feel like me.

 

How could I let someone do this to me ? Why do I let this affect me so much ? I feel totally unwanted, rejected, slam dunked.

[SouthGeorgiaGal]

I too have recently been unceremoniously dumped after six intense months. It will be two weeks tomorrow. I knew something was wrong, but every time I asked him, he would pretend nothing was wrong. We talked on the phone Monday night, then I didn't hear from him the rest of the week. I think he was hoping that I would just go away, disappear, fall off the face of the planet. That way he would not have to grow the b*lls to tell me we were through. But I called him the following Friday at lunchtime and said, "What's wrong?". And he just said "I think we need to see other people". This is after he has told me he loves me, after I've met his family, after he's introduced me to all of his friends, after I got attached to his children and my child got attached to him. We never had a fight. I was totally in love and he led me to believe that he was too. I have not contacted him, but I also entertain the fantasy that he will come crawling back to me. But then I think, why would I want someone who was so mean to me? This website has been my salvation. Read as many posts as you can. Do ANYTHING to get your mind off of her and concentrate of improving yourself. It's all you can do.

[Bobby101]

Cheers Gal,

 

Its just I get flashbacks of things I could have done better or things I wish I hadnt said. I hope she doesnt hold any of that against me.

 

I dont hold any bad things she said/did against her - neither the two of us done anything really bad like cheat or anything.

 

Its been NC since Monday. I got to build on this.

 

Why does rejection hurt so much ?

[SouthGeorgiaGal]

It hurts so much because we take the rejection so personally. We shouldn't be thinking "Why am I so horrible?" or "What is it about me that is so awful?". We could be in a relationship with a "commitment-phobe", and that is a person who will REALLY mess with your head! They reel you in, Hook, Line, and Sink Her! (Pun Intended). The dumper may have "issues" that really have nothing at all to do with you. I am still hurting, I passed him in my car at lunch today and started to cry. But it helps to think that he has personal problems that only a qualified therapist could fix!

[Bobby101]

It would have been worse of we were married though.

 

I agree though people should not build hopes then u turn. Well thats what I think when it comes to relationships anyway !

 

Example :

 

We used to go to many beautiful lochs in scotland. There was a very small church on the banks of this place ; she told me thats where we were getting married.

 

Now what kind of thing is that to say to someone ? I have had a few long term relationships which I ended and never said that crap.

 

I also agree that many dumpers do have issues.

 

Look at it this way, your with someone for x years say. Obviously your connected or this wouldnt work for this long. You dont cheat, you may argue (everyone does). Your happy then boom something outwith your control screws there head and then they're doubting the relationship.

 

They freak out - dump you. We are devasted - try to get them back. They may feel guilty but still the lonely pain is not with them cause we give them attention ; we make them feel WANTED.

 

They have minimal pain and max control.

 

I think NC is the only way to heal and to gain a bit of control.

 

Let them deal with their issues. I know when I dumped someone cause I freaked out I had to deal with a few issues. Guilt being one of them because I had hurt somone really bad who genuinely loved me.

 

Karma - when they get dumped maybe they will realise how much love we gave. Too late - more pain for the dumper.

 

This love games expensive.

[FCTex]

Your right though..

 

I was in a 1 1/2 year relationship. Serious relationship.. We talked about marriage, I'd even tell her romantic ways i wanted to propose to her in a few years, and she'd scream for me to stop, because she wanted to be surprised. Then one day, Boom. Wants a break, wants to think, wants to have fun and be free. The next thing I know. Shes ignoring me every possible way except in person, which she kinda puts a guard up, and acts normal, and somewhat cold.

 

 

I hurt, and I want her back, but you know what. I can play her game, and do NC. I want her to hurt, and be guilty. I want her to realize that the grass on the otherside might be greener for a little while, because it's new, but it's not going to stay green all the time like it was before.. I want her to want me back, I want her to gain respect for me, because she doesn't show me she has any for me right now. I'm tongue tied, and hands bound in this situation, and it was all a surprise.. She doesn't seem as upset, and maybe I can understand it, but I dont..

 

I want her to feel what I feel. Because it hurts. I don't want her to feel wanted anymore by me. I want her to g out and fill that void and have her fun, then i want her to be alone, and hurting because she realized she messed up. I want her to jump through hoops to show me that she's made a mistake about our relationship, that she just cut to pieces and tossed to the wind, with no regard to anyone but herself.

[Bobby101]

Yeah that sounds like a plan.

 

We got to get respect for ourselves first though then they will follow.

 

A saying I can remember is, 'believe in yourself and others will believe in you'.

 

Fits in a bit here.

 

Anyway, Im doin a pretty of the wall thing tonight. Ive been invited to go out with a girl that I dont know that well. There are going to be quite a few people going out. Im a bit nervous but at least I wont be woalking on egg shells like I would be if I was with my ex.

 

Just for some interaction though and not for long.

[Bobby101]

I have had a really weird weekend.

 

I met two women, has helped me forget about my ex to a certain degree but Im just not sure.

 

They are both really nice but I just feel like my wounds have not healed fully enough. I get the impression that both of them are pretty serious about me.

 

I certainly dont want to HURT anyone like I have been hurt.

 

Yeah this has massaged my bruised ego but I want to do the right thing.

 

I really just want to keep everything light and friendly.

 

Still going through my rehibilitation.

 

Still get letters delivered to the house for my ex - hurts. I tried to phone her yesterday to let her know. SHe never answered, I never called back and she never got in contact with me again.

 

I dont think she will ever contact me again. How can she be so strong ? Its almost like she has no feelings of remorse or anything.

 

The reason I get all upset is that I just wouldnt treat someone I dumped like that. Manners.

 

Breakups hurt, there is no denying that but she could have supported me a little through all off this. She just washed her hands of everything and left me to deal with everything.

[Sadboy75]

Doug - you are clearly going through all the thoughts and processes that break-ups involve. Despite the emptiness etc that one feels during this tough period it will get easier even when you do receive mail addressed to her!

 

I went through all this at the same time last year and it was the most difficult thing I have encountered in my short life. I recall a trip I was on in Italy last year and all I could think of was her. I would wake in the morning and think of her, I would be sitting on the most amazing beach and all I could do was think of her, I would be eating my dinner and all I could do was think of her.... it was all about her! Hang on... what about me!?!?!? It was at this point that I started to think about me.... these are a few things I did to counter my situation.

 

1. Stopped contacting her completely... no emails, no texts, no phone calls... nothing!

 

2. Dancing - I started dancing classes. It enabled me to meet new people but also enabled me to do something foe 'me' as I love dancing

 

3. Professional help - I saw a relationship councellor for 8 weeks once a week. This was the best thing I did to get over and accept my situation

 

4. Mutual friends - any of her friends that I became friends with I decided to cut out of my life. By seeing them it simply reminded me of her. I am now in contact with a few but I let it I didnt for around 3 months

 

5. Places of Interest - I avoided going to bars etc that we frequented together. This can be difficult but where possible do it

 

6. Weekends - rather than lying in bed on my own in the mornings I'd get up immediately and get my day underway. Good idea to plan your weekends in advance as they were the most difficult and lonely

 

7. Friends - hang out with friends as much as possible. We tend to ignore friends during relationships so get back in touch with them.

 

8. Gym/shopping - do plenty of this. Retail therapy never hurts and you'll get a nice looking set of clothes to boot

 

These are just a few things I tried to follow and it helped me so so much. From the time I did this I was well on my way to recovery. I was then lucky to meet someone very special and, having said that, is way beyond what I could have hoped for. There is no point in comparing my current girlfriend of 7 months to the ex as she wins hands down.

 

Good luck, take care of you, and things will slowly fall into place! It is then that you will look back and appreciate how far you have come, what you have learnt, and very inportantly will know what it is that you are looking for in someone.

 

Cheers

[Bounder]

Sadboy,

 

Beautiful post, devoid of silly cliches but still very straight up....its good to see there is a way to get out of it all. Doug, hope all is well.