Meeting Ex for 'being friends' conversation today

[salmonhead_uk]

gotta go and see the ex from 2 years ago that I dumped 2 years ago. I'm so nervous my tummy is upset and I'm so scared. I feel like we have a second chance and he wont take it becuase i hurt him before when we were younger. I wish i could take it all back because i was in such a mess back then - i moved outta home, didn't speak to my parents, quit uni, everything i cared about i pushed away. Now we've met and get on - and if it was a new guy I'd be praising the heavens for sending someone so perfect. So we got closer, only saw each other a few times, but it felt good. and then on two different saturdays we ended up in bed together. The first time scared me, but the second was amazing. It upset me because i didn't think he felt for me. He then spoke to me and said he wants us to go back to being friends because he thinks about me constantly and he doesn't want to go back to a relationship that could cause him the same hurt again. So, im gathering the forces and going to try and tell him that the future is different, and if he really still feels that and i do for him we should at least try and not deny those feelings. But i don't think i can put right the past (who can) so im stuck. He is the ideal for me totally, and now he's so successful i can't see how he'd like me anyway. And even though he says he does like me he won't risk it...i know where he's coming from but im still devestated and this conversation feels like it's gonna be just one more in a long line of rejection coversations I've had over the past 4 months.

 

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I read your other post, Didn't you say you did not want him back?, if that's the case you shouldn't feel sad if he's not longer interested, no need to use his rejection in a way like he's the only guy in the world.

Just a thought.

[Bounder]

Hope it goes well, come here if you have any more vents to make, we're here for you

[salmonhead_uk]

The ex i don't want to go back to is the one that i was with for 2 years and broke up with 4 months ago - J. The ex i do want is from 2 years before that - T - he came back into town and we hit it off immediatley - after 4 ish months we had a fling, and i was trying to be careful as didn't want it to be purely rebound from J, i developed feelings and was scared but willing to accept carrying on and being close with him - not just sex but seeing him, but T can't face doing it. I went to talk to him about it. You know - carpe diem - seize the day and if you feel stuff for one another see where it leads. But he wont try. Im so upset - but not - all at once. I want T to be happy and although i said that and his response was "im not happy without you I just feel like a mug to go back when it took me a year to even contemplate seeing another girl" (i dumped him), but there is nothing i can do. And maybe it would be good to be single. Everyone says it. There's obv something wrong with me because i crave just being married already! I wanna go and live my life etc., but i want a partner that i can truly love and trust. I feel lost without that. I realised how much i ruined things leaving T but at the time i had depression and messed up alot of things. Because i met J about a month later and ended up wiht him for 2 years (a terrible 2 years for the most part) T's slant is that i was a happy bunny without him and would do it again.

I dunno. I think the world would say "move on to new ppl" but i feel so right around T. I really do. He makes me happy even when we had that talk about how he couldn't be with me because he was too scared. There are no rulebooks i know, but sometimes i could just slap myself for the messes iv made in the past!

[stolenshadow]

Ok, I see, sorry I got confused.

Well, there is something you can do about this, stop blaming yourself for the whole thing, you made mistakes but we all do, give this guy time, enjoy the single life but don't necessarly go out there to "meet new people", that will happen naturally, just give T. his space for some months, I don't know when the "happy bunny" comment was made but that shows he still cares and got hurt, but if you already explained to him the situation then the best you can do is not put more pressure and let things flow.

[Bounder]

He is scared, anormal reaction for someone who got dumped and is now facing a return. Would you act any differently? Try to be sensitive to his needs, and you will have to wokr for it if you want it back, just dont push him.

[salmonhead_uk]

Yeah guys, you're right. I would be so desperate not to be a mug. And because we were so good i need to remember how painful it was to break up and that i did it.

It's made him a much better person whichs good, hes successful and still caring and funny. But as this forum always says - the moment you get over them they come running back, and that is my situation - tables have turned. Ahhhhhh, plops. I'm trying not to contact him. I text about my night out the eve after our chat and he replied but hasn't since. Though to be honest he is very busy, and so am i this week. I just hope im in his thoughts as much as he's in mine. I guess the sad thing is he's pushing me out of them and im pushing him in.

I see that it could take years for him to want me again - if ever. I have so much to prove and no scope to do it in considering he'll be in london. Maybe he'll find a lovely girl and be happy. Or not, and think of me. I don't know how i could ever take the hurt away so he isn't afraid of me. The words still race round my mind about how much he wants me but can't. I want to be a new person for him so he can do it. God. God God. silly girl that i am.

[salmonhead_uk]

Actually i just realised that he isn't over me, but hes trying to be. so either he'll give up trying to be or he'll succeed. But if it took him this long and he's still feeling stuff that will never go away and one day he might want something with me again. hmmmm. faint glimmers of hope???

[salmonhead_uk]

Oh god im sooooo lying to myself here. He doesn't have the b**ls to get with me and doesn't want to it. I've got stop thinking about it as a waste - its what he wants. i doubt its crossed his mind since he made the decision not to carry on seeing me. im such a sad sorry girl today.

[Bounder]

Why is he so afraid, or lacking the b#$#@s to do it as you say?

[salmonhead_uk]

I have no idea! I don't know. He just doesn't trust that i wont hurt him again. I did my best to convince him - as you know. I feel really used now. Cant see how a close friends thing would work if after seeing each other for only a month he already feels things and me too. I'm such an idiot. I should never have started this. He seemed so unhappy to be making the decision not to see me as more than friends, but since then he's only text in response to me, and then it was really stand-offish, not extremely so but enough that i feel silly. He text to say about wanting a massage and sex and that now he'd have to pay for it (joke) and i text that he always can call on me for either and that im happy to take his money, and he responded with 'next time i make a fiver il let you know'. Nice huh, especially considering how he knows EXACTLY how cut up I am that 1)he's not gonna get with me 2)we slept together but he's not gonna get with me 3)he does want me and we're ideal but he feels he should move forward - so he's not gonna get with me...HES NOT GONNA GET WITH ME.

now im moping around watching things like eternal sunshine and made the mistake of sending him a really long email about whether at the end they are saying goodbye to one another as they know it wont work or saying they accept their problems but it's okay andyou cant' help how you feel.

He never emailled back and to be honest i realise how needy and pushy that's made me look. Great one!

So, since Weds I haven't text and lo and behold he hasn't contacted me or responded to the email (it wasn't just about that stuff i said above). It doesn't really matter whether he's not contacting me to get past feelings or whether he genuinely isn't interested - either way his lack of bravery says it all - any guy that likes you seriously will take a risk.

He'll be gone to London soon so maybe I'll feel better. Hate that i feel he feeds me little pieces of the 'good stuff' and has now backed off. Hate the idea that he'd get with someone else - though as long as she's good for him fine, but...i hate this total lack of control and pining...iv stopped eating properly again and my head won't clear up thoughts of him.

Maybe this is all just cos of the initial dumping by J. It made me realise how lucky I was with T and that taking him for granted was a big mistake. So if i ever move on I'll have those lessons at least.

God i wish life were like a romantic movie where the guy (or gal) comes running after you wanting you...i need to feel something other than confusion and lonliness. I need to stop having to try so hard NOT to feel things and just be allowed to be emotional with a guy.

Saturday night and im in (thought it best after the drunken upsets of last weekend)...oh dear.

I hate constantly getting over people who seem to find the decision to cut me out of their lives so easy. I'd think it was karma but i had such a bad time during my 2 years with J I think enough is enough with the karma.

I'm so tired of waiting for a text or an email or T to turn up at my door. Every person i kissing on TV makes me feel jealous...this is the worst summer EVER. Sometimes im so mad that i have to come on here to vent stuff, that there could be this much rubbish in my head all because of another person. I need to get more emotional armour obviously, but i never wanted to live life with a shield in front of me.

[Bounder]

You dont need more emotional armour because you come here. You need support, thats all. Dont be ashamed of your emotions, but understand they may not chnage his mind. I too have fantasies of chasing my girl and sweeping her off her feet even though she is the one who walked out on me.....and I dont know why. Its ok, someone will love it one day, I hope

[salmonhead_uk]

Well day 5 and nada from him. not a sausage. great. hohum. not much to say - boring weekend - knew i should have made plans. he'll think about me again one day...but for now...obviously not.

I had quite a high day today - dont quite know why. Perhaps staying in has given me a chance to think all the thoughts i can. Do find myself squeezing my eyes shut and thinking "come on T think about me think about me" it's gonna be the asylum soon if im not careful.

[salmonhead_uk]

I'm still going.

I gave in and text and he met up with me on Weds and said he would like to meet Fri - but is yet to text me so I dunno.

We spent the day on Weds in the pouring rain which should have really angered me (esp as i have a cold coming) but i loved every moment of my day with him. This situation is sick, unless im a total egotistical moo then he feels as much for me as i do for him. You know when you look into someone's eyes and you just FEEL that something. But he won't act on it. Im doing my best not to be pushy - but sometimes little things slip out and I worry he's gonna get angry. Like he said that i was 'irresistible' and i raised an eyebrow and said 'well obviously not' and then it just went quiet. And then in the car on the way home we were stuck in a traffic jam and although i had work it just didn't stress me out at all - i realised how less stressy i am these days compared to way back when we used to see each other. I said something about being annoyed he ignored me for 5 days and he said 'well i thought i should leave stuff to sort of settle' and i said 'hun, we haven't seen each other in 2 years and it's still not settled so how is 5 days going to help?'.... to which he said 'i know that now'

What am i doing? My mind is in such a state. I sit there watching him and walking alongside him feeling like im gonna scream or start punching stuff up in sheer frustration. I guess he's over it more because he got over me the first time round - but he isn't over it because otherwise he wouldn't still want to see me, he wouldnn't be annoyed with himself that he can't be flirty cos it hurts - but at the same time be willing to spend a 5 hour day with me and tell me I can come and see him when he moves.

Im so cross with myself and with him. I feel that we would make such a good couple - we've grown in all the ways we could have and still click. I hate the idea that i have to wait until he or i finds someone else - i don't even think i could be with someone now...not someone thats not him. My standards are so high after being with such a horrid guy and he ticks all those boxes. I apparently tick his but he can't trust im not gonna leave him again. Im so gutted. Wish I could have facial surgery and then get him!!!!! Will he ever notice me and notice the good times and care we could have...can he get past the past...i want him to keep moving forward but with me at his side.

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

[salmonhead_uk]

Right,

I know no-one is reading this anymore and i dont' care. well i do but whatever.

I hate myself today. I'm so fed up of chasing after someone that doesn't care. We were gonna meet today and now after all this time (it 3pm now) he's text to say he's got to do work. Whichs true i know. But i just feel fed up. It doesn't matter whether we meet or not. I'm so sick of myself. I'm not good enough to make anyone want me. I'm so alone. I should be bouncy and feel free and easy and i feel like a load of trash. It doesn't affect him not to see me because he doesn't really care. I shouldn't see him. I'm laying awake at night feeling alone, like until 3am yesterday. I'm dreaming about him and thinking about him and im sick of it. I'm sick of the fact that my ex left me 4 months ago and now this guy comes back into my life, has sex with me twice - obviously gets what he wants - and then backs off. I am of no use to him. He fits me in when he has a space and i just go running to see him. When i didn't text for 5 days I felt like hell and then gave in. He has time to see all these other people and i was just an easy lay and now he's got it out of his system. My ex didn't want me, and now this guy doesn't want me. Im so sick of it. Sick of me. Im fed up of being on my own and living up and down to such extremes. I don't need counselling or anti-depressants i just want to be able to support myself. Im so angry with him. He spends all weekends with no time for me but can see and hang out with so many other people. I need him more than he needs me. Why can't someone need me? Why did I suddenly become so unappealling? I had nothing to do last weekend and got nothing to do this weekend either. Do i get invited? Do i b0%$$ks. No. I can't do this. I can't feel this bad. This has been the worst summer ever. Im so low and so lonely and so desperate for people to want to be around me and they aren't. I push and push to be the happy one when im out and then im coming back to my home and feeling like its all wrong. Everything is just wrong. Why have i no dignity anymore? Why can't i see this T thing for what it is? I broke his heart - he used me when i was vulnerable after having my heart broken and is now satisfied that he can still get what he wants and that i can now suffer.

I hate this world. I hate not being in love. I hate not having a big group of friends i feel i belong to. And i hate myself.

[SexySadie7]

Oh salmon.. yes.. people are reading your posts.. But dear, you have to remember.. you BROKE this guy's heart... In fact he may still not be over you yet.

You say he used you for sex.. but did he really? Weren't you as equally willing to be with him?

And if you did the dumping then left him for another guy.. he may STILL have scars on his heart.. and is wary of being hurt by any woman, let alone the one who gave him these scars.

Does this make sense....?

It takes so long to get over a heartache.. it doesn't say how long you were with him.... he's afraid.. can't you see that? Or maybe his heart is hardened now and he's just not willing to take the chance to let you injure him in that way again.....

I don't know.. if my ex wanted to get back with me... he dumped me.. and then starting dating ALOT of other women.. i know i would be wary too. I of course enjoyed his company, but i KNOW i sure wouldn't trust him automatically again.. like i used to in the past... I'd be too scared to.He would have to jump through ALOT of hoops to prove to me he was really sincere and actually cared about me again for me to trust him again.

 

I think the key here is trust... I don't think he trusts you yet again to not hurt him.... what would you be willing to do to regain that trust?

 

I can definitely see how T feels in that respect.

Of course that doesn't mean i wouldn't be thrilled to sleep with my ex again regardless.. I would be willing and i'd probably be too weak to not go along with those feelings...

 

Still.. he is being careful for himself it seems... he now has the upper hand and he probably remembers what it feels like to be the one longing to be heard from .... it doesn't say how you treated him after you dumped him.

 

Could you describe that period or just how you dumped him?

[salmonhead_uk]

WELL....

this is where im so confused. There are a couple of 'friends' in my life (one of which doesn't know T) that say the whole situation looks stupid from the outside, and that im blatently being used - have been used - and that i need to gain some self respect. Other newer friends (who also never met him) say sort of what you are saying, that if i really REALLY think he is right for me then I have to wait and prove myself...and he'll either get to the point where he can trust me or we'll both move on.

So...how i treated him.

We went out for 2 years. Both were 18. We'd been at school together but never together, I remember him wanting to be with me when I met a guy from a different school and how he spent 2 hours convincing me for just one slow dance at the prom. Then we went to different colleges - i had a boyf and he a girlf, didn't see each other for 2 years. At 18 when we were finished college we met again by happenstance of our friendship groups. And after about 4 months of should we shouldn't we we got together. I was on a gap year and highly jealous of him having a dream during his (he was at guitar school) i worked full time. Then the second year we went to different unis, he used to travel and see me every weekend. Then he quit to carry on with music, and i eventually quit (but got depression not to do anything worthwhile) soon after quitting i dumped him. By text. Not even to his face. I moved out of home and after about a month I contacted him and we hung out some. I had started sleeping with a different guy and i told him. He was devestated. He was due to go away to guitar school and do a degree. We met one last time before he went, we ended up talking - going out - (i was sober and driving) and then he came back to mine with me and we made love for hours. The next day he left, we met once more and i said i couldn't work out whether i should be with him or move on to the new guy I had been seeing. he left for guitar school in a different city. I told the new guy that I'd cheated with my ex. And he demanded that I never speak of T again. so I didn't. I text him to say i wouldn't be able to visit him or talk to him. And two years later (now) back in March of this year i got a text from T to ask if i wanted to see his band. I didn't reply. But i sent an email and we swapped msn addresses. The day we started our conversations (that lasted until 3am) was the day after the guy I'd stayed with for that 2 year seperation had cheated and dumped me. We chatted about broken hearts and admitted to feeling nervous and buzzy even emailling each other. He moved back as he'd finished his course and was waiting to move to london for his teaching degree and we met up.

At first i was totally fearful. Couldn't see anything but how hurt I was by my ex. Then I guess i used T as my crutch. He was my best friend again - constant texts. We started to meet once a week. And then the last day of july we got drunk together and had sex. Then again the next week - but not drunk that time. 3 days after this we met at a pub and he told me he couldn't carry on having sex as he had feelings for me - i said i did too but that i was happy to have them and see where it led. We left it for a week and thats when i posted this first of all. The day i had to go and see him and try and clear the air and tell him how sorry i was.

I just don't know what to do. I've never felt like this for a guy. It's not just excitement and sexual attraction (although it plays a major part) but i feel we are totally ideal for one another. We balance each other, advise each other, say the same stuff...i dunno, i just feel IT in his presense.

But like you say - i guess i expect too much too soon. I hate the idea that i have to get over this. that i messed up and i can't let it go. I don't know whether i should be seeing his stand-offishness as something that will fade if i keep proving myself or see it as a sign that i need to learn to deal with the fact that he won't ever be convinced im the one.

I really feel that we are ideal. I was horrid to him when we broke up - i never cheated on him, but i was messed up and had been horrid and jealous during a lot of our relationship. I've learnt my lesson now but he's scared to trust me as you say. I don't wanna give up but all i know is that im in floods of tears and sick and not sleeping, and he's got so used to having to dislike me and feel anger towards me I don't know if I can ever crack through it. I'd love to be big enough to leave him be, but i do think I'd be good for him. Though sometimes i think he's too good for me.

I dunno. But I really feel so lost. There are no certainties, i want to be around him and with him, but im someone he's trying hard to keep at arms length - and then when we're together it's like being at home for both of us - i hate that he wants to keep me away for his sanity...

what do i do?

[salmonhead_uk]

i don't even know if he needs to keep me away. i don't even know if the whole 'i have feelings' is real. he text and said before we met for the talk this post is about, that he 'had been thinking about us constantly' and he made those comments the other day like 'i heard this song and knew you'd like it' and 'when i go to london you must come and visit' and 'im sorry but i just don't know know why i can't be with you'...

i dont think of him as someone who'd mess with me -but then i don't know him now. he's always been the very sensitive type - but the very internal type so getting to the root of stuff is difficult.

I dont think he would have used me. But...I'm so smitten. And he's so supercool about it all. He has so much going on in his life and so it's easy for him not to make me a major factor and to put any thoughts of me aside. I dont' have that luxury. I guess im also a hopeless romantic when it comes to this guy. I had such a terrible time with the guy i stayed with instead of T that I feel it was karma's way of working it out. I want to be allowed to love him so much.

But is love leaving him alone, carrying on as friends until i get used to it and stop being sick and over the top, pushing him??? Well not pushing because i want him to fall in love with me not run away. Can that happen again?

Thank you so much for replying. I feel so isolated because i can't chat to friends about this in depth. Thank you thank you thank you.

[stolenshadow]

This is the thing, you have no control over his feelings, if you wish him or anybody to love you is like wishing for the night to become day at 3am in Italy.

I'm obviously not saying you can't be loved, I'm saying you can't control it.

It seems you need time away from him too, so see it that way, you need time on your own, to re-adjust yourself, your thoughts, otherwise you'll keep confusing yourself.

Don't see it as you giving him time, see it as you giving yourself time and space.

[salmonhead_uk]

You really think? I guess it worked with J. It hurt not seeing him for the first 2 months and then it got easier...so do i just avoid him - or tell him the reasons? Wont that ruin any chance il have of being with him because he'll see it as me not caring about him if i can't have my own way.

Oh dear. I'm got a MASSIVE cold as well so im not thinking straight.

[stolenshadow]

Okay, this is what I would do but of course you have to see if it's right for you.

If you tell him the reason it can seem like what you said, if you don't it will be the same, because you have been in touch and everything I think the best will be saying you need time on your own or that you are going to be super busy with something, work, school, a new activity, etc.

Firstly, remember you have to take the time off to heal yourself, to stop your mind from racing and fearing he won't come back. Try to come to terms with it, you don't know the future but then again things with him might never see a new start, so, what's left to do?, making sure your life or health don't get affected by it.

 

You are not going to cut contact to get him back, you are doing it to get yourself back, in one piece, and because this is about you that is what you want to tell him if you simply can't avoid talking to him.

 

Your other question, would it ruin any chances?, no, it won't.

If after say, 4 months, he is interested he will contact you and offer a relationship this time, you are going to be healed so you can start a healthy thing with him, he will appreciate that, seeing a better and put together you.

 

If you choose to talk to him before cutting contact keep it short, light, don't get sad or angry, just be very friendly and objective, you prefer not to talk to him now, it's not a crime or selfish to look after yourself, and as much as you would like to be his friend this is hurting you, and you come first.

Maybe in a few months you can stand being his friend, or maybe you won't be interested, but because we don't know we can only concentrate on what we know, that you need stability, and he can't provide it but you can.

[salmonhead_uk]

Ok,

that makes a lot of sense. Thank you so much. You are right. I do need to look after myself and stop waiting for someone else to provide stability - i do really agree with you. It will be hard after not seeing him for 2 years to not see him again - especially as he's off to London. but i guess...well it has to be done for me.

thanks again. i think my cold might have to last over through to next week ( i think it may very well do anyway)...hopefully he'll be moving then so I won't figure to high on his scale and it won't be obvious to him that iv backed off.

It so upsetting and disappointing, but i have ended up waiting around and he doesn't want me. I need to see that the contact we have isn't doing me any favours anymore. I don't feel i can talk to him now, im overanalysing every conversation and i feel totally deflated and physically exhausted after seeing him.

I'll steer clear. But it will kill me to know he wont' notice that i am!

[stolenshadow]

But it will kill me to know he wont' notice that i am!

 

That is EXACTLY what you must avoid, it's not about him, it's about you.

 

You can do it, just keep focused.