please answer

[confused89]

My boyfriend finished with me around 2 months ago.

 

I’m 18 and he is 17

We went out for 7 months.

He was more in love with me at the beginning.

But then I feel for him and was just as much in love with him as he was with me if not more!

We were together during all our spare time (was not a good idea I know)

Situation changed, he got a new job and new friends and I got insecure which made me NEEDY and CLINGY!!!

I know at most he was only considering finishing with me for 2 weeks. Not actually decided.

He finished with me in the middle of a fight.

I have not asked him back since we finished, we only text a few messages the days after the break up – none of them bitter

I have not had any contact with him since.

I did 80% of the giving in the relationship – not that I minded, I had more to give than he had. He still give me all he could.

We did not really fight. Only had a few minor problems.

I know he is dating other people now but none of them are seious

 

 

Do you think that I have any chance of getting him back or am I hoping for something that is completely out of reach?

[Satin]

Hi Confused.

 

You and I are in the same predicament..only I probably ruined any chance of getting him back. At least now. I have to heal first, and give him lots of time. I pushed way to hard and didn't give him space. Now I am dealing with the consequences. Don't be like I was.

You are doing the right thing right now by NOT contacting him. In fact, the less the better. Get very very busy. Do things you like to do...go out with friends. Let him come to you. You need to let him see how much he misses you, or he won;t feel that need to seek you out. If and when he DOES contact you, be happy and upbeat. Keep it fun.

Hope it works out for you

[confused89]

But i have to agree that the no contact rule is a good idea and should be put in place from the very beginning if possible.

i did not do the begging and pleading to get him back and at least now it has gained me some self respect.

and if you are just fresh out of a relationship and begging your ex or considering begging your ex because you think that it may make him/her take you back do you not think cutting off all contact with them would make them want to take you back more.

and the no contact rule is defently making me stronger and more confident. i am getting on much better not seeing him at all than if i did see him. i may be avoiding him now but as i am building my confidence back up hopefully i will be able to handle it correctly when i do see him again.

[Hope75]

I did 80% of the giving in the relationship – not that I minded, I had more to give than he had. He still give me all he could.

 

Why do you think this is fair? What do you mean he "gave all he could" and it was only 20% into a relationship?

 

No wonder you were insecure about the future of the relationship. A good, healthy relationship should be equal effort and devotion from both parties. A union where you can to feel loved and cared for, and actually puts in the work required to accomplish that.

 

It sounds as if your ex was only half heartedly in this relationship from the beginning and then just got tired of giving barely anything altogether.

 

Don't you think you are worth more than 20%?

[confused89]

It was more the material things that i was on about here which i know dont actually matter. i have a car, house etc. He gave me all the emotional support that he could possibly give me. i know that because even his friends said he treated me like he never treated a girl before me. i really do think that the realationship ended when it was not ready to end. he got new things in his life which made me insecure and i got very clingy. and the more clingy i got the more distant he got. and then he finished with me in the middle of a fight. i said things i shouldnt have said and didnt really mean. we never got around to sorting out or even talking abou the fact i was getting clingy and he was getting distant. it was only a problem for around 2 weeks.

 

but the day after we finished we were civil to each other and we always said we'd be friend if we ever broke up. but i am not contacting him more so i can heal my self and i know that i would not be able to be his friend at this point.

its just something is telling me to hold on to the hope that he will come back. i have never been like this after a relationship before.

i am just wondering do people think i am holding on to something that will never happen?

[Hope75]

I can't really say. You say he is dating new people now?

 

How long have you been split? Has either one of you expressed to the other some desire to try and work it out? Any remorse for the end ot the relationship?

 

Any idea why he ended it without confronted the issues that were bothering him?

 

Do you think he might be interested in trying again?

[confused89]

i dont know if he has any interest in starting up again.

 

it has been about 7 weeks since we were talking. we were talking once after the breakup but it was awkard. it was not bitter though.

 

i know he never had a relationship with any other girl like he had with me. we were friends (not overly close ) before we started going out. his father walked out on his mother and brother and sister when he was only 3. his mother has been an alcoholic since and he has not had much of an upbringing. until me he treated girls really badly and always cheated on them.

 

but then we got together. i think i gave him support and belief in himself that no one had ever done before. we had a deep friendship and a lot of respect for each other. i saw a side to him that not many people have before. it was like he let the big front he puts on in front of people down.

 

i know he never two timed me but i think that things got very intense and i got clingy etc which scared him off.

 

i dont want to contact him. in fact i have been avoiding going places where i know he is going to be.

 

i am getting much stronger as every day passes and i hope that in about a month i may contact him and try to start a friendship again and show him that i am the person i was at the beginning of our relationship and not the needy clingy person i was at the end of it.

 

do you think that this is a good idea?

[Hope75]

but then we got together. i think i gave him support and belief in himself that no one had ever done before. we had a deep friendship and a lot of respect for each other. i saw a side to him that not many people have before. it was like he let the big front he puts on in front of people down.

 

be careful with this savior complex behavior. I have been there ( bf where the mother was dysfunctional, father left the family when he was 2, he cheated on previous girls....)

 

No amount of support from you is going to change your ex's ways. He has to want to do that for himself.

 

I'm a little concerned that he treated girls poorly before you and he left you without wanting to talk about what was wrong, and now you are blaming yourself for most of it.

 

If he hasn't been making an effort to talk to you about it and hasn't been contacting you at all, I think maybe the best thing is to let sleeping dogs lie and don't get in touch with him again.

 

If at age 17 he has already set up this pattern of dysfuntional relationships, you should leave him alone.

 

You are young, getting stronger every day, and will find someone who is open to a healthy relationship and willing to talk about it's issues and problems without bolting.