More guilt and stress than I can handle

[Goincrazy]

Ok basically I broke up with my gf a year ago. We went out for a total of 13 months and she went to college right after we broke up. I figured she would find someone and move on. When I saw her again about 5 months after the break up (Christmas time), we sorta became friends with benefits but swore we were just friends. Few words were really spoken. After that span of 2 or 3 weeks, we never had any physical contact again. Now shifting to the present, the summer is almost over and she keeps calling me. I've only hung out with her twice b/c it feels so awkward. I think part of the reason is b/c we were not close friends before going out. We hardly knew eachother and now that we are not going out, it feels weird. I told her I didn't want to hang out, but she said she wanted to meet me in person. I agreed only b/c she was crying on the phone. We talked for over an hour and the problem only escalated. Now she thinks I never want to see her again. I can't possibly begin to tell you everything that was said but I did tell her that I wanted a break. I didn't want to talk to her every day but I did want to stay friends. By friends, I meant maybe hanging out during summer and other breaks but not staying in very close contact. The relationship is over b/c alot of things she did really got to me, but I want to have a positive relationship with her. It seems like a catch-22. Anything I say makes her burst into tears. She makes me look like the bad guy but I'm not eventhough I may seem that way. I just want some space. She complicates my life way too much with all the drama. Her friends all want to strangle me and her sister wants to put a price on my head if you know what I'm saying. Any advice would be great. Thanks for reading

[precious_babae]

All I really have to say is it seems that you are being extremely insensitive. I understand that you want a break and everything but it also seems that she is overwhelmed. I think she is trying harder than you are willing to accept she is. Honestly, you need to start looking at it from her perspective rather than just yours. She is probably feeling stressed too. You need to be gentle with her if you want to tell her to back off. But remember its back off not **** off.

[Kurodashi]

Theres nothing more messy than a breakup where you stay in touch after. From my personal experience.

Friends with benefits always ends up in guilt, confusion and pain... so don't let her take you down that path again if you can avoid it.

I know it sounds painfully simple, but if you want a break - Tell her "Id like to be alone for a while, don't take it personally".

If she takes it personally to spite your efforts of telling her not to, that is her silly fault. You can't deny your own sanity just incase it upsets her.

But that being said, make sure it's very clear that you've taken her feelings into consideration and are worried abotu the fact she is sad alot.

[Hope75]

I didn't want to talk to her every day but I did want to stay friends. By friends, I meant maybe hanging out during summer and other breaks but not staying in very close contact.

 

Friendships don't work like that-- they don't have stipulations. You either want to be friends with someone and talk as often as you both like. hang out with each other when possible, put in the effort to really be there for each other, and both be satisfied with the friendship or you don't.

 

It sounds more like when you have extra time on your hands, i.e. school breaks, you want to see her but other than that you can't be bothered.

 

You can't push and pull at the same time, you end up hurting the other person and leaving them confused, just as you are doing.

 

Either you go all in and really be her friend, as in being there for her and investing the time and effort friendships require, or you cut her completely, which it sounds like you need to do to avoid hurting her any farther.

 

Don't feel terrible about it, lots of people don't remain friends after a breakup. The important thing is to be fair to each other. If you can't give her what she wants from you, and you are placing these kinds of stipulations on your friendship, you shouldn't be friends anyway.

[Goincrazy]

Thank you for your quick replies. I know what I have to do.

[Hope75]

What will you do?

[Goincrazy]

Well actually the situation worked out better than I planned. Although it did not seem like we resolved anything the night of our big discussion, the next night (Aug 8th), I was planning to tell her that I wanted to cut contact rather than continue our yo-yo relationship which proved to be emotional draining. I was taken by complete surprise when I got an email that day before I could act. She told me that she felt better and had time to think it over and agreed to stay distant. She admitted to still having feelings for me and recognized the need to move on. We are, however, going to write each other through email but only for the sole purpose of keeping in contact. It may be a weird agreement, but it seems to be working.