i need an answer

[iamconfused5302]

hello,

I had a 3 year relationship and we broke it off a month ago. But yet , she still calls me like we never broke up. She says she needs time to think over things. Also, gets very angry when she doesnt receive a call back right away. Nothing really changed except for we are not together and not hanging out. I still love her and I know she still misses and loves me. What shall I Do? Thanks, I am open for any suggestions

[confusedashell]

ask her to meet and have a chat..open and honest but without you putting any pressure on her. Guess thats a first step. Could always just push her away and have NC with her until she "figures out" what she wants...

[MAUS]

I would suggest shutting down any lines of communications for 30 days!

 

People who do this to you may not be sur of what they whan, but you need to demonstrate that it is you who pushes your own buttons, not them, and not on their whims of fancy.

 

Trust me, you get a lot more respect in the end if you do this.

[kskm]

I also suggest that you start NO contact.

 

Don't answer her calls, don't listen to her messages, don't go by her house, don't answer the door when she comes by your house. All of that.

 

Reason being is that you need time to figure out what you want and need. You two broke up for a reason..

This is the time to learn more about yourself.....

[jillybean]

i was in a situation like that......

it wasn't fun for either of us.

my last relationship ended for VERY complicated reasons... but before we went out, we were very close friends. he decided that just because we weren't going out didn't mean we couldn't spend just as much time together as ever. i mean, we could still be just as close, but as friends now rather than lovers.

eh. no. doesn't work that way.

but i gave in and we tried it.

don't do the same!

it drove us both crazy and after a while we both pretty much hated each other. yet he still wouldn't give up - what we'd had originally neither of us really wanted to lose, but come on..the way he was going about it was destroying any chance of us being able to be in the same ROOM ever again, let alone considering each other friends!

 

i eventually had to call for a "second break-up".. this time as friends. and had to cut contact completely for months before i could stand being around him again. now things are getting better - mostly because his new girlfriend takes up all his time, and i never meet up with him when she's not around.

 

there was too much in the back of both our minds, too many things unsaid that couldn't be said, too many things that needed space from each other and time to work out.

 

so... i think if you wanna stay friends with her, back off for a little while. and take it easy. the other posts are dead right - no contact. if she's the one who broke it off, she may be half regretting it, and unintentionally that means she's stringing you along.

if YOU broke it off, then you definitely need a cooling-off period. you can't go straight into a parallel relationship without time to get used to the idea and learning to see each other differently. there'll be too much hanging over your heads and too much uncertainty.

 

or do you want to get back together? a break's a good idea in that scenario too.. i mean, maybe it's not right? she's unsure and it couldn't hurt to step back, get your head straight and find a fresh perspective on the whole thing before you decide whether you really should...

 

maybe the no contact whatsoever thing is a little harsh, but for a shot period of time it will help.

if you don't think you want to go to such extremes, just try spend less and less and less time with her over the next few weeks. and maybe the meeting confusedashell suggested isn't too bad an idea, so long as you're using it to tell her straight up that you need a little space.

[Adelle]

I don't really agree -- not answering calls, not listening to messages, not answering the door when she comes to your house (?!), etc ... that type of thing, in my opinion, just makes you look like a huge jerk and not to mention extremely childish. And unless this girl did something awful to you (i.e. cheated on you, betrayed your trust in some other way, etc), then she doesn't deserve to be treated like she meant nothing to you.

I do agree with kskm on not going to her house, but I don't think you mentioned that anyway-- you said you havent been hanging out.

 

I am in the exact ... and I mean EXACT same situation as you. But its just reversed. My boyfriend broke up with me several months ago. And my initial reaction was similar -- oh, we just need time, etc. We were in a long distance relationship as it is, so it was even harder that way. About 3weeks after the breakup, I flew to visit him (for the sole purpose of figuring out what the heck went wrong, and he paid for the whole thing to fly me down there, etc). And when we were together that weekend, NOTHING seemed different ... because, just like you, he still loved/loves me and he said so himself many times. We spent the night together every night (we were very intimate, but also had self control -- we refrained from having sex), we were very close/affectionate when we were out at a bar or hanging out w/ his friends, we were holding hands the whole weekend, kissing, etc. Now, I myself agree that those last few things are NOT a good idea in general -- to act, in person, like nothing has changed, nothing is different, this is just confusing to the 'dumpee' ... in general, this is a BAD idea (my situation w/ my ex is a bit more complicated, so for reasons I couldn't possibly explain, it felt right for us to remain affectionate). So you shouldn't do any of those things, it will just confuse her or lead her on, however, I feel like if she is mature enough of an adult, then she should actually benefit from hearing you *tell* (not show) her that you still do love her, but your reasons are ...?.. for breaking up with her.

 

So while I was down there, nothing seemed different like I said. To put it a funny way, if nobody told me we were broken up I would've NEVER guessed-- that sounds silly, but you know what I mean, right?

The main difference was that, after that trip, I no longer had the 'oh, we just need time to think things over' attitude. I realized, this is his decision, and I have to respect that. Since then, we have spoken on the phone a few times, txt messaged each other, and emailed a couple times too. This is a hugely drastic difference from how we used to talk for hours on the phone every single day, text each other 10 times a day, etc.

I guess unlike your girlfriend (ex), I haven't been calling him like nothing happened. But when we do talk, it feels like nothings changed - we still talk for hours, laugh, ask each other for advice/opinion on other things, etc. We are still very close in that sense. I could call him up any second if I needed to talk, and he'd put everything aside and talk to me. I still am very close to his family too, same with them ... whenever we have contact, they actually treat me like nothing happened, like they'd rather just ignore what their son did, lol.

In any case, I'm going on and on about all these things my ex and I still are able to do ... because I'm trying to make the point that, my ex was such an amazingly wonderful gentleman through this whole ordeal. I mean, as far as breakups go, this might have been the best breakup in the history of the world, lol. Don't get me wrong, I still cry every darn day(!), i'm not happy by any means -- extrememly distraught. However, the way he handled the situation, and his kind nature and demeanor, hugely helped me deal with this.

 

So, be nice. Do not ignore her calls or attempts to contact you, no need to be childish or rude to her, you know? However, do sit her down and tell her, 'now that we're no longer together maybe it would be best for both of us emotionally if we didn't talk too often ... at least not yet.' People need a 'recovery' period usually, tell her you're still getting over her too because you cared so much about her (thats what you sounded like in your post) -- so make it sound like you both need this ... otherwise it willl just sound like ''don't call me, otherwise I wont pick up ... dont contact me, I dont want to hear from you or see your face."

And honestly, I think in general, people could really gain a lot if they learned how to be kinder and more civil during and after a breakup. This whole NC thing, and being extremely 'firm' with your ex, putting your foot down ... all of that, I think is just cold and heartless (granted, there are situations where that is very fitting, it just depends on the nature of the breakup ... but the fact that this NC thing is becoming the 'norm', that is what astonishes me).

If my ex had done it that way, I would have had a MUCH harder time letting go and accepting his decision. Because he was such a gentleman, and willing to talk to me (about the breakup or otherwise), it made it a lot easier. I had so many questions about the breakup, and having the other person calmly and willingly talk through all of your questions and concerns, is a beautiful thing. A beautiful way of honoring what you once had, rather than completely and utterly disrespecting the bond you had by turning into a jerk overnight or immediately establishing NC after the breakup.

Having said ALL that... everybody is different. So if your girlfriend is the 'clingy' type thats very dependent on you, then I'm not entirely sure what to tell you (although, even in that situation complete NC is still not the best idea I think). I'm not like that at all, so this type of a breakup was best for me -- but to a more clingy person, a kind/gentle breakup might be misconstrued as 'oh theres still hope' and they may never detach themselves from the relationship and move on. So I'm hoping, for your sake, that your girlfriend is like me after a breakup ... because then you can be kind, understanding, and willing to express that you still love her but that (.....?? you didnt say why you brokeup, so I dont know what goes in this blank).

Sorry for the REALLY long post, just had so much to ramble about because I'm in the same situation! Hope this helps a little. Its just another perspective, the opposite of that whole NC thing.

Best of luck. And be a gentleman, play nice

[heloladies21]

You don't owe your ex anything. Give her some time on her own to figure things out. No Contact all the way. If she comes back she's going to have to prove it to you that she won't just get up and leave again too. If not, then it's a wrap.

[Bounder]

Adelle,

 

I loved your post. Question though, i am trying to be the "gentleman" you described about your ex, but I am the one who got dumped. Part of me knows I need to do things for me, and not her, and be selfish, but I know she has a lot on her mind, and is very confused about life and I want to be there. She hurt me though, this is the second time she dumps me, and I found out she had lied about some very important things....but I still love her. Any advice?

[Adelle]

Hi Bounder,

 

I actually read another post of yours under another topic. The one about changing flight plans to make it to a party for the sole purpose of showing up with a date in front of her, lol. Believe me when I say this, I'm not laughing at you. I am just laughing at how silly things sound in retrospect ... breakups make you do crazy things and act in uncharacteristic ways. I know I have done some things that are really out there myself. You're only human, yeah it seems kind of silly now, but don't beat yourself up over it.

 

As for my response to your post here ...

Since we're both on the same end of this (i.e. dumpee), I can relate quite well to what you're saying. In my case, there were several situations like this in the past few months, where we were both there for each other. He had some problems unrelated to 'us' (like you said, confused about life), and I never thought, "ok I'm not going to be supportive and helpful anymore because you dumped me you jerk!" I still love him very much, so I did what felt right ... and I was there for him. About a month later, something pretty bad happened in my family (car accident, although everybody is fine now), and he was there for me through that as well.

 

As for what you're saying about her dumping you twice now, and that she lied about some very important things ... I'm not sure what to say about that. I was extremely lucky enough that my ex and I never did and still haven't told each other even so much as a white-lie. So being in my situation now, I don't know how i'd feel if there were some lies involved. It sounds like though, your feelings for her didn't sway too much based on this. What did sway, I would assume, is the way you see her as a person. Maybe you've lost a little respect for her in that one sense, I'm not sure. But she really needs to know (and only you can bring this to her attention), that its NOT ok to push you around like this ... breakup, makeup, breakup, makeup... where does it end, you know? And that lies are always a no-no, which she should know this by now as an adult in a serious relationship, but I guess not from what you're saying. After all the pushing around she's already done, now she's even giving you a hard time for *dancing* with another girl in front of her. Ok, as long as you weren't dry-humping in the middle of the dance floor or had your tongue half way down her throat ... then your ex cannot accuse you of being 'insensitive'. If anything you WERE sensitive, you purposely did NOT make out with her, from what you sounded like, right? And when it comes down to it, your simplest and best response to her concerning this should be "yes, maybe I inadvertantly hurt you by having fun with another girl in your near vicinity (lol) ...but guess what? you too were having fun with your date. So please stop being a hypocrite." That should put her in her place (not to be too harsh! but you know what I mean!)

 

In general, you can take the high road and be a gentleman even if you're the dumpee, if that's what feels right to you. No Contact is not always the answer ... its just cookie cutter advice. Go to any topic in this entire website, what's the single most piece of 'advice' people give? Exactly. If NC is the answer to EVERYTHING, they why the heck are we all even on here pouring our hearts out!

Having said that, just be careful about one thing ... make sure --make VERY sure-- that she knows, you being a gentleman and not rudely/abruptly cutting her out of your life does NOT mean you're sitting there waiting for her to run you over again, so to speak. Simply put, she should know you're nice, but not that nice. And should she realize her mistake and want to get back together, that you won't just be sitting there with open arms no questions asked. The consequence of her current actions will be that, 1)she has to figure out whether you even want to get back together anymore, 2) if so, she should win you back ...

 

My posts are always SO long! Once I get going, I keep going, lol. I went of on a lot of tangents ... but I hope this helps a little.

Just my two cents!

[kskm]

The real question that you need to be asking yourself is what do you want to do? If you are wanting to move on then the "cookie cutter" answer- no contact- works well because it gives you space and time to think about what you want and need, time to grow and learn from your mistakes.. gives you time to breath...

 

I tried to take the "nice" road with my ex-of 5 years- and it kept getting me back to the same place, he thought that I was "leading him on" through being nice, and answering his calls, and answering the door whenever he came over. So when I decided that I really did want to move on I did no contact that it worked. Now that it's been a year and a half we can go to lunch and have normal conversations and be friends without having to worry about leading each other on. I truly learned a lot about myself during that time, and I think that you shouldn't put no contact out of your mind.