I like her more than as just a friend but...

[david_n]

Hey there, I need either need some advice or a slap, you decide!

 

I met this girl at work 2 years ago. I really liked her; I'm pretty shy but after a few months I told her. She wasn't ready for anything then, her personal and family life was quite messed up but she didn't dismiss anything in the future. We still saw each other at work and I helped her with some computer stuff for university. Then her family life and relations with other people at work went downhill and she left her job angry with a lot of people, me included.

 

Over the next months I saw her once or twice at parties and group nights out. We got on ok and I went round to her house every now and then to help her with computer problems (I used to work IT support).

 

And that's how it stayed until earlier this year. I helped her move house. I helped her with more IT stuff and then gradually we started to see each other more 'socially' but here's the problem; I still like her a lot, she still has all the qualities that attracted me to her in the first place but our relationship as it stands is starting to get to me. We go out to the cinema and to dinner and spend afternoons shopping but we're nothing more than good friends. That should be great. That should be just fine and dandy but it's not.

 

I feel down when she doesn't call or reply to a text. When we're together at her place, we can't just sit there without feeling uncomfortable. For example, if I go round to help her with something, a minute or two after I've finished I end up asking her if I should go and she usually, sheepishly, says something about being tired or needing an early night. This makes me feel really flat and used.

 

The thing is, I'm not exactly sure what else we could do that would resolve my 'issues'. I have no doubt that any sex or similar intimacy would end our relationship. I guess I'm just a little hacked off that another girl likes me as just a friend. Whatever it is, I'm getting really down about this thing and I doubt she'd have a clue how I felt.

 

So what I'm asking is; how do I really tell if she just wants to be friends? And if that's so, what can I do in my head to make that ok and not kill our friendship?

 

Any advice or help greatly appreciated!

 

dn

[Anna133]

The key in a relationship is honesty. You need to be honest with her. Tell her that it makes you uncomfortable. Tell her that you like her a lot still and that you really enjoy spending time with her. Tell her that you don't want to reck your friendship for saying all this but you really need an anwser. And then go from there. If you tell her this and she says she's tired or something ( which she won't) which is an excuse to get out of the conversation, tell her that you will just bring up the conversation again but be nice about it. Tell her that her friendship means a lot to you. But you need to respect that maybe all she wants is to be your friend. But you never know. Hope this helped somewhat.

[DN]

If you are not getting what you need from a relationship (or friendship) then it is time to re-evaluate.

 

It doesn't seem as if she is that interested in you romantically but you won't really know unless you ask her. Be prepared to lose the friendship but it seems that is a little one-sided anyway.

[david_n]

Thanks for the replies, any thoughts on my situation are more than helpfull.

 

So, it looks like I have to tell her that I feel things are a little one sided and part of why I feel that way is that I'm still attracted to her. To be honest here, it seems like a no-win situation. I either go on feeling like this or lose our friendship. That sucks.

 

I've always thought of friendship as something you give to, but when it feels like you don't get anything back perhaps it is time to re-evaluate.

[DN]

Friendships - like relationships - need balance. Otherwise they don't work properly and somebody ends up feeling used and hurt.

[darkblue]

*Slap*...

 

 

She doesn't know you're interested and nothing magical will happen overnight to make her realize you are. Unless! you tell her how you feel.

 

Head or Heart?

 

Friendship or possible relationship?

 

Tell her and see her reaction, or stay friends never knowing.

 

You run the risk of losing a friendship, but is that what you are really satisfied with?

 

Good luck.

[SkyFire]

link removed

[Shidoshi]

She knows you like her, she's not that naive. You telling her "again" that you like her isn't going to help you one bit, in fact it may hurt you. You can try and escalate things by "showing" her, as in flirting and what not, but from the sounds of things you aren't going to get anywhere. Try just being playful and generally a fun guy to be around, even ignore her sometimes, make her feel like she isn't at the top of your list of priorities. Other than that you probably just need to move on.

[david_n]

Thank you all once again, all your advice has given me lots to think about.

 

On the one hand she might know I like her, on the other she might not. If I agree with the former then Shidoshi's advice makes sense. I think I need to take her off the top of my list of priorities.

 

I'll never really know either way so I'll have to tell her soon how I feel. Any kind of negative response will be easier to take if she's not all I think about and I'm in a place where I can move on if I have to.

 

I ride BMX, I do dirt jumps at the local track. Some days I'm there and no matter what I do I just can't find a rhythm; I get frustrated but the more I push the less I succeed. On days like these, when it's just not happening, I have to take a deep breath, stop and go do something else. This is how I feel now with my friend. It's not her fault, I could push more but it's just not happening.

 

It feels sad, really sad but maybe it's time to go do something else.

[Shidoshi]

I'll never really know either way so I'll have to tell her soon how I feel.

I'm telling you dude, she knows.

I really liked her; I'm pretty shy but after a few months I told her. She wasn't ready for anything then, her personal and family life was quite messed up but she didn't dismiss anything in the future.

Women say things like that to guys they aren't interested in. When a girl likes you she makes it "easy" for you. What makes you think she's changed her mind? I repeat, don't "tell" her you like her, SHOW her...

 

Talk to her about your feelings and I guarantee you won't get any further. I could be wrong, but I feel strongly about this based on my own experience.

[david_n]

I'm telling you dude, she knows.

Ok, so she knows and quite plainly isn't interested in the same thing. So what do I do now? I could try being more flirty but as mentioned before this seems unlikely to get anywhere. If I have to 'move on' what does that really mean? Do I simply stop calling her or ignoring her? I know it's not like splitting up with a girlfriend but I'm not going to feel good about this right?

 

I'm gradually realising that if you don't know whether a girl likes you or not, she doesn't...

[Shidoshi]

I could try being more flirty but as mentioned before this seems unlikely to get anywhere.

If you can't get anywhere with flirting I say you have no chance. That's something you MUST be able to do in order to escalate things. When you did flirt, how did she react?

If I have to 'move on' what does that really mean? Do I simply stop calling her or ignoring her? I know it's not like splitting up with a girlfriend but I'm not going to feel good about this right?

What's going to make you feel better, wishing you could be with her when you can't, or finding other women who ARE interested? You don't have to be rude and totally ignore her if she speaks to you, just treat her as if she's just another aquaintence.

I'm gradually realising that if you don't know whether a girl likes you or not, she doesn't...

No man, that's not it. There are things you can do to gauge her interest level in you. Even little things like putting your arm around her when you guys are watching a movie, etc.. Too many things to list. The only thing I'm recommending is that you don't just come out and tell her your feelings. Women are good at interpreting body language and behavior, why spoil the mystery by spilling your guts before you you know whether or not she likes you back? Actions my friend, ACTIONS.