Dumped by a rape victim?

[arcane5]

Hi - I just discovered this forum... it seems as though there is good advice to be had here - any insight is appreciated.

 

Anyway, I'm in a difficult situation, but it's not one that I imagine is totally unique. My girlfriend (now ex-g/f I suppose) broke up with me last week after a month of panic and confusion on her behalf. Our relationship had almost literally no problems prior to that, until one day she basically had a panic attack... She began suffering fear and confusion over the idea of being in love and in a committed relationship. She began to push me away even though she loves me and she herself says that I'm the "man of her dreams".

 

Here's the problem:

 

She was raped three years ago, and she pulled herself through it with strong will and positive thinking, which I admire her very much for. Though she appears perfectly healed in her day-to-day activities, she is still unable to accept the idea of being in love with somebody and relying on that person. Through several relationships prior to ours she had never been in love, and with me she finally succeeded in opening up and falling in love, but finally the panic has caught up with her.

 

Our break-up has been extremely difficult for me because I did nothing wrong, and I also don't feel as though I can blame her for her anxiety. I want to help her with her latent pain from that traumatic experience, but am not in a position to do so. In the wake of our break-up she wants me to be there for her like a boyfriend would, but to actually accept me as a boyfriend is an overwhelming thought to her... In the aftermath of being raped, she decided at some point that she could only really trust and depend on herself.

 

The reality of it is that there are indirect victims of rape... Has anybody else ever been in my position?

[darkblue]

I think that if you are caring enough to post on this forum; you really do want to be there for her. That is very admirable.

 

It's obviously very difficult for her to open up and follow her heart due to these horrific experiences. You must bear with this if you have any chance with her.

 

Trust must be built to a very high degree.

 

I advise councilling/therapy. Has she had any prior to the relationship?

 

I think you should be there for her. As much or as little as she will let you be.

 

Keep in contact and let her know you are still there for her.

 

After she is able to see you again and has worked through some of her own problems. You should attend a partner therapy. Whereby you would both be present and talk through some deep issues.

 

Good luck and take care.

[arcane5]

Thanks for the reply... I definitely do want to be there and support her, but it's difficult because for a month prior to breaking up with me, she slowly shut me out. She wouldn't open up to me at all, she didn't want to see me - basically she behaved as though she hated me... she's been very apologetic through the break-up though, so I know it hasn't been a personal thing.

 

She's never been to counselling, though there are people advising her to do so. The problem is that she did very well pulling herself through the darkest days, and she's scared that if she sees a professional that she'll have to recount the worst experience of her life. She's afraid to open old wounds... I'm not sure what to say to this - I told her that she probably wouldn't have to go into any detail that she didn't feel comfortable giving... am I right?

[darkblue]

She can give as little or as much detail as she is comfortable with. Tell her that. No one is going to force anything out of her that she is uncomfortable with.

 

It's comendable that you are doing this with her.

 

Remember - she is only covering 'old wounds' she is not healing them.

 

She may feel that, because she has pulled through this herself; she doesn't need an outsider. But for the sake of any relationship - She Must sort these problems one way or the other.

 

Be there for her - this is a painful time in her life if she is to reopen this dreadful past. She needs the support even if it's only you phoning her; or being there with her through it.

[iamconfused5302]

Hi Arcane,

 

I was kind of in your situation. I had a relationship where my Ex was a manic depressant/ bi polar. Her father was very abusive. Our relationship was for a year and half. Believe me it was very hard on me. She kept alot of things in, telling me I wont understand, that we shouldnt be together. You know what I tried and be there for her almost 24/7. cause i loved her. She saw a psychiatrist. most of the time i was there for her. So anyways what im trying to say to you. is that tell your ex. that you will always be there for her and you respect her decision. I wouldnt push the issue, if so you will push her away. She prob. needs some space, like my other 2 gf's did. Time to think. I mean if it makes it feel any better, you can offer to go to her sessions and be there for her. That shows great deal of support. If she does call or gets to hang out with you. then you should be her supporting/caring friend. nothing more. If the relationship comes in the future it will. thats whens she ready. she has to think about her , because of the situation. That is , having a gap between you guys. hey email me if u want. if nething else.

Good luck

[arcane5]

Anybody else have any advice for me? - I'll be sure to drop my two cents in your thread if you have any insight for me... any fresh perspective helps.

[HaloDestroyer]

Yeah... I have some advice...

 

Uhm... It's kinda difficult... I mean. I've never really talked to anyone about this. Ever.

 

About a year ago, I was in a relationship that had been going on for about 2 years...

 

No problems at all, infact, me and my girlfriend of the time were considering marriage.

 

But... I slipped into depression. Manic depression. I developed several complexes, including paranoia, and one that's akin to ShellShock.

 

I did to my girlfriend what your girlfriend has done to you. I shut her out, slowly, and in the end, we hardly talked...

 

As I got over my depression, the problem cleared up. I started dating again, and am now engaged!!

 

Your girlfriend needs to exorcise her demons before she can fully trust you again. This WILL take time, but stick with her. It sounds like she needs you.

 

I hope everything turns out alright.

 

XxX-Ben-xXx

[serenity25]

Hi, I have been in a somewhat similar situation as your ex so maybe I can be of some help. When I was seventeen I was in a very abusive relationship and was assaulted when trying to end it. Dating after that experience was very rough...I immediately entered a serious relationship. Lucky for me it was with a very gentle, understanding person but I at times found myself still deeply depressed and dealing with so much pent up anger and resentment. It is hard to let someone so close when you are in so much pain...the anger inside of her must be overwhelming because she was forced to feel like a victim. She most likely doesn't feel ready to hand over that vulnerability to you because in a way, to her, it means handing over control. If you are a serious boyfriend to her, you have the power to hurt her. If she keeps you at a distance, even if it is technical...she maintains the control. Everyone is different so I cannot tell you exactly what she is thinking...but I do know about the emotions she must be going through. In my case, the relationship I entered into right after this break-up was helpful although I ended up hurting the guy because I realized I wasn't really in love with him later on, but I think I jumped into things too fast. It doesn't sound like that is the case with your girlfriend since this happened three years ago.

The relationship I entered after this other failed one, was when I had my own heart broken suddenly. However, he too had helped me through some of the emotions that come up in the aftermath of any trauma. Based on my own experience, my advice to you is to give her space when she needs it without question or making her feel guilty. At times, I would just need to be alone and it felt wonderful when my boyfriend understood that and was kind about it, just letting me know that he was there if I needed him. Be gentle with her always. Listen to her. She may try to push you away and that means give her space but don't abandon her if you love her. Let her know that you are there and thinking of her. Do sweet things for her that don't necessarily involve seeing her. Leave flowers at her door, send her a humorous or sweet card...anything to cheer her up and make her feel special. Just don't smother her because like I said, space is important but just think of the saying, "space with support." If it will help her to overcome her issues by not really calling you a boyfriend and you feel you can be ok with that, then I say go for it but she should be seeking professional counseling during this time. Still be there for her and then if she works through these issues, you can be there every step of the way- as she allows you to be. Maybe you can even attend "some" of the counseling sessions with her to learn about what rape victims go through psychologically. If you take anything from this post, remember to talk with her and truly listen. If you love her which I'm sure you do, follow her needs but also be true to yourself. In the end, it will play out how it is meant to. Just remember that if you truly love someone, you stand by them through the bad times also and maybe she really needs someone to stand by her during this time. Do you feel she would do the same for you? I hope maybe I have said something to help....if you would like to talk more or have any questions, feel free to ask or pm me. Good luck.