Ruined a friendship and relationship with my ex

[mrsadman]

(Slightly edited) My story is I lost my girlfriend in Feb she dumped because I told her I love her in one month and she was not ready for that. But the real story when the relationship ended because we are in the same class and we have to go every other day. Since I wasn't strong enough to stop contact with her after she broke up with me I sent her two emails telling her I want her back and could we still be friends again. I only wrote that stuff about being friends because I thought that I would get a quicker response that way I was way too in love with her to be friends at least that quick. I know people say you shouldn't email her after she broke up with you but I just could not help I had to try to change her mind.

 

But back to the class issue I was in the same class as her and we said hi to each other for the first three days back but after that we didn't speak to each other. Not having her hurt so much that I couldn't even look at her not because I was mad at her only because I could not look at her face because I was so sad and everytime I looked at her beautiful face I would think of all the good times we had and now its over. Now it might of seemed like to her that I didn't like her anymore which might have made her hate me, I don't want her to hate me, but I just couldn't look at her face. I'm a quiet guy anyway so I didn't say much in class I just stared forward and that was it, I probably had a sad look on my face. Which might have mad her even madder at me even though I'm a nice guy.

 

Why do when you fall in love it makes you do stupid things I wanted to still be nice to her I just couldn't communicate with her or look at her anymore. Now the other bad news is that our friend came to me one day we haven't spoken in a while and she asked me that she heard me and my girl broke up I said yes. She said, my girl said I took the news good, but I told the friend that I took it hard. She asked me if we were still friends and I said no like a dummy even though I liked her too much to be her friend I should have said yes anyway why does love make you say stuff you don't necessarily mean. My friend then said, do you still like her and I said yes I do still like her. Now its a double lost I lost my girlfriend who was my best friend. Since she is popular I lost all the friends I met through her in college.

 

Do you have any advice on what should I do to get back in her good graces when I get back from summer break now I really want her as a friend. She has a new boyfriend now and she got with him after two months of breaking it off with me, so its too late to speak to her when I get back and I wrote three emails telling her I want her back and that at least we could still be friends, so its too late to write her another email one more email to her she would really might be upset with me. I don't want to lose her as a friend I only said we weren't friends because we didn't speak to each other anymore, it wasn't a bad breakup with yelling and screaming she just didn't want a serious relationship and with all the things I said about how much I love her only in one month she just was just not ready but it still has me depressed even now.

 

Now its summer time and I'm still in the what if stage of grief from a breakup. Its eating away at my sanity all I think about is all the mistakes I made, I'm human everyone makes mistakes (I didn't make that many mistakes though, but maybe now that I think maybe I did or is that just this stage eating away at my sanity) but I can't get out of this stage. This stage is suppose to be the shortest one and I'm still in it. Does anybody know how to get out of it, its killing me to think of all the things I wish I had done and hadn't done and said. Has anybody said something to a friend about a broken relationship they didn't mean, how did you get back into your ex's good graces. We were good friends before we got together and now I have ruined and feel like a total loser just because I couldn't accept not having her as a boyfriend. Has anyone messed up a friendship and relationship in one fall swoop just because they always want to be more.

[activelife81]

you have a long story there man, and i have a response...it's something that took alot of pain and time for me to learn....

 

Find someone thats as passionate as yourself. if you like to be close, find a girl that likes to be close. if you like it casual, find a chick that feels the same way and likes to do her own thing most of the time.

 

and about the actual "finding" part...first of all, you cant force love to happen...if the feelings were not mutual then seriously let it go because you're not missing out on anything. secondly, once you do find someone you love and who loves you back...just take it easy for a while and dont try to rush things by being too smothering. yes girls like affection but they are individuals and want their space and their time away too.

[caliboy]

hey don't feel bad about sending her the post-breakup emails. i did waaaaay more then that with my ex, but i don't think in the end it really matters. they understand we're hurt, so there's gonna be some heartache. more for some then others (like myself). she'll remember you as the person you were throughout your relationship. the begging and post-breakup drama is a normal reaction. if anything, it shows her that you truly did care about the relationship.

 

just don't talk to her for awhile, and see what happens. not only that, but after awhile of not communicating with her, you'll naturally let go, move on and be yourself again. and you'll be happy again. i know this is hard to believe, but it's true. i haven't talked to my ex in about 2 weeks now, and i already feel myself coming out of this depression. if she contacts you, then that's great - she obviously still cares for you. if not, then you'll know it wasn't meant to be and you can use that as your final way of getting over her. i feel your pain, cause i'm going through the same exact thing. hang in there and keep posting, cause it helps. try and meet a new girl, even as just a good friend. i've found this helps.

[michelemybell]

I like the responses you received so far. My story is the same as Caliboy (and I'm a Caligirl!)

I'm in the same situation as you, but I've recently realized something and it's made a world of difference---Don't shoulder all the blame. If you do, you'll be racked with guilt. You are making her sound like a princess in all of this, and not giving her fair share of blame. I know you are looking at her with rosy-colored glasses right now, but to me she kinda sounds like a b****!

My problem with my ex was that he could do a million things that were shitty and never once apologized. (I was always apologizing for him for being upset at his shitty behavior) But for me I was constantly walking on eggshells trying to be perfect----and when my halo slipped he didn't stand by me. (And if you compared my ex and I, you would wonder why I would've stayed with him for so long---ahhhh, it's nice to be at that point where I can say that!)

Right now you are replaying scenes in your head and it's driving you crazy. But you will get to the point where you'll realize you did the right things given the circumstances. You sound like a great guy---stand tall and don't apologize (unless you are a true asshole, but I highly doubt it. And if you made mistakes, you're like the rest of us---HUMAN!!!) The only way to speed up the process is to cut all contact---and that's hard to do. It took me weeks and weeks to do. But it will make you feel a whole lot better and in control.

[mrsadman]

Thanks for the advice all, right now I'm putting all the blame on me but I can't help that I don't like putting blame on anyone else but myself when things go wrong in a situation that I'm in. I wish I could stop it but this dang "what if" stage of being broke up with is killing me I'm even thinking about transferring to a different university for the fall semester just so I won't have to face her and get sad when I look at her I still love her so much. Yeah cali I don't think the begging really mattered in she was not changing her mind and to be honest I think it made her feel creepy for the saying I love her every so much in the emails but I could not help it. I even got two jobs one 9am-5pm the other 6pm-11pm every day, which you would think that much work everyday would keep my mind busy it does for a little bit, but I still think about her every freaking second. Its been four month and a couple weeks and I'm still grieving over this one month relationship. Is this normal to still be grieving because she was my first gf and I love her or is this something that I need to go to couseling about this. My mom says I should not transfer but I think it may be to hard not to transfer its a small school and I know I will see her with her new boyfriend he will actually live on my same hall for the fall semester if I don't transfer and I'm sure I will run into him an her coming out of his room and my mind will wander and I will be sad again hence the name mrsadman. I got the name from a friend at the university she says I always look sad and never look happy especially after she broke up with me.

[crookster_man]

Okay... is it wrong to be sad after 4 months for only a one month relationship? Well that all depends on the situation. I experienced that when I was much younger; however I've learned my lesson. It's not wrong, but it's not healthy.

 

Why is this situation so important to you? Does it really deserve this much attention or are you blowing it way out of proportion? I think if you looked at this matter with a glimmer of objectivity you would realize that it is truly not a life or death situation however you are making it one.

 

You need to develop cooping skills. It's quite clear that you have slim to none. That's not your fault; you've just never had to deal with this kind of event before. Your inexperienced, trust me once you figure out how to heal these things will be much easier. I think you should defiantly start reading books on dealing with break ups. Maybe you should talk to a grief counselor; they could give some good cooping strategies.

 

You want to start new hobbies and be active, start working out, join a club. Read and write, it really makes a difference. Don't feel bad about being this upset for so long. Even though you might feel weird that you're still sad don't worry about it. Everyone heals at there own pace. If you start thinking about her, stop yourself. Actively force out negative thoughts. Remember you are the master of your mind, it does not control you.

 

Take what positive lessons you can from this relationship and move on. Make this a positive experience, think of all the things you have gained. Honestly, you won't be sad forever, you will move on. Eventually this experience will be a source of strength and growth. Isn't that the point of a relationship? To help you grow. Start your self on the road to healing.

 

It's okay to be sad and frustrated, but realize that in time this will pass. Why do you do what if's? What happened has happened. Don't regret your choices, learn from them. Would you have rather never dated anyone, never experienced love? Never known what it means to care for someone? Never grow? I think not. Don't forget that.

[mrsadman]

Yeah your right I don't regret being in the relationship well except a couple times because I feel so sad and depressed for not being a perfect bf and maybe then she would have gave it more time to work out, but she didn't what happened has happened I can't change it no matter how bad I want to. I still love her and least I got to experience that she was my first gf and that will never change. I will have to learn from my mistakes and hope I do better the next time I definitely won't be telling the next one if I can ever get one I love her I won't ever say it after being broke up for feeling that way so early.