anxiety after first vacation with BF...help!

[nygirl79]

hi everyone. well here is my dilemma. My BF and i have been together for almost 2 years. We have been very happy together for the most part, but he has a LOT of stress in his life right now (career goals, problem w/ parents not being there for him, some debt, insecurities, etc). These problems have always been things i can be there for him about and to help him through. Last week, I took him with me on my family's annual vacation to ocean city, maryland. This was our 6th consecutive year, and we always have an amazing time. I was SO looking forward to this trip. My boyfriend expressed concern about all the stuff he has to deal with at home, and almost didn't go with us, but he worked it out and was able to go. It started off great, and I was so happy to be there with him. BUT then the problems began....my sister and her BF were constantly fighting and bickering and she was constantly complaining about every little thing, from the heat, to the food at the restaurants. Everything was all about her. she was bossy, demanding and called her BF names several times. She was absolutely miserable (for no real reason I might add). Well, this really brought myBF down. He was away with us to relax and get away from him stress at home, but we spent all week dealing with more stress caused by my inconsiderate sister.

 

He ended up staying behind the last nights while everyone else went out and did things. He zoned out a lot during the trip, and seemed discontent with the way the trip was laid out. We sort of go minute to minute, not really planning ahead and sometimes we'd all be sitting around waiting to figure out what to do next. He did not really understand why things were that way and was always anxious to get out and do something. He kept insisting we leave my sister behind, since she was being so miserable. We all know how to ignore her, because it's pretty much how she has always been. I still figured out how to have fun and relax, but it was too hard for my BF and he let it get to him, to the point where he can say he wish he had just stayed home. I am SO disappointed by this, i am home now, and am having severe anxiety. I look forward to this trip every year, and now i feel like this one has been tainted and now i cant think about it in a positive way. It is making me feel resentful towards my BF. He feels horrible about it and wishes he had acted differently in retrospect.

 

Does anyone have any advice on how to get our relationship back on track? I just feel like now i wont be able to enjoy another vacation with him. I know a lot of it is due to his stress at home, that i hope will soon all be just a bad memory. I just wish he could have let go and relaxed for my sake. I love him so much and do not want to resent him like this. It just hurts that in a weeks time, i could get so anxious and stressed out about our future. I wish i could just look at it like it was only a week, and we will have more chances to have better vacations. It just hurts b/c i have been comparing it to all the previous years (when it was just me and my family without the complications of bfs, etc). Maybe i am just scared that the dynamics are now shifting and the trip may have to change a little to accommodate so many different personalities. It just hurts and i'm scared....any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!!

[jna35]

First off, I think it would have been nice if he could have relaxed for HIS sake, not yours. It sounds like he has a lot of stress that he's dealing with and just couldn't handle your sister's attitude. There's no crime in that. It's too bad that you didn't have as good of time as you would like, but if you're planning on being with this guy for the long haul then you best get used to the "bumps in the road." Sometimes stress gets the best of us. It's no one's fault, it just kinda happens. I don't particularly see why you resent your bf. He didn't act that way to hurt you- he's just stressed out!! If I were to be mad at anyone, I'd be mad at your sister for causing more undue stress!! I wouldn't worry about future vacations. Just because this one didn't turn out doesn't mean that all future ones will be ruined as well. I would acknowledge his feelings, give him a hug, and let it go!! Don't hold on to the petty things. They ruin relationships. Good luck!

[smallworld]

Hey Nygirl, once upon a time I went on vacation with 3 of my best friends for two weeks to England. It was one of the most fun and excruciating experiences of my life. Let's just say you really don't get to know someone until you "vacation" with them and have to put up with all their personal quirks and agendas on an unrelenting ongoing daily basis.

 

This England trip taught me that we all "vacation" differently. Some people prefer to plan the entire trip out (including meals down to exactly what they're going to eat!?!), while others like to blindfold themselves, throw a dart at a map and see where fate takes them.

 

Your boyfriend sounds like more of the former, a "Type A" kinda guy. He had to "plan" and finish up a lot of tasks in order to justify to himself the right to go on a vacation with you, so it's no surprise to me that he didn't enjoy this trip too much (especially if your sister was having what sounds like pms.)

 

The good news is this doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your relatioship or that every vacation you share with him from this point on is doomed. With future vacations you just need to keep in mind that he's a "planner" and let him plan what he wants to do every day. Go with him! See if your family is interested in his plans too. If not, just meet up with them in the evening for dinner or whatever. This way everyone's happy and like a well-lived life there's a balance... between planning and serendipity.

[DN]

Family dynamics do change as significant others enter the picture and things have to adjust. My own family has had to do the same thing as my daughters have either married or had children or moved in with boyfriends.

 

Part of the problem is that your family has allowed your sister to be a spoilt brat for so many years and are continuing to let her get away with it. The other part is that your boyfriend needs to relax a little more and adjust his way of thinking as well.

 

Try turning a negative into a positive. Don't think of this as tainting family holidays but adjusting to a new way. Treat it as a learning experience and try to think ahead to next year, and other family holidays, such as Christmas, so that everyone can readjust the way there habits and expectations in order that everyone can enjoy themselves. Negotiate and compromise. And have a family discussion (not argument) to let your sister know she has to stop behaving as if the world revolves around her - your parents should be involved in that one but not her boyfriend or your boyfriend.