need advice regarding getting over cheating

[suebob1]

sorry to rant on again but it has been bugging me. yesterday when i spoke to him regarding me moving he asked where an di just said in the same area as our house, he then said well how do you expect me(him)to move back to our house knowing i am in the area i just said whats the problem you have already said you have no intentions of moving her in anyway have you and he replied no but even if i did you have scuppered any plans if i did. what is he on about? why should it bother him? i just said that seeing as though i had chosen to stay in the area then i would have to deal with it. right from the start of all this it was me who said once the house goes from being ours to either mine or his then it wil be over for good and he always said that it was me tat said for good??just wondered if anyone could see what his problem was?

[DN]

He left you - he has no right to expect you to do or not do anything for the sake of his convenience or feelings.

 

Tell him to get lost.

[Hope75]

Hi Sue,

 

I am not sick of hearing from you at all so don't worry about that.

 

As for Bob, I don't think you can really trust much of what he says. He's been very good at lying to you and keeping information from you for a long time now and it should be no surprise that he skates all around the direct questions you ask him and never quite comes out with it.

 

I suspect he has more feelings for his gf than he has let on to you in an effort to continue to string you along though it seems he has no intention of taking you back (although if you agreed to cheat I suspect he might use you both-- I really dislike the manipulative way he is treating both his gf and you.)

 

If I were you I would stop interrogating him about his gf and your relationship, b/c you never really get any straight answers and it just frustrates you more, and besides, it's really none of your business now, as your relationship with him is over and has been for quite some time.

 

Try to keep your conversations limited to matters of finance and the house, and leave it at that. It doesn't do you any good to harp on his relationship with her or where he is most happy, because you know the answer to that, it is with her, as he is with her and choosing to be with her over you every day.

 

I'm sorry I know that hurts and it's a lousy break but honestly Honey, you are so much better off without him because he treats you with no respect or kindness or love.

 

Remember his actions, as they continue to write off what he says as bogus.

 

Hang in there OK??

 

When do you move?

[bella1984]

hey there honey...I know what your going though I was engagged when I was 18 years old..Loved him with all my heart but alas he cheated on me with his best friends sister..I took him back went to get married and to many weird stuff kept happening..I broke it off..and guess what sweetie...I'm so much stronger now...more than ever..I've found a wonderful man that makes me feel like I'm the best thing in the world...and I feel the same for him..No you'll never forget but you do need to forgive...God didn't say to forgive your enemies for a reason. He knew he had a purpose and you do too...I wish I could help you more but that's what's helped me get over my ex...You will do fine darlin...

[suebob1]

hello all,i am back again, looking for support i suppose. Well i thought i had been doing really well, my new house is in the process and i had told him i could no longer be friends as too hard as i still felt strongly about him, he turned round and still says that the only reason for him not being back with me is because of the way i go on at him abput her and us??? now i have put the dampner on things by saying that we cannot be friends, all i said was that how can things change between us whilst he is with her, he also says that any actions that have been made have been made by me,meaning me buying a new house he says that he has never asked me to leave etc???

i still love him very much and still want to be back with him!! he says he cannot see it going anywhere with her and that he doesnt want to move in with her or her to move into our house with him???

i have just said (trying to be strong) that it is too late for us now i am moving out into my own house, part of me cant wait but part of me is scared. i am having thoughts about another person,someone from our local and people have already started to associate me with this new person even though we go out in a group i suppose it is because we are both single. i think it may be a bit too close to home what do you think?

i dont know why i still feel the way i do about bob but i do he says i am impatient? people say if it is meant to be then we will get back together, i just dont know why he is doing what he is doing with her?

[Hope75]

Oh Honey,

 

You know you have to look at what he's doing over what he is saying.

 

He's been feeding you this same line for months and he is still with her. This is not the first time he has said this to you, and ask yourself, what's changed? Don't you think if he were really interested in being with you, that even if he didn't move back in with you right away, he would leave her and be living on his own while he tried to prove to you that he was sorry and honestly wanted to work towards working it out?

 

He is still blaming YOU for being upset that he he cheated and moved in with his gf and for not just sitting back and accepting that and being there for him! Doesn't that seem a bit selfish to you? Doesn't it make you angry?

 

He has still not accepted any responsibility for how he has hurt you. This is not your fault, none of it is, no matter what he is telling you. The fact remains that he is with her because he wants to be, and for no other reason. If he didn't he would not be with her, plain and simple. This guy is playing you for all he is worth, and it's really quite pathetic.

 

Sue, you have made tremendous progress and you are now beginning to realize that after 7 months of feeding you lines and showing no action that he isn't worth the agony he has put you through and you are taking steps to move on, and for that I am very proud of you.

 

Don't let him manipulate you any more. You have already wasted too much time on him when he has shown you every day by being with her that he isn't interested in coming back or being faithful.

 

Good for you honey, no one deserves to be treated like this. If he loved and respected you, he would never do this to you. NEVER.

[suebob1]

i felt the need to vent today. Yesterday was a crap day, i am slowly getting things sorted with my new house, part of me is ready to go and the other thinks that me leaving our home will ruin any future chances of us!!

anyhow yesterday i found out that he had returned from holiday with her and gone to his mothers with her, this is the first time she would have met her,i alsways said from the beginning that once she meets his mother then i know i am out of the oicture for good(i know i am silly) well anyway maybe he only went to his mothers cos she only lives a few miles away from the airport and he would have looked a total T**t if he hadnt gone and also because other woman wmay have been nagging him to meet his mum and he wouldnt have been able to get out of it with her living so close.(what has it got to do with me) i dont know but it really bothers me silly arent i. I was told by his mother that the other girl looks just like me but is very dim and that she cannot see them being together long as she is just not bobs type.

His mum had a chat with him and he is still saying that me going on has pushed him away and that once i leave our house he will not be moving her in, he is quote addement about this, his mum seems to think that once he moves back to the house he will just go back to seeing her few times a week then he will start to go back into his old routine,as she doesnt think it is serious with her.

why am i letting this bother me, i love him so much some days i feel as though i am moving on then i have a down day. I spoke to him today anda sked how his hols were and he just said they were ok,he was fine and when i said about her now being part of the family cos he took her to meet them he just said that he wouldnt have said that?

i suppose i think part of me(i know you are all going think i am stupid) thinks that by me moving into my own house, and if he moves back into our house he will slowly stop seeing her and we will build up a friendship and slowly get back together, he is the one saying he doesnt want to lose the friendship, i have said on numerous occasions that i cannot be friends but i suppose deep down i want to be cos i am frightened of missing any chance of getting back with him!

i suppose once i have gone and i see him starting to go back to his old routine that is when i will tell if he wants to be with her or not, i dont know why i focus on her so much?he has also said that it is me who has left our house and that he has never asked me to leave but just cannot be with me at the minute, i truley believe in time i hadnt gone on he would have come back and still will if i leave him alone and stop going on about her and us, he says he loves me but is just not in love with me.

if he moves back to our house without her dont you think this is a sign that it was never really serious with her and that he was only with her and poss living with her to get away from me for a while.

I know i must seem as though i need a good slap!!

part of me wants to go out and meet someone else i have had offers but i just dont think it would be fare when i still have such strong feelings for him and i think i will for a very long time. Also what are your views on this - in october i/we are going to my friends 30th birthday(he has never met her in the 8 yrs we have been together as she has been away) i sent him the details a few months ago cos my friend asked e to and even though we are going through all this he still said he would go and is still going why would he,why is he?

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Sue,

 

I know this is the first time I've replied but I have been keeping track of everything. Sue, let me tell you this one thing, I was this man at one point in my life. Everything was someone else's fault, I was completely blameless for my own actions. Difference between me and him is that I grew up 10 years ago. It took me losing almost everything I held dear, but I realized that I wasn't the little angel I thought I was. Now I take responsibility for my own actions.

 

Face it, he is a imature teenager in a grown man's body. The way he keeps putting the blame on you is pathetic. I mean, come on, I'm pretty sure that he has complete control over his own actions, there's this thing called a brain in everyone's head that does that. Ultimately the fact that he's doing these things makes him 100% to blame.

 

From what I've read about here about you I can tell you this much. He does not deserve a loving, dedicated, kind, caring woman like you. The fact that even after all this, you still love him is a testimate to the fact that you are a warm loving woman. Don't waste that love on someone who doesn't return it and treats you with disrespect. You made some very positive moves forward, keep on doing that. I know you're "seeing" someone new, my only advice that I can offer is to take it slow and don't rush things. You're still hurting and I would hate to hear that you hurt yourself some more.

 

I am very proud of the progress you've made and you should be too. It's only natural to have "what ifs" running through your mind but in all honesty, you've put more effort into trying to hold onto what you two had and making it work than anyone that I've ever known would. It's time for you to keep on moving on and move on with your life.

 

You CAN do it. It won't always be easy, but you can do it.

[suebob1]

thank you for your reply lonelyinasmalltown it is much appreciated. i am not seeing anyone at the moment i know i could if i wanted to but i really dont think it would be fare on the other person at present. i suppose i just want bob to wake up and realise what he has lost, do you think from what you have read he is just using this other girl?? i will never give up hope on him i just dont understand why he wants to stay friends when he doesnt want to be with me he always says if we cant be friends then we cant be anything else which i suppose is true in a way ad i do go on at him alot about her and how he feels about her i know i shouldnt but i always compare myself to her and whether or not he feels more for her than me.why has he gone for soemone that looks like me and is just me when i was 21? i have changed i am who i used to be when he first met me but he says this is like a slap in the face i suppose it is really.

[lillady898]

i suppose i just want bob to wake up and realise what he has lost

 

He can't wake up and realize this, because he hasn't really lost you. He's only lost you once you don't want him back anymore. Unfortunately, I don't feel that's the case right now.

 

If you really want to make him feel like he's lost something, move on and be happy without him. That's the best way to get back at anyone.

[suebob1]

thanks for that lillady i am trying to move on honest, i think it may hit home if and when he returns to our house and i am not there do you think? do you think he is using this girl i suppose time will tell if he moves back to the house without her which i think he will cos one of the things i said to him was that once i leave that house and if he moves her in or any other woman in i would never come back if he wanted me to and i think it has sunk in otherwise he wouldnt keep saying he isnt moving her in would he afterall he cant hurt my feelings anymore by saying that he was going to at the end of the day she doesnt even know where he lived or drank etc he has kept her totally separate why? cos it is easier to walk away when he has to! i will always want him back i dont know why but i will always love him.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

To answer your questions, and remember this is just my opinion

 

i suppose i just want bob to wake up and realise what he has lost, do you think from what you have read he is just using this other girl??

 

I honestly can't say for sure, but I would have to say no. If he was using her, after all this time, what would be the purpose for it?

 

i will never give up hope on him i just dont understand why he wants to stay friends when he doesnt want to be with me he always says if we cant be friends then we cant be anything else which i suppose is true in a way ad i do go on at him alot about her and how he feels about her i know i shouldnt but i always compare myself to her and whether or not he feels more for her than me.

 

This has an answer that I don't think you'll like. He want to use you as a backup in case this new thing doesn't work out. It's not fair, it's not nice, it's just the way people who cheat are like most of the time I find. When my ex from way back when cheated on me, she wanted to be friends after and I accepted. It hurt to watch her with someone else but it wasn't like we were best of friends so I was able to deal. One year later when they broke up she tried to get back with me. Then I realized I was "the Backup". It sucks to know I was still being used a year later.

 

why has he gone for soemone that looks like me and is just me when i was 21? i have changed i am who i used to be when he first met me but he says this is like a slap in the face i suppose it is really

 

This is weird. I honestly don't have an answer for that other than he might just like women who look like you and is trying to replace you with a newer model. It's dispicable if that's his reason though.

 

The thing you need to hold onto though is that you're better off without this guy and it's blatenty obvious that he doesn't deserve you.

[Hope75]

he says he loves me but is just not in love with me.

 

You have your answer, Sue.

 

For him this is over and has been for some time. It should not be your concern that he went on holiday with his gf and took her to meet his parents. Those are normal things that couples do, and you shouldn't be analyzing their lives.

 

He is gone, and Lonely is right, you have invested more time than anyone would hoping to get him back but I just don't see that happening. If that's what he wanted then he would be with you, and not her.

 

Let go of him, and try to have your own life. It's been far too long.

[RayKay]

I have to agree with what most posters have said so far - Hope and LonelyInASmallTown espescially.

 

Bob sounds absolutely "done". Not in sense he is not in some ways still keeping you near, but in sense what he has with this other girl, whether you feel is valid or not, is more important to him then being with you is. He is choosing her over you EVERY single day when he wakes up. Whether he took her to his mothers or not, he is choosing to be with her. And their relationship is IRRELEVANT to the relationship you have with him or don't have I should say at this point - it does not matter what they do, it is time for you to do what YOU need to do.

 

I can tell you this...when a man really wants you, he will make it VERY VERY VERY clear that he does, and be THERE.

 

The fact that he loves you, and says he is not IN love with you is everything you need to know as Hope said. Because in the history of relationships that line means that you are just not the right one for them, they no longer want to be with you. Of course he will still love you, he was with you a long time, and just because you leave does not mean you don't care - but you are not the one he wants to spend his life with.

 

I know all this comes accross as harsh, and I don't mean it to be abrasive, I just really want to say that in the past few months if he wanted to be with you, he'd be there. And that you MUST stop allowing HIS actions and what HE says to dictate YOUR life. You have yet to live for you again - because your mood, feelings all still depend on HIM right now. It's time for YOU to stand up for yourself, respect yourself, and realize that you deserve WAY better than someone who walks all over you and cheats on you - and then turns around and blames you for it!

 

You must work on healing and regaining YOUR strength again sweetie, please do it for yourself. Only then will you see how much better you deserve in your life, and only then can you accept much better.

[Mun]

I agree with everyone above and just want to add this : If he is indeed using her then will that make you feel better about all this?

Will it make you feel better knowing that he used this other woman and hurt her...instead of the one being used here being you? Is that what all the focus on her is about Suebob because I don't get it.

 

The bottom line is that he is still holding onto you while living with this other girl but has made no attempt to right things with you. Look at that and then evaluate this frienship you have with him and your feelings for him again. Does he deserve your loyalties?

Really, if he is a user then he is a liar...that doesn't make this any better... or rather, it shouldn't. Look at the big picture here if you can. She has feelings just like you do. What he is doing is not right to either one.

[suebob1]

thank you all yet again for all your support, i suppose in a way i am hoping he is just using her in a way i do feel sorry for her but at the end of the day she knew i existed when all this first started off.

i am trying to move on like i said part of me is really excited about moving into my own house but part of me is really scared, like i keep saying i will never give up hope about him i do love him very much but like in most posts the person he is at the moment is not the person i fell in love with.

i will be able to see how he feels about her if and when he moves back to our/his house, i just dont understand why he wants to stay friends with me part of me wants to say no no more friends but because of that littke bit of hope i have i am scaref taht if we dont remain friends then what chance if any is thereof us getting back together. at the moment it is him that is still voming to see me i have specifically told him to come to the house to get his post when i am not in but he only comes round when i am in why??

i think i will see a difference when i move out of our/his house i think he will slowly start to just see her once or twice a week like it first started off i know i emphasise on her way too much maybe its because i am jealous but he always says he cannot see a future with her?

i suppose i hope too much!!!

[Hope75]

i emphasise on her way too much maybe its because i am jealous but he always says he cannot see a future with her?

 

You know Sue, he says this, but again, where is he?? Look at his actions, girl! Wake up!

 

You are focusing way too much attention on her and him, he is your EX, he is with someone else and has been for what, 8 months now?

 

Remember, even if he is telling you he sees no future with her, he is choosing her over you every day, and he lied to you when he cheated on you with her and then went to be with her, so it's no surprise he's lying to you as well, and I don't understand why you just can't let this go. It's really sad. Everyday that he wakes up and chooses to be with her over you is another day in their future. They are having a future together each and every new day. Meanwhile, you are stuck in the past.

 

You have wasted so much time hoping he will come back and he just isn't.

 

Hopefully you will be moving into your own house soon enough and you can give him his house back, and then it shouldn't matter what he and his girlfriend do next, it's none on your business.

 

If you spend enough time on the outside looking in, you miss your own whole life passing you by. At this point if you had accepted it as over when he FIRST cheated on you, you could be happily single and over him by now, or seeing someone who actually loved and respected you.

 

Answer me this, I hear all about how much YOU love HIM, but do you REALLY think if he loved YOU he would have ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND and live with her for almost a year?? Look at his actions!

 

Can you admit that it's over? That he doesn't want to be with you or he would be?

[suebob1]

i know i know i am really sorry i do need to wake up but deep in my heart i think we will be back together not soon but eventually, i have changed i am the person i used to be and that is why he is saying it is like a slap in the face to him because i should never have got into the mess that i did, i took him for granted i thought we would be together for ever. At the end of the day when i move out it will be him that will have to fight for the friendship he is the one who says if we cant be friends then we cannot be anything else.

i do really believe that he will move back without her as at the end of the day when/if it dies off with her he can just walk away as she doesnt know where he lives or anything, i know it is none of my business and part of me doesnt want to accept we are not together when i lost him i lost my best friend and my lover i just wish we could turn back the clock. People have said that if and when he comes back to the house he will realise that i have changed,even though i am moving i am still living in the same area as him so if/when he slides back into his old life he will see me and how i am the old me not the one he fell out of love with.

Like i have said part of me is excited about going but part of me is scared as there is no going back and i suppose i am scared of what i may see but that is something i will have to deal with and vice versa.

[Hope75]

i know it is none of my business and part of me doesnt want to accept we are not together when i lost him i lost my best friend and my lover i just wish we could turn back the clock.

 

Sue,

 

I am sorry that he cheated on you and hurt you and then left to be with his girlfriend. It's a lousy break and it hurt you alot and for that I am sorry. It is not your fault that he cheated and is with her now. No matter what he tells you (to unburden himself from the guilt of having to admit that he treated you like crap) this is a choice that he made, to be with her, and has nothing to do with you.

You know that you cannot turn back the clock. You need to accept that you and he are over, have been for some time, and he has moved on and is with someone else now. You are no longer a priority to him.

 

The longer you live in denial and refuse to accept the fact that he does not want to be with you, the longer your life is on hold. I suspect one day you will look back with wonder and say, "How could I have wasted all that time on such a loser who clearly didn't love me?"

 

The truth is staring you in the face. You are living alone in his house, hanging onto something that has been over for almost a year now. He has moved on, and is living with her, choosing her every day over you. You can analyze that up and down and continue to accept his excuses that it is your fault that he is with her, and the fact remains that this is an excuse, and he still wants to be with her and he does not want to be with you, or he would be with you, and that is not your fault.

 

This is not a phase, it is a long term, serious relationship. You need to move on with your own life.

 

I only hope that when you move into your own place you will stop chasing this ghost and accept that it is over, and that you need to stop stagnating and get on with your life.

[suebob1]

thanks again hope for your replies, i know i seem as though i am not listening, i am though. I know he is a t*a* but i just cannot stop loving him like that, i will never give up hope on him but at the same time i will not stop my own life. i definitely things will start to change if/when he moves back to our house as i/others think at the moment things between them will be all sweetness and light cos at the minute he is living in her house with her parents(i think) and he will have to be nice not all relationships have no arguing do they?

dont know if i have mentioned but he is coming away with me for a weekend in october,very stramge it all happened because my friend is turning 30, he has never met her but he is still comig along with me why?

I think once he returns to the old house and sees me out and about again he will see that i am the old me the one he was in love with, i hope he says i am impatient i am really dreading xmas coming up we havent been apart for xmas for the last 8 years. My friends keep telling me that even though he seems to be dealing with this ok as he is with someone else it is only easier for him as he is away from me and things that remind him of me, at the ned of the day if he comes back to the old house etc it will be just as hard for him to see me as it will be for me to see him??u think??

i just want him back i dont know why i just do well i do its cos i love him and i cannot blame him for finding someone else who would give him the affection that he lost from me, now he has lost control as he was quite happy for me to stay in our house,dont know why he want that when he is living with her and her parents i stil think it is so he is not shwoing too much commitment to her, i want to be happy for him but i really cant, i suppose i am jealous is this normal as she is apparently jealous of me as i had 8 years with him! at the end of the day she has got the man that everything he wears or has is something that i have chosen or bought for him he still has limited things with him he is not the true person so really she doesnt really know him yet, he hasnt moved in with her like he did with me, he like someone who is living out of a suitcase he just has the bare essentials with him and at the same time still supporting his ex? does she not think this is strange, i think she is just grateful for what she has with him athe moment like i said time will tell when he /if he moves back, i honestly think if he does move back that by us being in separate houses but in the same area we may satart to spend more time with each other again, as now if had the chance have to start from scratch kind of, do you know what i mean? we will always be more than just friends and if we got back together we would never be the same but we would have learnt from it.

thanskagain for putting up with me and i am sorry for ranting on.

[DN]

If you knew for absolute certain that you would never, ever, get him back - how would start to get on with your life?

 

Think carefully before you answer - and you are not allowed to avoid the question!!

[suebob1]

Hi DN

i can see where you are going with this, i would just get on with it i would have to which is what i am trying to do now. he now says to me that any changes that i have made are like a slap in the face to him as i never chnaged when he asked me to . i have just said i have changed for us both i couldnt stay how i got that caused him to leave me, but now it seems it annoys him cos i ahev made these changes. I asked him if the grass was greener on the other side and he wouldnt answer he just said why would i ask that, i really dont think it is greener, once he returns to his own house he will change, he has said it will be strange seeing me out as it will be like a completely different person, dont know if that will be good or bad for us??

I suppose it does come accross as being selfish regarding me changing, i havent changed i am just the old me before i stopped going out etc.

i suppose i will never give up complete hope, maybe deep down i am hoping that if he does return to our old house and he sees me out he will realise that i am the old me and that he wants to be with me but i also have to keep in mind that it may not happen.

[DN]

Much better to have it in your mind that it will not happen. And then you can make proper decisions about how to get on with your life - because right now you are stuck in limbo hoping that he will come back.

 

Assume that he will not - make up your mind to that and get going with making yourself happy again.

[Hope75]

What about yourself have you changed?

 

You know that it was NOT YOUR FAULT that he left. He chose to cheat on you and you called him on it, there is NO excuse for cheating.

[suebob1]

well i am the old me who i used to be before i became withdrawn, i have just heard back from him regarding grass being greener and he has said 'it is different he feels as though he has a life and is working to live rather than the other way round, he says he wishes we had done that or didnt stop doing that'????? i have really upset him by changing too late