Another typical scenario - part 2

[murasaki17]

I've posted in this category recently about the same break up situation that i am going to post today.

 

The situation is generally like this. I don't like the girls that hangs around with my bf. This is truly not relating to a matter of jealousy but because they're loud, inconsiderate and big mouths. My bf is totally aware of my aversion towards them but he still prefers to hang out with them even though they back chat about him. This caused the two of us to conflict many times but i always think the problem does get solved when he apologizes, but it never has. At the same time, i don't want to lose him because i love him.

 

My bf and i are already in a cold state. Last night, what he said to me over the fone, was a nightmare. I have previously wanted to break up with him, but never once i have meant what i've spilled. I admit i am a rushy person; i say what i don't mean. Well, last night... he asked if we can separate for a period of time and the reason was: i am not respecting the girl friends that he hangs around with and i am constantly telling him to not hang around them; which is not completely true.

What he said almost caused me to fall off my chair. The first impression that came to my mind was that we are not going to be together again because i thought i was not the sort of person to run back to a guy after he has hurt me several times.

So like any other fool, i digged into an emotional state where i couldn't stop the tears and hoped that he would call me back and take his words back. But he never called back. My question is: Is he really mad at me for restricting him from his friends?

 

To what i think, he believes that when my problem against his friends is solved, then we can be together or w/e. But, that's not it. I can't see myself accepting his friends and i have tried to accept them previously, but i just can't make it.

 

So is this really the end of us? I can't accept his friends.

 

I've thought about it. He has absolutely chosen his friends over me and i should've walked right out of this misery by this morning. But i can't cease my emotions but think of him and continuously miss him. Yes, i know i am being pathetic.

 

Isn't there anything else i can do but to accept his friends?

I need advice. Thnx in advance.

[Shadows Light]

Ok.... its been a while since I've been at the BF/GF stage. Married for 14 yrs.... now Divorced.

 

When 2 people meet... you usually are attracted to them for the people they are at the time. Everything about them... everything they do and say... all is a package and you fall in love.

 

Why... Why if these people are the way they are ...and when we met them.. we are attracted to them...and fall in love with them... why do we try to change them? To fit our mold of what they should be?????

 

I think... true love is when you let the other person be their own person. Their own driver.

 

Okkkkkkkkkkkkkkk ... I can see if the Friends are all dope smokin fiends and your BF is the anomoly amonst them for whatever reason .. I can' see where you voiced your concern.

 

You should pick your own friends. Do you allow anyont to pick them for you???? Is your judgement BETTER than his in terms of picking friends???

 

These are his friends. If they chat him up behind his back.. then.. thats his problem not yours. If you don't want to hang with them.. because you don't like them... then don't hang with them. Let him have time to go with his friends... and you abstain and find something else to do.

 

Your husband obviously values their friendship and gets something out of it. Doesn't mean he has to swithch gears because you don't like them.

Soooooooooooooo you don't hang out with them...

 

but be prepared for the outcome of that one... he may not want to attend your friends social functions. And how would you feel about htat... if he pased judgement on your friends.

 

Keep it separated. Allow each other to grow and to be... without stifling or smothering. Just a thought.

[simulacra]

I think when there are things that you can't accept about your partner (ie. his/her choice of friends, or some bad habits, etc), and you want them to change for the better (in your opinion), it is not necessarily because you want to be controlling or change them into the mold that you think is "perfect."

 

What happens in a longterm relationship with someone that you do love and respect and care about is that you grow with them and you do want them to be the best they can.

 

This is almost a bit like parents who are protective or strict on their kids. You have opinions and voice them because you see certain behaviours as having negative impacts on their lives.

 

This difference of opinion (ie. you not liking his friends, him wanting to hang out with them) in your situation probably reflects your care for him. You think he's wasting his time with these "loud girls" and maybe other aspects of your relationship or his life are suffering because of it.

 

If he chooses to leave you because of these friends, then I think there's not much you can do about it. It's not like you're giiving him an ultimatum; he's the one escalating it to that level. So iif he chooses them over you, it probably is for the best because as you have said so yourself, this issue is a big strain on your relationship already. I don't really see how it can be resolved through compromise because it involves your respective feelings towards those girls... and those are hard to change.

[murasaki17]

Thanks a lot for the helpful advice ^^

It made me realise a lot that i didn't notice previously

You's are right, i should not change him into what i find as 'perfect'.. I thought that things could be a little better with him after reading my first reply. I was hit in the head. To my surprise, i called him up and apologized about my actions of controlling his social life .. hoping that things would get brighter since i am keen on getting back with him because i really do love him. But according to what he represented to me (which includes attitude, speech etc) over the fone call and today at school, i think all my hopes should have sunk by now.