21 y/o guy dating 16 y/o old girl

[mpaver]

PLEASE HELP

I need advice on a relationship i've being persuing with a 16 y/o i've fallen in love with. and to top it off, she's already got a b/f who is my cousin. but she love's me a lot and talks to me everyday. the full story is below.

 

6 months ago i met my cousins girlfriend at a family event. we got on like anyone else would. me and my cousin don't talk to each other much because we are distant, but we started talking on MSN messenger after the event. after a few days, his g/f started to talk to me on MSN too and we got on well. she was flirting like i'd expect any 16 old lass to do and it was just fun for a while. than after about a month of talking to her nearly everyday on MSN, we started to get feelings for each other. the feelings were shown both ways, not just from me btw.

 

anyway, one night she got horny and started talking to me dirty so i just joined in. we stayed up till like 7am. after a few weeks of our convo's getting a lot more personal, we met up and shared a few kisses. I don't feel any regret or sympathy for my cousin purely because we are that distant. it's like me doing it behind an un-related guys back, I don't care that much.

 

After a few months, we both had a lot of feelings for each other. and "i love you" was exchanged a few times, and not just said in a passive way. anyway, i asked her to date me, and she said she couldn't leave him, so i let it cool off. we still talked, but she obviously still had feelings for me because after the 5th month, something clicked and we fell quite deeply in love with each other. we talk ALL the time, txt on the phone all the time, and we've met twice in the last few weeks to talk and kiss and stuff.

 

she is now that in love with me that she's refuses all requests of sex or foreplay off her b/f and even rang me up one night after he'd fingered her when she didn't want him to crying her eye's out apologising to me. she's pretty dedicated to me. we've been talking a lot lately about her dating me and she's leaning towards dating me and dumping him.

 

i know that she will be attracted to a lot of the things i can ofer her as a 21 year old such as money, a car for going places, the fact that i can take her to pubs for a drink, and that I've got a lot more experience in bed.

 

I don't get to see her much, and 80% of communication is on MSN, 15% i txt'ing, and about 5% is on the phone. this is probably because it's easier to express and talk to a screen than to each other's face. Lately though, i've been getting VERY jealous and feel sick sometimes. like tonight for example, she told me her b/f is sleeping over which never happens. I trust her and i know she won't do anything, but i'm human and i still hate the idea. anyway, my main problem is jealousy and missing her through not seeing her.

 

anyway, i have the chance to take her out ALL day monday 'cos she has some spare time, and i really need to know what i should be saying or doing with her to try and get all of this sorted.

 

thanks for any replies

[RandomAdvisor]

Way too many problems to pursue this relationship. First of all, she already has a boyfriend. I'm assuming when you say she loves you a lot and talks to you everyday, you mean she's flirty. What makes you think she wouldn't flirt with other guys if she were with you? Second, her boyfriend is your cousin! Be prepared to have your cousin hate you foreer if you go through with it. Third, she's 5 years younger than you. Age gap relationships are tricky in the teen years, but 5 years is too much in my opinion.

 

I think pursuing this relationship is a mistake.

[fate or freewill]

Sounds like you've got 2 problems.

 

First off she's already got a boyfriend. So exactly where do you see yourself in this mix?

 

Secondly, she's only a child, you can't tell me you really think you can have a relationship with a child and expect this to work out. Isn't it illegal and immoral?

 

Can't you find a girl closer to your age or at least find one that's of legal age?

[dudecar46]

I hate to say this, and I apologize if I hurt your feelings at all, but I am pretty certain that you have this situation all wrong. Just because a girl talks to you and enjoys your company does not mean that they, in essense, like you in that way.

 

I have had a few of female friends my age (I happen to be 19) who talked to me every day for hours and enjoyed my company, but feelings never developed from either end. And these females were all single, too.

 

Because this is a 16-year-old who has a boyfriend, I don't think you are too apt to succeed in this pursuit. At the very least, you will need to wait until she breaks up with your cousin (if she does) before you make any move, and I advise you to make this move with caution...like, ask her out for coffee. However, in my opinion, she is only showing signs of friendship at this time, not love.

[mpaver]

i live in the uk and it's legal over her once your 16. I probably could find someone my own age, but i wasn't looking for anyone when i met her and we just really fell in love with each other. There's a LOT more to the story than just a 21 year old hooking up with a 16 year old, but i kinda needed some quick advice.

[mpaver]

I just added more to the main description of the post that will enlighten you more

[venus777]

I think that it's kind of weird that she needs to be faithful to you when you aren't her boyfriend (that's how I read your statements about "trust"). How can you possibly trust her when she still hasn't dumped her boyfriend to be with you and has let this go own behind her boyfriends back for the longest time.

 

All I have to say is that what goes around comes around...

[mpaver]

I think that it's kind of weird that she needs to be faithful to you when you aren't her boyfriend (that's how I read your statements about "trust"). How can you possibly trust her when she still hasn't dumped her boyfriend to be with you and has let this go own behind her boyfriends back for the longest time.

 

All I have to say is that what goes around comes around...

 

True on all accounts. Those are the points i keep thinking and remind her about sometimes. I didn't tell her to stop being physical with him, she made the decison on her own. She's only with him still because they have been dating for a year and she obviously has feelings for him. it would be un-human to not have. She hate's how he treats her and she basically isn't happy at all, and i make her really happy. hopefully she will make a decision soon, cos it's really putting pressure on me

[venus777]

you can't make her happy. she has to make herself happy. period. it sounds like you should back off and let her break up without your influence at all. you should take some space. besides, if she broke up with him for you, what happens if she starts doubting it when she realizes that even a relationship with you is going to be hard (all relationships are!), then she might try to get back with him or feel resentful or feel like she made a mistake. take some space, let her figure things out, in a month see whats going on with her.

[mpaver]

you can't make her happy. she has to make herself happy. period. it sounds like you should back off and let her break up without your influence at all. you should take some space. besides, if she broke up with him for you, what happens if she starts doubting it when she realizes that even a relationship with you is going to be hard (all relationships are!), then she might try to get back with him or feel resentful or feel like she made a mistake. take some space, let her figure things out, in a month see whats going on with her.

 

I don't know how you're doing it, but you're saying the things that have been running through my head for the last few days. I personally think i need to cool off a bit, but she keeps asking me where i am if i stay out of contact for too long, and if i still talk to her, but not as much, she ask's what's wrong with me.

 

Over the months, i've been trying to get her to build up her self-confidence a bit by helping her to learn to make her own decisions and make her sef happy. it's been working, but she still likes me to make her laugh and smile.

 

She know's how hard it might be with me, we talk about our future a lot in preperation in a way. I want to believe that she will dump him, there is a large chance, but there's always that natural doubt in the back of my head. I'm willing to wait it out for a while, but for my own mental health, i'll have to break it off soon or it will screw me up.

 

One of the main reasons she likes me so much is that i always make her smile and laugh, and i'm a great listener. we talk about lot's of stuff and she comes to me for help all the time. oh and she love's how i kiss (feel free to puke).

[randy]

well this is TROUBLE . . . she seems young and imature. You say she won' t leave her BF. Well why not . If you both in love so much then why can' t SHE leave her BF . I' ll tell you why . She likes him . Sounds like she likes you also but not enough to want to leave him and be with him . Sorry to say it . . . but i don' t think this will work out, . . . but none the less . . .

 

good luck MAN !

[mpaver]

well this is TROUBLE . . . she seems young and imature. You say she won' t leave her BF. Well why not . If you both in love so much then why can' t SHE leave her BF . I' ll tell you why . She likes him . Sounds like she likes you also but not enough to want to leave him and be with him . Sorry to say it . . . but i don' t think this will work out, . . . but none the less . . .

 

good luck MAN !

 

good points m8. i'm insecure about the relationship really. i always know in the back of my head that she might not dump him,but i live in hope for a while, it think it's worth a little wait. i do agree that she's a little immature and she never actually makes clear cut decisions about anyhing.

 

I know it might not work out. but we've been into each other for so long that it's seems like a few more weeks wouldn't hurt to wait for a decision. BTW, we both agreed that in the next few weeks she would decide because it is getting harder for us.

[venus777]

Hey-

 

It's a hard one because if you give an ultimatum for her to break up or she can't be with you she might break up JUST for that reason and then regret it.

 

Really, my advice would be to stop talking to her for a while and tell her you want her to think about what SHE really wants without your influence. And then if she DOES dump him, then give it a couple of weeks at the very LEAST before you two do anything at all. She has to heal before she could really be with you.

[apollocreed71]

glad you are not my cousin. the way you start your story, you met your cousin and his gf the same day, so you guys swap email and phone number with her. you two are scandelous. hey, what comes around goes around. i have no sympathy if you guys get hurt in the process as you are both being selfish. why do people find it so hard to be honest, hey if she does not want to be in a relationship with her bf, just tell him, maybe they can be friends. if you too do get together, hey problems in the family. hey when a girl has a bf and wants to meet a new guy, what would happen to you when she meets another wonderful guy..... maybe you will be next in line.............

sorry so blunt, but just the same way you showed respect for another mans woman, some other guy will give you that same respect.....and i can assure you, when its your turn you will not be happy, especially if you are seriously in love with that person.

[goddess23]

hey. listen...many people have alreayd coverd alot of what i would say so ill skip some of that. straight up there are TOOOOOO MANY PROBLEMS and i dont think she understands what love is if she cant leave her current bf. that just signals seriousssss issues! this shows that she is still immature. i mean honestly i believe that age gap relationships can work. okay i met this guy who was 21 and i was 16 and we talked on the phone for HOURRSS and he even said im much more mature than anyone hes talked to (even my teachers tell me this). so some people are just more mature, and to be quite honest i dont think 16 is a child. i completely understand if you're attracted to her or seem to have an emotional/physical connection i dont think you should look at yourself as if theres something wrong with you. but at the asme time realize that the obstacles with age gap relationsihps in the teen years are quite insurmountable. i mean there are laws and i would advise to follow but i just want to say that its NORMAL and you should feel as if you're somewhat of a pedophile because of the law ya no what im saying? but i agree with everyone else that this girl has a set of problems and persuing this would be a mistake.

[mpaver]

Hey-

 

It's a hard one because if you give an ultimatum for her to break up or she can't be with you she might break up JUST for that reason and then regret it.

 

Really, my advice would be to stop talking to her for a while and tell her you want her to think about what SHE really wants without your influence. And then if she DOES dump him, then give it a couple of weeks at the very LEAST before you two do anything at all. She has to heal before she could really be with you.

 

thanks guys. i just ned to repeat again that i'm in the Uk and the legal consenting age is 16. no law after that age.

 

I want to take the advice of venus777 but i think she may be slightly too immature to A - unserstand it all, and B - treat the situation with respect and not blow up with those teenage hormnes.

 

I can tell that I'm going to have to give us a break at the very least, 'cos it has got very serious lately and t's gettin too hard for me to see them together.

 

thanks again

[blondjeanyis2009]

Well, considering that sneaking behind the bf's back isn't really that uncommon, its still a problem morally.

 

Age wise, i'm only 15 and I adore an 18 year old guy, and my parents have no problem with it. But you are like 5 years older than she is, if you want to make it serious atleast wait till she's 18. Then you wouldn't have to worry about legal issues and she would be able to make her own discisons.

Plus its not illegal if the parents approve of the guy....