Do cheaters ever think / feel regret about their past acts?

[westwind61]

I don't think you can unforgive. It means she never did in the first place. OR it is an excuse being used now.

[Bounder]

It is tempting to use it as an excuse isnt it? For both of us....I dont know, she has told me that i am just not what she wants right now, but when she gets into her emotions (when we broke up two weeks ago, or when we talked last week after she saw me at a party) she always comes back to it. Maybe a defence mechanism? I want to let go of this, if it REALLY is not what she wants, but if its still about my mistake, then its a different load to bear.

[saltwatergirl]

I dont think that because I have no pity for cheaters means I am a "moralistic harpy". I am glad that you claim to have learned from your mistake and will never repeat it. But let me ask you this: If you truly "learned from it" and will "never repeat it", there must be a reason for it....so what is that reason? Do you now feel it is wrong to cheat, perhaps? Why else would you have an aversion to doing it now? And if that is the case, we find ourselves in agreement, no?

 

You were the cheatER and as such you now state you will never do that again. I was the cheatEE and as such i now state that I will never forgive that again. What's the difference? Both have learned a lesson and established a personal boundary....okay for you but not us "moralistic harpys"?

 

You cant claim that something is "wrong" and not to be repeated, yet profess to believe that it should be forgiven when done. Cant have your cake & eat it too, Lexi. Gotta pick one side of the fence or the other.

 

Salt

[Bounder]

Wow,

 

Great logical dissection there. However, forgiveness is not about saying that what they did is ok, but rather that you still love the person enough to try and move on. You can have morals about cheating, believe its wrong, and forgive people for it. Let he who has never sinned cast the first stone, remember that adage?

 

I wouldnt criticize anyone for taking cheating very, very seriously, but I also wonder about people who blindly refuse to even contemplate the idea of forgiveness. It's quite the conundrom isnt it?

[saltwatergirl]

After the hot stove burns your hand, you learn not to touch a hot stove. Sure I forgive the stove, but I won't touch it again. It hurts. Forgiveness is done for myself, for my own healing, not for the one who hurt me.

 

You say love them enough to forgive and move on. Forgiving does not mean accepting. The difference here is this: I love MYSELF enough to forgive and move on, but without them, not with them. Forgiveness and taking them back are mutually exclusive. One doesn't require the other for it to be done.

 

That is my point.

 

Salt PS I replied again to your other post. After giving her actions further thought, I have changed my approach.

[moonunit]

I know this may be an awful thing to say, but is it really destroyed by one moment? Or is it the aftermath, the jealousy, the hurt, that destroys it? I think getting rid of one's lover because of a single mistake can be just as terrible of a thing. It's different if he's having a long term affair or a string of affairs, but one mistake... when you're talking marriage and kids... to just throw someone away because of your own pain and jealousy... that feels selfish to me, as well. I'm not saying this to be cold... boy, do I know how it hurts. But I also know it hurt because of my own problems- my jealousies and my insecurities- and in the end, despite the hurt, I am also grateful for the honesty.

 

It's not awful, it's just your views on it. For me it was destroyed by one moment and the aftermath. I don't think it's just as terrible of a thing as they made the decision and the choice to do it. I have looked at other men sure, we all have admired someone else...but I've never crossed over that boundary. Not when I'm with someone. If I'm with someone I'm with someone and they should be the same unless we have some what of an open relationship (which I am not opposed to either as long as both parties agree and understand the parameters).

 

Everything that Salt has said...pretty much sums it up for me.

 

I'm not jealous or insecure (i'm beautiful, successful and have my stuff together) because of this but yes I was hurt. He disrespected me and took me for granted. Why stay around when someone treats you in such a way? When someone isn't sure what they want - should a person stick around and wait until they make their mind up? No, not me. I'm way too old to play.

 

But yes, for me it was destroyed in one moment. The moment I found out my lover, chose to lay in bed with another woman. He could have simply told me that he no longer found me attracted, wanted to break up, wanted a break, anything....I would have been hurt but it would have been a lot better to deal with than finding out the person you trusted the most on this earth did the one thing you never thought they'd do.

 

As I stated...I've never cheated, I NEVER will - it's just not something I could do to another person no matter what the circumstances. I'm adult enough to break up with someone if it gets to that point where I am looking elsewhere for my own satisfaction. I don't need to have my cake and eat it to.

 

I forgave my ex a long time ago. People are people and being such they do make mistakes. We're even talking now again after a stretch of nc. I love the boy. Am still in love with him. Will always love him. BUT...I'm not so sure we should be/can be together in a romantic way. He is still uncertain what he wants, I know what I want. I think because of his actions we are no longer on the same page and that's okay - we can perhaps find a common ground and become great friends. I'm friends with another one of my ex's who cheated. We won't ever be together again, but I can honestly sit here and say that I'm his friend. We talk a few times a year, keep up with each other via email. But I personally need a partner who will not cheat on me. I demand that. It's not such a big thing to ask of someone, either you want to be with me or you don't. Make a choice, a decision....and live with it and...the consequences of it.

 

Also, I just don't think that getting rid of one's lover after they've slept with another human being when they were supposed to be exclusive with you and only you unless you had an agreement isn't as terrible of a thing. But then again, this is coming from someone who's never cheated.....

[Bounder]

My ex tells me sometimes she wished=s i had never told her? Is that humanly possible to do and keep the relationship? Sometimes I feel like a coward for telling her, but she likely would have found out anyways. Was I selfish in preserving my honesty? Later she broke up with me after lying to me about being with another guy during a short break, lying to me about a new guy, ill never be sure if she cheated, but the lying hurt me, I dont know if it was worse than cheating itself. Does love have to lie sometimes?

[saltwatergirl]

You told her, it was your decision, too late now to change it. So let that go.

 

Does love have to lie? Not sure what that means but I'll take a shot at answering it anyway.

 

There are times when we can put people in positions where they will lie to us. Force them into it, set them up. Example: making irrational demands of them, expectations too high. Maybe they get off work at 12 but dont call until 2. Perhaps they just wanted to rest or get online for a while before calling you......but because you are so demanding of their time, when you question why they're just now calling, they lie and say they had to work late. was it a lie? yes. Did you set it up? Yes.

 

Just off the top of my head.

 

As far as lying about cheating, a whole other topic. We all have our own opinions on whether or not you should come clean with someone if you've done this. Only you can answer that for yourself, and you have done that. Too late to question it now. Just dont do it again, then it won't matter.

 

What I find really interesting is that people will cheat, which is neither honest nor honorable behavior, but then struggle with issues of honesty and honor when trying to decide if they should tell.

Interesting.

 

Salt

[Bounder]

I agree with the seem hypocticl behaviour cheaters go through. One mistake doesnt get rid of your morals though....I believe that, so trying to do the "right thing" is never a lost cause, even if you screwed up in the first place, you know?

[egirl2005]

Please understand that this questions is coming from all the anger I feel from having been cheated on. I understand that it takes two, I understand that they are both responsible but I am livid that the woman my husband had an affair with. I don't know what he told her about me but it doesn't really matter.

 

The woman my husband cheated with is 7 years older then we are (she is 45) 45, at what point do you know better at what point do you grow up and stop being selfish. She is divorced from a husband who cheated on her. She knew we were married (she works with him) she knew we had a child and she knew from her own experiences that it could only end badly. She knowingly inflicted this pain on me and my son. I try very hard not to say never but I can tell you that it was me being denied sex in our relationship for a long time and I never thought about cheating (I did think about leaving) but not cheating and now having experienced this (if it's been done to you, you understand, if not I would not wish this on my worse enemy) I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could never do this to another man or woman! My question is how could she? I don't get it. I understand people make mistakes and it makes me happy to see people in this site learning from their mistakes. Most people who have had an affair with a married person will never do it again. What kind a person would, knowing the damage it would cause. How can my husband respect this woman. He won't quit his job, so I said to ask her to leave, she is a secretary she can find work in a lot a places unlike his field which is specialized. He tells me the world isn't black and white and she had four kids. While quess what, she knew all of this going into it so why won't she move on and let us try and fix our life. To me she is still being selfish.

 

Sorry for rambling, I'm still very angry. My question is when someone knowingly does something wrong shouldn't there be some kind of penalty or payback? Some lose? Why does society say they made a mistake, they deserve forgiveness? Maybe this wouldn't be so prevelent in our society if there where consequences for the parties involved!

[RayKay]

 

Sorry for rambling, I'm still very angry. My question is when someone knowingly does something wrong shouldn't there be some kind of penalty or payback? Some lose? Why does society say they made a mistake, they deserve forgiveness? Maybe this wouldn't be so prevelent in our society if there where consequences for the parties involved!

 

My question is....why do you seem to be wanting to have happen to her or her to do what your husband is not doing/should be paying for?

 

And before I get into it, let me know I do not condone EITHER of them in this, I DO think she is horrible for what she did, but there always seems to be this case where the wife/partner gets more upset with the mistress/other person then their partner themselves.

 

How come she does not deserve forgiveness, but you have forgiven your hubby? She has not left her job - but why can't YOUR HUSBAND leave? Yes it may be specialized for him, but that does not mean he cannot accept his side in it - just because she has a "lower job" why must she be one to leave?

 

Your husband also KNOWINGLY inflicted this pain, he should ALSO have known better at his age (I would say 37 is an apt time to know better, just as 45 is).

 

Yes, she is guilty, yes she was terribly wrong - who knows why she started it - revenge, a need to be needed whatever - fact is he was just as much a part of it, to shift the blame to her from your hubby is not fair though either. Those circumstances you speak of...he was just as much a part of it, and has just as much ability right now to change his situation.

 

If "society" should make her pay for it - should your husband not ALSO be paying for it in the face of society?

[egirl2005]

Your right, you are absolutely right. I hear what you are saying in my head but I am having trouble following thought with my heart.

 

I guess part of me knows that if I blame my husband more or equal to her then there will be no forgiving him. ( I have not forgiven him yet and I am not sure I am going to stay with him yet).

 

But let me ask you this. If my husband quits his job and has to take a lower paying job because there are no jobs in his field, who suffers? My son and I. Our way of life is yet again changed and we suffer when we did nothing wrong!

 

This is what I mean about penalties. I can see my husband coming home every night, I can see him going to counselling, I can see his guilt and what he is doing to fix our marriage. What about her responsiblity? You yourself said they are both responsible! She is hovering over my marriage like a vulture. I would think that out of respect if not guilt for the pain and damage she has done to my son and I, she would move on and let us have a chance to fix this without having to change every part of our lives.

 

Without my husband's income (he is our primary bread winner) we may have to move, my son would lose his home, his friends etc. I know my husband is as responsible BUT SO IS SHE and she hasn't had to change anything. They don't know about her at work, her family isn't devastated. One little change on her part would make a major difference in my life.

 

I sit and listen to myself and I realize I should not be on this site because I am still too angry and hurt. I am not looking for answers to questions I am venting and that not fair to the people on this site. It also makes me scared that I will not be able to move past this pain and that maybe I should leave my husband because it really doesn't matter if they work together or not, if I trusted them not to do this again, it wouldn't matter right?