Is it just lust or love - for him?

[mikki]

Hi everyone,

 

I have been best friends with this guy and we hung out a lot then due to family issues, I was forced to move away overseas. We kept in contact and i visited him a few months ago where he confessed his feelings towards me. We ended up having sex and when it was time for me to leave, I asked him if there is a chance for the two of us to try and have a go at a real relationship. I offered to move back cos I have a lot of family problems which I want to escape from. He blew me off by telling me that bascially he is not ready wants to focus on his new job and career which hurt me bitterly.

Nearly two months after I left, he sent me this long email apologising for what he had said and he really want me to move back but he was scared. He threw in many life-changing questions like whether if i want to move in with him and what i thought about having kids in the long-term. He sounded sincere and depressed at the same time. I really don't know what to do.....try and have a go at a relationship with him? Or should i just let him go............

 

Cheers,

 

Mikki

[nikkers04]

Hey may have been scared. Guys are generally scared of commitment. Go with you heart if you think he is serious then give it a shot. Of course it may not work out but you will never know unless you try.

[smallworld]

Mikki, After being hurt like that by your best friend, your confusion is understandable. But the fact that he seems to regret his actions and is now asking you "life-changing" questions (kids, moving in, etc.) are strong indicators that his change of heart is sincere and that he's very serious about you. Guys don't ask these questions unless they really want to know the answers.

 

So what does your gut tell you? What do you want to do? If it were me, I'd start small and just try increasing your conversation frequency for now. See if there's something there and decide at some later point whether or not to pursue it.

[Caterina]

It sounds like he cares for you,but is afraid of commitment. I would say to stave off of having sex and see if he cares for you as a person again. He sounds really unsure, and you don't want him having regrets later in life. How do you feel about him? Protect yourself, you know him, hes your best friend...can/will he hurt you?

[michelemybell]

Hi Mikki,

Did you two actually date as boyfriend and girlfriend? From your post, it sounds like you two never actually dated--just went from being friends to sleeping with each other. While his words sound like everything you'd want to hear, I think he is speaking out of emotion and the "heat of the moment". You can't base having a life-long relationship on this because he will just as quickly say he is "confused". Remember, he left you hanging at another time. I wouldn't put too much trust and faith into his words. If you still plan to move back, please only date him--absolutely do not move in with this guy. Date him and find out who he is and if he is serious before you leap into making any lifelong plans.

Just my two cents!

Michele

[btbt]

Yes, sort out all the nitty-gritty practical and committment issues before you change your whole life for him.

[mikki]

michelemybell: To answer your question, he did ask me out and we did date albeit without the boyfriend/girlfriend tag for three months. I have met his side of the family, including his estranged father.

 

I know he's not the type who says things in the heat of the moment. He has the tendency to bottle things up and it was apparent that he had thought long and hard when writing his email cos it's really jumbled up in some parts

 

Many thanks to everyone who has replied

[michelemybell]

Hi mikki,

Three months is a very short time to date, and the rest of your relationship has been long distance, so honestly it's a gamble here.

I still think you need to wait and see until this guy can prove that he is true to his word. Remember again, he went against his word before. Be careful. My advice is the same---Get to know him and DATE HIM before you make any lifelong plans with the guy.

[mikki]

Sorry Michelemybell, I forgot to add that he and i knew each other for nearly a year before he asked me out. I won't and can't move in with him cos it will be too big leap for me and like u advised, he does need to prove his words and himself for the hurt he has inflicited. I do have strong feelings for him but i have not seen myself having a life-long relationship with him before and after he dumped his "life-changing" questions on me. I am still really shocked to know that he had been thinking so far ahead. This is partially due to serious issues with my family. I am very reluctant to expose him to my family, especially my mom cos my sis and her bf are having a very difficult time.

My heart tells me i need to find out if he and i can have an actual relationship going but like btbt said i do need to sort out the issues in my life first.

I have rang him up to clear things up, he said he was serious about what he wrote and he has to add that he will always be there for me of all things. I have decided to put off plans to move back (not move in with him) for a year as much as I want to leave my current situation and see how things will work out. He said he wants to visit but we'll see...........