Needing a LIFE outside my boyfriend

[xmrth]

Me again...

I had a wonderful time being with my boyfriend on a vacation... and now I am worse. It's like I need to be with him all of the time now that I know what it's like-- and it's wonderful. I'm seeing him tomorrow, and hopefully Friday, and hopefully Saturday sicne h e has no work or school finally. He might go do his own thing over the weekend since we went away, but maybe not.

He has a life and I just DON'T. I have no friends and I try so hard but get nowhere... it's making me get way too possessive, and I've got to stop. I keep stopping when I get advice on here, but then I ease back into it. I HAVE to stop and I just simply can't get myself to.

I'm trying to keep occupied by signing up for a gym soon. And maybe hang around with my younger sibling and their friends since they're all about 17-19 years old, and I'm 20. Im thinking that will gain me some friends and at least something to do.

When I'm at work it doesn't help. I still feel like if he's not in work or school, I have got to get out of there and see him. I never leave because that wouldn't be good, but I do feel like crap the whole time I'm there.

 

Sometimes I get jealous of his friends because I feel like he's only supposed to have fun with me. How WRONG is that?

Something that bothers me so much is when he can't see me because he's tired or wants to stay in, and his friend who lives 2 houses away (me and my boyfriend live about 25-30 muinutes away) they can get together and go to the gym or go get something to eat, and of course it's spontaneous and not at all out of the way for them, but I feel horrible. And that's not something I think I should ever feel horrible about because it's not like he's driving the same distance as my house and doing something for hours with someone else-- he's just doing something that's on the way for him and his best friend! Yet it hurts me! And I talk to him and he says "I need a life outside of you... just go out and make some friends." and he tells me what to do but he doesn't entirely understand. I don't want him to understand because this is no fun being alone all the time. I'm too dependent on him to keep me occupied-- though we both have a BLAST together, I have to be able to have a blast with friends!

 

I already PMed someone about this, and it helped but I just can't get out of this. I think the ONLY thing that's going to help me is getting friends and doing things with them. And I don't know how or when that's going to happen so until then, I'm stuck feeling this way when I shouldn't.

 

I'm not sure what can be said about that, but I needed to just vent I suppose.

[darkblue]

You need to find friends outside the relationship. It's a must!

 

Joining the gym was a great step in the right direction.

 

Also if you're into any clubs or have hobbies etc this would be a great way to meet people.

 

Try and get out there and meet people, You'll feel much better.

[struggle4reason]

hey by all means vent away.....i feel the same way you do sometimes. My situation is a little bit different, but I still get similar feeelings

[xmrth]

Thank you, I'm glad I'm at least headed in the right direction. I've got to get there! I just know I'll feel better with friends but it's just so hard... I'm thinking the gym will be the best thing for me. I'm hoping childhood friends of mine will go there because that's an old friend and probably easier for me to make for starters.

[darkblue]

Sounds like you're in the right mind state

 

Honestly, you will feel much better when you have these friendships.

 

You deffinately are taking the right steps.

 

I wish you all the best of luck and keep us updated.

[Hope75]

Girl,

 

You have got to get someone outside interests before you smother your bf to death and force him to end the relationship.

 

I know you said you were going to wait until school started back up to seek therapy, but is there any way you can do that now?

 

How about a summer class? It's a good way to meet friends and occupy some of your time. Are you saying you have NO friends besides your bf?

 

He asked you to get out and meet people, and told you that he needs a life outside of you.

 

This is true of any relationship, not just yours. Every couple needs space and separate interests. It gives each person as an individual breathing space, and gives you something to share when you are together.

 

It's really important that you have some outside interests. It would be good for your self esteem as well, as you seem to hinge your very worth on how much attention your bf shows you, and in doing so you suffocate him!

 

You need to find your own happiness, and have something to add to a relationship, not just take from it.

 

I know you can do this.

[Caldus]

Only way you're going to get a life is if you make an effort to do so. Start expanding your interests and start going out more. You don't have to have friends in order to have a life. I have maybe one friend (used to have a few but got tired and agitated of everyone recently) and I still try to get out more. Gym, work, my website, the pool, some stores, reading, library, school, various clubs at school, and other things I can't remember are my life. I rarely hang out with anyone. I usually just talk to some people or just say hi to a lot of people every day but don't really have any friends. I'm fine with that. To me, just having friends is not neccessarily 'a life'. 'A life' is something you alone have to figure out and achieve.

[bellamcb]

It's great that you're thinking this way and know that you need to make changes. That's the most important step. The gym is a great place to meet friends and a summer class is a good idea too. Try reading at cafes and stuff or even just shopping. I'm sure you can meet people if you try. From experience, I know that having a spouse whose only interest is the relationship can be extremely irritating and smothering so do your best to get out there. good luck!

[amour_13]

Hey xmrth,

I totally understand where you are coming from... I am in the same situation. I hate it when my g/f spends time with her other friends... bc I want her to be with me. For instance, she is leaving tomorrow for a week... and Im really sad. I was really hurt when she first told me, but I got over it.

Anyways, getting other friends to hang out is a very good idea (i need the same, but its difficult in such a small town). Find things to get involved in to keep your mind occupied... like volunteer work for sports or anything... just something that youll enjoy.

Good luck and if you ever need anyone to talk to about this feel free to pm me... we can vent together j/k but id love to help

[Caldus]

Again, it's more than about getting friends. You'll find yourself jumping from person to person for happiness in life if you don't get a life of your own. Find your passions in life and just enjoy them. Friends are good too, but they aren't the very essense of 'a life'.

[RayKay]

Hey xmrth!

 

Glad to hear vacation went so well though!

 

Joining a gym is a step in right direction..maybe it will help at the very least with your confidence level and make you feel a bit more willing to try other new things.

 

I think as has been pointed out though, it is more important you also find passions and interests that are you own, not just more friends. I have a limited close friend base, but because of my passions, I do have opportunity to meet many people and associate with larger groups and activities because of them. We have that common base, and while I might not be all buddy buddy with them all, I can go out and meet them and feel comfortable socializing.

 

Rather than worrying about getting friends, think about finding some passions, interests, and allowing those to take you to meeting new people. For example, say you enjoy...um...as an example..foreign films. Look around for a local foreign film club and just go and check it out, check out a few. Say you want to learn to dance, find a studio, do some group lessons, attend some of the dances they hold. At the gym, maybe you will meet someone to work out with regularly, or if you go regularly you will find there are many regulars you can start conversing with.

 

Just learn to be best friends with YOURSELF first, love yourself, treat yourself well, give yourself chance to explore, learn, develop, and the rest follows.

[Confessoress]

I agree it's not about getting friends, if you make some in the process that's fab. Make yourself happy. It won't be easy. If you see you're off loading on to your boyfriend take a step back. Talk to family, but importantly fight it yourself. You'll have hard times, but it will make you stronger and you'll boyfriend will see it.

 

I'm so relieved to know other people have to same problems as me!

[xmrth]

Thanks everyone for your replies!

I agree that having friends isn't the only way to have a life, but at this point since I really don't have any friends I can hang out with or go places and have fun with, I feel like that's the first thing I should try to do. I have hobbies and interests, and have 2 jobs and am in college. But that isn't enough to make me feel good and happy and like I'm living a life outside of him because I always think about him and feel like he's the only thing that can make me happy over my activities.

I really have a hard time making friends... I try to be social, I e-mail and message people who I know from college and also try to call them and get in touch, but nobody seems interested in doing anything. I invite people over (there's not much to do here as I live at home) and they say "oh we should hang out!" but regardless, nobody wants to do anything... it never happens.

 

The gym is a definite but I'm in a smidge of debt and have to wait another week before I'll have some bills paid and will be able to afford a membership.

Other than that, I think that tonight when my boyfriend goes out with his friend that I might go to a bookstore and get a book and coffee and just be around people outside of my hobbies, and work, and school... and hopefully strike up conversation with somebody.

 

I just feel horrible that my boyfriend is going out tonight. He's seen me this entire week since he has off from school and work, and he is also seeing me tonight, but afterwards he's going out and I will feel so left out and so upset and depressed like he's not supposed to have fun with other people. I can't go with him-- it's all guys and he's 21.. I'm only 20. So that means bars.

I just feel so betrayed when he goes out... it's pathetic. What's WRONG WITH ME. I used to be fine when we were in highschool and even a year after, for so many years he went out with his friends, I was always fine with it, and now I've changed and have become weak and I need a life! I didn't even have a life throughout highschool with any friends or anything. I mean, I had a couple, but I went out with them maybe once my entire HS years. And I was fine then, but now it's like I have to be with him ALL THE TIME and... I need a life.

[Caldus]

There are many people out there that rely on other people for happiness and things to do in life. You're not the only one.

 

...I really don't have any friends I can hang out with or go places and have fun with...

 

Well see it's kind of a vicious circle here because in order to get friends, you need to go to places outside of home and work. Have you tried meeting people at the places you work? Do you go to school? Try meeting people there. I can understand not going to certain places alone, but places like the gym, bookstore, pool, and coffee shops are perfect for meeting new people. Maybe sign up for some dance lessons or something fun like that. The more you're able to enjoy life without friends, the more people you will attract anyway. They will want to come along and join the ride.

[Hope75]

Hon,

 

Your bf has spent lots of time with you this week. Try to understand that he needs time to spend on his own, and with other friends too, and so do you! I think the bookstore is a fabulous idea. Get a nice frothy coffee drink, a real page turner, fall into one of those big, overstuffed comfy chairs and enjoy!

 

All couples need time apart. If you try to spend every second of every day together you would burn out, and fast! Think of it as part of the ingredients necessary for nourishing a healthy relationship.

 

Your bf spending time with friends has no reflection of his feelings for you. He obviously loves you or he wouldn't spend all this time with you and constantly tell you and show you. Try to relax, and understand that everyone needs down time from couplehood, not just him.

 

Here is a link to a post of someone who smothered her bf, and he left her.

 

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This is the sort of thing that can happen if you don't learn to find happiness and satisfaction within yourself, and not contigent on the amount of time your bf spends with you.

 

It should be the quality of the time, and doesn't he show you how much he cares when you are together?

[xmrth]

That topic was sooo long, but it was informative. I unfortunately still acted foolishly tonight, EVEN after reading that post. I started asking too many questions about where my boyfriend was going tonight... I just feel so left out. I'm not 21 like he is, so he gets to go out to bars and whatnot. And has friends that care alot about him and I don't have that... but I told him all of this so hopefully it might reverse anything negative I've put on our relationship because of me not having a life. I really don't know. Everything seems fine once we get off the subject that I put us into. We don't stay on anything negative for longer than the conversation lasts, so that's something I should be thankful for.

Did I ruin anything? I mean, we had a wonderful night afterwards, and when he left to go out, I was just 'whatever' about it, and I mean, we did have a wonderful night and had alot of fun together as usual.

I just feel so jealous... and I told him that. I want friends that care about me like he has, I want friends that I've had since I was 2 years old like he has, I want to be 21 and able to go out and do things like he can... and I told him this.

He gave me advice-- it didn't help, though. He just said to be nice, and I am nice. But it doesn't get me any friends.

I asked him if he thinks less of me because I don't have friends, and he was just like "no" like "what are you talking about?" kind of. He's not really one to hold things like that against a person.. but I feel so low. I need a life I need a life.. I need a life.. I need it now.

 

The bookstore plans fell through as he was over late. Tomorrow morning-afternoon I am going most definitely.

 

You know, something that I seriousely believe will make me feel less alone is to have a pet. I've got to get one. Just something to interact with that I can take care of. Of course, that on top of going out and getting people friends, haha.

[Hope75]

A pet is not a bad idea, if you can have one. Just remember, as others have told you, you don't need lots of friends to have outside interests and to do things you enjoy. When you go back to school in the fall, try to strike up a convo with someone sitting next to you. If you are asked to do a project or presentation, pick some fun partners and suggest going for pizza to discuss the project. You can make friends, if you want too.

 

Most importantly, you need to get into counseling to talk about your low self esteem.

 

I figured Gradle's thread would keep you busy for a little while!

 

Do you like to take pictures? Drive to a park and people watch and take soe pictures. Do the bookstore, library, go and see a chick flick your boyfriend doesn't want to see, go to the gym, hit the beach with a romance novel, anything to stay busy, enjoy yourself, and give your boy some breathing room.

 

Hon, there is no reason to feel jealous when your bf goes out with his friends. He spends alot of time with you, and alot of time reassuring you of how much he cares. He's very patient with you. You don't want to push him away, do you?

 

It's just as important to your own mental health as it is to your relationship for you to learn how to enjoy yourself and your own interests.

 

Get creative. Make a list of things you like to do that don't require a couple. I'll bet you can find lots of things.

[xmrth]

I don't know if I should make this another post or not. I probably will but here's to who's reading this thread already:

 

Last night my boyfriend left early to go out with his friends to a bar (he usually does, and from what I recall, he sometimes always did over the years to go out with his friends after seing me)... my parents asked why he left so early, and I told them why. They say that he should NOT be leaving me alone like that on a Friday night (and Saturdays) where he knows I have nothing else to do, AND that he shouldn't leave me for his friends and I should be top priority... but it's the only night he can go out to bars with his friends and whatnot... I know his friends mean more to them than I do (well, I'm assuming they do because he says "well I've known them since I was 2 years old" and all that)

And then my mother continued to say the things that go on in bars... but I trust him, but they say "how do you know what's really going on?"

 

I don't know, I'm making this another post because this was a big thing last night and I don't know who is right... my parents aren't pushy, they are right about things but are they right about this?

 

I made another post...:

link removed