When a parent becomes toxic...

[Borashi]

I use the term toxic as I've heard of this term used before in various books and through the media. I was wondering if you've ever had a parent or friend who you feel has had a more negative impact on your life rather than a positive one. I feel this way with both my parents who are divorced, my dad for instance insists on calling me almost daily just to talk. His grip upon me has been really tight ever since my grandma passed away 3 years ago. I caretake her house now and that is the main reason for his control in my life. He also comes over every Sunday to sit and "talk" I think he honestly doesn't know how to get over emotional issues dealing with death as well as various other problems thereforeeee he just turns to me to give his life "meaning" I have 2 brothers one of which used to live here, but he's sinced moved away, so I'm the remaining son. Basically my dad had no father growing up so he's never really understood how to parent, he never taught me life lessons like with sex, relationships, friends, anything. He never really helped me out or gave advice like most fathers do. He basically just lives in his own world however crazy it may seem. I'll tell him what I want to do which is move to Alabama and he gets all annoyed and says or Minnesota, like he's trying to stop me from leaving. He has control issues too, where I'll tell him I'm considering enrolling in this college for criminal justice and he'll go off on a rant about you have to pick up more around the house and mow the lawn, etc. It seems like he doesn't really live in the current moment so to speak, cause he's so busy worrying about "whatever" runs through his mind everyday. My question is how do I slowly push him away so he doesn't affect my life in a negative way. It's taken me 24 years to realize that my parents don't even have my best interests at heart , only I do. That gives me a sense of unworthiness at times when my parents are too messed up emotionally to share in my own dreams.

[Dre_7]

Well, I had this friend who was so passionate about helping me to reach my soccer dream. He's four years older than me, which I think makes him very authoritative. Older people who lack wisdom and maturity, usually think they are experts at life based on their age. He also had an "I'm always right attitude."

I had a bad tournament a few weeks ago, after that it seemed that everytime I met with him, I was asked "are you dumb?" or "are you stupid?" And he'd tell me that he respected my dream more than he respects me. And I was being treated like crap all based on one tournament, he himself said time and time again I'm a good player etc. Then I figured friendship is friendship and sport is sport, and if he can't separate the two then there's no reason to keep him as a friend. And this wasn't the first time that he was acting like a jerk either. I want to realize my dreams more than the people around me can fathom, but at this age I think I respond to constructive criticism better than I do to teasing, and childish banter.

So how did he impact my life negatively? Before I let him go, I was always stressed out, not able to train or play properly, because whatever he said would always go through my mind when I had a soccer ball at my feet. That extended to lowering myself esteem, because all he seemed to do was criticize. Nobody likes criticism, but it does have benefits, when used sparingly and constructively. In addition, I've developed a qucik temper, that happens when somebody close to you always has you on the defensive, EVERYTIME you talk to them. And I think because of the stress, my blood pressure went up somewhat. Not good.

But on the positive side of things, when I let him go, I've been able to train and play with a peace of mind. I can see my goals clearly again, I know what I need to work on etc. Overall, I feel like I'm on the right track again. All the progress I've made throughout my teenage years were based on some positive encouragement from my mom, and a never say die attitude. I intend to do it all with the help of God, my mom's support, and an the determination to fulfill my potential.

 

..So that's the story of the person who became "toxic" in my life