He said..."The s just fell into his lap".

[kaime]

He said if I didn't react the way that I did, he most likely probably would have come back but because I reacted in such a fowl manner, I pushed him towards her even more. He said "People when they're under attack usually go away from the fire not towards it." There was no fire until I found out some truths.

 

My ex slept with another woman. When I found out I asked him why would he do such a thing rather than just to break up with me. He said the s*&% just fell into his lap.

 

I am thinking that he just thought he wouldn't get caught, an opportunity came and he took it. I think he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

 

It does eat me up because I am in love with this man. I'm staying FAR FAR AWAY, so don't worry. But how else was I supposed to react upon finding out that my bf had sex with another woman.

 

A few people have said that if I had calmly walked away and just started nc right away I might of have a chance to 'get him back'. And Im thinking but I didn't do anything wrong, he did! He did. And yet they've made me feel as if I'm wrong b/c I did not handle the breakup correctly and I've lost any chance I had in reconciliation because I freaked out.

 

Sorry, my ltbf just confessed to cheating on me. I don't think you really know how you'll react when faced with that reality...until you're faced with it.

 

But it does burn me that he is also saying this. If I had calmly stepped away I suppose then he would have come back to me. It's the way things are done. He didn't say this I'm just paraphrasing what it felt like he meant. It's just wrong. How come this man gets to be in the right and dictate how I'm supposed to react upon hearing such news? And then place a condition on how I was supposed to act during the breakup.

 

I didn't BREAK anything, I didn't hit him, I was mad, I cursed, screamed, cried, was in shock and disbelief. I asked why couldn't he just have broken up with me first? Or why couldn't he have just told me if there was a problem so we could either fix it or decide what was best for BOTH of us. Not just one of us. Instant satisfaction. and instant lost of a friendship/relationship.

 

I hope he thinks about me forever. And what he lost. That would be my revenge. Because from this day forth (after I let it out a little)...I will not think about him again. He is nothing to me and I will erase him from my mind. I don't care about saving the good things about our relationship I want nothing.

 

How could someone you loved say to you 'the s just fell into my lap." as an excuse for them cheating?

[reflectionlessmirror]

A****** times ten! Get him as far out of your mind as you can! When yo think about him, push it out of your mind. Go ahead and have the anger and hate for now. Yes, it will consume you for a while, but dont let it interfere with the other parts of your life that are good. Slowly youwil forget about him and how bad he burned you and the hate will go away. His name will become no more important to you than who sat behind you in 1st grade! he is dumb.

[kaime]

I will never forget about him as I love the man so he'll always have some piece of my heart. BUT...I don't need him. No hate or anger, just disappointment. I got the anger out when I screamed at him. Lasted for another week then I threw my hands up and said "im done." Oh it was about a 2 year relationship. But I'll admit, all the questions did float in.

 

Still, I'm thinking who in your life told you it was okay to treat people in this manner? I've met his family they're for the most part pretty nice people. However, I do think his mother smothered him a little too much and gave him this "better than thou" superiority complex that he's taken to heart. And his social skills aren't the best. Maybe he's never learned you just don't say things like that / do things like that. OR maybe his inner ah self didn't surface...until he got caught. And it mannifested itself in a matter of moments.

 

Just wondered about your guys opnions on WHAT he said and how screwed up it was. But now that I just looked at something else he wrote, he's showing a pattern of saying messed up things. Love him, but the more and more I think about it, the more and more I'm OKAY with not having him in my life in any capacity. That's fine for me.

 

Here is a link to something that I wrote earlier - NOT for the faint of heart as it will really get you going.

 

link removed

[annie24]

You know, just be thankful that you didn't marry him and have tons of kids with him, and then had him say, "the s just fell into my lap." Yeah, that's great. Like, he just slipped and fell and his *beep* fell into another woman's *beep*. He sounds like a real winner!

 

Yes, over time, the pain will lessen. It's ok - you'll find someone more worthy. Good luck!

[reflectionlessmirror]

I think he is a self centered jerk, and his main problem is that he is blaming YOU for the infidelity. He is a momas boy. Probably his mother let him do whatever he wanted to and he learned that he was the only perosn that matters in this world. Well soon he will find that is not how relationships work and he will have lonely life! I guess he can sit around and wait for more P*ssy to fall in his lap! LOOSER!

[michelemybell]

Bravo to you Kaime. I think most of us would've acted exactly like you did. Remember, it was HIM who did the bad thing. Don't let your mind...or let your friends---make you feel like it is your fault. There is a term called "gaslighting", where a person like your boyfriend does the bad things, but somehow makes you believe it was your fault and you are the one going crazy. Don't let this happen to you!!! We have all done things in our relationships where we dont act completely right. However, mature people work on these things together...or mutually break up. He thought cheating was the answer. This isn't how a mature responsible person acts. He took the low road.

Imagine if we all just took any opportunity to sleep with someone just because "it fell into (our) lap". There is such thing as self-control. We all have to learn it. He doesn't have it. All I can say is, count your lucky stars you found this out now. He is not a quality person. There are many (better) guys out there that won't cheat on you, no matter what "falls in (their) lap"!

Tell your friends that you are better than that. You dont need to grovel toward a man that disrespected you. HE should be the one begging you to come back. In the meantime, keep yourself busy. Continue to make yourself the most wonderful, special person that you are. And fill your life up with quality people. Absolutely NC with this guy. I have a feeling he will come sniffing around anyhow...and I sincerely hope you are at the point in your life where you can tell him to f*** off!!! (That is really what the NC plan is for!!)

[reflectionlessmirror]

VERY good point made by the other posts that you found out this early on before marraige and kids! I am going to remember that school of thought for my past relationship as well!

[reflectionlessmirror]

Sometimes we think we love someone because we see them fro some idea of what they are. We love THAT, not really the creep they are. I feel that way about my ex. I thought i loved him but i loved a lie!

[kaime]

he learned that he was the only perosn that matters in this world

 

exactly! im sure he said something to me about him doing what he thought was right for him at the time. and i was thinking, but i thought we were in a relationship - shouldn't you be thinking about what's right for us? so he is a self centered jerk. with age comes wisdom, not that i should be worried about him - but as a caring person (some times...) i would hope that eventually he would grow and change. no one should go through life being a jackhole, but many do. it's a sad existence huh?

 

We were in love with one another, i can't deny that. for a time at least. i can't explain it or i could but i could write a million reasons on why this was the man i love. even still that he screwed up majorally there are feelings there, it's just changed. unfortunately, i just think that his idea on what relationships are supposed to be (beyond love) were jaded. he thought you're supposed to have bliss forever. didn't understand that it takes work and sometimes it's up and sometimes it's down but people work it out and find middle grounds. and it's not always about getting your way. we never fought though to be honest but i think he though for instance the honeymoon stage should last forever and we all know that fades. not completely! but somewhat. you've left bliss and have entered reality. i wasn't perfect by any means but im not horrible either. i was a pretty good gf and i figure he'll see or remember how it was when he was tryign to date before me tyring to find 'quality women'. he had a hard time at it. i swear i wished more men (not the guys in this forum b/c they are a different breed!) would look at relationship books and magazines like many women tend to (not all, many)

 

i loved everything about this man...loved being the operative word. in 2 years he's never cheated (trust me i know - he can't lie to save his life and im a good reader of body language) until that time and then i was like whoa you know what? that's NOT OKAY for me. have fun buh bye now.

 

so sure i love/d him and will always carry that memory of what was in my heart but he ruined anything else. my respect, devotion, and unconditional love for him - out the door. he'll be my first true love and that's about it. btw - i've thought i'd been in love before but those were infactuations or lust, this guy...he was the real thing. it wasnt just the idea of what he was, it was him completley.

 

now the creep that he is now? i don't love that fella. don't even know who that guy is and am fine not knowing him. let some other girl have him. heh hopefully he'll meet a demonspawn.

 

oh i don't want another chance with him, i think you read my post wrong? it was just in the beginning, you know how that is? when you're first in shock and you're like whoa what just happened. nonononono. i'm done.

 

finally michelemybell - "gaslighting" huh? that's exactly it! he did somthing bad and tried to make me believe it was my fault. im no angel like i said before but...i didn't sleep with another person! yeah, maturity and responsible, that's where i left it at. i figured this 30 year old man is not as mature as he should be at his age. i expected him to be but you know...he proved to me that he wasn't.

 

i truly won't grovel. plus i don't remember his phone number any longer so lol the only way i have to contact him is by literally going over to his place and i told him...never again will i set foot in this house.

 

not sure he will sniff around though anyways - he's what you call um he's one of those people who think they're always right. so in this situation like i said, he thinks what he did was ok and i should understand it from his point of view. i don't. i only understand that like you said "he took the low road". didn't think he'd get caught. simple as that. he's too proud and probably will not contact me. if he did...i think i'd fall out of my chair!

 

but alas, w/e. he did the bad thing, you guys validating my feelings on this - i KNOW that i'm right, sometimes friends i mean i know they meant well esp knowing how i felt about this one (and the first time they've ever seen me happy with another person, even to the point of us planning marriage and kids eventually - something i never EVER cared for) but...no.

 

funny thought just now. as i was walking up the coast this morning (be jealous !) I was thinking about IF he contacted me and what would i do. would i pick up the phone and listen to what he has to say? would I tell him what I had to say or ask him questions? would i simply ignore his call? would I ignore his call but send him a copy of the note he sent to me - as well as a note of my own highlighting all the reasons he screwed up. lol (that one was a fantasy - but I actually did make a list of all the things he said and did during this so if i ever had the thought of getting back with him, i look at that list and boy oh boy do i ever get mad).

 

i hate that they say living well is the best revenge, heh cause being human i'd like more. BUT it's a good saying. i've a gf who's ex broke up with her in the most hideous way, now she's making high six figures with her new bf who makes six figures and he's down and out couch surfing. he kicks himself in the * * * * everytime he talks to her. karma i guess.

[kaime]

Those other people---they probably only see the side he presents to the public. What would you tell them if they were in your shoes?

 

i have been in their shoes and i was like 'i dunno girl, i think you should run away. but do what you want...just be careful.'

 

so i've taken my advice. it just took me a little to get there. two and a half months and i'm seeming to come alone mostly smoothly. i've had zero desire to contact him. my imagination runs wild sometimes but it doens't make me sad i just shrug my shoulders and think w/e. i must admit though, the only thing that gets me down are holiday/long weekends. the times when everyone i know are out of town and im sitting here alone thinking about what we did the last few 4ths. actually i think we just kind of stayed inside away from all the crazy drunk drivers so hmmm. it's not all that different.

 

he sucks. why would you even say that to someone? i mean come on! kick me while i'm down why don't you? it makes me feel like he never respected the relationship nor me in the first place. i KNOW this is a wrong thought to have (b/c at one point he did) but...now? and when he did what he did? nope. not one ounce of respect. he did what was good for him. he was being greedy and selfish.