just my story

[silent pain]

Hey hello, i just joined because i am in my own personal world of abuse and have been despratly trying to find a forum like this to express my feelings.

I cant express my hurt at friends or family cause it is very emarressing that a 26 year women is stuck in such a up situation, also i have gotten into trouble from him for discussing our problems. Well i dont really have any friends anymore and i dont want to make new ones. Why would i?? Who would want to see this

I have a boyfriend of 5 years who has gone through alot, i have stuck by his side through everything, i took his meaness down to stress. Now the clouds are lifting and the abuse is a REAL thing. I cant even explain it.

he dont work, he sleeps (in the lounge mind you, havent sleept in my bed for 4 years)

i take time out from work just to go home and wake his sorry up and make him a fresh juice everyday, yet he dont get out of bed till about 3pm4pm, then hits me in anger if he is upset that he has missed half the day. and i state that to him

He sits up alll nite and sometimes when i wake up in the morning he not even there

He gets phone calls from these girls (at all times) who say is his friends and they know who i am, so i question would a female dis repect someone realsonship like that.

i get called, i have even been spat on in the face.

I have had threats towards me and family and he makes me take days off when he dont trust me.

pushes me over all the time, your know how 5years old push each other over

nealry thrown me down the stairs

strangles all the time till im blue

He has dragged me down to my work at 3am, just so he can go through my emails.

sometime i just wish he would kill me, put me out of pain and maybe by him doing that he will be charged thrown in jail and then no other girl will ever have to go through the pain and suffering.

When i am on the ground in pain like that i BEG him to stop, but i usually get a punch for crying cause DEAD LEGS dont hurt in his world

he says for that split momment when i am in pain, i dont say anything, its his way to shut me up he reakons

I know i should leave, i know what people are going to write in reply to me. But as i sit here crying over re-reading my sad story i also realise that i will have to go home soon and see what i have waiting for me. Im scared, nervous and anxious.

but i would like to thank you for reading, i no that this wont get back to him. I feel so much better when i talk about my silent pain. i feel 5% beter about myself, jus getting that out

[dpressedone89]

im glad getting that out made you feel better. i see your a new member you should probably becareful about the language personally it doesnt bother me but the moderators dont really like it.i have been through alot in my life abuse included my dad used to knock the life out of me and y ex girlfriend was in a situation siilar to yours. we were best friends our whole lives and before we went out she told me the truth about her life her dad had been abusing her and that her bf did too. i am so sorry to hear your bf treats you that way. if you need to talk feel free to PM me.

i hope things get better for you

[sonjam]

I'm afraid for your safety because the abuse will only get worse. Please talk about the abuse, tell me why you can't turn to your family. I know you feel humiliated and asshamed. It is a terrible thing happening to you, and if you don't take action it's only going to get worse.

 

It is totally your own choice if you want to report him, but I need you to know that you have just found a WHOLE WORLD full of friends, we are ready to listen, to support you, and to intervene when you are ready. The day when you feel you are able to leave, we will do all we can to assist. This I PROMISE you. But until then we are not going to judge you, or redicule you. A lot of us has been where you are, and worse. Take solice in that there is a way out. You have to be strong and ready to take it, and I know you are not ready right now. Just daring to talk to us was the first step in the right direction.

 

You deserve better than this. You are young and still have a whole life ahead of you full of undiscovered wonderfull things, secrets, feelings, people. You have to be free to experience this, it is your destiny.

 

Take a few precautions for your own safety, create a hotmail/webmail account to which your new message reminders will be sent from this forum, in case your man wants to check your mail again, and finds us! OR don't give your e-mail address out, and come back often to find your replies!.

 

We are always here, and you are VERY WELCOME to send me a private message to keep track of you.

[Reilly2856]

Why wish you were dead? Your life is too precious to waste on this sorry excuse of a male. I will tell you what you already know, you NEED TO LEAVE. In fact, I am quite surprised why you havn't left a long time ago. Most women dont' leave becasue they are either financially dependent, or afraid to go. You have a job, so you don't need him in that sense. If fear is standing in your way, then reach out to your family. Even if you don't have any close friends who can help you out, your family can offer you support. Start by making a plan. Plan the day you will leave, when you will leave. Before that day, let your family know immediately what your situation is. If needed, get the police involved. But do something.

 

Taking abuse is as wrong as someone who administers it. You are a human being who deserves to live life freely without any control or fear of another. But he won't let you, till you take the courage to take back the life that he now controls. Be strong and seek support. He only has control over you till you let him. The day you take the resolve to seek help and kick him out of your life, you will be free. My prayers are with you.

[shorty20]

I"m so sorry you're going through this. I too, don't understand why you don't leave. There are safe houses, there are the police who you can go to.... can't you go to your family? You don't deserve to be living in fear of your life every day and having this guy take advantage of your generosity and love, while it is just thrown back in your face... PLEASE GET OUT OF THIS!!! I too am scared that the abuse will only get worse. PM me anytime you need to talk hun.

[sonjam]

Guys, I have to say something in defence of silentpain. It's not that easy to leave a situation like this.

 

It is very easy to say it, if you are not in the situation yourself. A person like this is humiliated, and daily she is told she is worthless and nothing. Your self image (if you still have one by that time) is minimal. Add isolation and depression to the mix, and you don'e even have enough strenth to make it through a normal working day, let alone make a move from a situation like this! To leave means you have to find strenth and conviction that you will make it. It is one of the single most difficult things to do.

 

OF COURSE it is the best and only thing that she should do(leave), but she already knows that. She needs SUPPORT now, until she is strong enough to decide to leave, and are able to do it. [/i]

[silent pain]

sonjam you are totally correct check you PM. I know i have to leave i know the things i have to do it, but it is the most hardest thing. My courage dont exist anymore. My self esteem dont exist anymore. My strength

VERY TRUE though I have found myself a whole new group of friends here, and i thank you. I have been thinking about this site all week (since i posted up), thinking "will they think i am a fool, will they LOL at me, am i weak" then when i came back i had some supportive and understanding words that i have not had in about 6 years. Some understanding finally.

As for turning to my family, i wish i could and i proberly could BUT my family are very proper and professional people and i wouldnt DARE tell them the horrible life i live, its just not the way we live. It would shatter them.

 

Apologies for my swearing in my original post.

[armchairshrink]

Good point, sonjam.

 

Silent Pain, you do need to leave -- when you are ready (just try not to wait too long, before he can seriously hurt you). We on the forum will support you through the difficult process you've started just by sharing your pain. Of course, you also need someone who can reach out and hug you. Can you find support at your church, if not your family? And don't give up on your family or friends yet -- they may have just been waiting for you to ask for help. Or try your local Women's Shelter; many towns have them.

 

Please do think hard about leaving this abuser. I am afraid for your safety. Post to us when you can, we'll be here. Good luck.

[silent pain]

i will post as much as i can.

[Hope75]

Hi Silent,

 

Welcome to enotalone,

 

I was in tears reading your post. I was just where you are now, not too long ago. I lived with my abusive, alcohlic, drug addict ex fiance for 5 years, from 8/94- 11/99,

 

During that time, he punched me, choked me until I was blue, kicked me, slammed me into the wall, raped me, slammed my legs in the door, pinched and scratched me, and knocked me down. He threw a bowling ball at my head and nearly killed me.

 

He was severely depressed, and didn't trust me, so he isolated me from any male friends, even one of my gay best friends. He told me if I left, he would kill himself and it would be my fault. I believed him, and I too, stuck by him for a long time. I took care of him much like you take care of your bf. I would miss so many days from work when he hurt me, or didn't trust me. He would call work constantly to check up on me.

 

He was in and out of work, he would work for a few months, have a "problem" with authority figures telling him what to do and quit. I would support us working 60+ hours a week at a dry cleaner for months at a time. I had to go to the food pantry (where they give away day old bread and dented cans of food, soft and rotting fruit) to feed us sometimes.

 

At one point he punched a wall and broke his wrist and was out of work for a month, and right before they were to remove his cast, he fell while drunk and broke his ankle, and was out for a another 2 months. It was hand to mouth for us every week. We ate alot of Ramen noodles.

 

My ex didn't have a license, and I had to drive him/us everywhere. When I couldn't afford the car insurance anymore, I had to take my car off the road, and I got hell for that too.

 

I stayed with him for a long time past loving him, it became more out of fear and obligation. I know what you are going through, believe me, and I know how hard it is to get to the point where you feel like you can get out.

 

My parents were never abusive to each other or us, I never grew up in an unstable home. They knew to some extent what was going on, (the hospital called my father on one occasion, when my ex was arrested there for going ballistic and attacking security guards and doctors when I took him there to get help because I found him cutting himself at home.)

 

I cry when I think of my dad getting out of bed and coming to get me at the hospital at 3 am, and then when I refused to leave my ex, sitting with me in the waiting room until they let me see him, in 4 point restraints, cursing and spitting at me.

 

It's hard to let them in, and it's embarrassing. I know how hard it is to come out and tell anyone what you are going through. They don't understand why you stay, and how you put up with it.

 

I also want you to know that you can get out, when you are ready to do so. I did it, and I am here today, and doing well. I'm in college for the second time and have found love with a wonderful man who treats me with respect and love.

 

I want to let you know that as Sonjam has said, we are here for you and will offer any support and advice that we can, and when you are ready, we will do what we can to help you get out.

 

Hope

[alona125]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am in a similar situation, but the abuse you have suffered is tremendous.

The extent of what my ex did was cuss at me, push me down in a jealous rage, and basically told me everyday how much of a child I acted like.

All I did was love him, and I showed it all the time. He chose to focus on my little mistakes, and hold them against me, using silent treatment, threatening me, and making me sound worthless.

I wish I got out sooner, but I waited and waited, and nothing changed.

Now, I have finally, after time and time again of going back, decided its done.

He has ignored all my kind attempts, texts, phone calls, and emails, and I feel it is now time to do the same.

I will no longer pursue him, and for my safety and sanity, if he ever calls me, I will not respond.

I have to tell you it is one of the hardest things, but you just have to start working on yourself and making yourself stronger.

I just told my mom, and she was so understanding.

Like Hope said, you can and will find love from a wonderful man. Many people have thought they could never do it, like me, but you can.

 

I am here for you, and so is everyone else. You will make it!

[silent pain]

OMG!!!! I cant believe the understanding i have here. The feeling is so amazing girls. Here for years i have been all alone and slient thinking nobody needs to here my story who would want to. But really all i need to do was open my mouth to a few people that understand me.

 

I just wish more of my new friend lived over here wid me

 

Hope75 i cried when i read your story as well. Spec the calling your Dad at 3am to come and get you it is embarressing. And yeah the throwing of things. The things that get thrown at me arent as bad as a bowling ball more like lighters, sizzors anything in reach at the time oh makes me cry.....

[Hope75]

silent,

 

You can PM any time you need to talk, I am here for you.

 

Was your bf always like this? Are you close with anybody? Anyone in your family you feel you could talk to?

 

What do you do for work? Would you be able to support yourself if you ever chose to leave?

 

Have you thought about leaving?

 

Where are you when you are on the computer reading and typing to us? Are you safe?

 

Just some questions. I know how hard it is to think about, even overwhelming. I want you to know that when you are ready, you can do this.

 

You are stonger than you know.

[sonjam]

Silent Pain, I'm glad to see you made it through yesterday, and you will make it through tomorrow. Talking to us and sharing everyday will make you stronger, and strengthen your resolve. Together we will help you search through the rubble of your life, and start building on a new foundation. As strong one, so you will be able to stand up and be your own woman.

 

Please share with us how you guys met, if you still love him, if you have ever tried to leave before..

[silent pain]

I have loved my BF from the 1st day i met him. He walked through my front door and i thought "I have to get him and i will have him", he had a GF at the time, so i patiently waited until they split up. As soon as they did the chase was on and after a year he was mine........

I dont know what happened and when it happened. I became blind???? I cant even remember the 1st time he smaked me, but i can remember the 1st time my face looked like a war zone that he felt so bad that he apologised and held me all night until i fell asleep. I should of left then i guess.

Now i get offered a panadole............

I have tried to leave before yes, but he sat in public crying his eyes out telling me that there is no way he will ever find someone like me. I have told him if he was with any other female he wouldnt be sitting here cause not all females put up with this crap. blah blah but thats me being stoopid

as usual

[Hope75]

...........

I have tried to leave before yes, but he sat in public crying his eyes out telling me that there is no way he will ever find someone like me. I have told him if he was with any other female he wouldnt be sitting here cause not all females put up with this crap. blah blah but thats me being stoopid

as usual

 

Hi Silent,

 

I was wondering how your weekend went.

 

So you have tried to leave him, and have stood up to him before. I think that's good, and I think that you will find the strength to leave him, when you are ready to do so.

 

Have you ever looked into women's crisis/abuse hotlines? It's a start, and they could offer you some advice and often protection and a place to stay while you re-establish your life.

 

No woman should have to put up with a man laying his hands on her in a bad way (or man to woman either) and no man who loved you would ever hit you.

[sonjam]

O, my dear friend. You have been brainwashed to the extent that you think you are being stupid if you say anything to assert yourself. What you are putting up with is not stupid, and you are not stupid for wanting things in your life. He knows the best way to get to you is to do stuff in public, to embarrass you, and it works everytime!

 

Of course you love him. He was not horrible and bad when you met him, he was charming, good looking, and THE ONE! Thing is, time passes and he has shown you his ugly side. The good side is still there, you know it, he just doesn't show it TO YOU anymore.

 

Now what? You have to start looking at YOU. What do you want, need, and expect from you BF? Being aggressive, angry, or even sad and depressed all the time, will only evoke the bad reactions from him. NOT a good idea.

 

What we need to do is CHANGE the behaviour that caused you to end up in this situation. MOST IMPORTANT we have to try and do this without evoking your b/f's temper. Unfortunately, changing the 'RULES OF ENGAGEMENT" is bound to get reaction from him, people always resist change. So we have to start with the little things, and try and not be too open about it at first, until you feel comfortable in yourself.

 

Are you sure you realise that leaving him is the only way, when you are ready? Or do you think that you could change him, and things will be better?

[Siraf]

I am disgusted with this guy. Being a guy myself I still can't understand why he is so cruel and thoughtless. He doesn't deserve a nice girl like you.

 

If he really loves you, he would realise what he's doing to you. Think about it. Would YOU ever treat somebody like that? Even if the person really got you mad? Would you beat them, abuse them and make their life a living hell? Of course not. So what's his excuse? None. Personally, I don't think he can change. This is his true self. He showed you his nice side when you met him, but through the years, he let his mask slip and revealed his TRUE side. You can't change someone's true self until they change themselves. He's had so many changes of changing for the better but he didn't.

 

It's hard to leave him but you KNOW it's the right thing to do. Look deep inside your heart and think: Is this the person you'd die for? The only person you'll love. The best, most loving, caring person you kow? Does he make you happy? Why live with someone who doesn't make you happy? Make you smile? Make you laugh?

 

I'm sorry to say this but I don't think this person is for you. You deserve someone waaaaay better.

[orange soda]

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I know exactly how you feel. When i was reading your post it was like i was reading my own story. I feel like I can't talk to family or friends either and i have a very close and wonderful family. Not only is it embarrassing but i know at least in my situation i don't want there to be tension between my fiance and my family if things ever work out. Do you ever feel like that?

 

It makes me sad that you say you sometimes hope he would kill you. You can't think like this. Your life is far too important to let some guy ruin it for you just because he can't keep his anger in control.

 

I wish I had advice for you but I am in the same position. Let's chat and see if we can help each other out of this confusing mess.

[thisisnotanexit]

hey,

i am SO sorry all this has happened. but you HAVE to get the will to leave this place. of course be safe about it, but you have to get a plan devised.

 

first of all, never be afraid to contact an emergency number

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or in australia, you can call this number for confidential help -

13 11 14

 

You can also call the national sexual assault hotline at (800) 656-HOPE.

 

there are shelters and such that the people at this number can get you to.

 

make plans to secretly leave that awful place. call the police from a different area. don't give up, you CAN get away.

 

this is an EXCELLENT website that can help you get away. it also helps with self-defense, which is important.

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also, this is wonderful

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of course its obvious to get pepper spray either from a store or the police, but there is also other important things to know about protecting yourself from an attacker

 

here is a great link

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also,

this is wher eyou can get pepper spray online

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just make sure you get away from the situation the best you can. if you're ever in doubt, call an emergency number or the police..SOMEONE that can help you.

 

visit these sites if you are in need of any help

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take care and hang in there..again i'm so sorry. if you need us, we're all here for you. and if anyone else reading this has experienced or is experiencing an abusive relationship, PLEASE TELL SOMEONE. take care![/b]

[silent pain]

I still here everyone....... There has been no violence lately, just verbal & MAJOR mind game stuff..... I am still very stressed out though. I know my life is important but somedays i really dont think much of myself....

 

We have these commercails going on over here at the momment about physical abuse and how it effect people ct ect. they have been a good playing in the back groud cause i know he is watching

 

I would like to thank you all for the respose i have received online here. I wasnt expecting so many replies, i really honestly thought nobody cares that much... I HUGE THANK YOU to my new found friend Sonja, you are a dream....I have never meet anyone who new all the right things to say, would like to meet you in person. But all you girls and guys and FANTSTIC i think of you all proberly every night in bed before i go to sleep. makes me feel better

[thisisnotanexit]

hey,

we're here still here for you! you really should tell someone. you say your family wouldn't understand, but i'm sure they would care about your situation and want to get you help. or your friends or just anyone, really (police, social worker, somoeone). hang in there and keep posting with us. take care

[Hope75]

Hi Silent Pain,

 

I am glad you are still with us and thanks for the update! I think it's good that where you are is promoting awareness of violence against women... so there is support available out there when you are ready for it.

 

Sonjam is an angel is disguise.... you are lucky to have found each other.

 

 

Please keep us updated OK?

 

Hope

[thisisnotanexit]

also, this is another very helpful site

 

 

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take care