Can't pull myself up....Kinda long---SORRY!!

[NoMoreSunshine]

Last week we went for 4 days without speaking... I felt as though my world was caving in. We spoke on Sat-- she was supposed to bring some stuff to the house, never came or called. Finally called me Sunday nite and told me not to bother her anymore. (i had left text asking why she never showed up or let me know what was going on) She said a few more ugly things and then told me she was no longer in love with me, hadn't been for a bit. I, of course, had to argue about that. Considering just 3 1/2 weeks ago, she came to my work and professed how much she was in love with me.

 

She was already seeing someone before she moved out of our house. I know that's why she is saying this stuff... not to mention she was at this new person's house when she called on Sun. I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest. That night I got really rip roaring drunk at home alone and came extremely close to killing myself.. The song that Seether did with the girl from Evanesense "Broken" is so where I am right now...

 

After that night I've done well with NC. She called me last night and asked if she could come get something from the house. When she came in (still has a key--yes I know foolish), she sat on the bed talked for a few acting cool. I'd been working really hard to purge the house of her. I got a new bed and she was a little distraught when she didn't see "our" bed. "What'd you do with the bed? Where is it?? Why'd you take it down?" I was nonchalant and said, it's here, don't worry.

 

She told me she still wasn't smoking weed, and I said, ok, great for you. That was one thing she always said she couldn't live without (along with me) and it was a huge sore point with us. Along with not working, being irresponsible, drinking, putting everything in front of us...Before she left she hugged me so tight and said I'll see ya around, later.

 

There is a huge hole in my heart mind body and soul... I have worked on the house, but slow going because it's so hard to move or think. I keep going down into this dark place in my mind that won't let me out. Drinking helps to pass the time, but it is not the answer. I don't know what to do, my insides are knotted up and my mind keeps racing. It's weird, I'm so very tired, but can't sleep or even just rest my weary head and being.

 

I feel like I'm dying a thousand deaths and don't know what to do. I thought I was getting better at well at least faking it better, but when she called, I knew I'd gotten nowhere. I miss her. I miss her smile.

 

We had some really awful times, but we had some absolutely amazing times... our life was very passionate. We could bring out the best and the worst in each other... We tried therapy, but she didn't like what the therapist said, so we stopped. Now she's just telling me she's not smoking weed to be ugly--to prove it's all my fault, just like always.

 

I'm sorry for such a looonnnnggg post, I just need to vent and get things out of my head and heart. Anything back would be nice... Thanks for listening.

[ediefy]

I'm sorry that you're hurting. It stinks, no way around it. Here's what I think might help you really get going on feeling better:

 

Change your locks. If you have stuff that is hers, put it in garbage bags out on your front porch and tell her that she has to come get it when you're not home. Give her a deadline, and after that date, take it to the dump or put it in the garbage. If there are big pieces of furniture, tell her that the stuff will be out on your porch or in the driveway on such-and-such a date (give her a week's notice), and that she has to arrange to pick it up, or you're giving it away/tossing it.

 

I know it sounds harsh, but you need to never see this person again. She's treated you horribly, and has no right to have access to you. She's not the person you once loved, she's changed, and she's no one you know or want to know.

 

It was interesting--after my ex dumped me, I put all of his stuff in a garbage bag and put it out on the front porch and sent him email, telling him to come get it the next day. He finally got it three days later. When I did speak to him briefly after that, he was totally pissed at me for making him come get it right away. He was hurt, if you can believe that! What did he expect? He broke up with me with no warning at all, and I couldn't stand to have any of his stuff (including nearly all of the gifts he gave me) in my house. Was I supposed to keep it in a shrine or something?

 

So. Shut her out of your life and move on. Really. You'll feel awful, but at least you'll know that she can't just show up and let herself in anytime she likes. Best of luck to you--

[temperamental_taurus]

Aww, sweetie, i completely understand your pain... I'm at the exact same stage as you are. I'm mentally paralyzed right now, unable to clean, think, drive... I made up my mind though that Sunday I'm snapping out of it. I'm going to force myself. I saw mine yesterday after 5 days of no contact. He was acting all full of himself too... just looking at him made me wish for things to be as they were before... knowing full well they can't and I'm not even going to pursue it. Eventually, I'd like to remain friends... I think... Our life was also the same way... we fight, that's what we do, brought out the good as well as the bad... what better revenge though, to get over them, look great, feel great and meet someone so much better than them!

[NoMoreSunshine]

Thanks guys!! I know that I need to do these things, but unfortunately right this moment I can't make my brain and my heart agree to do it. I feel guilty putting her stuff outside, because one night we were arguing and I threw some of her stuff in the front yard. I was really ticked that night... That was a really ugly night.

 

I've tried telling her that she needs to come get stuff or I'd get rid of it. But she also knows that I'm a pushover and i wouldn't do that. E-gads, i need to not be the nice girl anymore.

 

I'm trying to get back to me. I went out late Thursday nite to karaoke with a friend of mine. He's so great...it's funny I got to know him more thru the ex, but now he's my friend. He sees more of how she really is and doesn't like it. Anyways, I guess I was feeling it that night and got screams from the audience. I have wicked stage fright, but not that night...ok maybe the alcohol had something to do with it. After the bars closed that night a friend came over and hung out. She is one of the nicest people I've ever known... just genuinely kind and wonderful. I was giving the tour of some stuff I'd done since the ex was gone. I know she was talking to herself, but she said, damn now i'm feeling guilty. She thinks I'm smart funny and sexy, told me so several times. After she left, I felt guilty, because she is someone you *could* easily fall for, but I would not hurt her for the world. I realized she was kinda hitting on me, not something she'd ever done before. It felt good, but I miss my love so badly... I'm confused about this...

 

I need to get some finality to this. I miss her so badly. But you said it Taurus--i'm mentally paralyzed right now. This coming week I'm going to do if nothing else at least a little better than these past few. This morning was hard. I used to call her on my way home sometimes so that she'd be up for a few & we could have breakfast when I got there. I'd go to this little place called OK Donuts (super yummy) and grab something. I caught myself before I called her to see what she wanted, it was awful! So, instead when I got home, I did some dishes, played with the kitties (rotten little dorks!), and some laundry. I finally passed out...

 

Maybe I'll get some gonads and change the locks... maybe i'll just lay my head down and stop breathing, maybe she'll come home who knows. I just want the ache to go away. With her I know that it's easy to leave her stuff at my house as a "back up". So she always has a way out of whatever situation she's in. I'm an easy mark for her and the sucker willing to let it be. (flashing neon sign on my forehead--friends and lovers please take advantage!! ha!)

 

It's good to know someone is out there listening. Not so good to know that others are sad too. I want happiness and simplicity for everyone. Ok, not so possible, I know... So how about just a little peace and enjoyment in life. Thanks guys!!

[NoMoreSunshine]

Ok, one more thing. I was naughty last night. I sent a text to her just saying "hey, not trying to be a pain or a jerk, but are u anywhere near getting money to me? Take care." She owes me $210 and keeps saying she'll get it to me. I never heard from her and didn't send anything else.

 

I know it was wrong, but I do need the money. I know, I know, chalk it up to a lesson learned and know that I'll never see the money. I guess it's just one more way for me to try to connect with her.

 

Great Gods, I'm just a fool aren't I? I mean, she's off with her new fling in another person's arms and here I sit pining away for her. What is wrong with me?? I wish I could leave work now and just go get hammered.

 

I want her to find me wonderful and sexy again. I want to laugh with her and be dorky again. I want us, but I also want to be me again. I want happiness. I want to a partner, like it was in the beginning. I want to SHARE life with someone, not this. It's what we had at one time. I guess me and my love weren't good enough. I want a mutual taking care of -I give, you take, you give, i take---you know that stupid fairytale. We have it, it's just hidden somewhere. It's me, not you, you crazy b*&%$... but know i love you with all of me... that was what she said one day, ok more than just one day...

 

I miss being dorky. You know how everyone has one weird/goofy/dorky friend? Well, usually I'm that friend. I like being that person. It used to be fun to be me. Why do I want to keep loving someone who doesn't love me, well she does, just not the good kind of love. All she wants to do is use and manipulate me right now. It's what she's good at. This is the last time I date anyone younger than me. Ughhh.

 

Her grandma was half joking/half serious and told her beginning of this month that she was gonna cut her off when she turns 25. Even she said man, i'm pathetic, I turn 25 in 6 months... I laughed and told her she needed to figure something out then... haha! I'm not the only person she uses, by far. But with her gramma and I it's worse because we keep taking it. At least I'm not blinding myself to some of her problems though. Gramma acts like she can do no wrong (except the gay thing, but then she turns her blinders on for that too..).

 

Ok, enough for now... Even just getting this stuff out does help some. Maybe one day it won't hurt so much... Thanks everyone!!

[temperamental_taurus]

Hang in there!!! I know what you're saying, I used to be funny, up-beat, always smiling, laughing, bouncing around... He stripped all that away from me. Every now and again that girl I once knew shows up, because she's in there, hiding until it's safe to come out again. I want her back, I want ME back... and that will happen in time. I'm stronger than he is, I'm better than he is and good ALWAYS prevails over evil... I'm not going to let him win and neither should you... I've been weak in front of him but that will NEVER happen again.

 

Do what you have to do. If it is to get rid of EVERYTHING that reminds you of her - do it. I just erased an entire year of memories... every picture of him, me, both of us, our trips EVERYTHING that brought back a memory... Memories are dumb anyways, especially if they meant NOTHING. I've gathered all his things and am going to have a farewell ceremony tonight - wanna join me??? LOL - it may make you feel better

[NoMoreSunshine]

I've been trying for the last several days to purge her from my house. I got the new bed and an awesome futon for the living room. Only bad thing is that she took my socket set, so the futon is only half done..

 

I would love to join you tonight. I put a bunch of our pics and other stuff in the hall closet. That was sooooo hard. I can't make myself take down the drawing she did for me at christmas though. It is so beautiful--she's very talented and I love the pic. We also did a bunch of drawings together last year and hung them in the living room. I haven't been able to make myself take those down either. But they are also the first pastel drawings that I'd ever really done and it was neat. One day soon...

 

When I was in high school I dated this guy for a year. He moved away to college and I was still in high school. Of course, freshman in college---booze and lots of sex....go figure huh? When we broke up, a couple of my friends came over and we collected a bunch of the stuff that I didn't want anymore and had a drunken bonfire. Talk about purging and purifying yourself... I haven't felt that good before or since over a break up. Maybe I need (and you too Taurus) to get in touch with that Amazon tough chick I was back then and have a small bonfire...

 

On a really great note, my little brother is coming to town in exactly one month!!! He apparently came into a little bit of cashola recently and wants to spoil his big sister. We haven't seen each other in over 3 years, but talk all the time on the phone. (he lives in FL & me in TX--love free mins on cell phones haha!!) He's gonna be here for around 11 days YAY!!! He knows the deal with the ex and says I deserve to have someone take care of me for once... Plus it's his 21st birthday and he wants to do it up! Gonna spend a few days in Dallas, way cool! Funny, it's his birthday and he's gonna spoil ME... What a good kid! I'm just happy he's gonna be here, that's all that matters to me right now. At least something will keep me going for right this moment.

 

Hang in there Taurus, we can and WILL get thru this somehow!! It's nice to talk to someone. Thank you for your support!!

[NoMoreSunshine]

I just found this song online. It's by Kylie Sackley and fits me. It's what I want, but just cannot find the strength to do.

 

SAID GOOD MORNING TO MY CHERIO'S

DRANK SOME COFFEE, SMOKED A CIGARETTE

WENT UPSTAIRS AND I COMBED MY HAIR

AND I PICKED OUT THE PERFECT DRESS

OH, YOU DIDN'T BREAK MY HEART

YOU DIDN'T CRUSH MY PRIDE

YOU DIDN'T REALLY THINK YOU DID, DID YA?!

OH BABY I FINALLY DECIDED THAT I'M NOT GONNA MISS YOU.

 

I'M SWEEPIN UP THE PIECES I'M THROWIN OUT THE REASONS

FOR HANGING ON AND NOT LETTING GO

OH ITS TIME TO TURN THE PAGE

I'M STANDING CENTER STAGE

COME ON YEAH, ON WITH THE SHOW

 

FOUND MY LAUGH OUT ON 24 WEST

LYING RIGHT THERE BESIDE MY SMILE

I PICKED A ROAD I HADN'T BEEN DOWN BEFORE AND I JUST

DROVE AROUND FOR A WHILE

OH I'M FEELING BEAUTIFUL

I'M FEELING WONDERFUL

AND I'M NOt RENTING A ROOM FOR YOU INSIDE MY HEAD

OH BABY I FINALLY DECIDED I'LL JUST KEEP DRIVING INSTEAD

 

I'M SWEEPIN UP THE PIECES I'M THROWIN OUT THE REASONS

FOR HANGING ON AND NOT LETTING GO

OH ITS TIME TO TURN THE PAGE

I'M STANDING CENTER STAGE

COME ON YEAH, ON WITH THE SHOW

 

I'M SWEEPIN UP THE PIECES I'M THROWIN OUT THE REASONS

FOR HANGING ON AND NOT LETTING GO

OH ITS TIME TO TURN THE PAGE

I'M STANDING CENTER STAGE

COME ON YEAH,

OH COME ON YEAH

COME ON WITH THE SHOW

 

I want to do this and get back to me, but I can't stop missing her. This ache inside of me just keeps getting bigger instead of diminishing. I want her to come home or even just talk to me. I'm sitting here at work just bawling silently. I don't want to go home in the morning to her not being there. I want to call her and take her breakfast and laugh with her. It's so hard not talking to her. How do you go from telling this one person everything to NC?? I know I'm just a fool.

 

thanks for listening to me moan some more! Hugs and love to all those out there that need it!!

[NoMoreSunshine]

ok last one tonight... This is the only bad part about working nights. I have an office to myself and tonight has been busy, but it's like i'm in a time warp & time is standing still... My misery has reared its ugly head tonight.

 

I ran accross this song and it fits me as well... I want the other one, I want to get back to me. I want to be the dorky chick in the corner w/my friends that people still think of as an enigma. I used to get called the enigmatic sexy girl. I'm not the best looking one around, but my personality used to shine through and people saw that. I miss that, but right now I miss being that for the ex. I wish i still had her to be around... ughhhh! I wish this chasm in my soul would tighten up enough for me to breathe... Ok, the song is by Kelly Clarkson...

 

Seems like just yesterday

You were a part of me

I used to stand so tall

I used to be so strong

Your arms around me tight

Everything, it felt so right

Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong

Now I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hanging on

 

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

 

I told you everything

Opened up and let you in

You made me feel alright

For once in my life

Now all that's left of me

Is what I pretend to be

So together, but so broken up inside

'Cause I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hangin' on

 

Swallow me then spit me out

For hating you, I blame myself

Seeing you it kills me now

No, I don't cry on the outside

Anymore...

 

thanks guys!

[NoMoreSunshine]

ok last one tonight... This is the only bad part about working nights. I have an office to myself and tonight has been busy, but it's like i'm in a time warp & time is standing still... My misery has reared its ugly head tonight.

 

I ran accross this song and it fits me as well... I want the other one, I want to get back to me. I want to be the dorky chick in the corner w/my friends that people still think of as an enigma. I used to get called the enigmatic sexy girl. I'm not the best looking one around, but my personality used to shine through and people saw that. I miss that, but right now I miss being that for the ex. I wish i still had her to be around... ughhhh! I wish this chasm in my soul would tighten up enough for me to breathe... Ok, the song is by Kelly Clarkson...

 

Seems like just yesterday

You were a part of me

I used to stand so tall

I used to be so strong

Your arms around me tight

Everything, it felt so right

Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong

Now I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hanging on

 

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

 

I told you everything

Opened up and let you in

You made me feel alright

For once in my life

Now all that's left of me

Is what I pretend to be

So together, but so broken up inside

'Cause I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hangin' on

 

Swallow me then spit me out

For hating you, I blame myself

Seeing you it kills me now

No, I don't cry on the outside

Anymore...

 

thanks guys! Sorry that I can't stop writing!! Thank you for sticking it out this far! (at least i hope someone is...i hope i hope)

[ediefy]

Are you writing in a journal these days? if not, try it. It doesn't matter what you write at all--it's a good place to just pour it all out on paper. The more you write about it, over time, the more it just becomes words on paper. Writing about the breakup and how you feel (all of the conflicting feelings you're having right now) helps to purge your system, and is one of the pieces that will help you move ahead as you grieve.

 

It's clear that you like words, and like lyrics. Even just putting the lyrics in a journal can help.

 

Good luck! There are all kinds of people out here pulling for you.

 

(I just woke up from a dream where I saw my ex's car parked near some woods, and tried to find him in the woods. Didn't manage to.)

[NoMoreSunshine]

I am sort of writing in a journal... I have a place to put words and lyrics. I know i'm too long winded, sorry! I just have this well inside of me that is opening up and I cannot stop it. Sorry!!!

 

I am interested in dream stuff, I looked in my book about your dream...Search: To dream that you are searching for something, signifies the need to find something that is missing or needed in your life. You may be searching for a solution to a problem. (ok-a little to obvious...) But here is Woods: To see the woods in your dream, represents life, fertility, rejuvenation, and spring. Alternatively, it symbolizes the unknown and unconscious. You may be discovering your instinctual nature. To dream that you are lost in the woods, indicates that you are starting a new phase in your life. You are expressing some anxiety about leaving behind the familiar and what you know.... Thought you might find it interesting.

 

Thanks for pulling for me. again I'm sorry for having a big trap!!

[ediefy]

Hey, don't worry about being long-winded here. The space on this site is free and unlimited. And I know exactly how you feel--there's just so much to say, over and over and over, until it sorts itself out. And it's actually helpful for me to read about other people's struggles--makes mine seem normal and okay.

 

I had a "date" yesterday--nice enough guy, a fun day, but of course, I cried all the way home, missing my ex. God, this is hard. Haven't seen him for 45 days, haven't talked ot him for almost a month. Am maintaining NC, but I admit that I wonder how he can be only a few miles away and doesn't want to see me. We were great together (or so it seemed). Ah, well, I guess better things are to come.

 

Thanks for the dream info. Very interesting.

 

Have a good day--keep your chin up. I will, too.

[temperamental_taurus]

I'm here with you, girl... I dreamed of him last night, the first time I have since the break-up... It was a very negative dream, him being mean and cruel - funny how some dreams are so true to life

 

I also thought he was the one - the very FIRST night I meet him. He smiled at me over a pool table... and something hit me in the gut... a powerful feeling that told me that he's the man who I was supposed to be with forever. Kind of like an age old feeling of familiarity... and that I finally found who I had been searching for. Hard to explain but that's why I've hung in there. My intuition is pretty much always dead on and how can you fight against something so strong? I still remember that feeling.... I've dated hundreds of men and I've never felt that. I didn't even think he was attractive when I met him so it couldn't have been because I thought he was cute. But, I've made up my mind that no matter what that feeling was that I'm going to fight against fate and move on. I give up.

 

Amazing how once you dig WAY down into yourself and make up your mind to shut it off - it does shut off. This is my new life. I'm surrounded by awesome people, who care about me, who go out of their way to make me happy. I have a beautiful place to live, that is my own... a good job, a nice car and I'm pretty cool too So why was I stressing over HIM?!? LMAO

 

Make up the decision to just let completely go... you don't want her back - you DON'T. Say it to yourself until you believe it. In your own time, take down the artwork... My ex and I used to draw crazy little pictures together too - I left them all there when I moved out.

 

Hang in there... instead of missing her, feel sorry for her - after all she lost YOU - some people just never "get it" and that in itself is the best revenge.

[Freya]

I'm with you babe... I know that it seems like a really hard time right now, but I am sure you know by now you have a wonderful supportive family (ME) and great friends.. and it seems like this is a good place for you to come when you need an ear or shoulder... just wanted to let you know I love you bunches

[NoMoreSunshine]

Hi guys! It's always nice to get on here and know that someone else is there... You have no idea, well maybe you do, how awesome it is just to have this as a venting ground and have a few folks who know where you are...

 

Thank you little sister! I love you bunches and you have no idea how much you helped me survive the night tonight at work. Thank you for just listening and being there... That meant a lot, which is also why I was willing to share this with you. I too often think that I can take on the world all by myself when there are others out there who do care and love me no matter what.

 

Taurus, yes you are right, it is amazing how much dreams can imitate life. It's amazing also when they seem so real that you have to get up just to make sure you were dreaming... No more dreams of him being cruel!!!

 

I had those feelings about the ex too. And I am also a firm believer in intuition and odd feelings. I've had mine proven right too many times. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so mixed up about this whole thing!

 

I want to dig my way out of this abyss that I've climbed into. It is amazing the power of the mind and suggestion. I'm so proud of you and in awe that you have shut that off and re-realized all the wonderful things about yourself, Taurus. I will get there one day, i know it. It's just getting past this time warp where it feels like time is standing still.

 

Ediefy, I can understand to a degree about the date. Congrats on getting out there!! Did you have fun before the drive home and the cry?? Last week when I realized that I'd been hit on, *I* felt guilty. Why da heck should I feel guilty, she left me. Not only left me, but cheated and is in another's arms... Funny huh? She doesn't live but 5 mins from me and it astounds me too that even though we were good friends thru the bad, she doesn't want that either right now. Am I just not good enough?? But that's not something to dwell on or think of. A friend told me today to not so much focus on the negative, but remember what made me nuts and why this is a good thing. Remember that...

 

This new friend also said to me recently "listen, I know that you think what happened with your partner sucks--I know it feels awful--but feelings are deceiving. The only thing in a relationship that's worse than being left by someone you thought was the "right" person, is staying WITH someone who ends up to be the WRONG person! Your partner did you a favor, though it may not feel as such right at the moment. One day you'll be with someone who makes you happier than you have ever been, and you'll look back and be really glad that your current partner hit the road. Seriously." She's got a point...

 

This place helps to make me feel a little more sane too. I am really grateful that it's here!!!!!

 

Thank you again guys!! I had a little better of a night thanks to my sister.and y'all. I actually joked and laughed, it was nice! Here's to keeping my chin up and y'all doing the same!!

[Freya]

June 27, 2005

 

 

For my Sister-

 

 

 

 

 

So many times you don't give yourself

Quite as much credit as you deserve, and

More than enough to those who don't-

So many times, you fail to see what a

Heroine you are, and have always been, to

Me and the wondrous woman you have

Grown into-

Your love, your laughter, and your smile

Is contagious and a beautiful sensation that

I am privileged enough to take part in-

When I thought there was no more for me

To live for, and I thought I would

Simply die, you were there for me-

When we were children, and you raised your

Arms and shielded us with your body,

To take the heat off of us, to bear our crosses,

You saved us, though you were just a child

Yourself-

You always remembered me in one way or

Another, and I knew I was always in your

Thoughts, even if I didn't always, or was

Unable to, return the favor-

Your moments with us, with me, are tremendously

Precious, and I'll be damned if I cannot save this world

From being robbed of your existence-

But now, my sister… my champion, it is time that

I rise to the occasion,

And I am honored to be among those who

Rescue you-

To finally be able to do, even if just a

Smidgen of, all you have done for me-

I never want to know what this life is

Without you there by my side-

For if I ever do, the light that is you within my soul would be

Extinguished-

I would cease to live, and every heart wrenching

Day without you, all of humanity would die just a little

Inside-

 

 

-freya-

 

PS… plus, I would miss you so damn much

 

i love you

[ediefy]

Wow. You two really support each other. That's nice to see--and a big help in life.

 

I'm having a strange day. I woke up feeling kind of positive about the breakup, as if Tom had done me a favor, and that the best was yet to come. As the day has gone on, I've started to lose that. I work at home, and it can get kind of weird to be here all day with no one to talk to. I try to get out every day to do something, whether it's going out to lunch with a friend or horseback riding or just going for a walk. It helps to have company for at least part of each day.

 

Today I worked for several hours and then mowed the lawn. There's some gardening I could do, and probably will, but I get so quiet and thoughtful when I am doing yard work, and that's when things start to close in a bit. (I have made progress--at first, I would mow the lawn and cry the whole time. Now I can mow the lawn and just think too much and get sort of sad.)

 

I've got several guys sending me email, wanting to get together for dinner and/or coffee, which I will follow up on, but there is still a part of me that wants my ex back, that wants him to show up on my doorstep, begging me to take him back. Intellectually, I doubt that will ever happen (never has, for me), but emotionally, I still want to be rescued from this whole episode and get back to the life I loved so much.

 

I know I'm getting better and healing, but it sure is one step forward, two steps back sometimes. I really want this all to be over, so I don't care about it anymore, so I don't think about it all day, so I don't want to be with him at all, and just feel grateful for the time we had and what we both got from our relationship. Not there yet.

[Freya]

I am not really sure if I can offer the right kind of support for this group, but I have experienced a lot of similar things... Edie... you just need to know that your life with him does not JUSTIFY or even VERIFY who you are.. your life with him helped to make you who you are today, and has made everybody you know love you all the more for it (of course this goes for my sister as well ). And it's good to get sad, and gods darnit, it's good to cry about this stuff, it is all a part of healing. I don't know that one ever stops crying of feeling sad about these things, but I do know that one can have their cry, get it out of their system and feel stronger for it in the long run. Hell, i know my sister and i *still* cry about things that happened at least a decade ago.. then... 15years.. etc..It doesn't mean that you havent moved past it, or recovered, it just means you are still capable of feelings.. of compassion for one. if you just went on with your life and never cried ever again, I think you might turn into a bitter old person.. Old people rock, but bitter old people are just... well, nobody wants to be around them to say the least hehe.

 

err... i think I might have started talking nonsense, but I think the gist of it is in there somewhere

[perseverance_rules]

ediefy, I too an healing over my ex. We dated for two years, and she cheated on me two weeks ago today. I have started to get over that fact and move on but as everyone has said, I take one step forward and two steps back, then a few forward again...hoping to end up at a place where I have learned from it all. Our relationship had been a little rocky for a few months and I honestly dont know if her ONE weekend with the other guy is true or not. She is pregnant now and swears its mine, and the whole time thankful i broke it off. I have those doubts every day that this is my child to be, but she tries and tries to make sure I know its mine...what would she get out of lying over it? Im still not sure of that one. I told her she will feel really silly if everyone finds out its the other guys especially not knowing him too well at all. Supposedly they had been talking and were 'friends' for awhile at a local bar. FIGURES! I even gave her money so she could go there,...wow the anger I feel when I say that.

 

I am happy at times knowing we are better off apart now, but the hurt of her taking my trust and stepping on it, then jumping on it, then throwing it in my face is horrible.

 

Im a better person knowing that I gave her trust, treated her well, and financially supported her. I do not feel regret for those things, she will realize that later, too late for her, but she will realize it. Even if she doesnt feel remorse, she will understand I was there for her regardless.

 

I work with her still, and when she is on the phone not talking to anyone about business, it almost makes me sick because I can almost feel that its that guy. People like her will get theirs in time. I can sit back and move on knowing another lady will come my way and get wind of what she did and realize I mean business. Big thing in our relationship was that I told her i never tolerate things like that, and if infedelity ever happens I would find out, well, of all people her best friend of 20 years let the cat out of the bag, because even she realized how good of a man i was to her.

 

makes me realize how many great friends i have, and they all stand by me and my decision to drop her from my life even though I wanted her to stay, it was the decision I had to make.

 

I too am struggling to find myself again, and worrying all the time that I work at home and the thoughts are too close to me too often. I fight those feelings of calling her and cursing her, or calling jsut to talk knowing she was happy doing what she did, now she can suffer now...not me.

[NoMoreSunshine]

Hi guys!! Sorry, it's been a crazy few days... ughhhh! It's weird, life seems like it's at a stand still, but it's running by me like crazy.. know what I mean?

 

Freya, thank you!! Your words are so beautiful and precious to me. I cried so much over that (the good kind ha!) and showed it off. Everyone who read it thought it was amazing. The love behind it is even more powerful to me than the meds! I love you!

 

Ediefy, you are more strong than I am. I would love to work at home, but I know that if I had something like that right now, I'd go crazy... I want to be emotionally rescued too. That is a very concise way to put it. Not just by him (for u) or her (for me), but just rescued. Make this want and ache to go away... It's funny, the other day I missed a silly argument. I like to eat cold food and did the other night, while thinking, Leslie would have said "ewwww, why are you doing that? Cold food is gross!" Nothing bad, just funny and I missed it.

 

I think we all take steps forward and then back. It's natural and good, but it makes me nutso. haha! (i'm already kinda weird anyway) Although, I had a friend say to me tonight that he sees me coming back. It was cool to hear. Especially since I was naughty and broke NC the other day.. I took flowers that we planted, a note, and a frisbee i got for the dog & put them on her truck. I never did hear from her, but I did it. The note just said here's a litte bit of beauty and thought I would share it. Nothing big or emotional. Oh well, just a weak lapse in judgement. Plus a friend of hers told me that she know that Leslie's heart belongs to me, this is just a distraction. poo on that!

 

There's a girl that I want to flirt with here at work and I think might with me, but I'm still unsure... Who would do that with me?? Yikes, I'm getting me back, but I've never been good at that. I still have very mixed emotions about her, even though I know it was for the best. I think I do at least want to hang out with this girl if nothing else..

 

Anyway, i'll be quiet now. Thanks for joining in little sister! I hope everyone is well....

 

**big hugs**

[Freya]

Of course of course! That's what sisters are for right? Well, at least when they grow up and out of the fighting stage I love you too

 

Sis (this is also a blanket statement/paragraph for all of you)- if you want my honest opinion, which I am sure you don't but I am gonna tell you anyway ... I know that deep down you still want her to care about you... and that you want what her friend said to be true (i think you said it aptly when you said... POO ON THAT) but I'm not sure you should even begin to rely on that. I really feel like if her heart was yours from the beginning, no matter what she said in the past, she would have tried to fix herself (not that she was broken, but face it, you and i both know she had issues). When you care about somebody, the last thing you EVER want to do is hurt them, so you will do everything in your power to prevent it. I know you, and i know that you did all you could to keep from hurting her (granted it didn't always work out that way, but I pin some of that blame on her.. it was provoked). Also, if you start to rely on the words that "he said, she said" you will just fall back into the dark abyss you have fought so hard to get out of. You're not out of the woods yet, but I feel you are close. You've made me so proud.

 

Not just my sister, but all of you- just by reading the posts, it makes me realize yet again how strong the human spirit really is. It can be bruised a nd crushed and nearly annihalated, but never ever broken.

 

And please please please... suicide is NEVER the answer... just think about how you would feel if somebody close to you did that... when i read my sister's post the other day... my heart fell to the bottom of my stomach, and a lump grew huge in my throat and i realized... this is what other people that care about me must feel when I have had my own attempts.

And i definitely love my sister sooooo much i really don't ever want to lose her... suicide isn't anything I would wish on my worst enemy, because it's the worst feeling in the world.

 

err... this wasn't supposed to turn all dark like that lol... but I guess i had to get it out.

 

NMS, you have NO idea HOW MANY men or women would die for a chance to be flirted with by you.. i remember high school.. I was popular in a way, just because I was your sister... granted, I was the ugly duckling sister and you have always been the beautiful courageous brave swan, but I digress . But i definitely felt honored.

 

NOW... this girl at work.. i think you know what I am gonna say but I am gonna say it anyway! I think you should do it. I really do. Don't go into it with the expectation of being together forever (which sounds like you won't anyway), because like you said, even just being able to hang out with her would be awesome. She seems cool enough to me, just from hearing her when we were on the phone the other night.... and it's worth taking a chance babe just... chin up, go into it somewhat confidently, not too much though, you dont want to scare her off , maybe a little shyly, because i am sure it will be charming to her and just put a little of yourself out there at a time.

 

Approach it like... maybe like you would a stray cat... they might not come to you right away.. but after a while it becomes your friend

 

OMG we are soooooooooo definitely sisters.. cause this has been a bit long too

 

But.. i hope some if not all of you can find even the smallest thing in what i wrote helpful

 

I love you NMS!

[NoMoreSunshine]

Hiya guys!

 

When did you get so wise little sister?!?! You grew up behind my back... LOL Thank you for your words! You're pretty dang awesome!

 

I know that suicide is not the answer, but it felt like it at the moment. Duh, that's kinda how we felt at your attempts... I felt a little different, b/c I felt like I'd failed and let you down. I know that I haven't been the best at being there for you, but I do love you. I felt like maybe my love wasn't enough to keep you here and just a little grounded. Because of the things that happened when we were younger, you and our brother are like my babies. I know that I have not been the best at showing it, but I've always been here with open arms, ears, heart, and love. For me that felt like the only way to make this roaring aching abyss go away.

 

The human spirit is an amazing precious thing. Although I think mine is pretty broken right now. Funny, I'm not sure of how much more stretching and bending mine can actually do before it finally gives out...

 

Leslie has a way of not accepting responsibilty or being responsible for her own actions. Her way is to blame everyone and everything else. Parents, lovers, friends, society, (now her illness) whatever fits the best at the moment. That's no way to live. I know that her blaming me is just an excuse. I know that I was wrong in many ways, but not what she likes to make me out to be. But that's her way... maybe now that she's not smoking as much weed she'll get her head on a little better.

 

It's sick the way that I still feel in love with her at times. Like right now, I feel so much love and sadness for her it's ridiculous. Why should I love someone who is so awful to me. I found out the other night that she was cheating 3 months ago and she's telling fibs to lots of people. But the good thing is that anyone who knows me doesn't believe her. That is a good feeling to have people believe in me.

 

As to people dying to flirt with me... you are a funny girl!! That was high school heehee! I'm not a beautiful swan anymore, courageous-well, on some days...

 

The girl at work... well, I realized last week that right now single is the best thing going for me. She's a WAY cool chick, but just friend material. I'm not scoffing at that though... new friends are always welcomed!! I really think I'm destined to be alone. That's not such a bad thing in itself. Hey, interludes with folks and no committment... not always a bad thing. Besides it keeps me safe from hurting like this again. Single is good, my new mantra. This girl and I have way too much in common as far as being hurt and both don't want to be hurt like this again. It's always nice to know someone out there is just as human as you, and to be able to share other like-minded folks--hence the reason this site is so amazing and successful!

 

I'm just sad right now. I think it's more because I got a glimpse of how it could be...but that's not how it was meant to be. I just need to share my love with those around me who need it and myself.

 

I hope everyone else is doing well. I've been trying to get me back, with a bit of success-a friend told me the other day he's got his girl back mostly. I got caught up in it and tried to forget about the hurt. That's why this has knocked the wind out of me, I think. It's been a month now and I still miss her... But I cannot need her anymore. "Get busy living or get busy dying" (The Shawshank Redemption) very good thought in that for me right now.

 

Ok, I'll shut up now. Sorry!! Take care all.

 

I love you Freya!!

[NoMoreSunshine]

Wow, it's amazing how time can really fly when you're getting busy trying to live... I can't believe it's been a week since I've posted anything on here.

 

This week has been interesting. I've been hanging out with friends and just doing the do. I'm trying really hard to be healthy and positive. Somehow it's translating into reality. Not that it is a bad thing...

 

I was proud of myself the other night. Leslie wanted to come over and get the last of her stuff, but I had friends over and didn't want her intruding on my fun evening... so, I sent her a message back and told her politely that I'd rather she didn't come over that night & i'd call her another day. I got to put her off. Yea! This is stuff she was supposed to do 3 weeks ago. I decided the other night that it's gonna be at my convenience, not hers!

 

I was kicking myself later that evening wondering if maybe she wanted to come over and talk to me, maybe just hang out... I know, silly illogical thinking. Why would I want to hang out with someone one who is clearly not interested in time with me?? Love is a funny thing, huh? I'm glad I send that message and was strong enough to stick by it. I hung out with my friends and had a blast!

 

I still miss her, but I'm realizing that I do not miss the life that we were living in the last few months. If you cannot love me for me, then it's not worth my time and energy! Besides, I know that part of my connection with her was that I wanted to love her and show her that life is worthy of getting better and healing yourself thru the love of family and friends. I can't fix everyone though...

 

I got confirmation from a friend the other day about why I was so sad last week after talking to her. your ex is clearly a borderline personality. One thing to remember is that such a person doesn't get much better, or healthier, no matter how much counseling or medication is involved. In fact, there really isn't an adequate med for BPD. The best thing that can happen for them is for those that love them to hold them accountable. Unfortunately, when that happens, the BPD person just goes somewhere else because it can't possibly be their fault, so they think. You feel badly when you talk to her because she hurts you, manipulates you, and then makes you believe that you're the crazy person. You get to feeling good when you haven't talked to her because you're not the crazy person.It's sad to hear that, but at the same time it was good. I think I've finally got it through my head... Maybe that's why it was easy to say no to her the other night...

 

I'm going to do a house blessing/cleansing this weekend and finalize the negativity in my house. I'm so excited. I'm starting to peek out of this fog and it feels good! I'm not there all the way yet, but at least half way... I know that I'll have a bad day again, but at least I know that I can make it through to the other side. It will never change the fact that I love her, but I know that having her in my life is more harmful than good. Maybe one day we can be friends, but who knows?? We'll see what life has to offer later on.

 

Until then... I hope that all is well with everyone else. Lots of hugs and warm e-fuzzies to everyone.

 

Take care of you......

[Diesel69]

Hey...

The worst thing you can do is drink...... You need to go for brisk walks breath and think positive.

 

I know of a really good natural supplement you should take… Its called BIOGLAN Homoeopathic SAMe.

 

This stuff is gold. I am going through what you are rite now but I have been taking it for a week and now the emotion is out of the picture I can clearly see the relation ship for what it was.

 

The supplement tells your brain to produce more serotonin (happy chemicals) in your brain.

 

Also read other peoples stories and give advice. You will find that you will be taking your own advise and letting go!