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Can't pull myself up....Kinda long---SORRY!!

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Glad to hear that you are feeling good these days. I seem to have fallen back a few steps--to be expected, I guess. It's been exactly two months since he broke up with me, and the past couple of days have been harder than the weeks that preceded them. I told some mutual friends that I needed to not see them for a while because it just made me remember how much fun Tom and I had together--I hope they understand, it's just too hard. Things with Tom seemed fine up until that moment when he dropped the bomb, and I've heard NOTHING from him since.


I've been doing a lot of reading about "Men who can't love" and narcissistic personalities, and it helps to learn more about how relationships with these kinds of people tend to do--there is a clear pattern of behavior for both parties, and both of us played our roles pretty much to the letter. I just want this part to be over. I hate waking up each morning feeling that weight in my heart. It's less intense than it was, but it's still there. I am trying to cultivate patience and just surrender to the feelings when they are strong (I let myself cry). But it stinks, and I find that I wish I'd never met him. I'd rather feel grateful for our time together, but I'm not there yet.


It is helpful to hear how you're doing, so keep it up. Good for you for maintaining control over your space and your boundaries. Keep on doing it on your terms. Best to you--

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  • 2 months later...

WOW!! Time has flown by these last months... A few friends have made sure to keep me super busy. That's been great. I've had more than my share of moments though... I've finally shed the house of her for the most part. It's now my house and I love it again!!


At the beginning of last month I saw her out in public for the first time and it got really ugly... Great Gods it was bad... She was out sucking face with the girl she swore she wasn't sleeping with when she left... hmmm, guess that question got answered! I caught her looking out of one eye at me while she was kissing the girl, that was so hard! I acted like I didn't see it, but it was like a dull knife was cutting accross my heart and soul. I wasn't sure I'd recover from that night... I was once again on the verge of killing myself. I realized the next day when I was sober that if someone is going to make me feel that way more than once, they really are not worthy of my heart. Especially if all they want is to know that they are getting to you like that. That's just sick!!


I am so much better than that! I am worthy of someone better than that. Even if I'm not with anyone, I'm a great person on my own!! I'm not perfect by any means, but I am human after all... I have flaws, but I care about others and love like i haven't been hurt. That's worth something in this world!


I'm in a much better place now, not perfect, but better. I've been on a few dates and had a one night stand. I know, not a solution, but in some ways it helped, put someone between leslie and me. I'm in the middle of something else that I'm still not sure about. I'm just happy that I can say that it's been 4 months and I'm still here. I'm trying to make it... one day at a time is about the only way it still comes, but at least it's coming, right??


Ok, enough for tonight. I'll be better this time and not let so much time pass... I have my gay boyfriends that have been keeping me occupied with dress shopping and pagents, so it's been crazy lol!! Thank you all for the support that you provided me! Y'all helped me through such a dark time and with that I was able to get to where I am today...



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It's interesting how different a place i'm in than I was a few months ago... I still miss her like crazy. I will always love that woman that I shared so much with...


We were supposed to have a small ceremony this month (yes, aware it's not "legal"), but it was for us. It feels funny to know that it will never happen now. Leslie was someone i could see being old with. Aside from the crap we went through, we had some really amazing times. There's a song out "if you could only see the way she loves me".... that was us. We truly loved each other.


I know that my life is much less chaotic now that she's not in it anymore. I can actually relax these days lol! There was too much bad energy spent between us during the last while we were together. That doesn't mean I don't still love and miss her though. Crazy huh? I like my life and I like being me, for the most part lol. Everyone has been complimenting me recently on how much better I am now that Leslie is gone...


I saw her last week and she tried to strike up a conversation, that was weird. I'm kinda talking to someone else right now (long story...neat though). I was distracted cause the other girl was text messaging me while Leslie was talking. At the end of the night she tried to hug me and I couldn't let her. The talking I could almost handle, but not her touch. I think I would have caved in on myself. Funny how the little things effect you, isn't it? I'm pretty happy these days and just her touch could do me in...


Anyway, I'll shut up. I guess I'm hitting a small bump in the road. I'm actually kinda feeling something for someone else and it's scary. Plus leslie tried to talk to me again, which is confusing. Who knows! Feelings (love especially) are so illogical...

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It's interesting how things work, isn't it? Every step towards a new relationship is a step away from the old one, and sometimes that's hard. Other times, you're not even aware of moving one more mile down the "goodbye, forever" road until you've taken that step towards someone new and realize where you are now.


I definitely have had those moments of brief sadness and nostalgia as I get into my new relationship. I still miss the ex, even though he turned out to be kind of a pathetic jerk. And I, too, would not be able to let him touch me, as you pulled back from letting her hug you--for the same reason you mentioned. And, finally, I actually _want_ to let him go, as completely as I can. (And maybe, one day, I will be truly grateful for the time we had together. Not quite there yet. But I have not seen nor talked to the guy since he dumped me 5 months ago, and don't expect that I will, so at least what was a wound, and then a scab, is slowly turning into a scar. Sounds like you've had to be stronger in your situation.)


Best of luck to you. Sounds like you're in a good, balanced, strong place.


(A year ago, I was staying at a B&B in rural Quebec with the ex, celebrating my 50th birthday and riding horses. This year, I don't even think he remembered that it was my birthday. Wish it didn't still hurt a bit that that is the case.)

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It is interesting how these things work... It kinda makes my head hurt sometimes lol! It's hard to step to someone new right now, because I'm so very scared of being hurt again... I've hurt so much in my short little lifetime that I do not want it to happen again! Maybe that's what's making this harder than i feel like it should be...


Congrats on the new relationship honey!! Isn't it funny what we miss? The big buttheads that hurt us so much and we love so much... I have had to be strong in that i've had to endure running into her periodically and put up with her having to come by the house for something... But it's slowly finishing up healing. That's awesome that you are at the point that you want to let him go!! again Congrats!! I wish I was totally there. I want to, but I can't, not yet anyways. Maybe after the "non-wedding" day it will be easier. I can only hope! Besides this other girl will be here shortly after that... I'm so scared and excited that I'm just confused about the whole dang thing...


I guess until I let myself open again, i won't get rid of the fear... but then again, when i get my visitor, i may just do a 180 on this whole thing hahaha!!


It's good to hear you are in a pretty good place! Keep it up girl! About the bday thing--do partners ever do the best of jobs keeping up with dates while together let alone apart? lol! Sorry, had to try and throw a little humor in there... I know, I keep wondering whether leslie remembers it's our anniversary and my bday coming up soon... Amazing how the little things matter the most huh?


Ok, i've gotta get outta here, it's time for me to go home! yay!! Thanks for listening! lots of positive energy out to everyone!!

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