Not A Virgin, How Do I Tell Her?

[under_the_pressure]

I'm not a virgin, haven't been for a year now. My Mom made me my first gyno. appointment the other day and it's not until the 21st of July. She told me the doctor wouldn't do a pap smear if I wasn't sexually active, then she said I would have to discuss that with the doctor.

 

Well if I don't tell her before that, she is going to find out because she'll know I'm getting a pap smear done. So I want to tell her. I pretty much have to. I don't see it as a big deal, and I don't think she'll totally freak.

 

I'm scared she won't let my boyfriend stay with us anymore if I tell her though. I've told her I smoked pot before and she didn't even really care. Just asked what I thought about it.

 

So, what is a good way to tell her? Or should I tell her?

 

alicia

[whatdoyado]

If you think you should tell your mom then you probably should. The only reason to have pap smears done is if your sexually active. If she was cool with the drugs, and was understanding, it sounds like you and your mom have a good working, trusting relationship. I can't say you shouldn't tell your mom and I really can't tell you should. If you do tell include the part that you still would like your bf to stay, but you'll still have to respect your mom's final decision if you tell her.

 

I hope it goes well.

[yakmilk3]

alright if it was me and my mom id just tell her up front so that she could take it all in i meen shes going to find out any ways

[annie24]

Hi - Well, here's the thing....doctors are bound by confidentiality rules, so what you could do is tell the doctor when your mom is out of the room for the exam that you aren't a virgin. Tell your mom you'd rather she not be in the room for your exam. Your doctor can't tell your mom....

 

good luck!

[kskm]

I was in your situation when I was a year older then you. My Mother is a Homocide Detective, and the reason I mention that is because I was scared to death of defying her. So there was no way that I was going to tell her. What Annie said is completely true. When the doctor came into the room she asked if I wanted it done in private and I said yes- my Mom then left the room and she asked me a series of questions... sexually active, how many, protection, date of last period.... and so forth. Then she did the pap smear gave me birth control and sent me on my way. She told my Mom nothing except when my Mom asked why I was on my period I said that it was to regulate my period- which was the truth, but had another reason as well.

 

So I suggest that you DO tell the doctor. YOUR Mom sounds laid back and ready to deal with the truth so it's up to you whether you want to tell her or not.

[RayKay]

Your doctor cannot tell her if you had a Pap smear done or not. The doctor will ask if you want her present or not, and you can say you would rather do it privately. I think your mom would understand this.

 

I know you are scared to tell, but it sounds like your mom might be openminded about it, and if you do want to tell her, I would just sit her down one night while having coffee or dessert or something and bring the issue up. I don't think she will kick your boyfriend out, but that is something you might have to face as well, and discuss with her. She may already have a pretty good idea you ARE active, and might be part of reason she has booked the appointment too...

 

I really do think you MUST get one done though, because if you are sexually activeyou really need them to catch any problems early on....for example HPV is very very common, and one strain causes cervical cancer. Catching it early, before it is cancerous, almost eliminates risk...but if you don't get Pap's, it won't be found.

 

Of course, they also need to test for STI's, and make sure you are using birht control and the like.

 

Even if they do find a problem, they cannot tell her, though you will have to go in for treatments to remove bad cells for example, and in that case it might be best to tell her if you would like some support and someone to take you there.

[annie24]

Yes, like RayKay said, I can't imagine why she would book this appointment unless she thought you were sexually active. If a woman is a virgin and under 18, there is no need to go the the gynecologist.

[under_the_pressure]

I think she has an idea that I might not be one, but she never heard it straight out. The main reason she booked the appointment is because my period is real heavy. I'm going to tell her, just kinda freaking out about the whole thing.

[lady00]

Yes, like RayKay said, I can't imagine why she would book this appointment unless she thought you were sexually active. If a woman is a virgin and under 18, there is no need to go the the gynecologist.

 

yeah, Annie is right...you start going to the gynocologist when you're sexually active or when you turn 18...so I'd say your mom knows.

 

Oh, I just saw the part about your heavy periods...I don't know enough about that to say whether or not that is cause for concern but given what you've said, your mom probably suspects and so it won't shock her if you tell her and she will probably be glad that you came out and said it to her. It would probably put her at ease to know that you're not keeping it from her even if she already suspects it. She may still be worried about it but I doubt anything bad will come out of telling her.

[Hope75]

Young women who are not sexually active still should see the gynocologist. Once you start menstruating,or around your age of 15 or 16, it is a good time to go, so the gyno can make sure that everything is working properly.

 

The purpose of a pap smear is to test for precancerous cells in the cervix. Being sexually active has no bearing on it, and they will do one regardless of whether or not you are sexually active. An additional test they may perform is you are sexually active is an HPV DNA test, testing for HPV, or Genital Human Papillomavirus , which causes genital warts, and is a common STD, ( some strains of which can cause cervical cancer) and is often undetectable with out this test.

 

And as others have said, the doctor needs to keep the info you disclose to her confidential, unless shefinds that you are doing risky behaviour that could be dangerous to you and then she is obligated to talk with your parents about it, and I believe it is in her rights to do so as you are a minor, in the custody of your parents.

 

(we discussed this in my ethics class, I am in Nursing school).

[MsMe]

Here's an idea. If you're really that uncomfortable with going to the gyno, cancel the appointment. Your mom can't make you go if you don't want to. The choice is yours- not hers.

[lady00]

While it's true that there is the doctor-patient privilege, keep in mind that your mom could find out what you had done just by getting the bill. The doctor's office and/or insurance company will send a bill (or in the case of insurance, a statement about how much they are paying for) and if it's like my gyno, it will say what you had done and how much each thing (+ lab processing etc) cost. At my gyno, and I'm assuming at others, its routine to check for certain STDs when you say you are sexually active and the cost of the tests as well as the results (in a separate letter) come in the mail.

[kskm]

NOT going to the doctor when you are in fact sexually active is probably the last thing that you want to do.

 

You have to think about the risk of STD'S, cancer and so forth.

 

Also sex is (supposed to be) a decision that mature adult people make, so I think that the best thing is to be a mature adult about it and tell your Mom- she sounds open minded enough- plus she'll respect you a lot more for telling her the truth.

[MsMe]

I should have been more clear. She should go to the doctor but when SHE decides to go. She is not obligated to go because her mom made the appointment. At the same time, she should find her own doctor-one she is comfortable with so these issues with her mom are not a factor.

[under_the_pressure]

I'm going to my appointment. And I'm going to tell my Mom. They sent a form in the mail today and I'm sure it'll say something about me being sexually active, and I'm just going to tell her. I may not like the consequences but I still feel like I have to tell her. I don't keep ANYTHING from my Mom.

[lady00]

wow...u sound like a great daughter! Sounds like you and your mom have an honest, open relationship, which is very cool

[Hope75]

Good for you. You will feel much better not keeping it from her, and if anything goes wrong you will have her support.