Confused.

[readmetheletter]

I guess it's nothing different. I'm a cookie-cutter story. I don't know what I hope to accomplish by posting this, but I'm not getting anywhere by sitting here, doing nothing. Behold: confusion.

 

I've always dated guys, and there's always been something that was a little bit off. No matter how good-looking a guy was, I couldn't be attracted to him. My friends said I was picky, indecisive, and mellow. Every time I randomly kissed a guy at a party or went on casual dates (which I'll admit was a lot for a while), they would think I was insane for not wanting relationships with the guys. To make matters worse, the guys I was finding were all really nice, and most of them wanted to have relationships. I was careless, and I concluded that I must not be finding "the right guys."

 

Then I found him. And he was amazing, and funny, and sensitive, and nice, and very good-looking. And I started dating him. And -- nothing.

And now I'm in deep. I'm trying to figure things out for myself, but I'm getting nowhere. He tells me he loves me all the time, and I can't say it back. He's fragile and nice and I don't want to hurt him, and I know that breaking up with him would hurt him more than it would help me...but I don't like him "like that."

 

I just recently stopped my denial about the moment I stopped thinking I was looking at the wrong guys, and and started thinking I was looking at the wrong sex. A few months ago (before I had a boyfriend), I was at a party, and there was this one girl I didn't know very well. I had been watching her smile all night- but of course I was too shy to talk to her, and I knew she was straight (and told myself that I was too.) Toward the end of the night, we were sitting next to each other and she turned and looked at me, still with the smile. I looked away a couple times because the eye contact was really intense, but she didn't. She leaned in and kissed me, and although it only lasted about 20 seconds, and I never saw her again, it felt different than any other kiss I've ever had.

 

I tend to think too much about things, but looking back on it, it just made sense, and I couldn't comprehend why in my head. I'm at least bi, but I can't tell anyone. I don't exactly have a very accepting community around me. My parents would kill me because they're conservative, and they oppose gay rights. They're extremely prejudiced and have even made joking comments in the past about how I "had better not be gay."

 

Sorry this post is so long. But my confusion and frustration spans further than any number of words I could write. I'm lost, and I'm sad, and I don't know what I can do. And it frightens me that there are other people just like me, in this situation.

[pizzachick13]

it sounds like you are at least bi, like you've said. don't feel bad about the way you feel. it's entirely natural and it's not like you have to come out right now. you can wait as long as you want, just i wouldn't recommend staying in the closet forever.

 

it's good that you have stopped the denial. when you deny who you truly are, that's when problems start happening. now, with the guy you have, he sound slike a real gem so if i were you then i'd let him down very softly.

 

just tell him you thought your time together was awesome and you wish you could have it over again but you don't think you're ready for the kind of relationship he wants.

 

that way, you're not lying to him, you're just not telling him the type of relationship you want is a girl-on-girl relationship. it's easier that way and if he takes it badly then reassure him it isn't his fault and that you do love him, just not the way he loves you.

 

good luck

 

keep us potsed

 

Sappho

[AdeliaXO]

I understand not telling anyone, but if at all possible finding someone who is bi/lesbian/gay would be a good idea. Not for a relationship exactly, just someone you can talk to and relate with and openly discuss any concerns or fears you may have. Be it online or in person, which ever is safe and comfortable for you.

 

As said above it is good that you no longer deny this about you. The first step before even thinking about telling others is accepting it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, it doesn't sound like you see this as a bad thing, just confused. It really is ok.

 

I'm sorry that your parents are that way, believe me I know that situation. I did come out to my parents and I deal with that almost daily. Truth being I don't care, and that is why accepting who you are before telling anyone is so very important.

 

Always remember you're not alone. While it may seem like you are and you have to hold all this inside, you're not. Keep your head and up think of this as a positive not a negative. You're simply learning something new about yourself and that is always a good thing.

 

For the boyfriend, I think sapphos_goddess advice was good. I don't know what else to add to it.

 

best wishes!

[Cadence308]

Hey, it is good that you are no longer denying this about yourself. Sexuality is about self exploration and you are still a teenager so you have plenty of time.

 

Now that you know that you have a thing for women, you should probably break things off with this guy because from the sounds of your post, you will never feel for him what he feels for you and you do care about it, so don't drag things on. If you are too scared to tell him that you think you may be a les then you can just tell him that you enjoy his company and want to remain friends, but that you are doing some self exploration right now and you need to do that single.

 

It also sounds like it is not the right time to tell your parents. It sounds like they are homophobes. Maybe you should let the right time be after you move out of their house and are financially independent. You will know when the right time is to tell them. I am still not out to my family. i say it's because I don't have a gf, but it's really that the time hasn't been right.

 

Someone suggested finding a gay or les person to talk to. I think that is an excellent idea just so you can bounce ideas and experiences off of another person who can know what you are going through. Does your community have a gay or les support group?

[readmetheletter]

Many thanks to all of you for the replies and the support.

 

Ballys, my community doesn't have a support group. My school did, but I graduated last week.

As for meeting someone, I have no idea how to do that; I can't even tell my friends, absolutely no one knows. I guess that's why I turned to this website. These replies are all I have that makes me feel understood. I feel outcast in my community and nobody even knows.

 

I'm used to other people taking initiative to get to know me, because I'm so shy (I know, it's sad.) I'm eventually going to need to step up and be brave about this, because I don't think that many people would ever guess that I'm gay.

 

I still haven't broken up with my boyfriend, I avoided him for 3 days to see if I could make him less dependent or more used to not seeing me all the time...but people have been saying he's really depressed.

 

I keep telling myself that I'm not alone, but I really can't help feeling this way.

[kaboom]

Its never a good idea to come out when you are not ready, but there's also never necessary to come out to EVERYONE.

Also, I think before coming out u should sort out whether you are actually bi or lesbian. If you come out as bi and then turn out to be les or vice versa, people won't really take it seriously and tell you you are "confused". god how that one PISSES me the F**K off.

Being bi, the way it is for me is that I would have a fling, and i am sexually attracted to both sexes. However for a long term relationship i would probably choose a woman. I however don't rule out the possibility of having a stable relationship with a man.

See how you view men, and women, find out in what ways you are attracted to them and then come to a conclusion about your sexuality.

Your parents don't need to know, and possibly dont want to know. Heck i've been outta the closet for 4 years now and my parents still don't know.

don't stress about it.

cheers!